Depression is ruining my life.

MathGoddess wrote:

Sure doesn’t feel that way.

Thanks.

I know it doesn't feel that way, but that sounds like you got a lot accomplished in spite of not feeling well. It's okay to not feel okay. Hang in there.

bekkilyn wrote:

MathGoddess, you are amazing!!

fangblackbone wrote:

I concur. You ARE amazing!

MathGoddess wrote:

Sure doesn’t feel that way.

Thanks.

I totally get how you’re feeling. Depression sucks.

I'm not sure if it is the depression, anxiety, 2020 in general or some combination of the above but I've found myself struggling a lot more recently. The sense of dread, the feeling in your chest like it's about to move to your tear ducts. Every little thing being a sign that what you do is not good enough. Nothing you do is enough, and no one really believes you deserve any successes you have. Every failure is catastrophic. Even the most basic interaction with others is really hiding a deeper, more upsetting meaning.

None of this has been proven. In fact, there isn't much reason to believe it at all. People have failures, shortcomings and weaknesses; it doesn't mean they are failures as people, employees or partners. I'm not a stranger to these feelings, or to the level of severity that they feel right now. Of late, that knowledge and experience has been of less help, less frequently, than I am used to.

I woke up this morning with the heaviness I think most with depression recognize. As soon as I went to get out of bed to try logging into work I started to cry. I finally called in, but I can't stop answering emails on my phone because I am worried how it will look. I meant to take Friday off, but wound up working the full day even as I had approval from my boss to take it. I hate the lack of boundaries having my workstation in my house has brought, and my inability to take control of it myself. I aim for gratitude, to be happy I have a job that has helped keep me safe by allowing me to work from home. Instead, I feel guilt for feeling this way when others are forced to be out in the middle of the pandemic, or would trade to just have a job at all.

I know these feelings aren't unique to me and many are struggling with the various happenings of this year. I just feel of late that I am having a harder time maintaining control of my emotional response to them.

Sorry to hear about your struggles, Auronthor. A "combination of the above" certainly seems possible. I read symptoms I've experienced and associate with both depression and anxiety in your post.

Besides a general "I've been there, too," a couple thoughts:

Working from home is a big adjustment for many. Be kind to yourself as you get used to it. And just because you're struggling to set boundaries between work time and free time doesn't mean you're ungrateful for having a job.

For me, it was recognizing, as you have, that my feelings didn't logically match my circumstances that really convinced me that depression and anxiety were a disease and not something I should just "get over." Especially with the anxiety. I don't know if you've sought out professional help, but if not, I'd recommend it. I personally really benefited from it.

Yes, the feelings are not unique to you, other people have it worse, etc., but try not to take that as a reason to dismiss or diminish the importance of what you're experiencing.

Well this has been a fun few months medically speaking. My one positive is that the meds are working. On the downside this means I don't get to sleep though the auras any more.

Yesterday was a bad day medically. So today I get to be awake and aware as my brain and body try to return to normal.

I am worn down to the point that I don't know why I get up in the morning other than its what I am supposed to do.

Maybe next year will be better.

Auronthor wrote:

I know these feelings aren't unique to me and many are struggling with the various happenings of this year. I just feel of late that I am having a harder time maintaining control of my emotional response to them.

I know how you feel, even though I don't live near the epicenter of the current police state unrest. You've got to allow yourself to feel bad, mental health illnesses are illnesses, you can take time off for them. Also, remember that it doesn't matter if the situation sucks, or you just feel like it sucks - they are both valid! You can be depressed during good times or bad times, I try to see the bad times as a chance for everyone else to feel the way I do most of the time. It can be nice to have company (but usually just in my mind, I don't want to actually spend time with most people, I just feel a little better knowing that I'm not suffering alone).
I keep wanting to join the protests, make something useful of my time out of work, but between the unexpected and largely uncontrollable tears and the fear that my anger would get me to lash out and make everything worse, I can't bring myself to go voice my displeasure. Then I feel worse because I am being one of the white people who sits quietly aside while Bad Things happen. It can be hard to forgive myself for being like this. I have to constantly remind myself that living with sickness and taking precautions is not the same as weakness, but it can be hard to remember.

