A Few Too Many

INT. GABE's TAVERN - CRACK OF DAWN

STEVE is slumped over the rickety table in a corner booth. BARTENDER standing in aisle next to him, shaking his shoulder.

STEVE

Ugh. Ow, my head...”

BARTENDER

“You alright, buddy? Looks like you mighta had a little too much fun last night.”

STEVE actually manages to raise his head high enough to look at BARTENDER.

STEVE

“Yeah, I guess. I didn’t thi— wait, last night? Oh man, you aren’t the same guy who was behind the bar earlier. At least, uh, that I remember.”

BARTENDER

“Sorry pal, I’m the mornin’ shift guy. Looks like my compatriot might could’ve cut you off a bit earlier — maybe you’d have avoided that coaster-shaped imprint on your forehead, eh?”

STEVE

“Yeah...wait, what? Aw, that’s not going to go over well at the office. Oh, uh, speaking of, what time is it, exactly?”

BARTENDER heads behind bar, STEVE follows and takes a stool across from him. BARTENDER fiddles down in bar sink.

BARTENDER

“Almost seven. Here, buddy, lemme get you a glass of water.”

STEVE

“Thanks.”

BARTENDER

“How much did you put away last night, anyway?”

STEVE takes a sip, and dribbles a bit due to shaky hands.

STEVE

“Well, you know they were having a 'Clear Out the Cellar' sale last night, right? It’d been a pretty rough day at the office and I just needed to get away for a bit. And I came in here and saw the prices, and...well. I started with just a couple selections that looked appetizing — to take the edge off, y’know?”

BARTENDER gives STEVE a sardonic, knowing glance and begins to wipe the bar in front of him.

BARTENDER

“Right.”

STEVE

“...but then a few buddies dropped in and all three of them ordered something else that they claimed was really great, and tastes even better with four people, so I tried that too. Well, I think there were multiple something elses, actually. It’s a bit fuzzy.”

BARTENDER

“Any idea how many?”

STEVE

“Not a clue. Anyway, after that your night manager — who is very persuasive, mind you — started talking about how if I liked this so much then I should really try that one over there, and oh by the way it’s 66% off right now. Naturally I had to take him up on his generous offer.”

STEVE looks a bit abashed.

BARTENDER

“Naturally.”

STEVE

“So by that point I was feeling really good. My buddies and I started buying rounds for each other, stuff we thought the other would enjoy. You know how that goes.”

BARTENDER reaches to backbar and grabs a basket.

BARTENDER

“Can’t s’pose I can deny that. Here, have some pretzels.”

STEVE

“Thanks. Where was I?”

BARTENDER

“You and your friends were buying rounds for each other.”

STEVE

“Oh yeah, that’s right. So I think at that point they packed it in for the night. At least, I don’t remember seeing them after that. But this really dynamite brunette came in, with an irresistable ponytail and this cute little backpack. I definitely bought her a round. Maybe two. Maybe — hell, I don’t even know how many.”

STEVE looks fixedly at a point floating in the center of his glass of water, blushing.

BARTENDER

“I think I know the one you’re talkin’ about. Seen her here myself a time or two.”

STEVE

“Yeah, so you get what I’m saying, right? I guess now, in the morning light, it seems like she just played me. Whatever. It’s probably not something I’m ever going to think about later on, right? Anyway, then...um...gets kinda fuzzy.”

BARTENDER

“Well, while you’re thinkin’ about what happened next, I’ll just ring up your tab. I’m guessin’ you didn’t settle the bill last night?”

STEVE

“I...don’t think so, no. It, ah...can’t be that bad, right? I mean, everything was really cheap.”

BARTENDER turns to register and pulls out a rather long slip of paper.

BARTENDER

“Well, that’s true, but these kinda things have a way of sneakin’ up on you if you aren’t too careful. Lessee: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Hmm...”

STEVE

“Hmm? Is that like when a doctor says ‘Hmm’?”

BARTENDER

“Buddy, did you buy a round for the house last night?”

STEVE

“Well...maybe? Now that you mention it, that does sound vaguely familiar. There were some pretty cheap selections on the menu, and I could have seen myself doing something like that after...yeah...”

BARTENDER continues to scan down the tab-slip.

BARTENDER

“I reckon you did, then. Looks like you got a whole keg on your tab.”

STEVE

“A whole keg?! Just how many people were here last night?”

BARTENDER

“Don’t get too worked up just yet, buddy. Looks like it was only a pony keg, so maybe the damage won’t be that bad.”

STEVE

“Yeah, maybe...still, a whole keg? This is not gonna look good on my credit card...”

BARTENDER puts tab-slip on the bar in front of STEVE. STEVE starts patting pockets, looking for his wallet.

