I Don't Wanna Grow Up

Forty feels nothing like what I imagined forty would feel like.

Even into my early thirties, I imagined someday I’d probably just stop playing video games. I imagined this in the context of some fundamental and inevitable change that I would undergo as a person. At some point, I imagined, I'd finally get the appropriate psyche that you'd expect for an old person and with that I’d just put away these childish things and start reading newspapers more often, and maybe walk around talking to other old people about how tragic it is that no one reads newspapers anymore.

In hindsight it’s a pretty naïve way of thinking about age and identity, but until you'd have lived it, you just don’t know. When I was young I looked at people ten and fifteen years older and I'd wonder what was the thing that finally dragged down the edges of their mouth and made grim their expressions. The answer is "gravity," I suppose, but what I didn’t know was that, regardless of wrinkles and grey, they were probably the same person they had been when they were my age.

Thing is, I feel young. Arguably, at a mere forty I am still young. Sure, my bones make slightly different complaints than they once did, and my beard looks like a dingy snow bank, but if I go long enough without looking in a mirror, I’m always slightly surprised to not see the once-familiar young face there. It’s not just nostalgia, it’s that on the inside I really don’t feel much different.

That’s a pleasant discovery.

I’m at an age normally reserved for good, solid midlife crises, and if I’m honest I now understand why they happen. I don’t think, like a lot of people seem to, that it has to do with someone finally coming to terms with the certainty that someday — and it’s not as far from now as it used to be — the world will happily spin without them alive on it.

No, I think instead, it’s just that we of middle-age live in a moment between simply not being able to afford a whim and having lost the desire to do the whim. My own personal midlife crisis activities are pretty much plastered all over this front page already. Largely, if you just walked into my life without context and found me writing about video games and playing enough of them to justify that writing, you’d be forgiven for thinking that I must be trying to recapture my youth.

Well, no. I don’t have to recapture anything. That youth is still bubbling at a good, rolling simmer on the inside. When I see the stereotypical older person in a relationship with someone much younger, I don’t find myself automatically assuming there’s anything intentionally prurient there. It’s probably just a reflection of how that person still sees themselves. If you gave me enough time, I’d be able to forget that I was 40, that I wasn’t still in college, that I had to know what my cholesterol level was.

With some caveats around not doing anything unreasonably stupid, I think it’s probably healthy for people to avoid acting their age the older they get. There’s the whole young-at-heart cliché, which is only a clichéd because it’s mentioned a lot and not because it’s untrue. It’s just that I think making a conscious decision to put away these things that sustain your energy and enthusiasm is pointlessly self limiting. The idea that I want to learn to play the guitar and start a band with some of my other old-person friends isn’t the desperate cry for help that I might have suspected when I was in my twenties. It’s just on the list of things to do that I haven’t been able to get to until now.

There should be a primer — a realistic, experiential guide that helps you know what’s coming. In many of my most grand experiences in my life (and certainly aging is among them), I can find out the facts of what will happen before they come along, but rarely do I see someone come along and say, "This is what it might feel like. This is what you might think. This is what the human experience will be."

Or maybe they did tell me, and I just wasn’t listening.

It’s encouraging, though, for me to think that as my body grows older, that growth doesn't mean that the source of "me" has to grow older as well. I can see the temptation for obsession over the idea of being a young person trapped in an increasingly fragile and frail casing, but if the outside is bound to decay either way, I’d rather at least get to experience the ride as the version of me to which I’ve grown accustomed.

Perhaps this is all wrong. Perhaps when I turn 43 I will cross that “I’m old!” threshold and pack away the Steam account and my guitar. Maybe it will at some point be as I had always suspected, that the person you are on the inside begins to grow tired as well. I hope not, though.

I kinda like being a big kid.

Comments

40? Young pup!
It's just a number. You are only as old as you feel.
Besides it's way more fun to frag the "kids" and then taunt them that they just got beat by "the Old Guy".

Getting old is mandatory...
... growing up is optional.

I think every generation defines what it means to be grown up.

The_Judge wrote:

Getting old is mandatory...
... growing up is optional.

That usually has a negative connotation, being advice to someone who's old but still irresponsible.

Elysium wrote:

Thing is, I feel young.

With that new bionic heart, you should!

Elysium wrote:

Perhaps when I turn 43 I will cross that “I’m old!” threshold and pack away the Steam account

As someone who just turned 44, I can confidently say "that ain't gonna happen."

From a charter member of Team Old & Slow looking back at you from the creaky old age of 45, I can tell you that you're still the same person you were.

Happy Birthday.

As another 40-year-old, I absolutely hear you. Where did all that silver in my hair come from? And why is my back doing strange and painful things all of a sudden?

But remarkably, I manage to confuse not only myself, but even other people, as to how old I am. I think I'll stay 19 or so for a while yet.

Recently 40 here, too. I have the added caveat that I have to put up with military life. They will always find some way to remind you of your age. This month they manged to sprain some ribs, a thumb, and re-injure my knee. Other than that I don't feel much different.

Perhaps this is all wrong. Perhaps when I turn 43 I will cross that “I’m old!” threshold and pack away the Steam account and my guitar. Maybe it will at some point be as I had always suspected, that the person you are on the inside begins to grow tired as well. I hope not, though.

I kinda like being a big kid.

From an "old" german guy, just a few days short of 45:

You define what's right or wrong for you! If you like it, be it!

One of my favourite revelations happened when I was ~30, hanging around with my dad and a couple of his friends one Friday night. I realized that they were exactly the same as I was (and I, of course, was no different than I had been when I was 20... right?); same bad jokes, same ogling of hot chicks, same understanding that farts are funny. The only difference is that they had been doing it longer.

