Moronic things you have done

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I was having a snack earlier today and was cutting an apple to the side of my laptop. With one chop I managed to sever the cord to my nearly new mouse neatly in two. After looking at my handiwork for two seconds I promptly yelled a profanity. Please share your own moments of ineptitude to lessen my shame.

I had a lighter that just didn't work. I thought it doesn't have enough gas, so I put it very close to my nose to smell for gas and sparked it. It suddenly worked and I realized how stupid I was. At least my nasal hair was taken care of.

A long time ago, an old girlfriend of mine told me to try vaporub as a lubricant. At the time, not so funny. Today, moronic and a source of humor for me and my wife.

wanderingtaoist wrote:

I had a lighter that just didn't work. I thought it doesn't have enough gas, so I put it very close to my nose to smell for gas and sparked it. It suddenly worked and I realized how stupid I was. At least my nasal hair was taken care of.

That reminds me of how my girlfriend burned my brows two years ago, playing with lighter. For next few weeks I was blond man with very dark brows

Brizahd wrote:

I no longer have the picture it seems but my raged induced destruction of my 360 elite, 4 controllers, and some 20 games comes to mind. Especially because the reason I destroyed it was fixed not to long after I did it...

It was a thing of beauty. I think I saved it on my computer somewhere for some reason.

I no longer have the picture it seems but my raged induced destruction of my 360 elite, 4 controllers, and some 20 games comes to mind. Especially because the reason I destroyed it was fixed not to long after I did it...

My mom had recently died in a car wreck and I was in a crazy place. Just angry about the how and why of it. I bought the 360 elite with some of my inheritance money as a distraction for myself. Instead when I came across the DRM stuff it uncorked all my pent up emotions instead.

When I was in my late teens breaking into a house to talk to my ex g/f is another good example. Crying like a baby while 4 cops were frisking me on the ground. Luckily my ex g/f's friend was convinced not to press any charges. One positive of it though was one of the cops had a man to man talk with me about how lucky I was that night. Talked to me about women and life in general. A lot of what he said made sense to me.

Another one would be the time a friend and I were kicked out of a strip club and dropped a bunch of f-bombs on the bouncers that followed us into the parking lot. Long story short it ended up with me being beaten up while seat belted in my car by 3 of the 4 bouncers while the 4th yelled at my friend through the passenger window. There is more to the story and it is a whole lot of stupid. I plead the 5th though.

MaxShrek wrote:
Brizahd wrote:

I no longer have the picture it seems but my raged induced destruction of my 360 elite, 4 controllers, and some 20 games comes to mind. Especially because the reason I destroyed it was fixed not to long after I did it...

It was a thing of beauty. I think I saved it on my computer somewhere for some reason.

Offered up in sacrifice to the DRM gods. I still have the letter from Microsoft. Dsgamer's suggestion to trade it in for a PS3 hit me like a splash of water. A very smart completely sane idea that never once occurred to me.

One time I poured a whole bottle of Drano in a clogged kitchen sink that was half full of standing water.

I waited the requisite time for the chemicals to do their thing, but saw no results. I decided to take matters into my own hands and since I didn't have a snake, I figured a toilet plunger would work just as well at loosening up the clog.

Yeah, so the plunger slipped out of my hands 10 seconds later and the Drano soup concoction splashed all up in my face. I guess the gods were with me that day, or I'd likely be typing this on a braille keyboard today.

I walked into a running edger. Got fives cuts, and one was about an inch away from my tendon. I have no idea what I was thinking.

There's too many to count (particularly recently) but here's a better one: I used to work doing high-speed Internet installs for a major cable operator. I didn't actually install the cable but was paired with a cable guy and often helped them out. One cold winter day, I was helping drill holes in a brick wall to do an external line run. I was standing on ice in running shoes. While drilling, I lost my footing and slammed my face into the back of the cordless drill. The only reason I'm not missing my right eye is because I had sunglasses on. The drill bit ended up curled over like a sausage. The guy kept it in his truck to laugh at me with it.

Once I let a round-trip airline voucher expire because I couldn't decide where to go.

Not me, but my dad, drilled a hole in the back of my mom's brand new roll-top desk for cords....with the top rolled up into the back. The whole point of the roll top was to cover the desk, and now the top has a nice hole right in it. Oops.

It's unconfirmed gossip at this stage, but I'd like to nominate my mate for spending last night drunkenly hitting on a mutual friend of ours. Wouldn't be too bad in it's own right, except he works with her. And knows she's lived with her boyfriend for a couple of years.

I read an internet comment once.

I even started writing a response, but some great force miraculously pulled me back from that pit of insanity.

MaxShrek wrote:

A long time ago, an old girlfriend of mine told me to try vaporub as a lubricant. At the time, not so funny. Today, moronic and a source of humor for me and my wife.

Ditto except I told myself to try it.

In high school I was doing yard work for spare cash with a friend. In a rush to finish up on a hot day I started wrecklessly trimming with a weed wacker while wearing shorts and no shoes. It wasn't until I was 1/2 done that I realized I'd trimmed up my legs too - had about 15 lashes on each leg. Drove home with blood dripping onto the floor mats and still had scars on my legs about 5 years later. Made for a good story during graduation parties though.

