Greener Grass

When I was a little boy, I recall imagining the magical, amazing world that would unlock to me upon maturing to adulthood. When I reached the age of adulthood, I imagined that the depths of my depravity would know no bounds. I would eat ice cream and pizza for every meal, sit at whatever proximity to the television suited my mood at the moment and aggressively buy out every toy aisle in every grocery store in the city. Obviously my capacity for understanding depravity has matured in the intervening years, but unfortunately so has my capacity for self restraint.

I admit that there is still some deep element in my soul that secretly longs to absolutely lose a single day in service to the lost desires of my nine-year-old self. To wake in the morning, watch cartoons for a few hours, rush to the store and buy a quorum of action figures to wage some massive imaginary war across a backyard landscape and then indulge in a Happy Meal for dinner as I stay up way past my bedtime playing video games.

The tragic truth is that even were I to budget both time and dollars to this goal, I would likely get up in the morning, recall some pressing piece of adulthood business that needed to be done and lose myself watching afternoon SportsCenter while I checked work e-mails. I am Sean’s murdered and disemboweled inner child.

My wife leaves me every so often. Not in any permanent or legally binding way, mind you, she simply packs herself and the kids into the flying cylindrical torture chambers offered by major airlines, and flies off to see her parents on the gulf coast. On many of these occasions, my schedule simply can not accommodate this kind of jet-setter gallivanting, and so I am left alone in my house with free control of the television and dining choices.

Now, it is important here that I be delicate about my feelings on this kind of event, as marital harmony and limb preservation are important agenda items that I feel strongly about. So, allow me to put it this way -- when my wife and children leave it extends to me opportunities in my daily life that are not normally available, such as walking through the door on a Monday afternoon with a six pack Coronas under one arm and a rented copy of Halo: Reach under the other.

In the days leading up to my family’s departure, somehow I slouch through the despairing ennui of knowing that I will be without the constant, often boisterous companionship of this family that I treasure, I somehow keep strong my spirit with the imaginings of how many video games will be played, how much football will be watched, how much sitting on the couch will be done and how much junk food loaded with saturated fats and sodium overload will be consumed. Somehow I drown my sorrows of loneliness in the transient pleasures of the digital and digestable.

Yet, when those fateful days finally arrived, my opportunity to engage in marathon gaming sessions punctuated only by long draws from long neck bottles, my enthusiasm for actually living this bachelor’s life evaporates. Even as I sit there pondering the strangeness of it, I live my few days alone pretty much the same way that I live every other day. Oh, there is some video game playing, but mostly just an hour here or there until some other task bubbles to prominence in my desire queue, and I go otherwise about the business of ordinary life.

Just as had been the case as a small child, the life I lived in my head was far more dramatic than the actual. And, the thing is, that within only a few hours I really did miss that havoc that man may only know in the presence of toddlers and eager children. Even as I watched hours of television without once having to herd bodies out of my line of sight or field desperate requests for milk, snacks, playtime, ponies or further clarification on the deconstruction of Newtonian physics within the event horizon of Galactic Center Black Holes, I missed it.

The secret, the terrible truth that I hate to even admit and write, is that the late night hour or so of gaming I wedge into the density of my life is made all the better because it is so hard earned. Fortunately within just a few months I will lose the maps through all the neural pathways that connect the dots to this epiphany, and I will get to learn it all over again.

Comments

The secret, the terrible truth that I hate to even admit and write, is that the late night hour or so of gaming I wedge into the density of my life is made all the better because it is so hard earned.

I learned this myself, recently, when my wife and son were out of town for a few weeks. I indulged in some long gaming sessions while they were gone, but I found that these sessions usually left me with a headache and a vague sense of dissatisfaction. I took less pleasure in those times than I take from the hour or so I play each night or every couple nights after I've put my son to bed. Those isolated hours feel like treats, like a slice of birthday cake when you're eight that's so much better because you didn't have cake every day leading up to it.

You're doing it wrong.

I'm a tenure-track professor - that is, I have to work pretty hard for a few years in order to score a permanent position, but during the summers I set my own schedule. I've not taken a proper vacation in a couple of years, but I've found a trick to greatly improving my mood and productivity.

A couple of days a year, I announce (sometimes with very little notice) that I'm taking a vacation day, usually in the middle of the week. The wifely unit is usually supportive, and takes on the bulk of the child-rearing duties. Then I go and let myself get BORED for a day.

