Wannabe Writers Writing: Revisions, Feedback, Evil Chickens

New sci-fi flash fiction writing contest

http://spectramagazine.com/10387/spe...

MechaSlinky wrote:

Sh*t. Forgot to add a line I had meant to in order to, hopefully, clear things up a bit. It's there now.

I've followed both of the Goodjer Writing Threads that have popped up in the last couple years, so I'm pretty familiar with your comfort zone. This is well outside of it, and I think you did a great job.

I get the ending. Someone tell me I'm smart.

Spoiler:

He's living out some lucid fantasy in which he believes he is a lieutenant for a Mob family and the doctor is a snitch. He kills the snitch for the Boss. But, the snitch is not really a snitch, he's the doctor. And the lieutenant is not really in a crime family, he's a patient of the doctor. So he's a crazy who killed his doctor. And then Locke came back from the dead, but it wasn't really Locke it was the Man In Black. And Jin shoo-shin didn't really blow up on the boat because we all know that an exploding boat can't hurt you if you dive beneath the water a few feet and Walt may or may not have had special powers, but who cares because the actor that played him got too old too fast so they couldn't use him as a main character on the show anymore so they just let that huge sub-plot fall to the wayside, but it's okay because they knew what they were doing from the beginning and not just making sh*t up as they went along. "Right outta my hands!!! Waaaaaaaaaaalt!!" "They took my son!"

skeletonframes wrote:
Spoiler:

He's living out some lucid fantasy in which he believes he is a lieutenant for a Mob family and the doctor is a snitch. He kills the snitch for the Boss. But, the snitch is not really a snitch, he's the doctor. And the lieutenant is not really in a crime family, he's a patient of the doctor. So he's a crazy who killed his doctor. And then Locke came back from the dead, but it wasn't really Locke it was the Man In Black. And Jin shoo-shin didn't really blow up on the boat because we all know that an exploding boat can't hurt you if you dive beneath the water a few feet and Walt may or may not have had special powers, but who cares because the actor that played him got too old too fast so they couldn't use him as a main character on the show anymore so they just let that huge sub-plot fall to the wayside, but it's okay because they knew what they were doing from the beginning and not just making sh*t up as they went along. "Right outta my hands!!! Waaaaaaaaaaalt!!" "They took my son!"

Exactly.

Glad you liked it.

Chairman_Mao wrote:

New sci-fi flash fiction writing contest

http://spectramagazine.com/10387/spe...

Jesus, SIXTY WORDS? A sci fi story in 60 words. Okay. Thanks for the heads up, I guess it's not like it would take too long to throw together an entry.

Slinky, I liked your story but definitely had to double-check to confirm the ending that skeletonframes talked about. I guess this was because I brushed over the 'fake' name the victim came up with (must've been wrapped up in his psychotic reality, wanted to find out what happened next with the mob stuff). Consequentially the doctor's name, when it came up in the last paragraph, didn't instantly click for me as meaningfully as it could have.

I think that if he had a stranger name, or if the protagonist had spent maybe ONE more sentence considering what a silly name he had, cementing the name as an important element for the reader, then the connection would've been easier to make at the end there.

Skeletonframes, that would have been a lot more smart if you hadn't have spoiled Lost while you were at it.

ColdForged wrote:

I figured I'd give the latest challenge a shot. Color me nervous.

Warmth.

Pulling her left arm in -- her right arm had just proven worryingly useless, a fact that clanged brightly around her skull -- she pushed herself into a half sitting position breathing hard.

While I understand that the character is confused and dazed, her right arm being injured deserves more attention than it gets here. You introduce that fact in a past-tense aside, but it was obviously important enough to her that it "clanged brightly around her skull." We're inside her thoughts; if something is clanging around in her skull like that, it should clang around in the prose, too.

MechaSlinky wrote:

Alright, here it is.

Shallow Grave

I'm a little bit embarrassed by this one. I'm trying to slowly make my way out of my comfort zone, and this is something I've never really tried before. No idea if it works or not.

