Depression is ruining my life.

For my own journey, I wanted to share that I'm having a bad case of the "Feels" today. Spoilered for a laundry list/wall of text of just all the stuff on top of me right now that I'm typing to vent/offload.

Spoiler:

Heard from a co-worker today that his father just passed away. He's an Indian immigrant and has no idea if he can get home to his family for the services. First he's got the travel and quarantine to deal with, but secondly he's got an issue with his Visa that might make it difficult to impossible for him to return the USA any time soon if he does go home.

Really made me think of my Dad so I called him out of the blue this morning to talk. We can sometimes have a distant relationship but it was nice that I was able to just tell him that I loved him, appreciated him, and missed him. I know he heard me, but he wasn't quite in a place to be able to voice something in return.

Work is absolutely brutal right now and I'm juggling way to many things. I've already dropped a few balls, and I've had to communicate that we're missing deadlines and re-aligning our priorities to get things done, but it doesn't feel good to feel like I'm not operating at 100%

I'm still struggling with quitting smoking. I successfully went quite some time during the early phase of this lockdown without cigarettes, but was very weak a few weeks ago and bought a pack. I went right back to going without and using the nicotine lozenges, but was weak again this weekend and bought another pack of cigarettes which I completely smoked in 2 short days. I'm really beating myself up over this failure and feeling very down and depressed about not being able to kick this.

My wife is now on day 4 of running a fever. While we don't think she's infected with COVID, she's certainly got some kind of a bug and has been self isolating. She is going to our provider's drive thru test site this afternoon. This puts me on day 6 of being a working dad with very little support at home and my 3 kids are starting to go feral. This also makes 3 days of sleeping alone on the couch and my back is not happy. On the plus side, I've been able to provide 3 square meals a day, made sure the minions haven't murdered each other or gotten any serious injuries, and gotten them bathed and to bed mostly on time, but man, I'm starting to wear thin.

But, I write this big wall of text with good news. I have now been alcohol free for 167 days. My journey for mental health started with me recognizing I had a problem. The professionals I talked to pointed out that my systematic use of alcohol to deal with my depression was causing me more depression and alienating those I love. By kicking that habit, I have improved my mental state and have started to be a better and more present person. This is a long journey. I'm not "fixed"; and I've learned there's not necessarily any such end state. That realization has been a big part of my own process for healing and learning to be patient with myself. I am learning and I'm doing better, and I wanted to share and thank all of you for putting up with me on this journey. Thanks.

Thank you for the kind words all. I did feel better putting it down and getting it out.

Today is Monday and I've had another non-productive morning. I need to start making calls to potential therapists this week. Pick a day and make contact.

I never got a Twitter account and I've been off of facebook for a few years. Those haven't been the problem. And I'm not normally a refresh the news person, but I feel like I can't safely ignore it right now.

I listened to the audiobook of 10% Happier two or three years ago and it resonated with me then. One of the silver linings of my old long commute was being able to get in a lot of audiobooks and podcasts. I went out and bought a handful of books about buddhism and meditation afterwards, but never followed up and read them.

Thank you Stele for the tip about Employee assistance. I hope we have something like that and I'll look into it.
Zoso, I also appreciate the tip about seeking out psychiatrist from the start. My sister echoed that sentiment as she's grappled with some of these issues as well, and adult ADHD. That should help narrow the list of potential treatment providers. The list was looking quite long.

I haven't felt the need to post on this forum for a long time. I thought a combination of medication, meditation, and counseling would mean I wouldn't feel like this again. I'm so worried that I've made a mistake somewhere with one of my clients that I'm vomiting at night, fearing getting up again the next day, and in constant semi-panic during the work day. I'm missing out on all the good time I could be having with my three kiddos and wife at night because I'm gaming/watching videos to dull all the feelings. I snap and shout at my kids (all really good kids, all under 8) and then snuggle in with them and cry at night for feeling like I'm failing them. My wife is wonderful when times like this come around, but I feel guilty for needing that kind of "care".

I have a bipolar disorder and know that this is going to happen from time to time. There's just such a wide gulf between knowing it and believing it in the moment. I'm terrified of losing my job (been a consultant for 14 years at the same firm) for no reason other than I believe that I've made a mistake somewhere someone's going to catch and they'll be so disgusted they'll can my ass. I feel like I'm one false move from being on the streets (none of which is rational, I know). Impostor syndrome combined with mental mischief mean that I'm just counting the days until Friday afternoon, the only time I feel safe (with two days off ahead of me).

