Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles

E3 is kind of like the food from Denny’s; it takes a long time to digest. It might be fair to say that I hadn’t fully digested the experience of last year’s E3 until just before this year’s show, though that may just have been the chili nachos I kept eating. I can imagine those things sitting lodged in my digestive track for decades. I digress. The experience of E3 is much greater than the sum total of games that we got to look at. It has far more to do with the bits that happen in between playing the games, or standing in line for demos, or having people skeptically look at our media badge. In fact, what I will likely remember most from this year’s E3, much like last year’s, has very little to do with the endless parade of games (good, great, and otherwise) that were played.

The setting of E3 is itself a character in the whole ordeal. I know that I’ve seen very little of Los Angeles in my time there â€" it is a city of the grandest kind of scale â€" and I assume there must be small corners of it nestled in hidden groves where there is a kind of normalcy. I, however, have not seen any concrete evidence of such a place. If anything Hollywood is an even more surreal place than I would have at first imagined, a kind of walking delusion that has taken terrible and ridiculous form. It is spectacle and hopelessness rolled into a floury tortilla with just a hint of cilantro and served with pico de gallo. There is at once a constant sense that a mugging at gunpoint is certainly around the next corner, and also that the mugger will be Chewbacca or the Lone Ranger.

If any single place is stranger than the streets of Hollywood then it may very well be the show floor of E3 itself. I have no real frame of reference from which to criticize or, for that matter, celebrate the sensory exaggeration of this show, so I can’t tell you if it has become louder, stranger, more crowded, or more insipid than previous years, but I can tell you that it is, at times, all of those things in varying degrees. It is like walking through an episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus if John Cleese spoke like a rap star and kept shooting Eric Idol in the face while Michael Palin stood with a quiet desperation in a metal bikini posing for pictures with the audience. I guess I’m saying that E3 is even stranger than an episode of Flying Circus.

It is certainly not an event that I can imagine attending alone. Though I did spend much of the show striking out on my own, I absolutely required the repeated companionship of familiar people to reaffirm that reality itself hadn’t been randomly rent asunder. Besides it’s simply impossible to see everything in those few days, so the need to compare notes and know what to take a look at is absolutely required. If I were to attend E3 alone my report back would probably be very brief sentences about how I holed up in a corner with a pointy stick and lashed out at passers by. I would speak of a coming apocalypse, my impressive collection of canned goods, and how I would stab any man in the eye who tried to take those goods. Which brings me to my companions.

Certis, Pyro, and Reaper make for an interesting assemblage of comrades. While we each seem very different from one another, our group coalesced nicely. Certis and I have a longstanding relationship based primarily on belittling one another. It is a surprisingly solid foundation that moves naturally from online persona to reality. I’m not sure if this constant animosity is some kind of dysfunctional friendship or a secret power-struggle based entirely on tearing down the strengths of the other â€" a battle which I’m sure to ultimately lose â€" but it works as a basis for communication. I can say, however, that it is an intensely satisfying experience to casually tell Certis to shut up in person, and that recurring opportunity alone will encourage me to seek out his company.

It is also intensely satisfying to win at Mario Party and in the most condescending and blatant voice possible say, ‘aw, snap!’ He hates it when you do that.

Pyro I can sum up in two words. 1) Funny. 2) Vindictive. I think the funny part plays out obviously enough in the persona he presents here on the site, but the vindictive was a surprise. He takes no issue with executing his own downfall if it can also bring down those who have crossed him, which makes him a questionable partner in a 2v2 Mario Party mini-game. So jealous was he of my quick mastery over the game that he must have perceived it as a personal slight, even though I fixed him with doe-eyed looks of affection and whispered soft apologies. No matter how I cajoled him he simply would not have Boo spray those little windows so that Mario could clean, reveling instead on my brief and ultimately irrelevant defeat. So very very bitter.

Watching Pyro at E3 is a little bit like watching a desperately starving vegan activist at a hot-dog cookout. He so vehemently rejects the sensationalism, the mindless stereotypical marketing, and the Draconian efforts of digital rights protectors, and so to see him hip deep in the most blatant celebration of those things was like watching Darth Vader at the end of Jedi trying to decide whether or not to throw the Emperor down the conveniently located shaft. I think maybe that conflicted state probably had something to do with his vindictiveness, and he probably feels terrible about the way he treated me. Just terrible.

It’s okay, Pyro. I understand.

As for Reaper, well honestly he never once tried to kill anyone. I think we can all be pleasantly surprised. Reaper has something of an image to uphold, and I hate to shatter that, but he seemed like a well-mannered, even-tempered kind of guy. Not once did he shred his own shirt with a deer knife, leap onto the sofa, and shout ‘Who wants a shanking!� Honestly, he may be the most balanced of the four of us.

But, we enjoyed more than the company of one another. We also met some of our readers at the GWJ Meet and Greet which was a resounding success. We doubled our attendance from last year. That may seem small when you consider that attendance was up to four from last year’s two, but math tells me that if we can maintain that kind of increase then 2025’s Meet and Greet should be attended by just over two-million people! I’m always pleasantly surprised that our readers are quite so normal and pleasant. I’m not sure if that’s a compliment of you guys or a backhanded insult.