That's when I stopped worrying about who I was going to be when I grew up, because I was already him.

(That said, the slowly-increasing list of joints that don't quite work properly is getting annoying.)

Let's face it - we may not magically become our parents - playing cribbage, reading the paper and doing crossword puzzles, but playing games on "consoles" and posting on message boards will eventually become the same sort of old people stuff that reading newspapers seems to be to our generation, until we are in the position of lamenting the loss of the things we valued when we were younger. While the landscape may look different than it did when we were young, the ground still shifts based on the culture of those younger than us.

Or maybe they did tell me, and I just wasn’t listening.

This is you telling people now; they may or may not be listening.

As long as we're trading platitudes, let me throw out "The danger is not in growing old, but rather in growing old without growing."

O.k. Guy's and gals, I'll break clean...kids, grandkids and 67...kid I be, kid I'll always be:)

That kind of revelation in this article, and the one Chumpy described, is why I like this community so much.

It pumped me up to learn that I wouldn't have to trade in the hobbies, games, and other stuff I love for things like intimate relationships, careers, and families. Compromise? Absolutely.

But it's great to see a bunch of older guys gettin' after it! For better or worse, many community members here are unwittingly serving as role models and mentors for a young Squee.

Donan wrote:

O.k. Guy's and gals, I'll break clean...kids, grandkids and 67...kid I be, kid I'll always be:)

OMG I lose again, I'm only 66 years young, well played Donan, if only I were just a little bit older.

Thing is, I feel young. Arguably, at a mere forty I am still young.

I remember being forty. Of course at this point, I'm closer to fifty. Still not giving up the Steam account though.

Team 1973, represent!

I will be 41 the last day of August and I can rightly say that I have the same thought processes as I did at 30, with some added life experiences and hopefully some wisdom tacked on for good measure.

Chumpy_McChump wrote:

(That said, the slowly-increasing list of joints that don't quite work properly is getting annoying.)

Which is only surpassed by the gray hairs that keep popping up in all sorts of odd places.

I'm pointing at you, earlobes!

VicD714 wrote:
Chumpy_McChump wrote:

(That said, the slowly-increasing list of joints that don't quite work properly is getting annoying.)

Which is only surpassed by the gray hairs that keep popping up in all sorts of odd places.

I'm pointing at you, earlobes!

I have this one eyebrow hair that seemingly keeps getting longer. I need to harvest that f*cker to wrap around my head when my hair finally goes.

imbiginjapan wrote:

Let's face it - we may not magically become our parents - playing cribbage, reading the paper and doing crossword puzzles, but playing games on "consoles" and posting on message boards will eventually become the same sort of old people stuff that reading newspapers seems to be to our generation, until we are in the position of lamenting the loss of the things we valued when we were younger. While the landscape may look different than it did when we were young, the ground still shifts based on the culture of those younger than us.

At the same time, I suddenly understand why so many things I thought were new, fresh, or amazing growing up just seemed like repetition to my old man. I had the revelation recently that Tumblr is basically just the new LiveJournal.

Elysium wrote:

In many of my most grand experiences in my life (and certainly aging is among them), I can find out the facts of what will happen before they come along, but rarely do I see someone come along and say, "This is what it might feel like. This is what you might think. This is what the human experience will be."

As a younger guy (approaching 30), constantly feeling the lack of having been told what the adult experience would be like, thanks (to you and the rest of the GWJ writers) for talking about it so regularly.

Dibs on Elysium's Steam account! Too soon?

Happy 40th!

I kinda like being a big kid.

I'm just going to +1 this and say that I feel happy and privileged to be part of the club. (Turned 40 last month.) Honestly, I feel much happier and healthier than I did at either 20 or 30. I like playing tabletop games with friends a generation older than me and playing M:TG with kids who weren't even alive when I paid cash for a beta Mox. I love watching my mom play improvised Pokemon or cribbage with her grandson and Rock Band with her granddaughter. Games are for everyone.

Here's to life just beginning.

imbiginjapan wrote:

Let's face it - we may not magically become our parents - playing cribbage, reading the paper and doing crossword puzzles, but playing games on "consoles" and posting on message boards will eventually become the same sort of old people stuff that reading newspapers seems to be to our generation, until we are in the position of lamenting the loss of the things we valued when we were younger. While the landscape may look different than it did when we were young, the ground still shifts based on the culture of those younger than us.

This. Generations should not be compared side-by-side.

Generations should not be compared side-by-side.

I still don't know if I'm Gen X or Y (it may vary with my mood?), but I'm pretty sure they're both better than Boomers at this point. Because politics, I guess?

But I like cribbage.......

wordsmythe wrote:
Generations should not be compared side-by-side.

I still don't know if I'm Gen X or Y (it may vary with my mood?), but I'm pretty sure they're both better than Boomers at this point. Because politics, I guess?

My brother basically falls in line with the whole Gen X crowd, but I have no idea where I fall. He claims his generation is responsible for Nirvana and states it as a proud thing, which sure, okay, and then blames my generation for Britney Spears.

I should tell him his generation is the reason why Metallica's Black Album became the number one influence on heavy metal in America and why it sucks now (even if the Black Album was alright).

All of you are just completely over-the-hill, except those of you who are just a bunch of dang kids. Anyone who is 44 years and 9 days old? You're just right.

I'm younger mentally than I was 10 years ago; I've more openly embraced the geekiness I used to hide. I'm going to die with a controller in my hands.

Yes, controller. CONSOLES 4 LIFE YO.

Not sure you got the URL right in that.

(Not that the Waits version is bad, mind you.)