Daily Elysium: Defining Empturdulous

Obviously we're a little slow posting this morning.  You see, Certis and I are quite tired from camping the local EB and fulfilling our desperate need for the new DOA Volleyball's exploration on polygonal anatomy.  At least that's the best excuse (read: lie) I can work up for you right now.  As we progress ever forward in providing a steady stream of fictional content for you, we'll devise even better and more deeply involved lies.  After all, what good is a website if not for indiscriminate lying?

Today is a good day to read more (lies!) for a look at what's on my mind, and therefore should be on your mind, particularly if you enjoy venomous and poorly thought out commentary.  Ever since I watched the Golden Globes the other night, I just feel so dirty.  I think it's time for some cathartic cynicism. 

I have a confession to make.  I watched most of the Golden Globes on Sunday night, and I really must admit that I feel like less of a human being for having done so.  If you take a word like vapid, and then quantified the measure of value indicated by the word vapid (let's hypothesize that vapid refers to a 1.6-2.9 FVR - fictional value rating) you'd begin to realize that not even vapid begins to approach the theorhetical limit of valueless-vapidity expressed by the Golden Globes.  This suggests that perhaps there is something other than a rational number understanding of value quantification, that simply saying the Golden Globes has negative value falls far short.  Perhaps there is some kind of anti-value, a quality that works in opposition to and nullifies all intrinsic worth, and we have no English word to abstract that idea.  As such, I propose instituting the term 'Empturdulous' to describe precisely how 'super-vapid' such a phemomenon might be.

So, without further ado.  The Golden Globes were empturdulous!

It's not so much that I take serious issue with people who like to stand up and spit a steady stream of meaningless names to a bleary eyed public.  It's the idea that this is worthy of national broadcast and serious consideration that bothers me.  I don't even largely disagree with many of the choices, but that Richard Gere is given airtime to kiss a producer's ass in the hopes of reviving an increasingly dead career simply makes me question the worth of humankind as a species. 

It was an emotional roller coaster for me. I nearly cried when some nimrod pulled out a speech thicker than most novel manuscripts and began to slowly vomit forth a diatribe of feigned gratitude on people who probably had the good sense to neither attend nor even watch.  But then I felt a great joy when show producers would pipe up the music halfway through the twenty-minute speech of the guy who won Best Catering; shooting down their moment of self-absorbed euphoria with a reminder that the real business at hand is to sell us Soft Drinks and SUVs.  

I don't know if you've ever listened to the Ignobel Awards.  They're broadcast on NPR's Science Friday with Ira Flatow every Thanksgiving here in the US, and they have instituted a policy which I would like to see further explored.  When a "winner" of an Ignobel takes the stage with his speech - perhaps forgetting that everyone had attended to mock their lack of social consciousness and common sense - they are given only a very few minutes to deliver their thoughts.  Then a horrible little girl, with a voice like broken glass and Corning insulation, interrupts said blow-hard by repeating the phrase "please stop, I'm bored." 

Note to Renee Zellweger.  Please stop!  We're bored.

Though I began with the suggestion that DOA volleyball might be a future purchase for me, it isn't really something I'm likely to explore.  I admit this is primarily due to the fact that my wife is already a bit confused by my persistence at playing video games, and I just can't imagine a situation by which I could adequately explain what compelled me to make that purchase.  I think she might draw her own conclusions, and those conclusions, I assure you, would not bode well for me.  I leave it to Certis then to brave ridicule and humiliation to provide for you some content and thoughts on that game.  I know it is a task he approaches with much hesitation and self-doubt.  I think he's taking one for the team, don't you?  Let's all give him a good cheer.

Yeah, Certis!

Ok, now back to work!

- Elysium


Hoochie is going to make me sleep on the couch, I just know it. The things I do for you people!

Elysium is a coward, thank you Certis.

Oh, and when is Empturdulous coming out again?

I don't think you can blame anyone but yourself in this one, Elyse. If people like yourself didn't tune in, the Golden Globs [sic] wouldn't garner the ratings they do. If they didn't have the ratings, they would be replaced by smarter, hipper shows like "I Married an MP3" and "Survivor: High School Cafeteria". Seriously, though, watching a TV show you don't like, even to make fun of it, is not a good practice.

Besides that time could have been much better spent. There are games out there that need to be played!

Funny story. Girlfriend and I decided to skip out on the Golden Globes and head out for some fine Japanese style Korean BBQ. So off we go, up Santa Monica, and discover to our horror that our route has been blocked. Why?

The Golden Globes. Filming. 10 minutes from my house.

See, you don't even have to watch the damned things to have 'em screw up your evening.

>>Seriously, though, watching a TV show you don't like, even to make fun of it, is not a good practice. <<

Oh, I agree.  It's just I wasn't aware I was going to hate it as much as I did. I'd avoided it for several years, usually because something better was on, and the wife wasn't interested in watching the Oakland game.  It was supposed to be a compromise, but it was oh so much worse.

- Elysium

See, the funny thing is I never really cared that much for the Golden Globes in the first place, so I dont consider it devoid of value now, to me it never had any. I would watch the Emmys, (well okay, read about them) and like most awards shows, I have realized that they are bunk. "Once More, with Feeling" didn't even get a nomination. That still pisses me off.

But, the Oscars, now that takes the cake. I somewhat recently cared about movies, and I never could stand the damn Oscar nominations. If its French, or set in France, it will be nominated.

Of course, Im over all that now, Im moving on with my life. Really, just don't care.

Buffy really deserved that Emmy!

BTW, how do you do smileys in the forum posts? I just did that one hardcoded with the IMG tag. There must be a better way!