Thank you all for just letting me rant. I know I'm in a hole and I know there's a way out with time, but damn if it isn't my least favorite part of my reality.

(Hugs)

My best friend is bipolar. It’s a tough disease.
Sounds like you are aware that this is the disease talking. That’s good.
You’ve got good support and you’re getting treatment. You’re doing the right things.
Hang in there!

And I’m doing better since my last posting.

I just want to post something that has really been helping me on this journey, and it's a YouTube channel that I've been listening to for about a couple of years now that plays instrumental music composed by this guy Peder B. Helland in Norway with the channel name of Soothing Relaxation. He has three live streams that run 24 hours a day. Here is one of them:

He also has many videos that are anywhere between 1 hour to even around 12 hours long.

The music is wonderful for meditation, studying, sleeping, relaxing, etc. And the videos that coincide with the music are peaceful beautiful scenes.

I have a daily spiritual practice that includes meditation, and I almost always have this channel on in the background through it and even throughout the day, except when I'm doing a guided meditation or something that requires silence. It along with giraffe and other animal cams along with habitual practice of spiritual disciplines has really helped me.

Considering the current state of my house, and my lower energy level, I'm still not where I want to be, but I compare where I am now to where I was four years ago, the difference is big. Maybe even brain-cell changing and hormone settling big.

Everyone is different so what works for one person may not work for another, but since I was thinking about it, I thought I would post in case it might help someone else, but I really do like this guy's channel and I even recently bought one of his CD's (digital download in my case) just in case he ever goes away from YouTube!

bekkilyn wrote:

I just want to post something that has really been helping me on this journey, and it's a YouTube channel that I've been listening to for about a couple of years now that plays instrumental music composed by this guy Peder B. Helland in Norway with the channel name of Soothing Relaxation. He has three live streams that run 24 hours a day. Here is one of them:

He also has many videos that are anywhere between 1 hour to even around 12 hours long.

The music is wonderful for meditation, studying, sleeping, relaxing, etc. And the videos that coincide with the music are peaceful beautiful scenes.

I have a daily spiritual practice that includes meditation, and I almost always have this channel on in the background through it and even throughout the day, except when I'm doing a guided meditation or something that requires silence. It along with giraffe and other animal cams along with habitual practice of spiritual disciplines has really helped me.

Considering the current state of my house, and my lower energy level, I'm still not where I want to be, but I compare where I am now to where I was four years ago, the difference is big. Maybe even brain-cell changing and hormone settling big.

Everyone is different so what works for one person may not work for another, but since I was thinking about it, I thought I would post in case it might help someone else, but I really do like this guy's channel and I even recently bought one of his CD's (digital download in my case) just in case he ever goes away from YouTube!

Hope you don't mind me sharing over to the Coronavirus Coping thread, it seems very applicable!

Mr GT Chris wrote:

Hope you don't mind me sharing over to the Coronavirus Coping thread, it seems very applicable!

Share away!

Can confirm that things like this help. That channel is particularly lovely, Bekkilyn. I’ll add it to my rotation. This is my current go to album that I fall asleep to frequently.

Yours seems like it would be a mood lifter. Mine is for when I need to calm down and sleep.

Thanks Bekkilyn. I listened to multiple hours of those mixes while getting work done the last couple of days. Not the livestream but some other mixes. They're great background music.

On a more personal note I called 3 psychiatrists and 5 therapists last week. I got calls back from 1 psychiatrist who had no openings until mid-August and 2 therapists.

I didn't hit it off with the first therapist. He did a lot of listening but there was no push and pull to the conversation.

It went much better with the second therapist and we set an appointment for this week. I came away feeling a little better, like at least I have a direction to move in.

This may be old news to some of you but he recommended a podcast, Being Well with Dr. Rick Hanson. I gave it a listen and it seems decent. It didn't set off any pseudoscience alarm bells at least.
One of his recent guests was Laurie Santos, who also hosts the Happiness Lab podcast and teaches psychology at Yale. I'd coincidentally listened one of her podcasts just recently that was hosted on Malcom Gladwell's podcast feed.

