It's DIY Week for the weekly NFL thread because (a) I don't have any coherent thoughts about Week 12 and (b) I have another two hours of paid writing ahead of me tonight.
Also, I have no words to describe whatever the hell this is that turned up at the Jags game:
Yeesh.
Let's skip right to the WEEK 13 SCHEDULE because there are a ton of great games this weekend.
Thurs: *Bills-Patriots* (Prime)
Sunday early: Steelers-Falcons, Broncos-Ravens, Packers-Bears, Jaguars-Lions, Br*wns-Texans, *Jets-Vikings*, *Commanders-Giants*, **Titans-Eagles**
Sunday late: Seahawks-Rams, *Dolphins-Niners*, **Chiefs-Bengals** (national GOTW), *Chargers-Raiders*
Sunday night: Colts-Cowboys (NBC); I don't know why this game wasn't flexed into space OH I KNOW COWBOYS. At least Dallas is watchable this year.
Monday: Saints-Bucs (ESPN) for momentary control of the tire fire that is the NFC South; thank goodness the ManningCast is back
Byes: Cardinals, Panthers (thank god because I won't feel guilty if I don't watch)
Coverage maps are here; NC gets Steelers-Falcons (blah) and Titans-Eagles (OK).
POWER RANKINGS
From ESPN this week.
Your top 5: Chiefs (1st last week), Eagles (2nd), Bills (3rd), Cowboys (5th), Dolphins (4th)
Biggest gainer: Raiders +7 (to 20th) after winning their second straight OT game; ESPN notes that they have a decent chance of running the table (and finishing 11-7) because they face the Chargers, Rams, Patriots and Steelers (combined 18-25), then the Niners (probably an L but weirder things have happened) and the Chiefs (who might take off Week 18). Watch the Raiders, is what I'm saying.
Biggest loser: Cardinals and Colts, both -5 to 25th and 27th respectively. Looks like Kliff could be the next Koach Kanned, while the Colts can't seem to manage the clock (or block or catch or run).
IF THE SEASON ENDED TODAY ...
(link)
AFC division winners: Chiefs, Dolphins, Titans, Ravens
AFC wild cards: Bills, Bengals, J-E-T-S Jets!
Next two: Patriots and Chargers (both at 6-5)
NFC division winners: Eagles, Vikings, Niners, Bucs
NFC wild cards: Cowboys, Giants, Commanders*
Next: Seattle (6-5); everyone else has a losing record)
* The NFC East probably won't end up with four teams in the playoffs. The Giants, for instance, still have four divisional games left, while the Commandos have three.
No team has been eliminated (yet! not even the Texans), but Football Outsiders gives two teams (Bears and Texans) a Blutarski (0.0%) of making the playoffs and five other teams a playoff chance of 1% or less (your defending Super Bowl champion Rams, Cardinals, Colts, Texans, Broncos). Even the HEY DARNOLD Panthers have more hope than this!
Top 5 picks in the 2023 draft: Texans, Bears, Lions (via the Rams), Seahawks (via the Broncos), Panthers (via Tankathon)
Get it up for Week 13!
Bet this guy can manage a clock better than the Colts' interim HC. I mean, to get dressed in time to make the game takes some serious time management skills.
*LEGION*'S "WHERE WILL OBJ GO" POWER RANKINGS, WEEK 13 EDITION:
The Rams had been keeping a locker held for OBJ, but they've finally given up and taken his nameplate down. Don't know what they were waiting for, they fell off of the Power Rankings list last week!
1. Cowboys (Last week: 1) - Winners of the game dubbed "The Odell Bowl", and one of the three teams with a confirmed scheduled visit lined up, the Cowboys remain in pole position.
2. Giants (Last week: 3) - The losers of The Odell Bowl still made a game of it, and highlighted their need for OBJ with the amount of targets that went to guys like Richie James and Isaiah Hodgins. OBJ would become a focal point in this offense immediately, and you can't say that about any other 7-win team. They're also the second team on the 3-team visit list.
3. Bills (Last week: 4) - Buffalo gets a bump up for rounding out the 3-team list of confirmed OBJ visits. But the vibes here have cooled from their early season highs. They're still winning, but having to claw their way to a last minute victory over the 4-win Lions only adds to their November downswing.