We enjoyed a very nice dinner at a very nice place whose name I couldn’t remember at gunpoint   not even if Clayton Moore himself were pointing that gun at me. We talked about E3, and the games industry, and the site, and we all agreed which one of you we hated most â€" sadly, Mex â€" though there were many candidates. The Meet and Greet is swiftly becoming my most anticipated part of the E3 experience.

IMAGE(http://www.gamerswithjobs.com/files/images/IMG_0089.thumbnail_0.jpg)

In closing, I think I’ll leave you with some discreet things I learned from this year’s trip:

- Taxi cabs in LA are an exploitive scenic route through hell. Drivers will take you on ‘shortcuts’ through the most terrifying segments of Los Angeles with the implied threat that if you complain about it, they may just leave you.

- Lee Reherman is a working stiff just like the rest of us. Just because you once played for the Dolphins and hosted a television show or two doesn’t mean you won’t end up at a trade convention doing hourly demos for a Ghost Recon game. Also, he slapped me. Really, he did.

- Never play as Boo in Mario Party. Poor bastard doesn’t have legs, and that is a real handicap in some of those mini-games. Just ask Pyro.

- The new consoles may have been the talk of E3 everywhere else, but they were the least interesting thing around as far as I could tell. A lot of promises and a lot of software running on overheated computers while decoy prototype boxes sat nearby.

- Having someone you’ve never met say, “Gamers with jobs? Yeah, that’s a great site,â€? was an unexpected thrill.

- We may have all played at not caring too much about Star Wars, but the amount of energy expended in trying to find a theater near us that was playing it and wasn’t sold-out suggests otherwise.

- The only game that sent real shivers down my spine was Alan Wake.

- When you ask for a showing of Midway’s Unreal Tournament 2007 and are told to schedule an appointment, don’t ask if you should schedule that appointment at the main Atari booth.

And there are more, far more than I could ever list. It really will take me the full year to digest it all, and only just before I pack my bags for E3 2K6 will I be able to close the door on this year’s show. Part of me shivers at the thought of attending again, but already I feel the first tugs of desire, and I know I must return.

- Elysium

OH! - And to answer the burning question on everyone's mind from this year's E3. Here's how you handle sleeping arrangements when there's only one bed. Well, it's like you probably guessed.

IMAGE(http://www.gamerswithjobs.com/files/images/special_place.thumbnail.jpg)

The pillow between us is how you know we're not gay. It's a symbol that speaks for us while we sleep. It says, 'these guys are totally hetero!'

Comments

I LOVE having sex with women.

I mean... my wife.

I have complex feelings, get teary eyed at movies about unrequited love, embrace the tree-hugginess of my liberalism, and post sentimental nonsense about how awesome everyone is. That's all guy stuff, right?

You may have a pillow between you, but we can't see where your hands are!

KrazyTaco[FO wrote:

You may have a pillow between you, but we can't see where your hands are!

Drat! My plan to post the first clever response is thwarted yet again.

Someday Taco, someday...

Nice post Ely. 'Twas some fun reading

Pyro I can sum up in two words. 1) Funny. 2) Vindictive. I think the funny part plays out obviously enough in the persona he presents here on the site, but the vindictive was a surprise. He takes no issue with executing his own downfall if it can also bring down those who have crossed him, which makes him a questionable partner in a 2v2 Mario Party mini-game. So jealous was he of my quick mastery over the game that he must have perceived it as a personal slight, even though I fixed him with doe-eyed looks of affection and whispered soft apologies. No matter how I cajoled him he simply would not have Boo spray those little windows so that Mario could clean, reveling instead on my brief and ultimately irrelevant defeat. So very very bitter.

Watching Pyro at E3 is a little bit like watching a desperately starving vegan activist at a hot-dog cookout. He so vehemently rejects the sensationalism, the mindless stereotypical marketing, and the Draconian efforts of digital rights protectors, and so to see him hip deep in the most blatant celebration of those things was like watching Darth Vader at the end of Jedi trying to decide whether or not to throw the Emperor down the conveniently located shaft. I think maybe that conflicted state probably had something to do with his vindictiveness, and he probably feels terrible about the way he treated me. Just terrible.

It’s okay, Pyro. I understand.

Oh now you play the martyr. While we were playing Mario Party it was "Hey guys, did you see where I won at Mario Party? That was great." and "I was an ass last night when I beat you guys at Mario Party, and you know what? I'm still an ass. I'm the winner!". My legless little bastard needed to take his shots where he can get them.

Everyone knows Mario is in cahoots with the CPU anyway, his name is in the freaking game!

Also, I loved the Meet and Greet as well, it was a nice suprise to have as many as we did show up and it was genuinely a pretty good time. As I was flying home, I was glad to leave LA and get away from E3 and it's spectacle, buf it there was one thing I could do more of it's hang out with the GWJ guys. That's really most of the fun of going.

