The Daily Elysium: Buy Stuff!

WeÂ've got a huge week planned for you at Gamers With Jobs. Certis is working on some impressions of Dead or Alive Xtreme Volleyball, and IÂ'm pretty certain heÂ's got a new site design in the works so GWJ may look different/better soon. That alone would be enough to register as a decent week, but weÂ've also got a thick two part interview with MIT professor and gaming advocate Dr. Henry Jenkins, and on top of all that IÂ'll be dusting off my own personal Soapbox. But, before we dig in letÂ's talk about Super Bowl Sunday for a moment.

I knew Tampa Bay had an outstanding defensive team, but I had no idea they could embarrass another Super Bowl caliber team like that. Perhaps just before the game Simeon Rice secretly replaced the Raiders' Gatorade with a cocktail of Zoloft and Percocet, but if I was Jon Gruden, IÂ'd be pretty busy this morning calling everyone involved in trading me away asking if they needed extra water based lubricant or Calamine Lotion after that kind of physical violation?  Still, we all know football is tangential to the real reasons to watch the Super Bowl: advertising, and to make fun of halftime excrapaganzas.

IÂ'd like to thank ABC from the start for reminding me why I donÂ't watch ABC more often by endlessly advertising the dreck they plan to braodcast in coming days. Promotions for their Super Monday lineup were about as inspiring as Bon JoviÂ's vomitous ItÂ's My Life performance after the game. Dear ABC, I wouldnÂ't watch Veritas: The Quest if it starred a naked Gwen Stefani. Ok, maybe if it starred a naked Gwen Stefani, then yes, IÂ'd watch Veritas: The Quest, but only because of Gwen. Rrrrrawwwr! More on her later.

When ABC wasnÂ't bandying about a series of miserable television, we got a look at several big upcoming films. Actually, was it my imagination or was there an inordinate number of trailers: Bruce Almighty, Charlies Angels 2, Anger Management, The Recruit. Some were intriguing, some contrived, some mildly embarassing, but the new Matrix trailer for one made me tingle in all the right spots. Seeing a flood of Mr. Andersons come charging out the door was really enough to make me lean forward and think that the very fabric of my sanity might someday depend on my being able to watch that happen on a big screen to a steady thumping techno beat as the heady smell of popcorn tickles my olfactory nerve bundles. A lot of people say that The Matrix is, in reflection, an overrated film, and three years down the road watching the DVD for the eighth time, itÂ's easy to forget why it was such an experience the first time around. This trailer, is a good reminder.

Additionally, IÂ'm still holding out some pretty solid hope for The Hulk, though seeing the angry green giant twirling a tank around by its turret left me a bit skeptical. In the brief glimpses we have of the verdant mammoth, he looks a bit like CGI roadkill. IÂ'll have to hold out faith that Ang Lee and James Schamus (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon; The Ice Storm) can stay faithful to a comic book style without simply pandering down to silly.

The new Terminator film will probably soak up my $7.50 on a sunny summer matinee, but IÂ've got no better reason to search it out after seeing the same footage I saw two months ago put in a slightly different order. I caught the original Bad Boys on HBO several years ago. IÂ'm glad IÂ've still got HBO so that I can see the Bad Boys sequel someday when I feel like skipping work and getting drunk. Lastly, Daredevil may just break the opening day record for the big PresidentÂ's Day weekend, though a decent church bake sale probably could as much. Certainly fans of Alias will go see it, because for whatever reason people simply can not get enough of Jennifer Garner, who spent a lot of air time parading down hallways in outfits that would make Kylie Minogue blush.

Speaking of over rated singers, how about Shania Mistress of the Dark? That was a fantastic job of lip syncing to the rhythm of her bouncing cleavage during halftime. HereÂ's a question, why the hell did Shania Twain need four guitarists, and some hair-band reject with a guitar shaped keyboard? ItÂ's not like any of them were actually playing their instruments. They merely pranced around expensive stages while paid corporate lackeys spilled wine spritzer on themselves and mimicked extreme, cool, paradaigm breaking behavior. And did you see her goggled drummer? What, did he fly his Sopwith Camel to the stadium just before the show? I suppose I could have some sympathy for Mistress Midriff if I had the impression that show organizers somehow forced all the performers to lip sync, but No Doubt that wasnÂ't the case.

You know what I would have paid to see? Gwen Stefani storm down that stage and kick Shania TwainÂ's bony country ass! Gwen is my own personal goddess, and if they erected great stone edifices to her in Romanesque temples, you bet your ass IÂ'd be there everyday prostrating myself to her. I donÂ't know what she sees in this clown, but IÂ'm certain that as he watched the halftime show he turned to whomever he was with and reminded them that at night, he gets to sleep with Gwen Friggin Stefani!

You might be expecting me to say something about Sting, but IÂ've got nothing. The guy has weathered the storms, has an outstanding voice, doesnÂ't need to piss around with lip syncing, and is known for his tantric stamina. Any invective hurled at him would be obvious jealousy, and IÂ'm still busy being jealous at this worm.

Celine Dion is an accomplished singer - as well as an obvious caricature of herself - but did it strike anyone else as odd that she was singing God Bless America? Not only is she Canadian, but sheÂ's French Canadian. English isnÂ't even her native language. Now, IÂ'm not one of those backwards American rednecks that thinks we should erect a giant tungsten wall around the nation, reinstate slavery, and sip mint julips on the veranda, but I wonder how Canadians would feel if we sent Barry Manilow to hockey games or curling matches singing traditional Canadian songs like Â"˜O CanadaÂ' and Â"˜Give Me That Maple Leaf Before I Stab You In The NeckÂ'.