Go to the library. Find a book that serves me no purpose to read. Sit and drink coffee at a local shop and read a magazine. Buy a sandwich eat it in the park. Go home, and play a game for a couple of hours while the kid naps - but very importantly accomplish no goals and play with no other people.

The boredom is the important thing we miss from childhood - it's what made those purchased distractions so sweet. Mental heath days are days to relax, not to binge.

And then of course change your mind and throw out the plan. That's an important part of the plan.

ClockworkHouse wrote:
The secret, the terrible truth that I hate to even admit and write, is that the late night hour or so of gaming I wedge into the density of my life is made all the better because it is so hard earned.

I learned this myself, recently, when my wife and son were out of town for a few weeks. I indulged in some long gaming sessions while they were gone, but I found that these sessions usually left me with a headache and a vague sense of dissatisfaction. I took less pleasure in those times than I take from the hour or so I play each night or every couple nights after I've put my son to bed. Those isolated hours feel like treats, like a slice of birthday cake when you're eight that's so much better because you didn't have cake every day leading up to it.

It really kind of replicates gaming as a kid, but back then we were limited by technology and not being able to buy anything. Now, we're limited by actually having a life.

Kinda makes me reflect on putting limits on children's gaming time. I wonder how many people who played games constantly as a kid kept doing it as they get older? I know a ton of people who say "I used to play games in college but then my grades slipped and I don't play games anymore". Without constraint of some type, gaming just isn't as fun.

Huh. For about 2-3 years I had every other Friday off while my wife was working. I managed to waste those Fridays quite well and avoid doing productive work. Monday through Friday was the workweek and the time not spent working was for relaxation. Saturday and Sunday were the weekend and the time for doing house chores with the wife. Over time though, my Fridays of slowly shifted to being more and more productive. I'd usually be lazy in the morning and watch TV / play games. Then around lunchtime I'd get that feeling of non-accomplishment. I needed to do something productive otherwise I felt like the day was wasted. Its pretty weird when you have to force yourself to have fun.
Even at 30 its still kinda weird to think of myself as an adult. That's still reserved for those people older than me.

When my partner goes on a trip, I usually end up having a great time and avoid that feeling of melancholy. For me, the disappointment is front-loaded. I hate the days leading up to her departure, and take steps to have consolations about me during her absence.

I am aided in this by our different tastes. While we enjoy many of the same movies and shows, I have a higher tolerance for the violent and profane. I love pizza with a passion that she can never truly know, and which she sometimes observes with near-horror. Since we usually end up going drink for drink, I end up not drinking very much because she calls it a night so much earlier.

But when she's gone? There is the melancholy half-hour in an empty apartment, and then there is the arrival of Quentin Tarantino via Netflix, a rum and Coke in a beer-stein the size of my forearm, and as much pizza as I could desire. And then, rather than lying awake in an empty bed contemplating mortality, I become an agent of mortality in Left 4 Dead, playing with friends from around the world.

Then again, I have no kids and a pleasingly small number of adult responsibilities. Perhaps one day I'll feel the way you do. But I enjoy a hiatus from sharing my life, and wallowing in childish selfishness, doing the things that I usually have the grace and consideration not to do.

markcov wrote:

Then around lunchtime I'd get that feeling of non-accomplishment. I needed to do something productive otherwise I felt like the day was wasted. Its pretty weird when you have to force yourself to have fun.

I know, isn't that the strangest feeling? I used to get so frustrated with my dad on Saturdays when I was a kid and he would harp on me for "wasting the day" either by sleeping in or playing video games. Yet, here I am, 20 years later, and if I sleep past 9:00 I'm kicking myself for the rest of the day, and if I'm on the computer for more than an hour-and-a-half, maybe two hours, I'm ready to move on to something else.

Great piece as usual, Mr. Sands.

The last time my wife was gone for a week, I was prepared to nerd it up. I made a batch of chili that was super spicy, stocked up on delicious brew, and Torchlight was freshly downloaded on my PC. I moved my gaming rig on to the big screen and started my decline into epic nerdiness. This lasted one night. I missed my wife shortly after, and 5 whole nights of games by myself just seemed to not feel balanced. Much like eating that same pot of chili all week, I was nourished, but I just didn't feel fantastic like I thought I was. Now, I don't have many crazy long gaming sessions, and if I do, it is only at my local nerd-a-thons with friends. Five or six guys all hanging out for one Friday or Saturday night is about all I can handle these days.

I just got back from being shipped to Albany, NY for three days for work. No kids, no wife, just me the laptop and relaxation when I wasn't working. Read some rule books, play some games on the (work) PC, eat the foods of choice.

Instead I spend the last night in Albany with a pizza, buffalo wings, and watching half the Rocky Horror episode of Glee.

The work PC didn't have what it takes to play something good, the iPhone games (which people rant about) didn't keep my interest, and the reading gaming rule books doesn't quite cover playing games with people.

Compare to being given an entire day to game at a batchelor party - and I slip out of the gaming party for a hour to visit a good friend that I haven't just talked to in a while.

Free time is precious, and spending large amounts of it alone just doesn't work for me at the age of 40. I agree that those stolen hours of video gaming late at night while the rest of the family sleeps are great because I already got to spend lots of time with family and/or friends. So an hour or two of solitary works well for me.

Thanks for the article.

I had a couple of weeks of man-stay-cation a couple of months ago - the wife went to visit her folks, and I didn't have enough time off from work to go with her.

There was a delightfully piquant duality to the experience. I loved the time alone, while simultaneously missing her. I did indulge myself, to a ridiculous extent. I set out to eat all the things that she's not fond of, drank way too much, and played a metric buttload of videogames.

It was superb.

But it was a holiday from real life, and like any good holiday, I was looking forward to 'getting home and sleeping in my own bed again'. Of course, I had been at my house, but with the missus gone, and sleeping alone in our bed, it didn't feel quite like home. I can only imagine that that feeling would be magnified a thousand-fold once we've got some sprogs of our own.

I do like to use my alone time to play Rock Band. My favorite song? Greener Grass and Higher Tides Forever.

GWS? Gamers with Spouses?

This article encapsulates a lot of my experiences too.

Nicely done.

Carl

Nathaniel wrote:

I'm a tenure-track professor

First off, I disbelieve the illusion. There's no such thing as tenure-track anymore.

Nathaniel wrote:

A couple of days a year, I announce (sometimes with very little notice) that I'm taking a vacation day, usually in the middle of the week. The wifely unit is usually supportive, and takes on the bulk of the child-rearing duties. Then I go and let myself get BORED for a day.

Go to the library. Find a book that serves me no purpose to read. Sit and drink coffee at a local shop and read a magazine. Buy a sandwich eat it in the park. Go home, and play a game for a couple of hours while the kid naps - but very importantly accomplish no goals and play with no other people.

The boredom is the important thing we miss from childhood - it's what made those purchased distractions so sweet. Mental heath days are days to relax, not to binge.

And then of course change your mind and throw out the plan. That's an important part of the plan.

While that doesn't sound boring to me (I'd call it very much in-line with my idea of bumming it for a day), I do almost miss boredom. I don't think I've felt bored in years. What used to be an occasion for boredom is now just another occasion for me to get anxious about having my time wasted.

Considering my own feeling and the comments here, I suspect that having children changes a man's ability for bachelor-style indulgence. I can only conjecture whether it trains you to be more responsible, or if they make the loneliness that much more stark, or if it is just a different type of man than those who choose childlessness.

You are doing it wrong! First off every man knows if you want to cut loose you can only reach epic proportions with the help of a few choice friends. This where the drunk LAN party comes into play.

The trick is to keep it small (4-6 people max)so you can relax and not worry about a friend going agro and punching a hole in the wall. First step is to pick the friends, I prefer to pick the happy drunks but 1 angry drunk is always fun entertainment.

Then the choice of entertainment, cards, computers, xbox's and then mix that with hard liquor. My personal favorite is still counter-strike with margaritas. Every time you die you take a sip, if your team looses the round everyone takes a sip, if the bomb goes off/defused (depending on side your on) everyone takes a sip, if you defuse/explode the bomb 3 times in a row you get to call weapon for next round, if you can not afford the called weapon you take 3 sips.

Play until everyone is puking their brains out, then after the recovery period you will go back to work and you will be ultra-productive and your boss will pat you on the head and he will say that he wishes he had more employees that are stable and hardworking like yourself. Little does he knows after a 1/5th of tequila you become a COUNTER-STRIKE GOD, all your shots are headshots, all your come backs and put downs are witty and everyone wants to be you.

None of this boredom stuff, I was to busy getting into trouble as kid to be bored.

Reading pieces like this one are why I sometimes miss being married. Ah, well...

Great stuff, as always!

carljetter wrote:

GWS? Gamers with Spouses?

More like GWF - Gamers with Families.

With a ~3 year old, plus another on the way, and no close family to help out, I really have to focus myself. I've cut way down on the hobbies, dropping many altogether.

What's interesting is that when I do find some extra or extensive gaming time, I find that the glut of gaming options leaves me paralyzed as I debate what to play. Longer games (ala Dragon Age) are much harder to maintain unless it is the one and only gaming focus I have for a long period of time. It's much easier to dive into a L4D session.

This kind of fits with the experience I had at Namco Station last week - I had filled my pockets with £20 worth of pound coins (an unimaginable sum when I was a youngster). Rather than indulge my childhood fantasies of throwing endless amounts of money into the arcade machine of my choice, I found myself thinking "nah, I'm done" after a couple of games. Despite the goading of the CONTINUE? countdown message.
Now that I can, I choose not to. Funny how that works.

HedgeWizard wrote:

What's interesting is that when I do find some extra or extensive gaming time, I find that the glut of gaming options leaves me paralyzed as I debate what to play.

I know this paralysis well. Lately, with a 2-year-old in the house, my free gaming time has been hitting all time rock bottom lows. So when I do have a few hours to play, I start to build it up in my head to the point where I'm thinking, "This really has to COUNT - MUST PLAY SUPER-SPECIAL GAME!" And I get so flustered deciding what game is truly elevated on the pedestal of worthiness, that I just give up and end up digging holes in Minecraft, then falling in a lava pool and losing everything.

Brilliant and insightful as always. It's eerie reading the experiences in the story and the comments, noting that I could have written any one of them. You guys have really nailed the various game-stages of childhood, bachelorhood, early marriage, and parenthood. Is it because gaming is just a diversion, instead of fulfilling, productive work? Probably, though it might depend on the game. Surely the despondence that arises from too much time/opportunity to game surely isn't the same as having too much time to create/build/accomplish something. Then again, scarcity does increase the value of just about anything desirable.

Thought-provoking stuff. Thanks again, Sean and everyone!

wordsmythe wrote:

I do almost miss boredom. I don't think I've felt bored in years. What used to be an occasion for boredom is now just another occasion for me to get anxious about having my time wasted.

Right there with ya. Even when my wife and I have a DND (do nothing day) we end up getting fidgety and either watching Arrested Development or (in her case) making things. Just can't sit still.

The boredom topic is an interesting one. I definitely want to insure my children have opportunities to be bored growing up. I want them to navigate that situation. But I wonder more if it should be less about being bored, and more about being able to be still.

Given the modern world, there is little reason (and sometimes little opportunity) to be bored. But I think it's important to learn to be still and reflective; to learn patience.

For myself, I don't think I'll have the opportunity to be bored anytime soon, but I do need to be mindful and take time to do nothing.

I've got a wife, an infant, a toddler, a job, and a truly brutal commute. Fortunately, that job has a pretty flexible schedule.

I find that if I don't get about a day or so of no-person, do-nothing time every week, I start going bonkers. A good part of that may be me though. I'm not a misanthrope, but I've got a fairly low tolerance for extended contact with other people. They're psychologically exhausting.

Anyway, for me it takes about eight-ten hours of playing games, being on my own schedule, NOT INTERACTING WITH ANYBODY, before I get to the point where the urge to maybe do something productive hits.

Maybe this is actually about balance. As kids, we want to eat all the candy we can get out hands on. As adults, we know that overindulging just makes our treats unpleasant in short order. But we crave more balance between work and play than we get in out day-to-day, family and work-obligated lives.

HedgeWizard wrote:
carljetter wrote:

GWS? Gamers with Spouses?

More like GWF - Gamers with Families.

With a ~3 year old, plus another on the way, and no close family to help out, I really have to focus myself. I've cut way down on the hobbies, dropping many altogether.

What's interesting is that when I do find some extra or extensive gaming time, I find that the glut of gaming options leaves me paralyzed as I debate what to play. Longer games (ala Dragon Age) are much harder to maintain unless it is the one and only gaming focus I have for a long period of time. It's much easier to dive into a L4D session.

Absolutely this. I've got a 2.5 year old and a 1 year old, and my game time is usually from their bedtime until I fall asleep, controller in hand.