Before that I had really enjoyed season 2 of Michael Lewis's Against The Rules podcast on coaching. The topic has always resonated with me, I've always been interested in coaching and he does such a good job with any topic he handles.

Perhaps the universe is suggesting something. I listened to 3 or 4 Hanson / Santos podcasts over the weekend. I think I need to slow down my intake to identify and reflect on what I've got going on. The topics start to run together and become less distinct when listening to many episodes in a row.

bekkilyn wrote:

Share away!

Thanks always for your contributions!

I don't feel like I have the bandwidth to write up a full post of how I'm feeling, but I'm sharing a lot of the feelings of others here. And this is despite working harder and with more focus for the last 18 months than I have at any time in my life. A lot of things outside my control and a lot of unknowns that could end up really really good or really really bad and they've been hovering in the "happening in the next couple weeks" time frame for the last 2-3 months (and a separate period of the same 5 months ago). The stress is really taking it's toll although I've managed through it very well.

I'm just really really looking forward to this period being over no matter which way it goes. But this Sword of Damocles bullsh*t is really getting old.

So I wrote an article on linkedin that deals with exercises that can help you identify negativity and negative voices that are effecting you. This does not replace a therapist or medication but it can remove frustration at least from not understanding environmental influences. Plus, the exercises promote relaxation from proper breathing and maintaining focus.
I'll spoiler it due to length:

Spoiler:

Stress and Negativity: The Miracle Cure for the Low Low Price of 2 Cents

About a year ago I wrote an article on simple tips for better public speaking. We are in really tough times right now so I wanted to adapt those actor techniques to deal with depression, frustration and to better help us understand ourselves. I also wanted to highlight a particular exercise that is universally helpful and modify it so that we can do it at home, on social media or zoom.

Some Most All

Meditation, yoga and scanning are great techniques for significantly reducing stress, creating better relationships and removing motivation obstacles. Each is listed in ascending order of accessibility and influence. Each also complements the other so there is no need to focus more on one and there is no pattern or order to be followed.

No Body Work

One power of meditation is that it can be done ranging from on a bus ride to at a noise and temperature controlled room with a guide and music or chanting. The key goals of meditation are rhythmic deep breathing practice and canceling the chaos in your head. Some body benefits come from the stillness but both yoga and scanning have more powerful effects on the body.

Planked

All of the positive breathing effects of meditation are in yoga as well with the added benefit of aerobic exercise. Tell me if I am wrong, but I am pretty sure you shouldn’t do yoga on a bus ride. You will get the most benefit with a mat during a guided class. You will be surprised how simple yet strenuous the “plank” position is. (my favorite)

Two Pronged Attack

Aside from aerobic exercise, yoga has deeper effects on the body. You have probably heard the phrase “carrying your stress around with you” and you need to understand its deeper impact on your body. Yoga attacks this in a couple of ways: physically working out the tension and taking back control and focus from the stress and negativity. Working out the tension is obvious but taking back control is a double win. You are not allowing random and fragmented frustration to control you. And you are giving your body a constructive singular purpose.

All of the Above

What is scanning and why is it stronger than yoga and meditation? Scanning is a basic actor exercise that has a goal to get you to an actor “neutral” state. Other actors will perhaps recognize scanning by another name but the goal of actor “neutral” is to not just empty your mind, foster stillness, or give you back control of your body, but to empty yourself. You clear out everything weighing you down so that you can piece together information about a character to fill yourself up. The phrase stepping in to a character can mean taking a literal step forward into an imaginary character waiting there like a skin to put over yourself.

Quadruple Win

You may be wondering what actor “neutral” has to do with relieving stress and mind blocks. Again, it is on the path of doing what meditation and yoga do. Plus you are releasing what is holding you back while filling it with focus and control. I don’t know if that is a triple or quadruple win at this point. But I also forgot to detail what that control and focus is. That character that you step into? Yup, that is the better you on your terms. It is not magic but with as little as a dozen hours practice the difference will be noticeable.