It all serves, I suppose, as a good reminder that there is nothing genuine about the Super Bowl. It is a slippery orgy of corporations all thrusting their wet advertising phalli through our ears and eyes, and ejaculating gnawing slogans onto our collective cultural brain. IÂ'm surprised thereÂ's not more corporate sponsorship, like the Mlife Third Quarter, the forty-three yard line, or the Budweiser National Anthem.

And yet, I still had a favorite commercial from it all. Terry Tate, Office Linebacker even through my dim haze of cynical hypocrisy still managed to make me laugh. Maybe it was just seeing a massive, angry man thrusting hapless office workers to the ground; maybe my brain had deflated under the weight of Bud Light ads and John MaddenÂ's mildly confused color commentary, but Terry Tate quickly became a personal hero of mine.

When it was all said and done, the Super Bowl left me spent and dirty, but oddly sated. Brad Johnson gave an admirable F You to everyone who didnÂ't select him for the Pro Bowl, and the vaunted Bucs defense didnÂ't merely stuff run-stops and execute zone blitzes with aplomb, but humiliated their opponents with a devastating four man rush and a series of nearly telepathic interceptions. All told, it was an amusing opportunity to watch a decent game, and make fun of self-important people.

By the way, Jimmy Kimmel. IÂ'd save some money if I were you. My watch says youÂ've got about thirty-two seconds of your fifteen minutes left.


Terry Tate, Office Linebacker - greatest co-worker EVAR.


"If it is game time, ITS PAIN TIME"


That was the best comercial.

Another reason I dont watch the SuperBowl? So I don't become as jaded and cynical as it seems to have made Elysium. I have MTV for that.

I agree about Jimmy Kimmel, The Man Show is hilarious, and really funny, and only has maybe 5 goddamn episodes. The rest are specials, reliving the highlights of the other episodes.

I wish Terry Tate worked in my office, as well as wishing that Gwen Stefani lived in my house. Oh yeah, that Willie Nelson spot was pretty damn funny too.

Mmmm....Matrix trailer...

wow! much disrespect handed around.

shania twain was much better than she was when i flipped past her performing at the american music awards.  she is quite a good looking woman but um well the goof balls in her band were very corporate shlock.

dude! gwen and sting busting out with "message in a bottle".  that rocked!  i cant belive sting busted out with a classic police song!  i was way into that!  (expect a single to be released shortly along with the fair god bless america rendition from celine)  BTW i cant get enough of that santana/michelle branch song "game of love".

i wasn't impressed with jimmy's first show but it was a first show!  he had cool guests!  elysium, jimmy kimmel is a very funny man!  beyond the man show, he had really funny bits on the LA station KROQ morning show.  he guested on howard stern and it had to be the funniest stern ive ever heard.  the two of them and adam carolla finished each others jokes for hours.  i still giggle about a billy ray cyrus joke, jokes about jews going to mexico and jokes about muslim hijackers claiming to be germans.

>>dude! gwen and sting busting out with "message in a bottle".  that rocked!<<

I completely agree!  I briefly considered giving Sting a hard time, but I know it would have been completely futile.  They stood there and belted out a classic, and they looked damn good doing it.  Shania, though?  Well, it's a good thing she's got the midriff. 

- Elysium

Even if I weren't a rabid Raider fan, I'd still say that was the worst Super Bowl I've ever seen.  Can't ABC ever cover a football game and not have it be a one-sided, boring as hell blowout?  The the non-movie trailer commercials weren't much to sneeze at, outside of the Ozzie one and the Officer Linebacker.  The saving grace of the night was <i>Alias</i>, which made good on their promise of "a new beginning" and the like; the episode was more like a season-ending episode.  Jimmy Kimmel and his rotating guest hosts will be gone in at least a couple of weeks.

well jerry rice, rich gannon, charlie garner and tim brown aside, im glad the raiders got stomped.  i cant stand al davis and i cant stand the majority of the "raider nation".  a large percentage of raider fans are sore losers and poor winners.  hell they even riot or attempt to no matter what the outcome of the game.  whats next? riot because the NFL season is over?  its okay to lose some civility.  when that lost civility turns to violence, i hope you fry.

i do like youre idea of gwen coming out of the crowd to kick shania's ass in say mud wrestling?  i was quite pleasantly surprised to see her strut on stage to sing the second verse of "message in a bottle".  that song is simple but pretty deep.  its time for a police reunion tour: roxanne, message in a bottle, i cant stand losing, every little thing she does is magic, synchronicity, king of pain, canary in a coal mine, spirits in the material world, invisible sun, wrapped around your finger, dont stand so close to me, every breath you take.  the list can go on and on.

"woke up this mornin.  dont believe what i saw.  hundred million bottles washed upon the shore.  seems im not alone in be'n alone.  hundred million castaways looking for a cause.  i'll send an S.O.S. to the world."

Yech.  That ejaculation metaphor was a little too complete.

Yech.  That ejaculation metaphor was a little too complete.

I can't believe nobody mentioned the upside-down beer-drinking clown! That was probably my favorite of the non-movie commercials (probably my overall favorite as well). Too damn funny.

Gwen is a decent singer but someone please tell her to stop making her own clothes.

if you had money, fame, youth, and good looks would you listen to anyones advice on taste or tact?  no i didnt think so.  hell all you really need is money and fame to have poor taste.

that is why we have christina aguilera, michael jackson, mcauley kaulkin, jlo, etc.  nobody will tell them no and if someone did nobody would listen.