It's out of your comfort zone for sure, and you did a good job with it. The dialogue is much stronger than the descriptive bits holding it together. You might try writing out a version of it that consists only of dialogue, either as a spoken monologue or as an interior one.

Clemenstation wrote:

I think that if he had a stranger name, or if the protagonist had spent maybe ONE more sentence considering what a silly name he had, cementing the name as an important element for the reader, then the connection would've been easier to make at the end there.

I agree. What immediately comes to mind would be to have the protagonist repeat the doctor's name each time he looked at a new ID card or credit card. e.g.:

“All these years and you never once let me look at this photo. Huh. Kershner, Robert. You plannin’ on goin’ into witness protection or somethin’?” A credit card. Robert Kershner. Library card, Robert Kershner. A gym membership for Robert Kershner. “Man, cops really went all out. Name’s on all the plastic in here. Hmph. Fat lotta good it did.”
Jesus, SIXTY WORDS? A sci fi story in 60 words. Okay. Thanks for the heads up, I guess it's not like it would take too long to throw together an entry.

Really more like 47 after the 13 required words. That's more like a poem. I may give this one a shot though if I have time today at work.

Minase wrote:
Jesus, SIXTY WORDS? A sci fi story in 60 words. Okay. Thanks for the heads up, I guess it's not like it would take too long to throw together an entry.

Really more like 47 after the 13 required words. That's more like a poem. I may give this one a shot though if I have time today at work.

Nah, they specifically say that the required words aren't part of the word count. Not especially generous, still.

Nah, they specifically say that the required words aren't part of the word count. Not especially generous, still.

Yeah, I probably should avoid this one if my reading comprehension skills are that low this morning. 60 words is tough.

The competition's open until September 24th, so there shouldn't be too much of a sense of urgency.

I wrote something pretty schlocky. I hope you guys won't think any worse of me for giving this kind of thing a shot.

The Clearing.

Clemenstation wrote:

I wrote something pretty schlocky. I hope you guys won't think any worse of me for giving this kind of thing a shot.

The Clearing.

I'm not sure that I read the final version; it looked like you were still making changes when I clicked through.

However, I thought it was interesting. The progression of the clearing into the auto-dealership was sad and carried the inevitability of a good tragedy. If I can, however, offer two points of constructive criticism:

  • Ending the sections with an occupational question was a neat idea, but I don't think it worked as well when it came at the end of every section. If you used it only a few times, it would be much more impacting but would keep that repetition you were going for.
  • You didn't really need the last four sentences ("The clearing is dead," etc.) I don't know if you included that because of the prompt's requirement to have a witness to the clearing, but you'd made your point pretty effectively by then.

Overall, it was good work. Thanks, Clem.

ClockworkHouse wrote:
Clemenstation wrote:

I wrote something pretty schlocky. I hope you guys won't think any worse of me for giving this kind of thing a shot.

The Clearing.

I'm not sure that I read the final version; it looked like you were still making changes when I clicked through.

However, I thought it was interesting. The progression of the clearing into the auto-dealership was sad and carried the inevitability of a good tragedy. If I can, however, offer two points of constructive criticism:

  • Ending the sections with an occupational question was a neat idea, but I don't think it worked as well when it came at the end of every section. If you used it only a few times, it would be much more impacting but would keep that repetition you were going for.
  • You didn't really need the last four sentences ("The clearing is dead," etc.) I don't know if you included that because of the prompt's requirement to have a witness to the clearing, but you'd made your point pretty effectively by then.

Overall, it was good work. Thanks, Clem.

Gracias for the notes! I made some tweaks, and maybe (just MAYBE) gave it a hint of hope at the end.

I read Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers a year ago, and the big takeaway from that book is that one must DO something for 10 000 hours to become truly proficient at that task.

So I started wondering how that might apply to writing. Found this link.

Because of the internet, writing is everywhere: status updates on Facebook, texts, emails and forum posts. Do these activities count towards one's 10 000 hours of writing practice? Because if this is the case, we are going to have a huge number of pro writers soon enough. Or are productive hours only racked up while working on more 'thoughtful' writing activities, such as editing and putting together more deliberate works such as essays or stories?