Neutrality

Scanning involves perception/awareness and manageable discomfort. The first step is to practice the actor “neutral” stance. You are standing in comfortable shoes with feet shoulder width apart, and arms loose at your sides. Your head is down and your eyes are closed while you take deep breaths. Your knees should not be locked so slightly bend them. If you are fidgeting your fingers, take a deep breath and shake out your arms and shoulders for a few seconds to try and relax them at your sides. Flex your stomach, breath in through your nose and make a hissing “s” sound from your mouth to make sure you are using your diaphragm when you are breathing. The diaphragm is where you can unlock incredible power with your words and how actors reach the back of the theatre without a microphone.

Scanning Photos

The next step has much more impact with another actor in person but unfortunately that isn’t a possibility. So I think I have an alternative that can be done alone. Do an image search for any fully body person that is standing as still as possible, with their arms as close to their sides as you can find and without a dramatic expression. From the “neutral” position, lift your head and open your eyes to observe the picture of the person. Start with the top of the head and work your way down to the feet acknowledging the features of that person. Say to yourself or out loud if you have privacy “I am aware of” the person’s features. “I am aware of the hair. I am aware of the forehead. I am aware of the shirt collar. I am aware of the belt.” etc.

No Judgement

It is critical to not judge or describe the features. So don’t call it a blue shirt, pretty hair or old shoes. Just call it a shirt, hair or shoes. Another way to look at it is to be aware of the hair part but do not describe the hair as parted if that makes sense. Also be sure to be aware of each shoulder but don’t describe them as left shoulder and right shoulder. You describe the person by acknowledging its features but not embellishing on them. The reason this is more effective in person is that the actors stand face to face, and nearly toe to toe and become aware of each other at the same time. This is very uncomfortable at first but after a few hours, you realize your discomfort is counterproductive and doesn’t need to halt your growth.

Specificity

As you practice scanning, you will naturally get more specific. You will notice body language, and rather than become aware of the shirt, you become aware of its threading, buttons, items in pockets. You won’t call the shirt wrinkled but you will note each specific wrinkle. You can then look at the entire photo and acknowledge/except everything in it.

Change

Once you get comfortable with that level of awareness specificity, you realize that all of these things you acknowledge tell a story of the person and their situation. You become aware of others who may be more comfortable doing and saying things that you no longer want to discomfort you. Then you realize that you are becoming more aware of yourself. And just like becoming a character by becoming aware of it, you can become aware of things that are easier than you thought to change that you want to change. I am aware that I don’t need to hold on to this. I am aware that I can spend my time and energy playing with my kids/pet instead of the frustration of having my hours cut back. I am aware that my friend is far less critical of me than I am of myself. I can change that. I can change.

When I came back from Australia after another episode of nerve pain, insomnia, extreme weight loss (35lbs in 5 days) and suicidal thoughts one of the main things my psychologist and I talked about was social isolation. Prior to all of this I had been alone with my wife out of town, working weird hours on trying to find a new job after my contract ended.

She believed that part of the reason my nervous system went haywire was because I had gotten off track in terms of structure. So one thing we vowed to do was keep my structure intact. Even if I didn’t love my job, keep going to it until I had some place better to be. Go into the office on a regular schedule (instead of working remotely), because the human interaction seemed to help keep me on a baseline.

The last 4 months have been really challenging and I finally hit a wall this week. After 3 weeks of awful pain and a month of pain medication to tolerate that pain, I can feel depression kicking in. And the commute from my bed to my home office isn’t enough structure. The days all being mushy is really getting to me. I have to figure something out before this gets worse.

DS,

I know things suck! Please hang in there. Everybody here is rooting for you.

You mentioned nerve pain, pain medication, and suicidal ideation. By any chance are you taking gabapentin or something closely related to it? I was prescribed gabapentin to treat nerve pain and it sent me into a dark spiral which included suicidal ideation. Turns out, gabapentin and it’s related medicines cause extreme depression and suicidal thoughts in a small percentage of people. I stopped taking the gaba and a few days later returned to a better state of mind.

I hope that helps.

The medication I was just on was an opiate. The pain I was talking about was a pinched nerve from lifting something incorrectly. So this isn't the kind of depression I experienced in Australia. I'm not ideating, to be really clear. What I'm experiencing right now is more of a general low-energy, difficulty focusing depression related to chemical changes coming off the opiate pain medication.

I always seem to go through a version of this when I have to take opiate pain medication and usually I'm okay in the long run. It's just made more difficult by not having access to my usual supports (swimming, acupuncture, massage, socializing).

