(pictured above: Khalen Saunders -- 324-pound D-lineman and brother of one of Taylor Swift's backup dancer -- produced the drunkest moment of a Week 5 that was the NFL's version of The Hangover. Saunders hit 16 mph after making a one-handed end zone Thicc Pick and returning it 37 yards.)
OK, Week 5. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. This week might have ended with a large man cosplaying as a running back, but it started with Kirk Cousins throwing for FIVE HUNDRED AND NINE YARDS. It's only the 25th time this has happened, and he joins a semi-exclusive club whose membership includes Ben Roethlisberger (who did it three times), Drew Brees (who did it twice), Tom Brady, Eli (but not Painting/Peyton) Manning, Joe Burrow, Derek Carr (the pride of Fresno State until Jake Haener goes on a heater), Matthew Stafford and a bunch of other fringe HOFers.
My favorite name on the list: Norm Van Brocklin of the LA Rams, who was the first to break the 500-yard barrier (in 1951) and 70+ years later still holds the record (554 yards, 27 yards better than both Warren Moon and Matt Schaub, who did it against the Jaguars, which totally tracks). The Dutchman torched the New York Yanks (who won just nine games in three seasons of existence) by going 27 for 41 with 5 TDs (four of them to Elroy “Crazylegs” Hirsch) and 2 INTs for a passer rating of 128.3. I found this account of the game published in 2010 and this video (skip to the 1-minute mark) for highlights from the game. My favorite fact: Van Brocklin was actually the Rams' backup QB. Which mean there's hope yet for Andy Dalton.
On to Week 6 (hic).
WEEK 6 SCHEDULE
A few spicy games, plus a Sunday morning contest, plus Legion having to get up super early to watch the Jags lose on a different continent = a great weekend of football.
Thursday
49ers at Seahawks (Prime)# ***
Sunday morning
Jaguars vs Bears in London, 930a (NFL)
Sunday early
Commanders at Ravens (CBS) ***
Cardinals at Packers (Fox) ***
Texans at Patriots (CBS)
Buccaneers at Saints (Fox)#
Browns at Eagles (Fox)
Colts at Titans (CBS)#
Sunday late
Chargers at Broncos (CBS)#
Steelers at Raiders (CBS)
Falcons at Panthers (Fox)# (negative 5 stars)
Lions at Cowboys (Fox) (GOTW) ****
Sunday night
Bengals at Giants (NBC)
Monday night
Bills at Jets (ESPN + ManningCast)#
Byes: Chiefs, Rams, Dolphins, Vikings
Coverage maps: Here on Wednesday afternoon
I can't figure out whether or not the Ravens defense is "F" for figuring it out or "F" for fraudulent. We will "F" for find out this coming Sunday.
Robert Saleh removed play-calling duties from Nathaniel Hackett, before being fired:
In the coming days, more details surely will emerge regarding the day Jets owner/Ambassador Woody Johnson fired coach Robert Saleh. Here’s one of which we’ve caught wind, based on communications with multiple sources.At a meeting on Tuesday morning, Saleh informed the coaching staff that passing game coordinator Todd Downing would become the game-day play-caller, with offensive coordinator Nathaniel Hackett demoted. Hackett wasn’t being fired in the classic sense, but it was going to be his decision to whether he stayed.
Then, after the meeting, Saleh found out he was being fired in the classic sense.
It’s unclear whether the timing is coincidental or connected. Regardless, Hackett was out as play-caller — and then Saleh was out as coach.
If nothing else, the circumstances will make Wednesday’s appearance by quarterback Aaron Rodgers on Pat McAfee’s show even more compelling. What did he know? When did he know it? And did he find out Hackett (Rodgers’s good friend) was out as play-caller in the window between the staff meeting and Saleh’s firing?
I'm 100% convinced Rodgers found out Hackett was at risk, and Rodgers ran upstairs to ownership, then after performing the secret klan handshake with Woody, he pressed Woody to fire Saleh.
It could have happened in a matter of minutes!
With Derek Carr's injury, there's rumbling it's not Jake Haener from SOME SCHOOL, but could be Spencer Rattler as the replacement starter.
If we don't get a few more warm bodies off the injury report by Sunday, Rattler might throw for 500 in his first game.
With Derek Carr's injury, there's rumbling it's not Jake Haener from SOME SCHOOL, but could be Spencer Rattler as the replacement starter.
