Daily Elysium: That Other Guy Returns

Well, itÂ's been an eventful month as I've tackled the Herculean task of daily changing a metric ton of diapers, but now itÂ's time to get back down to the business of tossing about my unsolicited opinion across the ever prestigious internet.  Inspired by my son's innate ability to deliver mustardy crap like some scatological savant, I've decided to do practically the same on a metaphorical level.  Lucky you who gets to enjoy the fruits of my labor.  Further, while on sabbatical, vacation, walkabout, whatever, I received a great number of encouraging e-mails, many of which said things like: Â"˜youÂ're awesomeÂ', Â"˜we miss youÂ', and Â"˜youÂ're the smartest guy I knowÂ'. IÂ'd just like to say, thanks mom!

So, to herald my self aggrandized return, I thought IÂ'd review a bit of what I missed over the last month before ramping up to speed. And, a busy month it has indeed been with some great releases, some notable absences, and the ever titillating scandal. LetÂ's take a walk down short-term-memory-lane, shall we?

Half-Life 2

TheyÂ've just built a new Gamestop two blocks from my house. IÂ'm convinced this is good because I'll be able to save some money on gas when traveling to make impulse purchases. I figure IÂ'll offset the cost of games by the jump in property value IÂ'm sure to enjoy having a Gamestop so close to my house. Practically doubles the value of my home, I figure.

Anyway, I walk into this Gamestop a few weeks back, and say, "Well met, shopkeep. IÂ'd like to purchase a box of your finest Half-Life 2."

"Are you talking to me?" He asks coyly.

"Chop chop, proprietor. IÂ've not all day to spend in your emporium. Half-Life 2, please."

"Uh, yeah. Listen, that got delayed. Would you like to reserve a copy for just five Â"…"

"No no, my good man. YouÂ're certainly mistaken. I have personal assurances from Gabe Newell that Half-Life 2 is to be made available on September 30. IÂ'd have arrived sooner, but I just had a baby, you see, but that matters nought."

"Are you high?"

I was in fact not high, but clearly IÂ'd been duped. Half-Life 2 appeared nowhere in the store, and eventually when the police came I had to take seriously the possibility that the game had not been released. I rushed home to get the latest news from GWJ, as IÂ'm sure all sensible people do, only to discover that my beloved site was nowhere to be found.

Eventually it became clear that our own Pyro had written an article (transcribed to the website from its original Burnt Sienna crayon) which broke the news of the leaked Half-Life 2 Source Code. Then Slashdot, in linking our news, promptly broke our website. Like a bunny with a Buick strapped to its back, we crumbled under the weight of tens of thousands of hits searching for a warez link to said source code.  It reminded me strangely of how many hits we received by simply reporting news that a DOAX Beach Volleyball nude patch appeared to be making the rounds.  We're not that kind of site, guys.

Following the technical troubles with the site, Pyro contacted me immediately to tell me how cool he was and that he would not endure my scorn again. This edict was disproved by the end of the day.

And so, to make a short story long, Half-Life 2 was delayed.

Condition Zero

In other, vastly less important news, beleaguered cash-in game Counter-Strike Condition Zero was booted from yet another home like an arsonist foster child. Gamers, whoÂ've called out excitedly, "weÂ're already playing Counter-Strike" didnÂ't even bother to feign interest or surprise that the obviously flawed game idea is seeing such turmoil.

Let me get this straight, guys, itÂ's exactly like the counter-strike IÂ'm already playing pretty much for free, except the enemies arenÂ't as smart? I canÂ't fault the developers whoÂ've tackled this product and been unable to devise a compelling game – or thus I assume because it keeps getting kicked out of otherwise talented design houses. I imagine them sitting down, and suddenly realizing in a moment of caffeine induced epiphany how bad an idea Condition Zero is.

IÂ'll be happy to be proved wrong about this one, but if Condition Zero turns out to be any more than a cookie cutter shooter with an aging graphics engine IÂ'll be pretty surprised.

Romero Gets A Job

I know what youÂ're expecting, a litany of tired John Romero bashing.  Abusing John Romero is such an accepted past time that it should probably be an Olympic sport. But IÂ've not come here to bury Romero, but to praise him. Well, not praise him, but to at least give the guy a little credit.

