Depression is ruining my life.

UMOarsman wrote:

Part that hurts the most is that we're still deeply in love with each other. I don't know why she did it and probably never really will, but it's been miserable. We've had a few cry it out sessions already and it makes it both better and far, far worse.

Hopefully that love will make the upcoming changes better, in whatever way they happen. At least you won't be knifing each other legally and financially. And given some time and thought, who knows what arrangement you'll come up with? I have friends who are very close with their ex-wives (and their families) and I'm sure I have friends who've made marital agreements that would surprise some of us. Do what works for the two of you, whatever it is.

Thanks for that, Natus. We're going to have to live together for a while anyway (for financial reasons) so it's nice to know that, at least at this stage, we can be warm towards each other. I needed to hear that bit about people being able to be close. I don't know it's a goal per-se, but it makes it easier to know what's possible.

My biggest two fears that run over and over in my head are never finding someone else and that first night alone in an empty place. Just murders me every time.

Just wanted to chime in to note that it holiday season which is a difficult time for many.
My wife and I have had so many family deaths during this time so it is hitting her really hard.

I have nothing to offer other than we wish every one here wellness, as much happiness as you can handle or muster, health and safety.

@UMOarsman - I know its not my right, but I am mad for you. Again, I don't know the complete story and circumstances, but your wife's actions sounds very childish and not what a responsible mother would do. It sounds like she is headed for a face plant because she doesn't realize she is using the foundation and stability you built together to pump up her libido. I'd gather whether the other guy promises to take care of her and your kids, that is a lot to throw on a new relationship. That is a big assumption he has the means or foresight to see 6 months down the road whether the situation is working out for him. Thus, leaving her stuck and risking your kids wellbeing.

Sorry if that is off the mark. I just don't understand why we have to add complications in horrible times?

UMOarsman wrote:

Thanks for that, Natus. We're going to have to live together for a while anyway (for financial reasons) so it's nice to know that, at least at this stage, we can be warm towards each other. I needed to hear that bit about people being able to be close. I don't know it's a goal per-se, but it makes it easier to know what's possible.

My biggest two fears that run over and over in my head are never finding someone else and that first night alone in an empty place. Just murders me every time.

YMMV. I was also in a situation where I needed to live with my ex after he asked for a divorce. for a while after he cheated, we tried to make it work, it didn't and we were both clearly unhappy, so a line was drawn in the sand. Even with the kindest intentions toward one another, that time between deciding on divorce and then actually separating was still probably the worst 8 months of my life for how that fundamentally changed my mental and physical health.

I'm of the mind that if it's over, it's over, and the wound needs to close to heal. Get that space to grieve and heal so that you won't have to accommodate your grief for her guilt whenever she's around. Or trying to hide frayed edges around kids and family because you have no where to go with it. Have a private space for you to do that really helps. The sooner you have the space to work through it the sooner you can rebuild a different relationship to her as someone in your life. This horrible feeling will not be forever, though when you're in the weeds it sure can feel like it.

Don't worry about finding someone else, right now. That's task for future-you when you've given yourself the time and grace to love and heal the current you first. Everyone else can radiate outward from there.

If you're worried about that first night alone...if you can get that internet set up, happy to do some multiplayer

DSGamer wrote:

I am curious who here has had success with SSRIs managing obsessive or ruminative thinking and anxiety. This is mostly what I struggle with and it’s been acute lately as work stress has really cranked up. So I’m seriously considering taking an SSRI for the first time.

DM or reply, whatever you’re comfortable with. I would just like to hear some success stories, because I’m feeling a bit hopeless.

I don't have experience with SSRIs, because I am irrationally terrified of them. I do have a lifetime's experience with obsessive, ruminative thinking and anxiety, though. Yay me.

What has given me great and surprising relief is writing. Nothing structured. Take a blank piece of paper and start writing. Stream of consciousness - just write about what's bothering you and how you're feeling, and let the words flow from there. Getting those thoughts out of your head and onto paper is like having a weight lifted and stops them from swirling around endlessly - at least for a while. Even better, the rational part of the mind starts to kick in at some point during the process, and I will often arrive at new and helpful perspectives.

I'm not saying "don't take an SSRI", but I think, whatever you decide to do, writing might prove to be a useful tool. Good luck!

Amoebic wrote:
UMOarsman wrote:

Thanks for that, Natus. We're going to have to live together for a while anyway (for financial reasons) so it's nice to know that, at least at this stage, we can be warm towards each other. I needed to hear that bit about people being able to be close. I don't know it's a goal per-se, but it makes it easier to know what's possible.

