Tell us your best dad jokes!

What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?

Spoiler:

A Fizzz-ician

The other day I accidentally handed my wife glue stick instead of chap stick. She's still not talking to me.

From a text thread with my family today:

Wife: Kids, did you check the coop for eggs?
Kid: Yeah, there was one
Wife: That's 6 today, great!
Me: That's ova the top! I'm ova joyed!
Wife: *inappropriate GIF*

IMAGE(https://i.imgur.com/tuVBDXx.jpg)

I've got a friend who is really good at silent tennis.

Silent tennis is just like regular tennis, but without the racket.

IMAGE(https://i.imgur.com/IRUWeyB.png)

Not a dad joke, but please don't feed bread to ducks. It's not good for them and makes them poop everywhere.

No one will go to the Whitesnake concert with me.
So here I go again on my own.

hbi2k wrote:

Not a dad joke, but please don't feed bread to ducks. It's not good for them and makes them poop everywhere.

I understand a bag of frozen peas is a really good, fairly cheap substitute. They probably won't be frozen anymore by the time you arrive, and they're very good for ducks.

Malor wrote:

a bag of frozen peas is a really good, fairly cheap substitute.

Read this and thought I was in another thread that's been getting a lot of new posts lately that is also relevant to dads.

Doctor: sorry sir but your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

Malor wrote:
hbi2k wrote:

Not a dad joke, but please don't feed bread to ducks. It's not good for them and makes them poop everywhere.

I understand a bag of frozen peas is a really good, fairly cheap substitute. They probably won't be frozen anymore by the time you arrive, and they're very good for ducks.

So how am I supposed to freeze my pee?

WAAAKKAAAAA

Seen on reddit:

A: What's the difference between toilet paper and a curtain
B: I don't know
A: So it was you!

A priest, a rabbi, a doughnut, and a cat walk into a bar. The bartender looks at the doughnut and says "we have a drink named after you!" The rabbi says "I'm a frayed knot."

There’s chaos down the local abbey.
It’s a total cloisterf*ck.

RawkGWJ wrote:
Malor wrote:
hbi2k wrote:

Not a dad joke, but please don't feed bread to ducks. It's not good for them and makes them poop everywhere.

I understand a bag of frozen peas is a really good, fairly cheap substitute. They probably won't be frozen anymore by the time you arrive, and they're very good for ducks.

So how am I supposed to freeze my pee?

WAAAKKAAAAA

A longtime family friend, who was also the minister of the church we went to when I was little, always loves to tell corny jokes that are often slightly inappropriate which because he's minister makes them even funnier.

At dinners he would always pick up a pea off of his plate and drop it and say "Whoops, pea on the floor!" and everyone would laugh. My nephew was 3 or 4 at one of these dinners- old enough to find things funny, but not always grasping why they were funny- started to dropping something off of his plate and shout "Carrot on the floor!" and we tried to explain that the joke didn't work with carrots.

My sister told me that a few years later my nephew was sitting in the backseat of their car while on a road trip and suddenly started laughing. When asked why, he said, "I get it now. Pee on the floor!"

Everyone talks about how Albert Einstein was a genius, but hardly anyone mentions how much of a monster his brother Frank was.

Q: If Ani is short for Anakin, Ben is short for Obi-wan, and Chewie is short for Chewbaca, what is Luke short for?

A: A stormtrooper

IMAGE(https://i.imgur.com/s3ore36.jpg)

I phate it when my p gets stolen.

RawkGWJ wrote:

I phate it when my p gets stolen.

It really isses me off.

When one door closes, another one opens.... besides that it’s a pretty decent car

Why are clams such bad lovers?

Because they are shellfish in bed.

Fun fact for kids: Komodo dragons got their name because they are the only reptiles that wear traditional Japanese clothing.

Robear wrote:

Fun fact for kids: Komodo dragons got their name because they are the only reptiles that wear traditional Japanese clothing.

Shame that the biologist naming them had a cold that day...

Robear wrote:

Fun fact for kids: Komodo dragons got their name because they are the only reptiles that wear traditional Japanese clothing.

Huh. I always figured it was because they liked to grill stuff.

Paleocon wrote:
Robear wrote:

Fun fact for kids: Komodo dragons got their name because they are the only reptiles that wear traditional Japanese clothing.

Huh. I always figured it was because they liked to grill stuff.

I always thought it was because they liked raw fish on rice beds.

TBF: If there were an animated series called Kimono Dragon, I would probably watch it.

Quasi-gaming trivia: one of the Zork novels has a kimono dragon in it. I think it was the one by George Alec Effinger.

fenomas wrote:

novels

Wait, so there's not just a book set in the Zork universe, there's more than one?