4. His couch (Last week: N/A) - This past week, OBJ had an incident that saw him drifting in and out of consciousness during a flight, and refusing to disembark until he was escorted off by officers. The odds that no team ends up signing him have skyrocketed. As such, staying home and watching the playoffs from his couch makes its debut on the charts, all the way up at #4.
5. Chiefs (Last week: 2) - The need is still there, even though Skyy Moore has finally been confirmed to have a pulse and gotten into the action. Mahomes is still having to feed targets to TE2s and TE3s whose names I wouldn't be able to pick out of a create-a-player lineup. But they slide down the board due to not having a confirmed visit scheduled yet.
6. 49ers (Last week: 6) - Deebo Samuel is playing through some hamstring tightness. Nothing that has taken him off the field except for some stretching and hydration breaks, but there's potential for the Niners to get back into this game if Deebo suffers a more serious setback.
7. Titans (Last week: 5) - Their lack of firepower was on display in the loss of a winnable game against the Bengals, which saw Cincy outmuscle Tennessee to shut down their run game, and expose their lack of passing threats. They're getting production of out Treylon Burks, but they desperately need another weapon.
8. Jail (Last week: N/A) - The airplane incident in and of itself won't land OBJ in any serious trouble, but the question is if this is the start of a Mr. Big Chest style spiral out of control. The incident was certainly weird enough to bring AB to mind.
9. Ravens (Last week: 7) - In their loss at the hands of Jaguar Jesus, King of Duval, the Un-Urbaned, the Ravens saw Lamar Jackson having to throw a lot of passes in the directions of backup TE Josh Oliver and old man DeSean Jackson. This is still a 7-win team, but the vibes are LOL you lost to Jacksonville.
10. Bengals (Last week: 8) - Chase was to return this week, but that has now stretched into next week. Odds are super long here, but if Chase has any further setbacks, it could motivate the Bengals to make a push.
Falling off: Buccaneers (9), Chargers (10)
Also, I have no words to describe whatever the hell this is that turned up at the Jags game
The Jaguars are 1-0 when Jaxson De Ville shows up to the stadium in a banana hammock.
Surely the Ravens can hold their double digit lead against the pitiful Broncos this week
Ravens beat the Panthers who whupped the Broncos so sure why not.
Enix wrote:Also, I have no words to describe whatever the hell this is that turned up at the Jags game
The Jaguars are 1-0 when Jaxson De Ville shows up to the stadium in a banana hammock.
Lucky him the weather allows for it.
Surely the Ravens can hold their double digit lead against the pitiful Broncos this week
Double digit lead? Denver can't catch up if their opponent gets double digit points.
8. Jail (Last week: N/A) - The airplane incident in and of itself won't land OBJ in any serious trouble, but the question is if this is the start of a Mr. Big Chest style spiral out of control. The incident was certainly weird enough to bring AB to mind.
Speaking of MBC...
Arrest order issued for Antonio Brown for misdemeanor domestic violence
The Patriots are going into one of the most important games of their season with two healthy offensive linemen. The Bills are not going to miss Von Miller tonight.
*Legion* wrote:8. Jail (Last week: N/A) - The airplane incident in and of itself won't land OBJ in any serious trouble, but the question is if this is the start of a Mr. Big Chest style spiral out of control. The incident was certainly weird enough to bring AB to mind.
Speaking of MBC...
Arrest order issued for Antonio Brown for misdemeanor domestic violence
I still can’t get over the way he pronounced parody.
The Panthers former HC tells the local paper (not making this up) that he believes he’s not simply a “college coach” who failed in the NFL.
He also said that he "felt like I deserved (more time). No coach has ever really been fired at 1-4."
Bill O'Brien, Jay Gruden and Dan Quinn would like to have a word about that last sentence.
I, for one, believe Matt Rhule needs more time in either Carolina, Atlanta, or New Orleans. Any of the three is fine.
He also said that he "felt like I deserved (more time). No coach has ever really been fired at 1-4."
Bill O'Brien, Jay Gruden and Dan Quinn would like to have a word about that last sentence.
Bruce Coslet was 0-3. Lane Kiffin was 1-3. Joe Philbin was 1-3. Dennis Allen was 0-4. Scott Linehan was 0-4.
Mike Nolan was only slightly longer at 2-5. Vince Tobin was 2-5 also.
