Who Are You?

For a while now, I’ve been going down the management career path in that elaborate Sims game called “Real Life.” Recently I had the pleasure of applying for and receiving a promotion. Going through the interview process, it was absolutely critical to be simultaneously the most confident person in the room and the most humble. To accomplish this I had to build an artificial image of who I am, and then right before the interview step into that skin — the skin of a person far more talented than I feel I am — and pretend to be the guy who can Get it Done.

And then, once the interviews were done and the decision made, I had to come to terms with the fact that the person inside that GiD skin is still me. Just me. Same old me that did that thing I did before. Only now, everyone is waiting for me to live up to who I said I was, which, let’s be honest, isn’t necessarily easy.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m extremely excited about my new work. Energized daily by the things I hope myself and my team of 40 talented professionals can accomplish. I’m frequently awoken in the middle of the night by a buzz rattling through my body that just wants me to hop up and do … something! But I’m also keenly aware of my limitations, and every now and again, right before an important meeting or discussion with a colleague, I worry that they’re going to find me out. “Hey,” they will say, “you’re not ‘Get it Done’ skin guy; you’re just Sean.” And, they will be right.

Which is why I don’t play games like Demon’s Souls.

Wait! Don’t go. Let me ‘splain.

I have a healthy respect for those who can still find relaxation by being tasked and taxed. I hear people who really love deep and complex strategy games talk about diving in for weeks without even getting close to winning a game in a traditional way. They talk about the small victories, the long slogging march through hell, and how the strife of the journey alone is the prize. And, honestly, I don’t know what the hell they are talking about.

I play video games because that’s one of the easiest ways to create my artificial skin, whatever it is that thing is supposed to be. And GiD guy exists in video games perhaps more clearly than he exists anywhere else. He’s the guy who cleaned up the last seven players in a Counter Strike match. He’s the guy who plays The Who songs on drums at the Expert level in Rock Band. He’s the guy who totally pwns Bronze Leaguers in StarCraft 2. And, yes, all of these accomplishments, such as they are, are totally meaningless constructions of imaginary artifice.

That’s appropriate, because GiD guy is made of the same stuff.

But, because I’ve cultivated this gamer identity, I also can’t learn to enjoy a game where the victory is in losing slightly better than before. After all, I’m playing games as much for a sense of individual empowerment as for anything else. I want to feel good about my accomplishments for the majority of time I’m playing. It feels unhealthy.

The problem is it’s hard to stop being GiD guy. When I am at rest, at play even, I want to still be that guy.

This is part of the reason I loved Portal. Portal makes me feel like the smartest person on the planet. It’s not that Portal is never challenging, but it’s just challenging enough, and even then only briefly and never for too long. Playing Portal, I never have the sense that I might just encounter the unsolvable problem that leads to a shame-filled, slinking, hang-dog, sad-Charlie Brown-music walk to the computer for a GameFAQs check. I get more than enough unsolvable problems everywhere else in my day, thank you very much.

“Yes,” you may say, “but don’t you understand that the ego-inflating vectors of a game like Portal are wholly artificial? They are designed to not be too hard, to make you feel disproportionately smart, to be an illusion of achievement and hollow reinforcement for ultimately having a developer grab your face and turn it toward the answer.” This is a good point. Thank you for describing how I’d like most future game designers to design games for me.

For some of you, I know this is the fork in the road where we must accept that we cannot travel together, that our own personal brands of emotional dysfunction are incompatible. We will shake hands and never look back — you imagining me being carried by sneering imps as my face goes slack, my expression deadens and a thin trickle of saliva escapes from the corner of my mouth as my brain dissolves; me imagining you running pointlessly into wall after wall until finally, bloodied and broken, you are forced to admit that none of it means anything after all.

Come, my imps. GiD guy’s feet are tired.

Comments

I feel what this article is saying, and I use that feeling to kick my own butt enough that I make a point of also playing the harder things. As others have responded, it does depend on timing, and I frequently will stop playing something that is frustratingly hard in favour of something that will make me feel better about myself without the need to "be excellent", or in other words, deserve it.

I think the real point is to be aware of what you are doing and why; feel like h0t sh1t for playing portal all you want, as long as deep down, you can accept the value of the feeling.

beeporama wrote:

I've long thought the same way as MadcapLaugher and Coldstream. I used to be the guy who beat Ninja Gaiden and Mega Man games on the NES, or poured hours into Civ II, when my job was fairly unchallenging. Depending on what my job and life currently throw at me, I find myself looking for varying levels of physical and mental challenge, so sometimes I'm up for Bayonetta and others I just want to mindlessly hit "attack" over and over in a turn-based RPG.

I think evolution has hardwired us to seek challenge, to a certain level.