The medication I was in the process of quitting in Australia is similar to Gabapentin, but in that case it's more about my system's reaction to coming off the medication. So this isn't that.

Thanks for the concern and the heads up, though. I know Gabapentin can definitely be hard on some people.

I’m just really missing my structure that was so good for me after all of that. Sorry if I scared anyone there.

Cleaned up two posts into one post

DSGamer wrote:

And the commute from my bed to my home office isn’t enough structure. The days all being mushy is really getting to me. I have to figure something out before this gets worse.

I am absolutely feeling this as well. I did work from home for about 2 months but then I fell apart. I couldn't keep staring at the same walls at home.

I've been going in to the office for the last 2 months but it's basically me and 3 other people, and it's a bare minimum of contact. It's a little better than not seeing anyone but it's not enough.

I wish I had an answer or alternative to offer but lacking that I've got a lot of empathy for your struggle DS.

For what it is worth, I have had severe intermittent pain under my right shoulder blade for 2 weeks now. It aches and then if I reach for something or look up, the pain flares up to the worst pain I have ever had (the worst I've had before is a hairline fractured wrist in highschool) that shoots down my right arm.
I've been to the emergency room and to an orthopedist. The xrays were clear of any compressed joints or arthritis so they think it is a pinched nerve.

Being completely frustrated I found something called a TENS machine online. Transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation is what it stands for.
I will just say that it works for the pain. It is supposed to increase blood flow and reduce inflammation also but I can't really verify that. What it does do is numb the pain and remove the flare ups better than advil or salonpas patches. And the best part is that you can use it in conjunction with advil and salonpas.

I am trying to schedule physical therapy but that is proving cumbersome during the pandemic.

edit: sorry for the minor tangent but I thought that it might be an area where you could find some relief or at least discuss with your doctor about.
side note: going for walks are the easiest way I have found to add structure to my life. I also take mini road trips to one corner of our city in an empty lot where I can sit in my car with the windows rolled down and look out at the bay with my dog.

On the pinched nerve I’m feeling much better now. Because of the pandemic it took a bit until I both felt comfortable and could see a PT. So that’s why I even had to take pain medication.

The pain was in my elbow, tricep and wrist, so I had no clue it was a pinched nerve. I’ll definitely consider getting a TENS machine either way. I used ICE, heat and a tennis ball combined with manipulation by the physical therapist. Knowing what I know now, though, if it flares up and I don’t feel comfortable going to the PT, I know from past experiences that electrical stimulation can help with blood flow.

At the time I just genuinely thought I’d torn my tricep or something like that.

As far as the structure goes, I was doing walks for a while. That helped a little, but once I was in pain and off schedule I stopped my walks. I was also riding my bike for a while. Same thing. I’m back at it now, though. It’s still not enough so far.

DS, do you have a friend who works the same hours as you? If you have a second screen/tablet/phone you could arrange to video call each other for the work day and just leave the screen somewhere. Sort of simulating having a desk buddy or coworker sitting opposite you.

Content warning: suicide.

Spoiler:

A friend of mine died by suicide a week ago. I mostly lost touch with him a few years back when life kind of took us down different paths. Eventually just became one of those facebook-only friends. He was such a great guy though. No matter where he was, he was always the nicest guy in the room. He'd spot when people felt left out, or down and he'd always make them feel included or cheer them up. Just such a great guy and this world is worse place without him in it. So many people loved him, I still can't believe it.

His death has launched a whirlwind of emotions and I'm really, really struggling, and it just seems like there's no one I can talk to.

I had a close friend from college who went off to grad school and never stopped his self-destructive drinking and smoking to excess. I had not seen him in about 3 years; we spoke once or twice but his boyfriend was very jealous and I could only catch him when his SO was not there to lie to me lol. I eventually gave up calling.

He got a teaching position, and moved to the new university, but died in his first semester there of massive organ failure. I was pretty broken up because I didn't find out for a few months and felt like I had no chance to say goodbye or anything. It was about 20 years before I found out more than "he got sick and died suddenly".

It really upset me for a while. I would make my yearly donations to the college in his name, sometimes I'd ask my college friends if they knew what happened, that sort of thing, after the initial shock faded. I didn't want people to forget him. What finally settled it for me - as I said, decades later - was being able to get in touch with some people who knew him and finding out what actually happened, in general terms. They were able to describe something of his mindset and his choices, which was somehow reassuring.