BARTENDER

“Don't feel too bad; you aren’t the first to do this. We sell a lot of these kegs.”

STEVE

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

BARTENDER

“Dunno, pal. Just lettin’ you know.”

STEVE

“What exactly is so special about a pony keg that you sell so many, anyway?”

STEVE

“Well this one...it sparkles.”

Comments

Big thanks to momgamer for encoding this in HTML so that it looks all scriptey and for the stage direction.

*clap clap*

Haha, quite enjoyed that. Well done!

Heh, I had a feeling of the direction it was going, but the end still caught me by surprise.

I liked it.

I have the same problem. At the end of the day/week/month/year, it all adds up, and I resolutely shake my head saying "nooo, impossible! there's no way it could amount to that much!"
Is there some sort of meeting I should attend? ^_^

Also, the timing is perfect, what with the Thanksgiving steam sale...

Well done Min. That was a fun read. I was hoping the pony keg was going where it did

Is there something about a sparkling pony keg that I may be missing?

Awesome!

FYI, the pony keg is a reference to "Secret of the Magic Crystals"

Schrensky wrote:

Is there something about a sparkling pony keg that I may be missing?

Something about a game called Sparkle Ponies or something that everyone was gifting each other as a joke a while back.

Schrensky wrote:

Is there something about a sparkling pony keg that I may be missing?

Sparkle Ponies

For those who are curious to see if they caught all the references:

Spoiler:
  • Starts with the pricing, that's obvious
  • The friends and 4-pack sales, and peer pressure to buy the same games as your friends (plus steam's "friends bought this" notifications)
  • The bartender is steam's in-house recommendations, similar to Amazon's "people who bought X also bought Y"
  • Then there is the back-and-forth gifting between friends; this person gifted me X so I returned the favor with Y
  • Obvious Tomb Raider reference, with a more subtle reference of how many of the games we buy during steam sales may never actually get played because the pile grows so large during the sales
  • The day of reckoning when the months' credit card bill comes, and the surprise at seeing the nickels and dimes totaled up from so many low dollar purchases
  • buying a round for the house (e.g. every goodjer on steam) and the sparkle pony keg is the ringer, of course

You're very welcome, Minarchist. It was fun. I haven't had a chance to do any raw layout like that in a long while and I think I'd forgotten how much I enjoy it.

Well then, now that the spoiler guide is up, it's even more amusing

Good one

I haven't yet gone in on a group purchase like you speak of, but I certainly emerged from last year's December Steam sale with the feeling that I had woken up from a huge bender.

Oh, the shame.

That was a mighty fine read, especially in the aftermath of Black Friday and Steam for many.

Slow clap. Well done.

What's this bar story doing on this site? No, wait...ah, relevance! I pity the teatotalers this week.

I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about. Nothing even remotely like this has ever happened on this web site, Lord knows.

I think GWJ is just a cover for a huge group of enablers

The first thing I thought of with the persuasive barman is "Minarchist".

spider_j wrote:

The first thing I thought of with the persuasive barman is "Minarchist".

I have been on both sides of the mahogany, for sure.

Minarchist wrote:
spider_j wrote:

The first thing I thought of with the persuasive barman is "Minarchist".

I have been on both sides of the mahogany, for sure.

That's what I hear...

I actually came out of this one a bit thirsty. My cup stayed empty the whole night.

Awesome.

Thankfully each sale is less and less, as the pile gets so huge. But this story definitely describes last Christmas sale, when the gifting really began in earnest, and the Ponies...

*clap* *clap*
I recognize that brunette with the ponytail.
Somehow, I now own every Tomb Raider game except the handheld and mobile ones.
GOG filled in the the pre-AoD ones, and I have Guardian of Light and the modern ones from Steam and technically I think I still have the AoD disc around somewhere.
I decided that since I got all of them, I'll play them in order. When I get around to them and all the others, that is, except maybe Angel of Darkness, if I can't find the CD, oh well. I have a Zone of the Enders HD collection to play.
I really hope we don't have to wait until the next next Metal Gear game demo before ZoE3.

Superb! And so very true, every time I check my account I keep spotting more and more entries that I'd forgotten I even purchased. This little lot will no doubt keep me going until the new year sale!

Everyone just keep this in mind when the Christmas sale starts.

T-minus, what, 13 days and counting?

Got your hangover remedy picked out?

I'll be abstaining from this Christmas sale. I'll make no purchases, and all gifts will be declined. I learned my lesson after the last bender or two.

ClockworkHouse wrote:

I'll be abstaining from this Christmas sale. I'll make no purchases, and all gifts will be declined. I learned my lesson after the last bender or two. :P