That's weird, but I often find that I want more challenge when I'm stressed at work. I want the distraction from those problems.

Dakuna wrote:

As others have responded, it does depend on timing, and I frequently will stop playing something that is frustratingly hard in favour of something that will make me feel better about myself without the need to "be excellent", or in other words, deserve it.

It's weird for me when people talk about whether they "deserve" to feel better about themselves.

Playing Portal 2 was one of my most fun game experiences last year, but because it isn't very challenging (and I do agree that it's not), I don't really "deserve" that fun experience?

But if I played Demon's Souls, I would "deserve" to have fun? Because Demon's Souls requires precision button pushing and tactical battle strategy, neither of which are skills I have any interest in cultivating?

One of Jane McGonigle's key points in her excellent book Reality is Broken is that games do a better job than "reality" of putting is in that state of optimal achievement that well-designed games like Portal do.

So, newly promoted GiD guy, your new quest is to use your knowledge of games to combine challenges and rewards and keep your team of 40 in that high achieving zone that makes them feel like geniuses and be genuinely excited to meet new challenges.

To truly GiD in Demon's Souls, you have to stop thinking about G'ing iD. That's the magic of it. The more patient you become, the easier it gets -- like golf. Just imagine Chevy Chase from Caddyshack whispering in your ear as you play, and momentarily shed your need to make progress every hour on the hour.

Golf isn't a great game because it's difficult. It's a great game because it forces you to ignore your goal, ignore your score, ignore the part of you that needs to succeed. None of that could exist without the difficulty, of course.

HockeyJohnston wrote:

To truly GiD in Demon's Souls, you have to stop thinking about G'ing iD. That's the magic of it. The more patient you become, the easier it gets -- like golf. Just imagine Chevy Chase from Caddyshack whispering in your ear as you play, and momentarily shed your need to make progress every hour on the hour.

That pretty much sums up improvement in any skill based activity. Brute force rarely yields the best results while patience and learning does. There's no magic to it.

Edit: Having something be more difficult helps make the gap in results greater.

The challenge of the Souls games is vastly blown out of proportion. I'm terrible, I mean TERRIBLE at playing video games. I am one of the least skilled video game players ever, and have been since I started playing them about 30 years ago; I don't think I've ever had a single head-shot in any multiplayer FPS game. The only game I ever go really, really good at is Street Fighter, but it took me months of practice and a lot of money.

However, I've beaten both Souls games numerous times. Why? Because they are so much fun. I'm not sure why people focus on how hard they are, when really it is because they are so much pure fun that makes them, well, fun to play.

They are also games of minute success stories. Rather than trying to accomplish some big epic thing, each little conflict becomes important, and each successful sword swing is epically rewarding.

This applies to me so, so very much.

ccesarano wrote:

Not quite. Demon's and Dark Souls don't have Easy or Normal settings that challenge adequately but are still passable. There's a beginner level to Rock Band and Guitar Hero that is challenging, but also easy enough that you can pick up on the basics.

Demon's and Dark Souls build in difficulty over time, but they still start at the deep end of the pool. You don't get a life vest or them swimmy-things for your arms to learn. They just shove you in and say "swim".

True, but GiD guy isn't bragging about beating 'Say it Ain't So' on easy, but rather playing the Who songs on Expert, a task that can definitely be taxing, perhaps especially if you started from beginner levels.

Really, all I'm saying is that attaining the capability of playing Who on drums is more of a 'real' accomplishment than the given Portal example, which Sean presents as almost a half real, half illusory challenge. If you made it from beginner to expert on drums in Rock Band, there's not too much illusion there. You really worked and overcame something.

Of course, the 'convincing you that you're a rock star just because you did so' illusion still remains..

Demyx wrote:

But there are also different sorts of challenge and different sorts of patience I have for them.

My feeling on the matter is if I know HOW to do something, I should be able to pass it in a couple of tries. So Portal is much better than Demon's Souls as a game for me. It helps that if the game's main challenge comes in figuring out how to do something, and I really do hit a brick wall I can usually look it up. Skill based challenge has no such recourse.

Heh, as possible support of the ‘seek out in your hobby the opposite of what you find in your career’ hypothesis, I find I seek exactly the opposite of this in my gaming. As a consummate multi-tasker of whom knowledge of countless systems and procedures is expected at the office,and who is constantly being presented with new ones to learn, I find that when I game, I don’t want to spend a lot of time learning how something must be done, (Including learning complicated controls and such) Just tell me what to do, point me in a direction, and let me execute! So games like Trials are perfect for me.

[quote:Demyx]It's weird for me when people talk about whether they "deserve" to feel better about themselves.

Playing Portal 2 was one of my most fun game experiences last year, but because it isn't very challenging (and I do agree that it's not), I don't really "deserve" that fun experience?