*Legion* wrote:8. Jail (Last week: N/A) - The airplane incident in and of itself won't land OBJ in any serious trouble, but the question is if this is the start of a Mr. Big Chest style spiral out of control. The incident was certainly weird enough to bring AB to mind.
Speaking of MBC...
Arrest order issued for Antonio Brown for misdemeanor domestic violence
Just not a great day for famous, rich black men with clear mental health issues.
Enix wrote:He also said that he "felt like I deserved (more time). No coach has ever really been fired at 1-4."
Bill O'Brien, Jay Gruden and Dan Quinn would like to have a word about that last sentence.
Bruce Coslet was 0-3. Lane Kiffin was 1-3. Joe Philbin was 1-3. Dennis Allen was 0-4. Scott Linehan was 0-4.
Mike Nolan was only slightly longer at 2-5. Vince Tobin was 2-5 also.
Yeah but they weren’t really fired. Just sorta fired.
Marcus Jones, football player.
The Patriots can't defend a 3rd down if their lives depended on it. If the Bills don't turn the ball over, this game is all but done.
The Patriots can't defend a 3rd down if their lives depended on it. If the Bills don't turn the ball over, this game is all but done.
They also can't make a third down on offence either so they are well balanced.
Draw Play Dave calls the Jags "easily the horniest, sexiest fanbase" in the NFL.
Edit: Even funnier than DPD is this piece from FO's Mike Tanier, whose Monday reviews/Friday previews are must-reads. Here's his latest:
NFL Week 13 - What fragrance of scented candles do you think Russell Wilson and Ciara light in the 12 bathrooms of their Denver mansion when entertaining guests?That's the first question Walkthrough would seek to answer in the unlikely event we are ever invited to a Wilson birthday party.
Ciara threw her hubby a birthday party this week and, per Mike Klis of Denver's 9News, "about half the team showed up," despite it being the players' day off. Klis considered the attendance rate proof that Wilson is still respected in the Broncos locker room. Walkthrough knows better: a 50% attendance rate is proof that Wilson is so toxic that he discourages lookie-loos.
Imagine you are some random Broncos backup, possibly living in a luxury condo or a McMansion you have only half furnished, hunkering down for an icy Colorado late autumn. An invitation arrives at your locker from Ciara, probably delivered by a rose-crowned fruit dove wearing a sapphire choker. (Ciara absolutely invited the entire roster; two of her children are school-aged now, so she knows it's imperative to invite the whole class to every birthday party.) It's basically a golden ticket to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. How do you say no?
It gets even more brutal from here.
Draw Play Dave calls the Jags "easily the horniest, sexiest fanbase" in the NFL.
Goddamn right.
NFL Week 13 - What fragrance of scented candles do you think Russell Wilson and Ciara light in the 12 bathrooms of their Denver mansion when entertaining guests?
That's the first question Walkthrough would seek to answer in the unlikely event we are ever invited to a Wilson birthday party.
Rich Eisen did a "Top 10 NFL QB Birthday Parties You Wouldn't Want To Miss" Power Rankings on his show. A big +1 to the top two:
From Reddit:
Mac Jones is now 0-3 against the Bills in games when he throws more than 3 passes
[sarcasm]Lovely: [/sarcasm]
COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) — Carolina Panthers owner David Tepper and his real estate company are the focus of a criminal investigation to see if they misused any public money in their failed effort to build a practice facility for the NFL team in South Carolina.
Shout out to Mac Jones and his "Throw the f**king ball! F**king run game sucks!"
Weird; why is Mac Jones yelling at Byron Leftwich?
Shout out to Mac Jones and his "Throw the f**king ball! F**king run game sucks!"
Granted these are sacred cows in NE but the whole Pencil Ear dude is now the OC feels a bit like when Andy Reid made his OL coach his DC.
The Rams placed Matthew Stafford on IR. The Lions might end up with a top-5 and a top-15 pick next year.
The Rams placed Matthew Stafford on IR. The Lions might end up with a top-5 and a top-15 pick next year.
Rams spent years of value to stack one season.
They are so lucky it worked. They're not going to compete for a long time.
Aaron Donald will be retired and Sean McVay will be in a broadcast booth before the team has a meaningful draft pick again.
Oh look, Schefter is carrying water for the rapist QB again:
Taylor Heinicke trying to look like a Peaky Blinder but I think he forgot what the word "pocket" means in "pocket watch."
Beat Hard sighting!
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