Depression is ruining my life.

Antichulius, Congratulations on your amazing work achievement. As others have said, all of us here in your GWJ Family are super proud of you. If you do attend, SillyRabbit is right, imagine all of us there with you cheering you on. That said, I agree with Jonman, and you shouldn't feel obligated to attend that ceremony if you don't feel up to it. It's you that you need to worry about right now.

I want to re-post this quote:

Bill Harris at Dubious Quality wrote:

Not asking for help when you need it isn't selfless, and it's not protecting the people around you.

It's just another way to punish yourself.

It's your mind tricking you into thinking you don't deserve help because you failed in some way.

Man, that is such a trap.

I can't stress enough that you need to tell the people closest to you that you are not okay. When someone asks for your help on something, you need to say "no". You need to say "I'm really in a tough spot right now and I need help, so I can't help you." I know that is super hard, and could be near-impossible for many. But, it really is the only way forward to heal, and all of us here in your GWJ Family are here to support you and help you however we can.

You are seen, brother.

Thank you everyone. I did have a good cry last night, cut a bit short simply from sleep. I was mistaken about the awards date, so I didn't actually have to deal with that today, which was good. I don't really know what I need, but I'm grateful for the offers and thoughts in that regard. I'm just glad to have a place to share what I couldn't share anywhere else. And for a group of caring folks who listen.

Congrats! That sounds really awesome; I hope you can share what the award is for so we can properly appreciative.

Keep in mind that you can choose how to take congratulations from others. Consider them sincere and heartfelt - because they almost certainly are. This is a big deal, and it means that others around are actively recognizing your value.

Good job!

Chumpy_McChump wrote:

Keep in mind that you can choose how to take congratulations from others. Consider them sincere and heartfelt - because they almost certainly are.

You make a really good point here. I’ve got some thinking and considering to do on this. And how that’s not automatic for me. Thank you for raising this point.

Antichulius: CONGRATULATIONS. That sounds like a huge deal and we are all proud of you. I hope you get a shiny trophy or something!

Antichulius wrote:
Spoiler:

I’ve been steadily getting more and more overwhelmed recently. And I think today I broke. Because today I was told I was selected for the most prestigious award my place of work offers. And when I returned to my desk, I realized I had no one to call, no one who would celebrate with me, no one who would understand the dichotomy of my feelings, no one who I cared to have care.
...
It’s been such a long time since anyone’s decided to see if I’m okay.

And I’m just not.

The problem with feeling so alone—is, like, who do you even tell? Without feeling like you’re guilting or blaming them in the process? There’s no one to tell, because if there was, you wouldn’t feel so dang alone.

And maybe I’m not quite so alone since I can post here.

Spoiler:

I see a lot of myself in your post, so neither of us are alone in that regard, I guess.

My team is scheduled to go live with our new application tomorrow. It's a big deal on a personal and professional level, but also on a much larger scale. It's not an exaggeration to say that lives could be at stake, given that a key user group is sufferers of domestic violence. It's the most impactful thing I've ever worked on and I'm the lead on it. I've never been lead on anything before.
My wife doesn't even know what the application is, let alone that we're going live tomorrow. I've mentioned it. I think she just doesn't care.

I feel like I'm in the same boat as you. Like, what can I do about it? Who can I even talk to?

I've found that (aside from the good people in GWJ!) keeping a journal has really helped me. I also keep a little journal/log thing of nice things people have said or done about me. Things where I've made an impact, even if it's tiny at least it's something. I'll look at these things to remind myself that not only do I exist, I made a difference to someone. It's got all sorts of things, from a picture of my daughter giving me a kiss on the cheek to some random person using some of my code in a game jam.

Antichulius wrote:
Spoiler:

But what I really need is a good, long cry. The soul shuddering, cathartic kind. Because tomorrow, I’m going to get singled out in a meeting and a long line of semi-sincere, obligatory congratulations. And social niceties require that I smile and say thank you. And hope no one actually looks me in the eye.

Spoiler:

Mate, these are genuine congratulations. You're the one and only person getting this award and it's the company's most prestigious - there's no doubt it's sincere! If there's anything semi-sincere about it, it's because their insecurity makes them secretly wish they were you! I know it can be hard to accept things like this, but you owe it to yourself to at least let them give you thanks.

That sounds like a very cool project, halfway!

