Don't Be A Careful Carl!

There are three times in my life that have left me feeling both completely sated and yet wishing I could pull out my soul and toss it in the wash with a good bleach load.  The first was the time I went to Tijuana with some Navy buddies stationed in Miramar.  Let's just say for the record that nothing screams alcoholic trouble like walking into a bar with wood chips spread across the floor.  I saw things.  There was a donkey.  I donÂ't wish to speak further on the matter.  The second is the time I had a nine hour layover between trains in New Orleans.  If you think you canÂ't get into much trouble on a September's Wednesday afternoon at the French Quarter youÂ'd be wrong.  Very wrong.  IÂ'd like to send out an open note of thanks to the stripper who ushered me into the cab and paid for my ride back to the train station, not to mention all the people who could have mugged me and sold my kidneys on the black market but didnÂ't. 

The third is pretty much every time I play Counter Strike.

Over the past several years IÂ've put a completely irrational number of hours into Counter Strike with, in every sense of the word, nothing to show for it.  I watch as people take up Counter Strike anew firing their machine gun helplessly into the air, and within a matter of days seem to master the art of controlled bursts and stealth.  All the while I plateau at a skill level slightly above epileptic.  I master the maps, know ever nook, and with great aplomb march toward the Sisyphean certainty of my fate.  

In no other area of my life am I possessed of unpredictable spasms except this game where, upon encountering an enemy, IÂ'm as likely to do a pirouette as anything tactical or productive.  People usually kill me quickly, though thatÂ's more a matter of impatience than necessity, I think.  IÂ'm not a direct threat to anyone, unless one of my random bullets sprays shrapnel into someoneÂ's eye or I startle a rabid animal.  ItÂ's not that I don't know how to play.  In my copious time between rounds I watch as dedicated players make smart moves, line up shots, and cut deep swaths in the ranks of their enemies.  ItÂ's simply an impassible mental block that separates the cognitive and physical processes.  IÂ'm the Antonio Salierie of Counter Strike to everyone elseÂ's Mozart; I recognize the talent but donÂ't possess it.

At some point I came to the conclusion that I needed some kind of advantage to mitigate for lack of ability.  My feelings on the scatological nature of those who use online cheats prevented me from crossing that threshold, so it was not an easy answer.  Clearly I was incapable of stealth, subtlety, or accuracy, which left me with what has become affectionately termed the Spiderman move.  ItÂ's a fairly simple and totally ineffective design in which – as opposed to making a careful or advisable move – one jumps out from around a corner and fires wildly into the air on the off chance that the enemy will be so startled as to wander into the assault.  It is also high comedy to watch.

There are certain stylistic modifications that can be employed as enhancement.  For example if you jump around a corner and no one is there, turn quickly through 180 degrees as if carefully checking your Â"sixÂ", then dash toward the next corner and repeat.  Also, the Spidey move gains bonus style points if implemented on a set of stairs, leaping down to the landing and expunging a violent and random spray of bullets.  You might be quick to point out how vulnerable a position this leaves the player, completely exposed and slightly stunned from the leap, to which IÂ'd respond if youÂ're so busy being a Careful Carl, then youÂ'll never be Spidey material.  The ultimate Spidey move – aside from the unrealistic situation where the action ends in the death of an adversary – is to leap from your position while singing the Spiderman song over Teamspeak.  The verbal mockery to follow should be seen as jealousy.

Once dead, the most common result of Spidey implementation, you should encourage others to join you in reckless abandon.  If you watch someone being a Careful Carl and wasting the time of everyone who died quickly, you should remind them later that Spidey doesnÂ't sneak.  Spidey just goes.  IÂ'm fairly convinced that if everyone stuck to the Spiderman methodology the enjoyment factor for any given game of Counter Strike would rise exponentially.