I wrote something pretty schlocky. I hope you guys won't think any worse of me for giving this kind of thing a shot.

The Clearing.

I loved it. Best thing that I've read from you so far on this site.

Because of the internet, writing is everywhere: status updates on Facebook, texts, emails and forum posts. Do these activities count towards one's 10 000 hours of writing practice? Because if this is the case, we are going to have a huge number of pro writers soon enough. Or are productive hours only racked up while working on more 'thoughtful' writing activities, such as editing and putting together more deliberate works such as essays or stories?

Scarily enough, I've been having this exact same thought lately. I also wonder how much 'writing practice' is actually reading - every professional author I've read on the subject has said that its just as important to keep reading for new inspiration and ideas as writing them.

I've come to the conclusion that the magic 10,000 number is different for everyone - different people learn in different ways. One person might spend an hour reading, for example, and learn something interesting, but another person might spend an hour doing something and have it be more valuable than 10 hours of reading about it.

I haven't written much that wasn't a computer program or technical document since high school, so I figured I'd give it a shot.
It's called The Field, because I'm no good at thinking up titles.

muttonchop wrote:

I haven't written much that wasn't a computer program or technical document since high school, so I figured I'd give it a shot:
It's called The Field, because I'm no good at thinking up titles.

I liked it; it made me laugh. The fairytale was a good fit for the story as it allowed you to have a bit more scope in terms of time and distance; however, because of that, some of the more intimate details in the opening paragraph feel like a bit too much.

ClockworkHouse wrote:

I liked it; it made me laugh. The fairytale was a good fit for the story as it allowed you to have a bit more scope in terms of time and distance; however, because of that, some of the more intimate details in the opening paragraph feel like a bit too much.

Thanks. I had a lot of trouble with that first paragraph. I wanted something really picturesque and peaceful for contrast with the events of the second paragraph, but I probably went a bit overboard with the descriptions.

ClockworkHouse, sorry. I didn't really think anyone would care. I guess it was kind of rude.

You could read for 10,000 years and still be a terrible writer. How many people have learned to play piano by listening to Mozart, or to act by watching Marlon Brando? You have to be performing the art to learn it. You have to make the mistakes yourself to truly learn from them.

My 60-word entry. I might revise it some as they said that's allowed before Sept 24. Yeah, it's tough.

There's no way I could make a 60 word story. I couldn't even cut the new one down to 750 words. I tried, guys, I really did. But, got stuck at about 902 words. And that was after I cut over a hundred out.

Anyway, here is Field Of Dreams

I tried to make it less morose than my Superman story.

muttonchop wrote:

I haven't written much that wasn't a computer program or technical document since high school, so I figured I'd give it a shot.
It's called The Field, because I'm no good at thinking up titles.

Good stuff. I like how the field becomes a place of pilgrimage, which in turn tramples and kills the field. But how come the rock disappeared? If the

Spoiler:

bug that was causing the rock to levitate was fixed, shouldn't the rock be on the ground now? And if the world is a virtual construct, governed by code that someone outside the construct is fixing, how come the patch notes are left in material form (piece of paper) within that virtual construct?

Chairman_Mao wrote:

You could read for 10,000 years and still be a terrible writer. How many people have learned to play piano by listening to Mozart, or to act by watching Marlon Brando? You have to be performing the art to learn it. You have to make the mistakes yourself to truly learn from them.

My 60-word entry. I might revise it some as they said that's allowed before Sept 24. Yeah, it's tough.

Yeah, I think there's a distinct difference between being a consumer and a producer of words in terms of expertise. Although as Minase pointed out, the two are intertwined in many ways.

I liked the story -- I like heists! -- but I almost wonder whether the story would be better without names (husband/wife instead?).

The attack came fast. Mondale dove as a silver blur hummed past, and fired back. Then, a moan.

I had to read this a few times to figure out what actually happened. The moan bit threw me off I think.

skeletonframes wrote:

Anyway, here is Field Of Dreams

I tried to make it less morose than my Superman story.

