Tell us your best dad jokes!

I made up a Dad Joke, just this morning as I was preparing breakfast, with my wife as the victim willing participant.

Me: "What is Fozzy the Bear's favorite kitchen appliance?"
Wife: "What is it?"
Me: "A wok-a wok-a"
Wife: /sarcastic side eye
Me: /grinning like an idiot

IMAGE(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRsIUKlKjYheSHH1jU3Tkwb8H9aUBh_Jkcgnw&usqp=CAU)

cartoonin wrote:

I made up a Dad Joke, just this morning as I was preparing breakfast, with my wife as the victim willing participant.

Me: "What is Fozzy the Bear's favorite kitchen appliance?"
Wife: "What is it?"
Me: "A wok-a wok-a"
Wife: /sarcastic side eye
Me: /grinning like an idiot

IMAGE(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRsIUKlKjYheSHH1jU3Tkwb8H9aUBh_Jkcgnw&usqp=CAU)

Nice.

A weird German kid just gave me a gold coin, so I said...

"Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!"

#Flachwitz

Courtesy of this month's issue of AARP Bulletin.

The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19.
Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
I ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg; tomorrow romaines to be seen.

You know what they say; 2020 is hindsight.

Did everyone see my joke about the chiropractor? I posted it about a weak back.

Tscott wrote:

You know what they say; 2020 is hindsight.

That's what time travelers from the future say, yeah.

The Mandalorian Spoiler

Spoiler:

IMAGE(https://www.nbatitlechase.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/12/PHOTO-Baby-Yoda-Thinks-Frogs-Taste-Like-Beer-Meme.jpg)

Toddler (pointing at flavor blob in the baked beans): What's that?
Me: That's the Queen Bean! And all the other beans are her worker beans!
Toddler: *blank stare*

Do you know where to take a toddler who has been in a peek-a-boo accident?

Spoiler:

To the ICU!

Mixolyde wrote:

Toddler (pointing at flavor blob in the baked beans): What's that?
Me: That's the Queen Bean! And all the other beans are her worker beans!
Toddler: *blank stare*

IMAGE(https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/903/458/f7b.gif)

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”

I remember celebrating my thirty second birthday. I wish it had lasted all day instead of half a minute.

Why did the non-binary prospector move out west in 1849?

Spoiler:

Because there’s gold in them/their hills!

Dad jokes rule!
But I've developed the habit of putting 2 jokes together to make one really awful joke.
A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said "I have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replied "Wrecked him? It nearly killed him."

Nonsense like that.

What did Jesus say to the taxi driver when he was late for his meeting?

Spoiler:

Nail it

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

Spoiler:

Yes, we arson.

Astralplaydoh in Slack wrote:

My wife told me to take up breadmaking. She said I was kneady.

My wife mentioned that the maintenance staff of our building have been sweeping more regularly.

I paused for a moment and said, "I'm glad they're improving their vacuumin' acumen."

I got the usual eye roll plus can't-help-it chuckle.

IMAGE(https://i.ibb.co/K2JdHXw/in-space.jpg)

I hate how good that is.

Even better if Yoda was saying it.

My four year old loves to sit on the counter while I cook, and I love giving her tips. Today:

"Fresh herbs should always be added right before serving."
"Why daddy?"
"Because it's just in thyme."

Of course she doesn't understand English, but still...

My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, 'NOT THE KRYPTONITE!' and I said, 'That’s Superman.' He said, 'Thanks, man, I've been practicing.

Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old. Those are the years you're in your prime.

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

Cop: 'I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.' Man: 'Wait! I can explain everything!'

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.

If you spell the words "absolutely nothing" backward, you get "gnihton yletulosba". Interestingly, this means:

Spoiler:

absolutely nothing.

IMAGE(https://i.imgur.com/iktWlpv.jpeg)

IMAGE(https://i.imgflip.com/17ca77.jpg)

Oh. But he loves counting. One. Two. Three. Four...

I was pretty proud of this recent exchange with my 8yo son:

Vypre Jr: (while watching something goofy on YouTube) ”Hey, Dad - can you imagine having toads in your birthday cake?”

Me: ”Oh, yeah. Then you don’t have to worry about flies in your cake!”

Vypre Jr: ”What? No! Can you just stop?!”

Me: ”What? Do you want flies in your cake?!”

Vypre Jr: ”No, I don’t want flies OR toads in my cake.”

Me: ”Not to mention - if you find toads in your cake, you’re sure to have a ‘Hoppy Birthday’!!!”

Vypre Jr: ”...Oh. My. God. Daaaad - NO!!!”

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale.