Tell us your best dad jokes!

tanstaafl wrote:

If you ask Rick Astley to borrow his copy of the movie "Up", he can't because he will Never Give You Up. But, if he doesn't, he will Let You Down. This is known as the Astley Paradox

He'll Never Give You Up, but maybe he'll lend you Up if you ask nicely.

tanstaafl wrote:

If you ask Rick Astley to borrow his copy of the movie "Up", he can't because he will Never Give You Up. But, if he doesn't, he will Let You Down. This is known as the Astley Paradox

Did you know that Astley once opened for 311, but it was in his contract that they not play the #1 single from their 1995 self-titled album?

Blues Traveler was on that same tour. They invited Astley to sing vocals on their 1994 hit single, but he declined. He cooked them a nice dinner to apologize, but refused to serve them any sweets after the meal.

IMAGE(https://i.imgur.com/xDWZHVY.jpg)

Told to me today by my 11 year old:
"Why was the computer late to work?"

Spoiler:

Because he had a hard drive.

How did the computer get a faster commute?

Spoiler:

It switched to a flash drive!

"I'd like to speak to the manager!"

IMAGE(https://i.imgur.com/rGYhlxK.png)

(Works best if you are within line of sight to a cemetery) You know why they put fences up around cemetery's?

Spoiler:

Because people are dying to get in

Why is dark spelled with a K instead of a C?

Spoiler:

Because you can’t C in the dark!

Doctor: This test tells us your DNA is backwards.

Patient: And?

Sorry if this one's been done before...

How do you make a tissue dance?

Spoiler:

You put a little boogie in it

IMAGE(https://i.imgur.com/qrKgNoD.jpeg)

Why does the Joker sleep with the lights on?

He's afraid of the Dark Knight.

I hate Orion’s Belt. It’s a huge waste of space.

UpToIsomorphism wrote:

I hate Orion’s Belt. It’s a huge waste of space.

A huge waist of space?

UpToIsomorphism wrote:

I hate Orion’s Belt. It’s a huge waste of space.

Yeah. 3 stars.

Hrdina wrote:
UpToIsomorphism wrote:

I hate Orion’s Belt. It’s a huge waste of space.

A huge waist of space?

Inappropriate "your mom" joke.

Mixolyde wrote:
Hrdina wrote:
UpToIsomorphism wrote:

I hate Orion’s Belt. It’s a huge waste of space.

A huge waist of space?

Inappropriate "your mom" joke.

Your mom’s inappropriate...

The Your Mama thread is somewhere else.

I didn’t move a muscle for weeks and you know what I got?

A trophy.

for non-participation?

Tscott wrote:

I didn’t move a muscle for weeks and you know what I got?

A trophy.

IMAGE(https://live.staticflickr.com/3123/2902748386_772197259b.jpg)

IMAGE(https://i.imgur.com/Iv6bOk9.png)

Really proud of myself for this one

Overheard my MIL ask my toddler, "Who says neigh?"

Me: The U.S. Senate?

IMAGE(https://preview.redd.it/l5dcz88y1pd51.png?auto=webp&s=26b49097d9ac14f005c7b911670244c5d31070df)

A doctor walks into a maternity ward waiting room and hands a baby to a man.

Doctor: "I'm sorry. Your wife didn't make it."

Man: "Oh. Then could you bring me the one my wife did make?"

What animal is most likely to double dip at a party? The chippo!

I've been learning speed reading and I can now read War and Peace in under 20 seconds. It’s only three words, but it’s a start.

Reminds me of:

Guy was chatting to his golfer friend and mentioned he’d played golf for the first time the previous weekend.

“How did it go?” the friend asked.

“I shot a 72,” the man replied.

“That’s amazing!”

“Yes, not bad is it? Next weekend I’m going to try the second hole.”

Only marginally Dad-jokey, but in the spirit of the last two posts:

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders three Guinness. The bartender says, "You can order them one at a time, you know..." The guy responds, "Ah, see, I have two brothers who I never get to see. One lives in Australia and the other in Ireland. We agreed to stop what we're doing every day and have a beer together in spirit, one for each of us".

This went on for years - every day the guy came in ordered three Guinness, toasted his brothers, and went on his way.

Then, one day the guy came in and ordered only two beers. The bartender paused and said, "I'm very sorry for your loss." The guy looked puzzled and the bartender clarified, "I assumed you lost a brother, since there are only two." The guy laughed and said, "No no, I just quit drinking".

If you see an email heading that says "FWD: ATTN: We can read 'maps' backwards!!", that's just spam.