Ok, I grant, when you blow it that big you deserve to sleep in the dog house for a year or two, but when it comes right down to it John Romero has never been anything but an enthusiastic gamer. And, he's certainly not the worst of the lot.  IÂ'm resisting the temptation to mention some of the more irritating developer blowhards out there, because it doesnÂ't seem like a Smart idea, and besides if you say their names three times they magically appear to remind you how edgy, independent, and great they are.  My point being, I think weÂ've pretty much exiled John Romero long enough, and itÂ's time to recall that for all his monumental errors, heÂ's still been a part of some fantastic games.

Midway might turn out to have pulled off a helluva coup picking up both Romero and Tom Hall – one of the most undercredited guys in gaming – at once.

N-Gage

I was going to say something about NokiaÂ's N-Gage.  Then I thought about the few K of bandwidth it would take for all of you to read it, and realized how that bandwith could be put toward a much better use, like taking a pot shot at Pyro writing his articles in crayon, which I did in a parenthetical aside earlier.

Gamecube Drops Price, Releases a Game

Certis recently reviewed a new game for the Gamecube, Viewtiful Joe. Both of these events, Certis penning a review and Nintendo releasing a new game in North America, are about as rare as the appointment of a new pope, so I thought they deserved special mention.

Ok, that was a cheap shot.  Fact is at $99 itÂ's hard to give the Gamecube a real hard of a time anymore. Yes, the releases arenÂ't as fast and furious as they are on other systems, but the quality is obviously still there. Even I have been tempted by the lower priced Gamecube, which IÂ've seen for sale as low as $79 used. Essentially, for the price of two rushed to market Xbox games, you can pick up an entire system.  A system, I hasten to point out, with exclusive games like Eternal Darkness, Zelda, Mario Sunshine, F-Zero, and Metroid Prime.

Say what you want about NintendoÂ's torpid release pace, or its dwindling support, but there are games to be played on the waning system that demand your attention.

I donÂ't, however, take back my cheap shot at Certis. He deserved it.

I think that pretty well catches me back up to speed, and disenfranchises me from all the right people again. ItÂ's nice to be back with you, GWJ.

- Elysium

Comments

I just sorta skimmed the article but I think you forgot the part where I was so good I crashed the site. Remember that? How I rocked out loud so hard that even "My Little Pony Weekly" linked to us? I just thought I'd remind you since you seem to be having trouble remembering how cool I am.

Other than that welcome back and get to work.

"I'm resisting the temptation to mention some of the more irritating developer blowhards out there, because it doesn't seem like a Smart idea, and besides if you say their names three times they magically appear to remind you how edgy, independent, and great they are."

Maxwell Smart

Maxwell Smart

Maxwell Smart

Do I get a shoe-phone too?

>>>I just sorta skimmed the article <<<

When did you learn to read?!

- Elysium

Hey, that was a great read! Welcome back! Er, well, it's your own site, so a "welcome back" sounds a bit strange... Um. Go away.

Then I thought about the few K of bandwidth it would take for all of you to read it, and realized how that bandwith could be put toward a much better use, like taking a pot shot at Pyro writing his articles in crayon, which I did in a parenthetical aside earlier.

Classic.

The bard hath returned, and his silver-tongued song doth soothe mine aching soul.

What say you my fellow GWJ compatriots?  Should not all further reviews by our restored captain of verse be written in the fashion of the noble Shakespeare, if only to send yon Certis into the throes of madness once more?  I can think of no circumstance to better lighten the burdens of my humorless workaday toil.

What?

 

While reading this in my head it went something like this.

Elysium: No no, my good man. You're certainly mistaken. I have personal assurances from Gabe Newell that Half-Life 2 is to be made available on September 30. I'd have arrived sooner, but I just had a baby, you see, but that matters nought.

Gamestop Clerk: Are you high?

Elysium (thinking to himself): How long could I maintain? I wondered. How long until I start raving and jabbering at this boy? What will he think then? This same lonely desert was the last known home of the Manson family; will he make that grim connection when my attorney starts screaming about bats and huge manta rays coming down on the car? If so, well, I'll just have to cut his head off and bury him somewhere, 'cause it goes without saying that I can't turn him loose. He'd report me at once to some kind of outback Nazi law enforcement agency and they'll run us down like dogs. Jesus, did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?