I’ve been having some intrusive thoughts. Should probably schedule an appointment with a therapist. Instead I’ve been rocking out to this song.

*warning* song references suicidal ideation

dejanzie wrote:
TheHarpoMarxist wrote:
RawkGWJ wrote:

There is a YouTube channel hosted by a woman with ADHD called How to ADHD. You might as well start with her earliest video and watch them in order. In the early ones she explains about the less hyperactive presentations of ADHD. My ADHD presented in the less hyperactive form as well. For the most part anyway.

I’m also a late in life diagnosee of ADHD.

The book Driven to Distraction is worth checking out as well, especially for folks who got a diagnosis late in life or if you think you might have ADHD but have never been diagnosed.

I'm going to read that book, as the one thing that's holding me back (and taking me on intercontinental guilt trips) it's my complete inability to really focus on something I find tedious. Maybe ADD fits for me, maybe not, but I really need to find out. And at age 39 I seem to be at the Goodjer median age for a diagnosis too :lol:

So today, after an IQ test and an interview, the diagnosis is: ADD, the non-hyper version. I'm highly functional (therapist's words, not mine!), medicating is thus optional. But with all the long-term projects I failed at so often because I just couldn't focus, the slightest hope of help overcoming that... I have to try it.

Just one example: I want to learn to braid my daughter's hair. I even took a course end of 2019, but I was the only dad who couldn't even do the simplest weave by the end. Then I purchased one of those hairdresser model wig heads. But every single time I get distracted, after 30 seconds into the Youtube tutorial. I felt really bad about this, still do, as sometimes the kids need to wake up early because my wife needs to fix their hair before her commute.

And now the slow recalibration begins as well, re-framing my memories with this new-found knowledge, and a new angle to look at future experiences.

I have been a silent supporter in this thread for years, and now just maybe it has changed my life.

edit: trimmed it down, got carried away yesterday.

FWIW, my daughter has ADD (distraction) and is taking Vyvance. It completely changed her life for the better.

RawkGWJ wrote:

I’ve been having some intrusive thoughts. Should probably schedule an appointment with a therapist.

You should. As someone that had to make that decision, it was 100% worth it.

Also, get a therapist recommended by a professional. They’re a dime a dozen, and the good ones are worth their weight in gold.

RawkGWJ wrote:

I’ve been having some intrusive thoughts. Should probably schedule an appointment with a therapist. Instead I’ve been rocking out to this song.

Take care of yourself, and don't let anything stop you. *Everyone* should be in some kind of therapy. This country would be a lot better off if people weren't shamed into bearing their troubles alone. Friends/spouses/partners/colleagues can only do so much.

I’m not ashamed of going to therapy. It’s never been too helpful for me though. This time might be different. I’m having ruminations. (I think that’s the proper term.) Just to be clear, it’s not suicidal thoughts. I have issues with suicidal ideation on a nearly weekly basis, but this is different.

What’s going on here is that I’m fixating on some painful memories. I’m actually wasting precious personal time by focusing on these ruminations. So I’d say that makes this is a mildly debilitating problem. I’m pretty sure that I can work through this with a therapist.

RawkGWJ wrote:

I’m not ashamed of going to therapy. It’s never been too helpful for me though. This time might be different. I’m having ruminations. (I think that’s the proper term.) Just to be clear, it’s not suicidal thoughts. I have issues with suicidal ideation on a nearly weekly basis, but this is different.

What’s going on here is that I’m fixating on some painful memories. I’m actually wasting precious personal time by focusing on these ruminations. So I’d say that makes this is a mildly debilitating problem. I’m pretty sure that I can work through this with a therapist.

That sounds like an appropriate problem to address through conventional talk therapy.

CBT may be useful for this situation specifically.

In any case, you and your therapist should discuss treatment modalities relatively early in the process.

I also like to encourage people to recognize that not every therapist is a good clinical match for them and to consider switching therapists if the current one isn't working out.

RawkGWJ wrote:

What’s going on here is that I’m fixating on some painful memories. I’m actually wasting precious personal time by focusing on these ruminations. So I’d say that makes this is a mildly debilitating problem. I’m pretty sure that I can work through this with a therapist.

I struggle with fixation/something I call "thought loops" which sound a lot like your ruminations.