Its use also makes me feel a little less dirty while playing.  IÂ've found over the tragic years IÂ've spent playing Counter Strike that the only time to really be ashamed of what youÂ're doing is when you take it too seriously.  ThatÂ's not to say that one shouldnÂ't set the game up to optimum settings, or to be enthusiastic about playing the game, or even ask that players follow the basic tenets of the game, like not shooting the hostages, or assuming that the team that should be on the move isnÂ't camping the spawn.  What it means is that you canÂ't let yourself get to a position of losing a perspective of fun.  The moment I get angry from a death, or start thinking I should be better than I am, then I know that itÂ's time to pack the game away again. 

Right now, having a new version of the game to play with people whose company I enjoy is a breath of fresh air for my relationship with Counter Strike.  I know logically that itÂ's the flavor of the month, and the game wonÂ't last, but for now a Spidey kill sparks a special place in my soul I havenÂ't felt since -- well since that man in Tijuana offered to buy my driverÂ's license for $500 dollars. 

- Elysium

Comments

Counter-strike is a nasty, evil habit that's so much fun when it's working you keep getting sucked back in. I used to (and might be again, now that CS:S has hooked me back in) play with some guys who were all about an order of magnitude better than I am and the relentless maulings I took eventually eroded my enjoyment clean away. Not that I'm bitter!

Maybe if you used a tactical shield in the manuever, it'd seem a little more like leet strateegery?

I'm the Antonio Salierie of Counter Strike to everyone else's Mozart; I recognize the talent but don't possess it.

Only you could come up with something like this in an article about Counter-Strike. Bravo! *clap* *clap*

Do you at least get to feed chocolates to Wolfie's large breasted but stupid wife?

Man, I'm so getting the urge to play this after not having played it for years. But gawd, I just can't see the expense for just being everyones shooting post...again!:)

I want to play CS now. I've played it once before and I was okay at it. I had fun, which is the whole point. My computer here can't handle it unfortuneately.

Last time I got an urge to play Counter Strike, I joined up with a GWJ night back when we had a stint with the normal CS. I got bored inside of 15 minutes. I don't know, I used to love the game. I just usually can't pick things back up later after I've played them to death though. One semester in college, back when Napster first got popular, our internet went to sh*t. So the only thing we could do was play on a Counter Strike server hosted at UofL, since our network was routed through them to the internet. We could get great pings to that one, we had a pretty decent team of people playing CS vs UofL guys. Those were the days, back before 1.0.

It's a fairly simple and totally ineffective design in which – as opposed to making a careful or advisable move – one jumps out from around a corner and fires wildly into the air on the off chance that the enemy will be so startled as to wander into the assault.

This is me in any game that has vehicles. If I can get behind the wheel, I start careening towards the enemy at random, running straight into their base and trying to ram people. Or I get on the turret and start spraying randomly. My favorite is to try to get the vehicle into places it shouldn't be. Somehow the confusion voiced over teamspeak when it's discovered I'm driving the jeep up the third story stairs in their base makes all the random deaths worth it. No strategy or effective pattern, just running at the enemy as fast as possible and hoping I nail somebody. It's the only way to play.

I'm the Antonio Salierie of Counter Strike to everyone else's Mozart; I recognize the talent but don't possess it.

Hey Elysium, Frasier called and they want their old script back..

Well screw them, they can't have it!

Ahh, strippers aren't really bad people. They're very nice once you get to know them.

But then the money goes away, and they stop being nice... It's kinda funny.

That night we learned of the spiderman move was great fun. I've started using it, myself, but you're still the spiderman.

That's not to say that one shouldn't set the game up to optimum settings, or to be enthusiastic about playing the game, or even ask that players follow the basic tenets of the game, like not shooting the hostages, or assuming that the team that should be on the move isn't camping the spawn. What it means is that you can't let yourself get to a position of losing a perspective of fun.

Well said! Let's just have fun playing. We aren't a CS clan in any kind of tournament, or whatever. Also, with our numbers growing and a lot of new people it's important to remember that there are many different personalities to get along with. Then there's Zedian.

Great entry Elysium. I still find the phrase "Spiderman would just go" hilarious and have almost used it in meetings at work. Thankfully wisdom prevailed and I just went with the Dirka Dirka Dirka from Team America instead. I didn't want to look foolish.