But if I played Demon's Souls, I would "deserve" to have fun? Because Demon's Souls requires precision button pushing and tactical battle strategy, neither of which are skills I have any interest in cultivating?[/quote]

I don't mean you can't have fun at it, but you don't really deserve to feel like a bad ass for doing well at something that takes little skill or smarts.

I have fun at many things that require no skill!

Well said, Sean. This clicks with about five things that are going on in my personal and professional life lately and it's nice to read it so well put.

Dakuna wrote:

I don't mean you can't have fun at it, but you don't really deserve to feel like a bad ass for doing well at something that takes little skill or smarts.

I have fun at many things that require no skill!

I get what you're saying, but if I'm not bragging obnoxiously about my "accomplishments" or anything like that, is really anyone's business if I feel like a badass playing a simple game?

In fact, I'd even argue the opposite. Games are something I play for stress relief and escapism -- I actually like games that make me feel badass with little effort!

There's certainly plenty of room in the space for games with all levels of challenge.

Really, all I'm saying is that attaining the capability of playing Who on drums is more of a 'real' accomplishment than the given Portal example, which Sean presents as almost a half real, half illusory challenge. If you made it from beginner to expert on drums in Rock Band, there's not too much illusion there. You really worked and overcame something.

True, but the difference is that when you start playing a game like Rock Band, you can feel success and rock star status regardless of the complexity level. I became an Expert at drums not because I was trying to be one, but just because the game always rewarded me for where I was at regardless of where that was, and as a result I happened to play it enough. Had Rock Band sat me down on day one and said, OK, we're going to do this thing at Expert from the start, and you're going to fail a lot but you'll get there if you keep trying, I would have thrown it into the sun.

Great read Sean.

I feel like my gaming habits have changed over the years due largely to the amount of stress and challenge I have in my real life.

I find that I don't seek out the hard core challenging games anymore because my gaming time is limited and I have a ton of real life stress. Part of me laments not being able to sink a ton of time to master a game like Demon Souls.

Thankfully, games today are so diverse that there are choices for such a wide spectrum of gamer.

It sounds like your point of view resonates with a lot of people here. I'm also a person who tends to let my gaming tastes balance out whatever else is going on in my life. Normally, I love deeper games of various types but if I'm really busy or stressed out the most involved thing I can get into is something like Puzzle Quest or Plants vs. Zombies.

Great post! I think as we all get older and progress through our careers, it's only natural that we also change as persons and develop different viewpoints on why we are playing games.

On a fundamental level I still love games like Mass Effect etc since they let me escape reality for a while, or rather, enrich reality with a totally different experience. I was never really looking to be challenges per se, but nowadays I seriously don't have the time nor inclination to actually "train" for a game in any sense of the word. I just want the experience and atmosphere.

HockeyJohnston wrote:

To truly GiD in Demon's Souls, you have to stop thinking about G'ing iD. That's the magic of it. The more patient you become, the easier it gets -- like golf. Just imagine Chevy Chase from Caddyshack whispering in your ear as you play, and momentarily shed your need to make progress every hour on the hour.

Nananananananaananananaanananaananananananananana...

Completely agree with PaladinTom! I prefer my games to be fun. I don't like it when my games make me feel stressed out. Real life does a perfectly fine job of that all by itself. I do like some challenge but when that challenge becomes frustration is when it breaks down for me. However, after listening to numerous podcasts on the subject of Dark Souls I have to admit some curiosity for the title. Nay, disbelief! I want to see for myself if the game is as soul-crushingly difficult as everyone says. At the same time I know I'll only end up angry with myself when I fail miserably at this game. I wholeheartedly respect other people's choice to play the more demanding games.

Elysium wrote:
Really, all I'm saying is that attaining the capability of playing Who on drums is more of a 'real' accomplishment than the given Portal example, which Sean presents as almost a half real, half illusory challenge. If you made it from beginner to expert on drums in Rock Band, there's not too much illusion there. You really worked and overcame something.

True, but the difference is that when you start playing a game like Rock Band, you can feel success and rock star status regardless of the complexity level. I became an Expert at drums not because I was trying to be one, but just because the game always rewarded me for where I was at regardless of where that was, and as a result I happened to play it enough. Had Rock Band sat me down on day one and said, OK, we're going to do this thing at Expert from the start, and you're going to fail a lot but you'll get there if you keep trying, I would have thrown it into the sun.

Why, these are insights I need to take to heart!

All too often I forfeit a challenge for its overwhelming scope and my relentless self-criticism. I should disguise such ordeals as games, set out intermittent goals and devise reasonable rewards for each level I clear. That way, I really could Get it Done! Gradually, perhaps, but nonetheless.