Spencer Rattler is a douchebag scrub. Haener's the better player.
Has anyone told Qaaron where Woody's money came from?
If I have to watch crappy TNF, I hope it's the crappy version where the Niners are up 30 points and we're all bored.
Given how the SEA defense looked last week, that seems like a very likely scenario.
Thursday is must-win for the 49ers. They've already dropped 2 division games. Beat Seattle and they'll be at .500 and tied for the division lead. Lose and drop to 2-4 with Kansas City and Dallas as the next two games, and things start getting bleaker.
They're just trying to survive their massive injury list at this point, and if they could stop losing games they had won, that would go a long way.
I'm already watching wall-to-wall horror this month; I don't need it bleeding over into football.
Now that Week 5 is in the books, I took a dive into the NFL stats and saw that Lamar Jackson is ninth among passers in yards, fourth among passers in passing TDs, fourth in passer rating, and fifth in QBR. That already puts him in elite territory even without talking about the fact that he is eighth among ball carriers in yards on the ground, but what really amazes me and is perhaps the most underreported story is that his most productive receiver, Zay Flowers, is the 32nd ranked pass catcher in the league. He is the ONLY top ten passer who is doing this without a top 20 receiving threat. No Nico Collins or Jamar Chase. Hell, not even a Garrett Wilson. He has no safety valve with a gigantic catch radius who can make contested catches. He has to take what the defense gives him. He is getting through progressions, reading defenses, extending plays, and beating folks with his mind.
As crazy as it may sound, Lamar Jackson may very well still be underrated.
And people talking about Mahomes for MVP just because his team hasn't lost. He's not top 5 in any metric unless you count most interceptions, but they rank him 55th there, counting least as good. 
And people talking about Mahomes for MVP just because his team hasn't lost. He's not top 5 in any metric unless you count most interceptions, but they rank him 55th there, counting least as good. ;)
Honestly, if you take away his ref help this year, he is very beatable this year particularly.
Jake Moody expected to miss "about a month".
Time to begin my 30 days of mourning.
I mean, you knew the Niners were destined for a year from hell once McCaffrey was on the Madden cover. And your first-round pic got shot.
I mean, you knew the Niners were destined for a year from hell once McCaffrey was on the Madden cover. And your first-round pic got shot.
CMC, Pearsall, Elijah Mitchell, Drake Jackson, Javon Hargrave, Jon Feliciano, Curtis Robinson, and Talanoa Hufanga (and still Greenlaw too) wasn't enough blood for the football gods? They had to take my Moody?
Deebo missed a couple too.
Honestly I'm just hoping Daniels survives against the Ravens.
I don't think I am being all that paranoid in worrying about a potential RG3 repeat.
We finally exorcised Snyder. Let keep on moving in the right direction...
Honestly I'm just hoping Daniels survives against the Ravens.
I don't think I am being all that paranoid in worrying about a potential RG3 repeat.We finally exorcised Snyder. Let keep on moving in the right direction...
The Ravens defense is just not good right now. He will be fine.
Panthers catching strays from every corner of the interwebs:
"You have to leave"
"YES PLEASE!"
Niners fans. Chill.
You are 10th in Offense DVOA. 5th in D.
Caleb rebounds in week 5 and picks up the pace again!
Niners fans. Chill.
You are 10th in Offense DVOA. 5th in D.
If the sorry excuse for a 'defense' that Seattle has been fielding lately shows up again tonight, I'm sure the resulting beatdown will calm everyone down.
If the sorry excuse for a 'defense' that Seattle has been fielding lately shows up again tonight, I'm sure the resulting beatdown will calm everyone down.
We have placed G Will Fries on IR and waived CB Dallis Flowers.
You might remember Dallis Flowers:
Cold world bruh.
MilkmanDanimal wrote:With Derek Carr's injury, there's rumbling it's not Jake Haener from SOME SCHOOL, but could be Spencer Rattler as the replacement starter.
Spencer Rattler is a douchebag scrub. Haener's the better player.
*Legion* wrote:MilkmanDanimal wrote:With Derek Carr's injury, there's rumbling it's not Jake Haener from SOME SCHOOL, but could be Spencer Rattler as the replacement starter.
Spencer Rattler is a douchebag scrub. Haener's the better player.
My prediction is that the sorry ass Eagles “defense” allows The Groper to throw for 350 and a couple TD’s.
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