She Said: Love in the Time of Everquest

Hi there! :) :p lolol! Cool site! Did you know that guy in the bannerÂ's name is Stan!?!?! LOL, thatÂ's so funny, cuz its soooo boring, like, a DADÂ's name or somethingÂ"… Cool!!!

Just kidding. And, ow. I think I strained something.

Hello. This is Hoochie speaking. Certis left the keys to the website lying around while in the shower, and I figured that Elysia could use some help injecting some estrogen into this place. Look, you can see the boobies sprouting as we speak, turning your grey, overworked male superstructure vaguely hermaphroditic. DonÂ't get too used to my sweetly scented presence – unlike some people I have a job that requires me to bathe, dress, and actually leave the apartment – but on occasion you may see more vaguely editorial "She Said"s popping up.

And on to the show. Love in the Time of Everquest

If it were not for Everquest, I donÂ't think that I would be marrying Certis. ItÂ's true. Our geek love™ is a product of Sony, or more accurately, Verant Interactive.

It all began in the September of 1999, when Gaald, Certis, his older brother, my old roommate and myself moved into a house together in the downtown of Winnipeg, Manitoba. Linked by our common goals of cheap rent and enough people to seriously cast doubt on the issues of Who Drank the Last of the Milk and WhoÂ's Turn is it to Wash the Dishes, we soon settled together peaceably enough. Until Certis got into the Beta test of Everquest.

Like airborne Ebola, one by one the game struck us down. The day was split into shifts, during which one of the gradually more pale and flabby inhabitants of 364 Balmoral St. steered their badly rendered avatars around the walls of Qeynos and killed rats. Â"No way is it your turn yet! IÂ've only had four hours!Â"

Then Gaald got into the next Beta round, and things changed. With two computers running EQ, we could play together in pairs. Locked in a small, dingy computer room, our backs scant inches from one another, united in epic quests such as Deliver this Letter and Bring Me Some Rat Teeth, how could romance but blossom?

Thankfully, Gaald and CertisÂ' brother realized that it was just game-induced infatuation, and things got back to normal quickly. For Certis and I, however, it was just a stepping stone to long, late-night conversations. And we all know what that means. (cue porn beat)

If not for Everquest, I would never had a reason to spend so much time in such close proximity to Certis. I would never had a reason to try out other games. I would never have been the kind of person who could understand why it is that Certis owns three consoles, or spends night after night in front of his computer, chortling over the headset to people I have to take his word for actually exist. But I do. I do understand. And he has Everquest to thank that I donÂ't start flinging his PS2 games out the window one by one til he looks at me, and I donÂ't mean that sideways crane-the-neck-so-you-can-still-see-if-your-villagers-are-at-the-gold-mine-yet look, I mean look at me! Take your hands of the keyboards when you talk to me, dammit! I repress those urges because I empathize. Also because I can just fire up Jedi Knight or Buffy and soon forget heÂ's even there. And playing co-op games is about the best fun there is for us. (insert provisos regarding Â"sheetsÂ" and Â"being verticalÂ") If only Dungeon siege had half as much depth as it promised. But I digress.

My point is, once Everquest became a part of my daily routine, the damage was done. Previously a light user of SNES and possibly the occasional game of PC Solitaire, Everquest was a dive straight into the underbelly of gamerhood. I was playing Half-Life, Drakan, Heroes of Might and Magic, Dungeon Keeper, and The Sims before the year was out. Everquest made me a gamer. Certis is about to marry a girl gamer.

eqwedding.gif

And you say that it never did nothing for nobody.

- Hoochie

Comments

Gaald, you two-timing son of a...I thought what we had was special. No SOW for you!

What tha'...?

Look, you can see the boobies sprouting as we speak,

Ooh, I love boobies. Let me at em!

.....

Ah! not there! NOOOO!

Seriously though, nice post, the more ramblings by the staff (i.e. editorials) the better. This site must be doing something to me, I can't believe I said that.

I know I hate EQ, but really its a damn good game. I really loved it in Beta4 and the first couple of months. I guess thats why I hate it so much now, I used to love it, but it became rather abusive as time went on. "Maybe if I don't die this time it'll be okay, she won't yell at me. Please don't lock me in the closet again!" But I digress, I think that horse has been beat to death anyway.

"Gaald, you two-timing son of a...I thought what we had was special. No SOW for you!"

Doh!

What was great about having two computers to play EQ was that I had the slower of the two computers and no one ever wanted to play on mine!  Well I should amend that to say I was the only one who wanted to use my computer  until the withdrawl pains from the other two waiting to play became so bad that they couldn't wait their turn on Certis' computer.

"For Certis and I, however, it was just a stepping stone to long, late-night conversations. And we all know what that means. (cue porn beat)"

Worst part about it was that my life revolved so much around playing EQ during the Beta that I had no idea these two had hooked up for MONTHS! To make that even worse, Hoochies room was right above the computer room and although I would spend the weee hours of the night playing the dam game I still  had no clue! Had it not been for the theatre program at UofW (in Winnipeg) I would have been sucked into EQ so badly I might have still been playing today!

Those were dark, dark times.

Why is it whenever I play an online game all I ever meet is pimply-faced, testosterone challenged, miscreant loser dweebs that just want to PK me and insult me to no end whereas other gamers are able to discover the girl of their dreams.  Life just isn't fair I tell you!  I guess I should be happy that someone was actually able to find a decent mate considering the lottery winning odds against it.

By the way, it's a nice to have a female gamer perspective.  Don't hold out on us hoochie.  Maybe you could get a regular column once a week.

I can't believe you actually post under the name "Hoochie," and refer to yourself as that in the 3rd person. Don't you find that demeaning? I'm offended for you.

I can't believe you actually post under the name "Hoochie," and refer to yourself as that in the 3rd person. Don't you find that demeaning? I'm offended for you.

What, I can't be all post-modern and ironic in using a derogatory misogynistic term as my online feminist persona?  Ok, granted, this particular editorial was not very feminist, so any attendant irony was pretty vague and ephemeral.  

I appreciate you trying to awaken me to my oppressed state, but my claiming "hoochie" as an online handle isn't the internalization of that oppression, but a statement of my resistance to it.  My apologies for not making that more clear.  

And I think you'll find that your crusade to enlighten my downtrodden sisters might go better if you lay aside all that aggression, and let people take responsibility for themselves.  I can be offended for myself, thanks, and I prefer to decide when that is on my own.  

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go shopping for a push-up bra.

Hey, whatever, Hoochie it is, then.

Just another example that women have no idea what they really want

Hoochie, did Elysium let you borrow his Thesaurus for the weekend?  Ephemeral had me going, but now that I now what it means I'm a better man for it. 

Youre doing better than me, I had to look up ephemeral and that long m word.

I had to look up ephemeral and that long m word.

Which one would that be..."me" or "misogymnastic"?

Just another example of how some guys like to sound all superior and informed about women ...

Nice column! Missed your occaisional writings over at EA- lets hear more from you.

... and those are the exact same reasons why I chose my handle. 'Ceptin' Certis made me change mine.