Therapy helps, but I also eventually tried medication. Ativan is pretty amazing for when I'm "stuck" and need to get on with my life.

It's a benzo, so they're strict with how it's prescribed, but sometimes even just having it available is enough to "un-stick" me, so to speak. Like just carrying it around in my bag/pocket and knowing I have that fallback means I don't always need to take them.

When I started therapy, I held off on medication as I tried other things, but it's also nice to have it as one more tool available for living your life.

Reaper81 wrote:

I also like to encourage people to recognize that not every therapist is a good clinical match for them and to consider switching therapists if the current one isn't working out.

Something I struggle to explain to people who haven't tried therapy, are trying to get someone to try therapy, or who tried it once and gave up immediately is exactly this. It can be hard to find a mechanic you can trust with your car, let alone someone you can work with and trust with your mental health needs.

So I try to emphasize that you might have to keep trying until you find someone you can work with. And that's also why I stress to people's partners you can't force someone into therapy because it can just be a self-fulfilling prophecy if they're not ready to give it a proper try and just go through the motions.

An analogy I've heard (read?) is that a therapist is like a coach. Just because you got a bad one doesn't mean all of them suck. You've gotta find one that understands your goals and also clicks personality-wise.

A few years ago I had this sh*tty therapist for a few weeks. TBH his cold and abrasive demeanor helped me to come to terms with a different thought loop that I was dealing with. Then during a session I mentioned something about my passion for social justice, and he mockingly said, “What do you think you’re Batman or something?” My initial thought was, “What do have against Batman?” But then I realized it was a dig at me. The rest of that session was awkward and I didn’t schedule another.

Therapists are just like a teacher or mentor. Some are addicted to tough love and others never call you out on your bullsh*t.
You need one that strikes a balance. They pump you up when you are being too hard on yourself and also get you to think when you are about to indulge in bad ideas.

Genuinely good knowledge and advice.

I don't know what to do right now. Today one of my dogs who has been having reactivity problems attacked the dog walker we were meeting for the first time as part of a training program. She's just a young girl. I am waves of nausea and anxiety. I don't know how to calm down right now. I feel like I am being pushed through the threshold of a meat grinder waiting to be shredded.

imbiginjapan wrote:

meeting for the first time as part of a training program.

I can understand the concern, just remember: it's a training program. Talk to the instructor. See what you can do to instill good habits in your dog, and give them time to learn. IMAGE(https://emojipedia-us.s3.dualstack.us-west-1.amazonaws.com/thumbs/240/samsung/265/red-heart_2764.png)

trueheart78 wrote:
imbiginjapan wrote:

meeting for the first time as part of a training program.

I can understand the concern, just remember: it's a training program. Talk to the instructor. See what you can do to instill good habits in your dog, and give them time to learn. IMAGE(https://emojipedia-us.s3.dualstack.us-west-1.amazonaws.com/thumbs/240/samsung/265/red-heart_2764.png)

Hope they see it that way. I am terrified that my dog will be taken away since it was a reportable incident.

imbiginjapan wrote:
trueheart78 wrote:
imbiginjapan wrote:

meeting for the first time as part of a training program.

I can understand the concern, just remember: it's a training program. Talk to the instructor. See what you can do to instill good habits in your dog, and give them time to learn. IMAGE(https://emojipedia-us.s3.dualstack.us-west-1.amazonaws.com/thumbs/240/samsung/265/red-heart_2764.png)

Hope they see it that way. I am terrified that my dog will be taken away since it was a reportable incident.

I would do everything I could to get ahold of the instructor ASAP and talk to them. They should be able to give you reassurance. I know the opposite is also possible, but I'm keeping that out of mind. My focus would be to get the anxiety aspect of what you're dealing with nipped in the bud as soon as you can. IMAGE(https://emojipedia-us.s3.dualstack.us-west-1.amazonaws.com/thumbs/240/samsung/265/red-heart_2764.png)

You certainly aren't the first person that this has happened to, either, I bet.

If you need some help, please don’t hesitate to hit me up. I’m a remote dog trainer and available to talk through this on Discord or the phone. I might be able to help you map out some protocols and prevent future incidents while you find a local trainer.

TheHarpoMarxist wrote:

If you need some help, please don’t hesitate to hit me up. I’m a remote dog trainer and available to talk through this on Discord or the phone. I might be able to help you map out some protocols and prevent future incidents while you find a local trainer.