Oh and that pillow, it's just trying in vain to hold back the passion.

For those of you wondering who is who at the meet and greet from left to right it is Pyro, Certis, Elysium, The Fly, Reaper, Sephirotic, Edgar Newt and Crawling Chaos. Extra big thanks to Crawling for handling the arrangements and post-party protection through the mean streets of LA. Also with us in spirit was Bill Harris by way of Edgar's Blackberry.

Wow Elysium does look like his avatar.

So wait, Sanjuro looks like David Schwimmer and Edgar Newt looks like Matthew Perry. Hey, maybe with a few more, we could get a traveling Friends stage show going. Yeah, that's the ticket!

That picture with the pillow is one of the best pictures I've seen on the internet. Ever.

Elysium wrote:

When you ask for a showing of Midway’s Unreal Tournament 2007 and are told to schedule an appointment, don’t ask if you should schedule that appointment at the main Atari booth.

Noes! So that's why there wasn't any UT2k7 goodness! Can't we send them a box of chocolates or something?

Great article BTW!

Elysium wrote:

The pillow between us is how you know we're not gay. It's a symbol that speaks for us while we sleep. It says, 'these guys are insecurely hetero!'

I made a slight change, there. I'm sure you'll object with much hand-slapping and squealing.

This was a highly enjoyable article, Elysium.

Rat Boy wrote:

So wait, Sanjuro looks like David Schwimmer and Edgar Newt looks like Matthew Perry. Hey, maybe with a few more, we could get a traveling Friends stage show going. Yeah, that's the ticket!

Now all we have to do is find some guys who look like Rachel, Phoebe and Monica.

shihonage wrote:
Rat Boy wrote:

So wait, Sanjuro looks like David Schwimmer and Edgar Newt looks like Matthew Perry. Hey, maybe with a few more, we could get a traveling Friends stage show going. Yeah, that's the ticket!

Now all we have to do is find some guys who look like Rachel, Phoebe and Monica.

I think there are at least three women here... SillyRabbit, Slambie, and Hoochie... they'll probably need surgery but its doable!

Edgar Newt kind of looks like a younger version of my father to me...

Daddy?

Noes! So that's why there wasn't any UT2k7 goodness! Can't we send them a box of chocolates or something?

It's being published by Midway this year. I made the same mistake, which the UT2K7 door guard was quick to correct me. He was also an ass.

Pyroman wrote:

It's being published by Midway this year.

Whoa, this year?! Or do you mean next year? :O

I could have died without ever seeing that picture. But no now i will forever have it's image burned on my mind.

Good read Ely. The impressions of games and of the experience from real people uninhibited by corporate synergy or contracts with satan is a godsend these days. I love this site.

Just curious, what's that odd stain on the pillow? Anyone have a flourescent light?

Note to Pyro and Reaper: I will pay handsomly for those pictures of Certis and Elysium spooning in homo-erotic bliss. This other picture is the biggest fraud to ever bless this site. Please PM me for more info.

Delicious article, Elysium. Makes me regret some more that I didn't have the chance to attend this year and hook up with you guys.

Nice close up of the GWJ E3 coverage, thanks for another great year of E3! Nice pic of the GWJ meetup, but where's all the beer bottles, shot glasses and booth babes! Looks like a AAA meeting.

I was going to say, 'Get a Room!' But it looks like you already did.

Looking at the pillow picture, it suddenly becomes clear why Hoochie and I were not included in this trip!

I'm sorry, but that bedroom shot looks way too staged to be believable. What we don't see here are Pyro and Reaper spooning with abandon on the floor, fringe porn flickering on the tv(s), harnesses hanging from the ceiling, and disheveled hookers digging through the fridge for something to eat.

You can't fool me.

shihonage wrote:

Wow Elysium does look like his avatar.

Heh, so does Certis. Like his old avatar. Hell, maybe a little like his new one, too.

I think Certis is my long lost brother. Except I think I am slightly fatter.

Anyone else look at the 'pillow photo' and hear a song with the words unrequited love in it?

great article...hope to join you all next year at the meet and greet...assuming you all will drink a shot or three for old times sakes...

and again to the pillow photo...I like to think that they did the hot-bunking navy concept - 2 sleep / 2 shower, rinse/repeat...(no need to see the photo of the two showering - thankyouverymuch!)

E3 has wiggled its way into that part of my mind devoted to gaming (much like those worms from Wrath of Khan) and I don't think it will ever come out. What a spectacle. I suppose, for better or worse, that the experience will continue to overshadow my thoughts about games from here on out.

Anyway, great article. I'm looking forward to next year.

and we all agreed which one of you we hated most â€" sadly, Mex â€" though there were many candidates.

Only because I'm beautiful

I still don't understand. You say there's only one bed, but there were four of you. Where are the other two? Wait a second.. That's no pillow, that's Pyro's head!

Mex wrote:

I still don't understand. You say there's only one bed, but there were four of you. Where are the other two? Wait a second.. That's no pillow, that's Pyro's head!

No, that's Pyro's head under the pillow. That had to find some way to keep him from complaining all the time, after all.