Maybe talking to someone who knew him well in his last weeks would help? Talk it out with someone who shares your feelings in that way? And if there's a way to memorialize him, maybe keep his name alive in some small community of friends, maybe that would help too. Plant a tree with a plaque, for example. (Often in the US, you can pay a fee and do that in a park, or dedicate a bench or something.)

You'll get past this but I know from experience that it hurts for quite a while. Just have to find a way to talk to someone when it gets rough. Even a therapist might be a good choice.

Good luck! It will pass.

I can't recommend group therapy enough.
Grief is meant to be shared albeit it is best in a respectful way and in a safe environment.
It is to our detriment that we try to contain it within ourselves. We are not the only ones feeling this way. Finding that out and truly understanding it is crucial to our mental health.

The elephants have it right. (and have been doing it a lot longer) Have you every seen a video of elephants grieving? They are pack animals but something we forget is that so are we.

This isn't meant to be targeted at anyone and is sent to the group as a whole. Do not take it as a directive for any individual forum goer.

Robear wrote:

Maybe talking to someone who knew him well in his last weeks would help? Talk it out with someone who shares your feelings in that way? And if there's a way to memorialize him, maybe keep his name alive in some small community of friends, maybe that would help too. Plant a tree with a plaque, for example. (Often in the US, you can pay a fee and do that in a park, or dedicate a bench or something.)

Thanks for your words, it's nice and it's been really helpful.

On this part particularly, I reached out to someone that was a lot closer to him. It helped a lot. We've talked about doing things to memorialise him, or other things we can do. There's a thing in Australia called R U OK Day. We're brainstorming ideas on doing something extra special to memorialise him around that date. I kind of hate the 'fellow kids' feel of the name of that day, but the message is really essential - check in on your mates, even if they seem ok. I think Australians have inherited that British "stiff upper lip" and combined with our own "she'll be right" attitude to create something truly disastrous for mental health.

Spoiler:

From what other friends closer to him have said, there was no warning signs. Not even an inkling that he was even feeling down. It's completely blindsided everyone. If he had have said something to any one of us, we'd have done anything we could for him. I mean, he had to have known it? Surely? Maybe that's part of it, he didn't want to burden anyone. That's just like him.

It's always good to know that you're not alone in your surprise and dismay. I'm glad you found someone to talk to. That memorial idea, that sounds really good.

I've been kind of down lately too, what with everything going on, and it's good to know I can still do some good for others. I know it's selfish but sometimes you have to feel like you're having an impact beyond your own life.

True. And often the best kind is the stuff that creeps up on you. I am often surprised when someone seeks me out after not seeing me for a while and comments on something I told them at the time. It is almost embarrassing because I don't really expect that people are listening to what I say like that. It is also humbling in that I am certainly no expert at having my life in order to be giving others advice. Sometimes I am surprised I even said something like that.

Every now and then I am confronted with something I said 5+ years ago on this board and it takes me a while to recognize that it sounds like me. Reading prior posts for context helps a bit.

fangblackbone wrote:

True. And often the best kind is the stuff that creeps up on you. I am often surprised when someone seeks me out after not seeing me for a while and comments on something I told them at the time. It is almost embarrassing because I don't really expect that people are listening to what I say like that. It is also humbling in that I am certainly no expert at having my life in order to be giving others advice. Sometimes I am surprised I even said something like that.

Every now and then I am confronted with something I said 5+ years ago on this board and it takes me a while to recognize that it sounds like me. Reading prior posts for context helps a bit.

I know if I went back and read some of my previous rants on this site from earlier years on this site, I'd probably be thinking, "Wow, I was really in a place, wasn't I?"

The best is when a thread gets necroed from several years back and the new post quotes you. You read the quote not knowing it is you and then read the response before saying "wait a minute" and "OMG that was me!"

UMOarsman wrote:

I'm missing out on all the good time I could be having with my three kiddos and wife at night because I'm gaming/watching videos to dull all the feelings. I snap and shout at my kids (all really good kids, all under 8) and then snuggle in with them and cry at night for feeling like I'm failing them.

There is nothing, nothing, nothing that can EVER replace the time you have now with your children. Do whatever you have to to make this your priority. What. Ever. You. Have. To. There is no other option.