I never thought this would be about CS but I guess I was wrong. Nice article.

If/when I finally start playing CS:S again, I hope it is a good time and I actually don't suck too bad.

I used to host a CS LAN party once or twice a month, just for some friends, nothing big. I never got into playing online that much, for all the reasons everyone knows.

One thing I find about CS is that if my playing ability is sub-par compared to the other players, I don't enjoy it. In fact, I have one friend who is quite a bit better than everyone else and even if I am doing better than most I don't have fun cause he can usually kill me with such ease.

I don't think CS is the game for me anymore... there aren't even any Hastati!

if it helps I suck at CS.... even when I used to play on a T1 I was as Baert would say "Craptacular".... now mind you I'm fairly decent at single player FPS... Just something about other...actual ?? (Lets call them Humans) that makes me suck at CS!

I must confess I've been a victim of Elysium's Spiderman move. I can also confess that it filled me with a simultaneous sense of awe and confusion. Then it kind of distilled into a slightly frothy disbelief :).

Pyroman[FO] wrote:

This is me in any game that has vehicles. If I can get behind the wheel, I start careening towards the enemy at random, running straight into their base and trying to ram people.

Amen. Primary reason I'm still playing UT2k4. I believe at this point I can write a pretty decent document on the joys to be found in piloting the various vehicles.

Pyroman[FO] wrote:

Somehow the confusion voiced over teamspeak when it's discovered I'm driving the jeep up the third story stairs in their base makes all the random deaths worth it.

I've been dabbling a little with the CS:S a bit... maybe I'll jump into one of the GWJ games one night.. although I barely recognize any of the people signed up for the games...

Great article Ely.

I'm yet another whose fallen to "The Spiderman" at least one time that I can remember. I also remember listening to the guys on teamspeak say "Spiderman wouldn't wait, Spiderman would just go", and then laughing until it hurt.

Best CS:S moment yet right there.

Great article! *clap*

scatological

How long have you been waiting to use that in an artocle?

How long have you been waiting to use that in an artocle?

I was far prouder of Sisyphean. I've used scatological before. Though it really is much tastier than just calling something sh*t.

Elysium wrote:
How long have you been waiting to use that in an artocle?

I was far prouder of Sisyphean. I've used scatological before. Though it really is much tastier than just calling something sh*t.

I would have sworn you'd worked both of them into an article before. My great hope was to somehow shoehorn the word "cunnilingus" into an article, but sadly that dream will have to go unfulfilled. That's just a tough one to work in, even metaphorically. Hell, especially metaphorically.

That's just a tough one to work in, even metaphorically. Hell, especially metaphorically.

Wanna bet.

ColdForged wrote:

I would have sworn you'd worked both of them into an article before. My great hope was to somehow shoehorn the word "cunnilingus" into an article, but sadly that dream will have to go unfulfilled. That's just a tough one to work in, even metaphorically. Hell, especially metaphorically.

It doesn't matter if it takes a long time to find a way; you just have to keep plugging away, nose to the grindstone, until you finally manage to bring it off.

I tried going back to CS Source, and I suppose I will again if I can find time while you all are playing, but...

I've gotten so used to the mechanics of DoD, like:

respawning less than 15 seconds after I die instead of watching a screen for 2 minutes screaming, "plant the f***ing bomb, you noob!!!"

Pulling out my non-desert eagle pistol and gunning someone down, instead of putting 10 glock rounds into someone to little or no effect.

moving as a team, working on common objectives, having effective non-killing objectives (like destroying key objects), rather than spending much wasted effort trying to get people to play CS like it's not HLDM with new weapons.

having a definite role that isn't an insult, (i.e. "our valued defensive sniper" vs. "you f***ing noob awp whore").

Well the list goes on...

For me it comes down to "CS is fun with the right people at the right time, while Day of Defeat is fun on 90% of servers I randomly select."

Can't wait for DoD: Source.