My biggest two fears that run over and over in my head are never finding someone else and that first night alone in an empty place. Just murders me every time.

YMMV. I was also in a situation where I needed to live with my ex after he asked for a divorce. for a while after he cheated, we tried to make it work, it didn't and we were both clearly unhappy, so a line was drawn in the sand. Even with the kindest intentions toward one another, that time between deciding on divorce and then actually separating was still probably the worst 8 months of my life for how that fundamentally changed my mental and physical health.

I'm of the mind that if it's over, it's over, and the wound needs to close to heal. Get that space to grieve and heal so that you won't have to accommodate your grief for her guilt whenever she's around. Or trying to hide frayed edges around kids and family because you have no where to go with it. Have a private space for you to do that really helps. The sooner you have the space to work through it the sooner you can rebuild a different relationship to her as someone in your life. This horrible feeling will not be forever, though when you're in the weeds it sure can feel like it.

Don't worry about finding someone else, right now. That's task for future-you when you've given yourself the time and grace to love and heal the current you first. Everyone else can radiate outward from there.

If you're worried about that first night alone...if you can get that internet set up, happy to do some multiplayer :)

Just want to echo this. I'm almost 2 years separated, 1 year divorced and while my experience wasn't the exact same as yours, UMOarsman, it wasn't dissimilar either. What I want to tell you most is - you deserve better. I know you love your ex, and maybe in some ways she loves you too, but at the end of the day she's putting her needs above yours in ways that make her willing to absolutely disregard your feelings to get what she feels she needs. You need first and foremost to protect yourself from that - otherwise you're setting yourself up to be hurt over and over and over again.

Don't worry about being alone, or finding someone else, or any of that. You are stronger than you think and you know. Find communities of friends and family to support you in your new journey. Figure out your new identity and what that means. What you find might surprise you - that without your ex, you are happier, more powerful and more in control of your life than you ever thought you could be.

We do have a divorce thread too. If you want to talk more about that angle of things. Whatever helps you.

DSGamer wrote:

I am curious who here has had success with SSRIs managing obsessive or ruminative thinking and anxiety. This is mostly what I struggle with and it’s been acute lately as work stress has really cranked up. So I’m seriously considering taking an SSRI for the first time.

DM or reply, whatever you’re comfortable with. I would just like to hear some success stories, because I’m feeling a bit hopeless.

I have also had success. I have a history of depression as well but it was the anxiety and obsessive thinking that led me to try medication. It took me a while to find the right SSRI and dosage. I’ve been taking Paxil for over a decade now. Eventually was able to reduce the dosage but still taking it.

Robear wrote:

I have, very much so. Zoloft has greatly reduced all three (although not eliminated them entirely). My life is wholly different and much happier than before. It was magical. Not a total fix but enough to let me control it most of the time.

I also found that using a noise generator at night helps to "blank out" ruminations when they start up, unless they are just overwhelming. Then I just read for an hour and go back to sleep after they are derailed.

Same here. Zoloft (sertraline) has helped me. I wouldn't say it's been life changing but it's definitely improved my life. It will take a little while to find the exact SSRI and dose that works so don't give up so quickly - i also found it took time for me notice the improvements and that they were subtle but there.

At higher doses I noticed some emotional numbing which may help at times. I basically compare it to having Sunday work anxiety - for me the SSRI almost completely took it away but it also took some of the excitement of Friday afternoon away as well.

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I know you're not looking for answers or solutions, but please consider telling your doctor about this event.

Yeah, what Jonman said.

Aside from that, you're always welcome to unload here anytime you need to. Read it all.

Farscry, this IS the place for you to speak/write. So, keep doing so.

Jonman wrote:

I know you're not looking for answers or solutions, but please consider telling your doctor about this event.

^Excellent advice, but I'd also tell your therapist as well. And I may be dim, but I'm not clear why you wouldn't tell your wife. That's the first person I'd tell. Not to alarm her, but to make sure she knows where you are. Your nonchalant reaction to near-death is a danger signal.

As a fellow high blood pressure sufferer (I'm in my mid-50's), my exercise didn't really take off until I joined a dojo in my neighborhood (and even then it's taken years!) I'm discovering with my ADHD that I need community-based "programs" to keep me accountable, whether it be reading, martial arts, work, etc. See what works for you.

@Farscry just know that you are a long time treasured member of this community.
I think a lot of people are thinking "I can't go on like this" to whatever degree or end. I don't think those thoughts are irrational under current circumstances with all the hurting and pain and lack of empathy around this upside down world.

