The best essay test answer EVER! (NSFW because of hilarity)

Cubby found this.

Enjoy!

The Question

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and... (read more)

The Answer

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

That's too funny.

If this was really an answer to a test question I will eat not only my hat but everyone's hats.

Real or fake, that was a good read.

Player Hater wrote:

If this was really an answer to a test question I will eat not only my hat but everyone's hats.

No hat eating for you, http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/h... but there is some interesting back story on this story there.

No matter where it came from, still a good read

My favorite "college essay story" is actually something from the Campus Comedy section of Reader's Digest from years ago. I'll have to paraphrase it, obviously, but it stuck with me pretty well.

A few years ago, I was in a philosophy class in college with a notoriously hard-ass professor. The final exam was a one-question essay test which accounted for 20% of the final grade, so it was definitely one of those make-it-or-break-it tests.

Test day arrived, and everyone took their seats in the lecture hall, pens and paper at the ready. The professor gave the typical pre-test make-you-sh*t-your-pants-in-fear talk, then turned and wrote the question on the blackboard:

"What is courage?"

I stared at the board as what initially sounds like an innocent and simple question began to rattle through my mind. The class soon settled down into a frenzy of scribbling on paper, and I expected most of us would need the full two hours to craft impressive enough essays to try for a good grade. However, only about two minutes passed before one student got up, handed in their essay, and left the room.

I later caught him elsewhere on campus and asked him what he'd written down and handed in. He shrugged and said that he simply wrote "this is."

He got an A.

No idea if it was a true story, but if I'd been the professor I'd have to seriously consider giving an A for such a concise and fairly accurate definition.

That story has been around for a long time. Still funny as hell though.

Funny either way real or not

My favorite variation:

A philosophy proffesor, for his final, walked in to the full classroom holding a 3 legged stool. He said, "Using whatever doctrine we've studied this year, prove to me that this stool does not exist."

Most of the students began writing like crazy. But one student just smiled to himself. He wrote what appeared to be a few words then took his stuff, walked down to the proffesor, handed in his sheet and walked out. The proffesor looked and on the sheet he'd written, "What stool?" He got an A.

Grenn wrote:

My favorite variation:

A philosophy proffesor, for his final, walked in to the full classroom holding a 3 legged stool. He said, "Using whatever doctrine we've studied this year, prove to me that this stool does not exist."

Most of the students began writing like crazy. But one student just smiled to himself. He wrote what appeared to be a few words then took his stuff, walked down to the proffesor, handed in his sheet and walked out. The proffesor looked and on the sheet he'd written, "What stool?" He got an A.

I've worked with nurses for too long. The word "stool" has completely changed definitions.

ClockworkHouse wrote:

I've worked with nurses for too long. The word "stool" has completely changed definitions.

Likewise, from dating a nurse. Ah, the "how was your day at work" conversations.

For snappy answers to stupid test questions, I've always enjoyed this chestnut:

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That x=5cm diagram fail is awesome in that it shows how different scientists think vs. philosophers think. All those "witty answers to tough philosophical questions" stories always end up with A+ grades. You can see how funny the grader found the joke in the right triangle diagram.

The variation I've heard on this is the philosophy professor setting the question 'Is this a question?' and the supposed A student giving the answer 'Is this an answer?'.

Yeah, those don't work in science and maths because you're meant to be learning how to do practical things. If you're doing maths to design something for someone else to construct, or to work out the maximum stresses that you can put on an RSJ or whatever, you need the actual answer, and the smartarsed stuff just gets you fired. I'm sure the customers at McDonald's will really enjoy Mr "I can't be bothered to use Pythagoras"'s bon mots.

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