More recently I was in a rush to fix a water leak in my house. I had a fixed amount of time to get it done, take a shower and head to a wedding. In my haste I cut the pipe on the left rather than the one on the right - which meant no hot water - which meant kick into high gear to do twice as much work in the same amount of time. I barely got a shower and to the wedding and ended up having a plumber come in to laugh at me and clean up my mess.

DirtierParsley wrote:

In a rush to finish up on a hot day.

More recently I was in a rush to fix a water leak in my house.

I'm sensing a pattern here.

Kind of mild, but it happened like two days ago, so at least it's still fresh! I had a box of tonic water cans I was trying to get into after a long, stressful day of work. Trying to wrestle one end open, I got frustrated, grabbed a big knife and jabbed it into the box ... and then right through a can. The spray was all over my face, cupboards and a very annoyed cat who thought there was a treat forthcoming.

Damn me if that wasn't a good Gin and tonic after I cleaned up, though.

Hmm... What to choose...

I was playing with a simple toy at work, a kind of interconnected bit of plastic elbow macaroni. One of the connector pegs broke off in another, and in my infinite wisdom, I decided to try and pry out the broken piece with my pocket knife. Well, in the process of trying to pry it out, the knife began to close back into it's case, where the tip of my right index finger was resting. It promptly sliced the tip in half, through the nail. It was hanging by a tiny flap. The ER doctor stitched me up and superglued everything together. When my GP was removing the stitches, he told me I was likely to lose the nail, and it would grow deformed from now on. Well, the ER doctor did his work well, because I did not lose the nail, and it does not grow any differently than it ever did before. I have a nearly invisible scar leftover, so I was tremendously lucky.

Another one, I was probably about 15 years old, and had gotten into building my own computers a few years before. I had completed my first major, all-new component build, and added an item of luxury: an RF wireless mouse. This was before optical mice. I had been gaming with it, a particularly frustrating game, which I can't even recall anymore, and in a moment of anger, I picked up the mouse and slammed it on the desk. It didn't work after that. It had not been inexpensive.

There are plenty of others, but I think I'd rather stop here.

I think Brezahd wins.

Also, I dated a woman recently who everyone told me was bipolar. She was.

I'm always putting the milk in the cupboard where the cereal goes. And forgetting about it. And having to buy new milk.

EDIT: I confused Grant Morrison with Alan Moore on the Arkham Asylum thread. Not only will I be barred from the comic store, but they will take my passport away =(

I once stopped paying attention to what I was doing and rested my bare arm on the inner seal ring of a boiler door.

I didn't do it for very long, but it sure felt like forever.

Is there an expiration date?

13 years ago I tried my luck playing Vampire the Masquerade role playing game . They asked for donations for the club's activity on one specific day . I was up some stairs (about 7 or 8) , so I jumped and landed with on an extended leg. The result was "a fracture of the tibial plateau" and it hurt a lot for 2 month.

Niseg wrote:

13 years ago I tried my luck playing Vampire the Masquerade role playing game .

Yeah. You could have ended the post right there and it would have fit.

I Kid! I Kid! I too played Vampire the Masquerade with a group of peers back then. Problem was...well I am a fan of Vampires, but that group, they LOVED Vampires. And that was my introduction to the start of the Goth movement. Not that there was anything wrong with that, I even dated one. but that group, woah. I just hope that the current Lovers of the Twilight series never find out about Vampire the Requiem. I went back to playing Shadowrun not long after that.

As for my own Moronic things? Only now, after years on this site, have I found the Goodjer Commandments

MaxShrek wrote:

A long time ago, an old girlfriend of mine told me to try vaporub as a lubricant. At the time, not so funny. Today, moronic and a source of humor for me and my wife.

This is so choice if true.

Thought my Taurus could make a turn sharper than it could right next to my truck... was going a bit fast... fortunately the step on the truck just sliced very neatly into the front bumper, didn't tear or anything.

You know that classic cartoon gag where someone turns on a hose, then looks into the end to see why no water is coming out? I did that, and sprayed a jet of water directly into my eye.

When I got my first swiss army knife I immediately went outside to try it out on a piece of wood. After a while I noticed the blade was starting to fold back in, so I tried to push the blade back into place. Applying pressure directly to a very sharp blade with my thumb was, in retrospect, a very bad idea.

I once rested my hand directly on a hot stove element and had a spiral burn mark on my palm for a long time afterward.

Once, on a Boy Scout camping trip, some friends and I were wandering through the bush and found a bunch of small dead trees. Naturally, it seemed like a great idea to push them over. One tree was being particularly stubborn, so I started wiggling it back and forth to weaken it. Suddenly, it started to topple over - directly towards me. My friends tell me that they saw me come crashing towards them through the bush at top speed while a tree slowly fell down behind me, just missing me.

Friend of mine once was heating pizza in oven and tried to take out the pan with bare hands. Kinda dumb. After 5 minutes of screaming, holding hand under cold water and bandaging the hand up a bit, he tried to take out the pan again. With bare other hand.

Reeeally dumb.

muttonchop wrote:

You know that classic cartoon gag where someone turns on a hose, then looks into the end to see why no water is coming out? I did that, and sprayed a jet of water directly into my eye.

I did this with a squeeze bottle of mustard.

As a kid.
Tried to lick the frost off the inside of the freezer.
A day of pain and a month of everything tasting like I had a cold.

One time, when I was working at Gamestop in the mall, I went to work, left my car unlocked, with the keys in the ignition, and the car running. 8 hours later, I came out to my car and noticed but it was still there.

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