Goddamn frustrated right now. Trying to get a job (again) and got lots of prospects but no calls back. These days I'm applying to large corporate transportation companies. This means the person I'm talking to does not have the authority to greenlight my hire. It's gotta go to a pile of requests sitting in another department.

It's been a tough few weeks since I shared the news about my wife cheating and my decision to get divorced. I've been trying to wrap my head around everything and figure out what to do next. I've talked to a lawyer and have a better understanding of the legal process, but it's still daunting and overwhelming.

I'm also struggling with how to tell my wife and start this process. I know it's not going to be easy, especially with children involved. I'm nervous about how it will all play out and how it will impact our family.

I know that this is the right decision for me. I can't continue living in a marriage where there is no trust or respect. It's not fair to me or to my wife. I'm trying to focus on taking things one day at a time and seeking support from friends and family (and you fine folks). It's not going to be an easy journey, but I know I can get through it with their help.

Just looking for moral support and any advice I can get. Thanks everyone for being there for me.

Strangeblades wrote:

Goddamn frustrated right now. Trying to get a job (again) and got lots of prospects but no calls back. These days I'm applying to large corporate transportation companies. This means the person I'm talking to does not have the authority to greenlight my hire. It's gotta go to a pile of requests sitting in another department.

Please don't lose hope! Keep applying and networking, and try not to get too discouraged. It's a numbers game. You never know when the right opportunity will come along.

If there's anything I can do to help, please don't hesitate to PM me.

Yep. Hit me up if you want to chat on Steam. Sorry it's going this way.

Robear wrote:

Yep. Hit me up if you want to chat on Steam. Sorry it's going this way.

Thanks Robear and thank you for checking in on me on Steam. I'll definitely reach out to you when I'm online. I stay invisible a lot because it's a shared computer and I don't want a pop-up reaching her. But if I see you, I'll reach out.

UMOarsman wrote:
Strangeblades wrote:

Goddamn frustrated right now. Trying to get a job (again) and got lots of prospects but no calls back. These days I'm applying to large corporate transportation companies. This means the person I'm talking to does not have the authority to greenlight my hire. It's gotta go to a pile of requests sitting in another department.

Please don't lose hope! Keep applying and networking, and try not to get too discouraged. It's a numbers game. You never know when the right opportunity will come along.

If there's anything I can do to help, please don't hesitate to PM me.

I'm at the end of a long divorce and it sounds similar to your situation. Definitely dm me if you want to discuss. I'll let you know what I did and didn't work and what I would have done differently. Sorry for this, it's devastating.

X-post from the Divorce thread:

I got hit with a sucker punch just now. I found all our framed wedding pictures face down in a pile in my office. Under the bin the kids put their art in. Thank god none of them flipped one over and had questions. I guess the game is up - question now is how fast can I retain a lawyer before confronting her. Definitely not going to say anything about it - just bagged them up and took them to a corner of the basement.

Still hurts. Especially of the one of my son, one year old, inbetween us in his Sunday best. Got me in the feels. I'm fairly certain she planted them specifically to screw with me, but maybe I'm ascribing too much malice here. Either way, I feel like sh*t.

I don't think there's much ambiguity in that. Probably not malicious; they were not defaced and were out of sight. Perhaps it's a bit of welcome clarity as to what her intentions are? IE, end it.

With a night's sleep behind me, I agree. And I am planning on doing so this week. Soon as I have a lawyer on retainer to help me think through logistics.

If you know anyone who has been through this, or can find someone here to advise you, my friends who have had that kind of advice have generally had easier times of it. Big lesson I've heard is listen to the lawyer.

I'm taking all the advice I can get from folks unfortunate enough to have gone through this. Anyone who has, please let me know if you're OK with me reaching out for coaching.

Thank you everyone. Makes me feel better to have people behind me.

Strangeblades wrote:

Goddamn frustrated right now. Trying to get a job (again) and got lots of prospects but no calls back. These days I'm applying to large corporate transportation companies. This means the person I'm talking to does not have the authority to greenlight my hire. It's gotta go to a pile of requests sitting in another department.

I hear you, I'm in the same situation.

RedJen wrote:
Strangeblades wrote:

Goddamn frustrated right now. Trying to get a job (again) and got lots of prospects but no calls back. These days I'm applying to large corporate transportation companies. This means the person I'm talking to does not have the authority to greenlight my hire. It's gotta go to a pile of requests sitting in another department.

I hear you, I'm in the same situation.

Sigh. Yup.

IMAGE(https://i.imgur.com/ze6Xhtz.jpg)

Hey. I gots a job. Another one. It's a different version of one i did a few years ago (which i liked) but this current one is waaaaay easier (which i f*cking love!). So yay