If I'm lucky, that's a couple of hours a night. It's harder on weekends as play fatigue sets in too (they are small, but man do they give you an intensive workout).

Hemi's "pile thread" helps me with my choices, but the 'big ones' (DA:O, ME2, FO3) are all waiting for some magical moment where time stands still, and everyone but me freezes for some quality playtime to commence.

I had a day to myself the other day, wife at work, and the kids in daycare. I did three loads of washing, emptied the dish washer, then started making dinner before walking down to daycare to pick up the kids. A gaming day wasted, but I enjoyed myself more somehow knowing that wifey would return from work happy, and the kids got to see Daddy sooner.

The gaming session that evening somehow seemed sweeter too. Funny how things change so much.

polq37 wrote:

I've got a wife, an infant, a toddler, a job, and a truly brutal commute. Fortunately, that job has a pretty flexible schedule.

I find that if I don't get about a day or so of no-person, do-nothing time every week, I start going bonkers. A good part of that may be me though. I'm not a misanthrope, but I've got a fairly low tolerance for extended contact with other people. They're psychologically exhausting.

Anyway, for me it takes about eight-ten hours of playing games, being on my own schedule, NOT INTERACTING WITH ANYBODY, before I get to the point where the urge to maybe do something productive hits.

Maybe this is actually about balance. As kids, we want to eat all the candy we can get out hands on. As adults, we know that overindulging just makes our treats unpleasant in short order. But we crave more balance between work and play than we get in out day-to-day, family and work-obligated lives.

I'm not in that hectic a family situation, but you sound a bit like me. Partly because I'm in the restaurant business I really need some time with no interaction whatsoever and gaming is really valuable to help that.

Unfortunately my previous relationship was with a woman who didn't understand that and she took my need to just zone out and shoot aliens in the face for a few hours on Sunday as a slight on her.

Rob Zacny wrote:

I am aided in this by our different tastes. While we enjoy many of the same movies and shows, I have a higher tolerance for the violent and profane. I love pizza with a passion that she can never truly know, and which she sometimes observes with near-horror.

Right there with you on both counts. Wife out of town is "pizza time" and horror movie time. Since we got cats a few months back it's not quite as "alone" without her either. I've got the little rascals to take care of, and share the bed with.

On the contrary when I'm out of town, as I am this weekend. I miss her and the cats even more, and the bed seems even emptier. Damn pets, invading their way into my daily life.

MrDeVil909 wrote:

Unfortunately my previous relationship was with a woman who didn't understand that and she took my need to just zone out and shoot aliens in the face for a few hours on Sunday as a slight on her.

RED FLAG! RED FLAG!

I had an ex who was the same. She had to go.

Wife understands that while she actively prefers to spend nearly every waking moment surrounded by hordes of friends, I need down-time alone. She's a keeper

wordsmythe wrote:
Nathaniel wrote:

I'm a tenure-track professor

First off, I disbelieve the illusion. There's no such thing as tenure-track anymore.

Of course there is. There just may not be such a thing as tenure.

HedgeWizard wrote:

What's interesting is that when I do find some extra or extensive gaming time, I find that the glut of gaming options leaves me paralyzed as I debate what to play.

This, a thousand times, is my problem.

I love games and will continue to play them as long as I still enjoy them. I cannot imagine giving up anything because it is not "what adults should do" as some might put it. Why give up something that brings you happiness? In fact, as soon as I get a house that is big enough, I think I will devote a corner of a room to a Lego city.

I had the benefit of having very, very wise parents.

When, as children, my siblings and I wondered about the wonders of having all the candy we could eat, my parents promptly bought us all the candy we could physically eat and did not put restrictions on our consumption whatsoever. This taught us two things:

1. Eating all the candy you can physically eat makes you feel really, really bad afterwards.
2. Having all the candy you want makes candy feel less special.

We once fantasized about having all the TV time we could possibly want. Parent response: no leisure activity BUT TV. It got old really, really fast.

For my part, I am fortunately self-aware about how much gaming I can tolerate. For Civ and Starcraft 2, I require a lot of game time at release, so I try to put aside enough time to accomodate it, but I never think that 100% game time is good. I already know how that feels like.

I suppose what I'm saying is that the best way to appreciate the grass you have at home is to just go on over the fence and really see how it is from the other side. Sometimes, the grass really is greener, but it's almost never as green as we imagine it to be.