I kind of think the story would be stronger without the 'It was all a dream!' end bit.

Animal perspective stories are pretty tough in general, but it's short enough that you can probably let the reader deal with the consequences of the bear fight without throwing them a bone (kekekekeke) at the end. It's especially confusing because the story's perspective changes from dog to person here, too.

New challenge: Tell 'Em What To Do!

Write a story entirely in second-person perspective ("You walk down the hallway..."). Your story should be between 250 and 750 words, and take the form of a series of instructions to the reader. Deadline: Friday, August 27.

This guy does second-person quite well, good inspiration here: GIRLS ARE PRETTY.

Clemenstation wrote:
muttonchop wrote:

I haven't written much that wasn't a computer program or technical document since high school, so I figured I'd give it a shot.
It's called The Field, because I'm no good at thinking up titles.

Good stuff. I like how the field becomes a place of pilgrimage, which in turn tramples and kills the field. But how come the rock disappeared? If the

Spoiler:

bug that was causing the rock to levitate was fixed, shouldn't the rock be on the ground now? And if the world is a virtual construct, governed by code that someone outside the construct is fixing, how come the patch notes are left in material form (piece of paper) within that virtual construct?

Spoiler:

I took the rock away because I didn't want to draw attention away from the piece of paper, and I figured that if the rock was just sitting out in plain sight the fisherman's first reaction would probably be to examine the rock. Maybe the code fix reset it back to some other location, maybe it dropped to the ground and rolled out of sight. Kind of a lazy move maybe, but it seemed like the easiest solution.

As for the piece of paper, I really don't have a good explanation. I just thought it would be more interesting if the patch notes were found by someone inside the world instead of switching to some external perspective for the final reveal. I liked the idea that the fisherman found evidence that his world was being modified by outside forces, but probably lacked the knowledge to understand what the note actually meant.

I haven't written much that wasn't a computer program or technical document since high school, so I figured I'd give it a shot.
It's called The Field, because I'm no good at thinking up titles.

Good stuff! Keep it coming!

Chairman_Mao wrote:

New sci-fi flash fiction writing contest

http://spectramagazine.com/10387/spe...

I could use a Kindle. Here's my entry. Not too bad I hope... whipped it up while at work.

Here's my entry. My original idea was an aerial platform that always moved fast enough to be in perpetual sunset, but it's really tough to be atmospheric in 60 characters. I will probably revise it later to fix the clumsy transition in the middle.

EDIT: Your entry was awesome, ColdForged.

Clemenstation wrote:
Chairman_Mao wrote:

You could read for 10,000 years and still be a terrible writer. How many people have learned to play piano by listening to Mozart, or to act by watching Marlon Brando? You have to be performing the art to learn it. You have to make the mistakes yourself to truly learn from them.

My 60-word entry. I might revise it some as they said that's allowed before Sept 24. Yeah, it's tough.

I liked the story -- I like heists! -- but I almost wonder whether the story would be better without names (husband/wife instead?).

Thanks, yeah I was thinking at least of getting rid of the wife's name, but I kinda feel getting rid of both would be too distancing. I can see how it looks like a heist, but I had all this back story in my head that I try to communicate in just 1-2 words, and a lot of implication that if clearer would probably make the story look more like some kind of Indiana Jones adventure, and some heady stuff about having kids (don't ask). Good to see I wasn't getting any of that across though

Minase wrote:

EDIT: Your entry was awesome, ColdForged.

Likewise! I really dig it.

I've edited mine twice now :D.

EDIT: Make that three times. I think I'm finally satisfied. At least until I'm not ;).

I'm throwing this up in here. It's a better fit for it than in the questions thread, anyway.

ClockworkHouse wrote:

Should a pitch for a magazine article include information about myself or just the pitch for the article content itself? In what style should the pitch be written? My assumption is that the pitch should be written as a formal letter and should eschew information about myself in favor of a brief synopsis of the "meat" of the article being proposed. Am I off-base here?

Does anyone have some experience with this who might be willing to throw up a sample pitch?

I realize that it's a bit of a broad question, but I'm looking for some basic guidelines.