I've got a behaviorist arriving Friday morning. I am personally feeling a little less horrific after spending Tuesday afternoon and night with some Xanax. The anxiety is still really simmering but at least it's not debilitating today. I expect I'll be mildly ill with brain weasels at least until the ACO gets in touch.

imbiginjapan wrote:
TheHarpoMarxist wrote:

If you need some help, please don’t hesitate to hit me up. I’m a remote dog trainer and available to talk through this on Discord or the phone. I might be able to help you map out some protocols and prevent future incidents while you find a local trainer.

I've got a behaviorist arriving Friday morning. I am personally feeling a little less horrific after spending Tuesday afternoon and night with some Xanax. The anxiety is still really simmering but at least it's not debilitating today. I expect I'll be mildly ill with brain weasels at least until the ACO gets in touch.

I'm glad to hear that! I'll reinforce that this is a normal thing that happens and that you are doing everything right to manage it. Here if you need anything <3.

Hopefully this is on topic enough. I feel like this is mental health related and possibly depression. I have posted a version of this in the programming thread, so apologies if you've already read this.

Has anyone here taken a sabbatical or taken time off of work intentionally? I've been struggling lately with focus and concentration. It feels like possible career burnout. I really enjoy my job overall. I've drifted into mostly management. But I don't have the focus and concentration for the technical aspects. It almost feels like I'm fighting my brain. I'm 46 and haven't really taken a break outside of our moving back and forth to Australia.

My wife and I are financially well off enough that we wouldn't miss my income for a while, so I'm inclined to take a break finally and clear my head. What people seem to often recommend for software engineers if they are close to burnout or experiencing burnout is time away not thinking about work.

I think it would help me to not think about work for a while. The only thing stopping me, however, is that I'm worried my anxiety would get *worse* when I'm not working. So I'm curious about anyone who has done this and what their experience was. The anxiety is that I'd never be able to get a job again or that my wife would change her mind and leave me or that I wouldn't be able to cope with the time off, possibly counterintuitively. But I know I need it. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

DSGamer, I completely understand. As someone who went through a horrific software development-related burnout, take the time. When I had burnout, it was like I was trying to bang my head through a padded brick wall to solve the simplest of technical problems. It was after 8 years on the job, and 5 years being the lead developer (out of a max two), at a small company.

Let me tell you this about burnout, because nobody talks about it: it forking sucks.

Burnout is so bad. Like, so, so bad. My brain actively rejected the programming language I was using for well over a year. If I had not switched jobs and swapped to a different language, I would have been out of work for some time.

DSGamer wrote:

What people seem to often recommend for software engineers if they are close to burnout or experiencing burnout is time away not thinking about work.

Completely agreed. You do have options. You could take a leave of absence, if this is a place you’d like to continue working at, and such a thing is a available; You don’t need permission. If not, you could take a sabbatical, and just put that time on your resume, and if anyone questions it, they’re not worth the interview.

DSGamer wrote:

The anxiety is that I'd never be able to get a job again or that my wife would change her mind and leave me or that I wouldn't be able to cope with the time off, possibly counterintuitively.

You’re the one in charge of your own mental health at this moment. Not your wife. Not your employer. You. You need to decide, and because it’s mental-health-related, your brain is fighting you about it (disclaimer: taken from own personal experience).

Also remember, not working doesn’t mean not keeping yourself busy, but it could mean just being more aware of your own mental health and taking that into consideration. Your health, mentally and physically, matters to you, your wife, and any potential company you work for. The better you are, the better you will be with your wife, and your current and future employers.

Something I heard once about your own personal well-being has stuck with me for quite some time:

Your health never matters until it’s the only thing that matters.
DSGamer wrote:

But I know I need it.

I’m 100% onboard; You do need this. I am giving you permission to take it.

I agree with trueheart. I think taking some time away from the job would be extremely healthy. Also as trueheart has suggested, keep yourself busy with a project of your choice. It should be something that you feel passionate about, and something that you are genuinely interested in.

Also, on the topic of burnout, there is a book called Burnout which was coauthored by twin sisters Emily Nagoski and Emelia Nagoski who are experts in their respective fields. I love this book so much that I own the audiobook and the print copy. It’s full of wonderfully helpful wisdom. It’s an entertaining read as well.