I don't really have any encouragement to give, nor am I seeking any sort of support or affirmation, but just in the interest of venting...

f*cking hell but this year has been absolute murder on my anxiety. We've upped the dosage on my medication twice already because the sheer constant stress and worry accumulating with seemingly each passing day is enough that I feel like I'm constantly fighting against a straight-up nervous breakdown. And while I am incredibly fortunate to still have my job (which is thankfully currently work-from-home), we've had many of our benefits suspended and pay has been temporarily cut for everyone (leadership has been super transparent all along and are taking higher percent cuts than anyone else), the sheer level of anxiety I'm struggling with has made it a daily struggle just to maintain some vestige of focus. I know I'm not performing anywhere near my normal level of productivity or competence -- I'm application support and frequently forgetting how to implement certain changes and getting processes mixed up between different clients -- and that just amplifies my fears of losing my job which would trigger a spiral of panic that, well... that's where I slam the brakes on my thought processes because they lead to a very bad end that's better left unthought and unsaid.

So much fear, so much anger, and nowhere to channel any of it.

Anyway, if anyone else out there is struggling similarly, know you aren't alone. I hope we can get through this.

Hoo, did I have a night last night!

-Starting around 5pm I experienced what I could only call is propping-myself-up fatigue.
The world is in such an abnormal, crazy and dark place that my tendency to spread kindness or always look for the bright side has gone into mega-overdrive for months.

-It crashed last night and with that came an influx of every negative thought my brain could come up with:
You are failing and going to keep failing
You are stuck
Your frustration is not justified because you haven't earned it and you never follow through anyway
You aren't good nor good enough
All your opportunities are going to disappear
Why even try?
Everything you do is a waste
(Plus a lot of political negativity, losses and the worst outcomes or my family, country and the world)

-Sleep was not good last night but the voices are gone. When that stuff comes, it takes a few days to remove the lingering bitter taste and body numbness.

-I really hope the buzz surrounding the importance of mental health resources and infrastructure sticks. I can only imagine what people who deal with this daily or on a regular basis are going through.

Yeah, buddy. I feel you. The voices are very, very tough to deal with. I have at least one night a week where I am overwhelmed with negativity and mentally beat myself up. Always that I am not good enough, that I don't do enough, that I'm failing my family and myself.

My therapist has pushed me to "re-frame" my thoughts. To get into a conversation with my voices and point out things that I have accomplished, or that I am doing well. This has not worked for me, as it seems my brain doesn't want to parse positive things lately, but perhaps it may work for you.

Fang and Guy,

You are enough. Believe that!

I’ve also been working on reframing my self criticism. I got this idea from a Brene Brown book. My usual self talk would be, I’m such a f*cking idiot! But now I try reframe that as, Ok. I made a big mistake. Everyone makes mistakes from time to time. One point that Brene makes is with the example of something like, I’m such a f*cking idiot!, is to ask yourself, “Would I talk to someone I love that way? My wife, child or good friend?” Of course not. So in order to practice self love, I need to change that inner dialogue.

Another point: The I’m an idiot dialogue isn’t something i can easily come back from. That kind of talk is crippling. What I want to do is to bounce back as quickly as I can. In contrast, “I made a big mistake.” is self talk that I can rebound from. It implies that I can try to fix what I messed up and also learn how to not make that mistake in the future.

Brene Brown is legit. Her books are based on her own scientific research. She’s an amazing researcher and author.

Yes. Examining how I was internally talking to my self was a huge step for me in my mental health. It took time to change the habit and I’m still not 100% years later, but just recognizing the way I was mentally abusing myself, even writing down some of it for a while, was a big eye opener. And even small changes in that habit made a huge difference.

steinkrug wrote:

Yes. Examining how I was internally talking to my self was a huge step for me in my mental health. It took time to change the habit and I’m still not 100% years later, but just recognizing the way I was mentally abusing myself, even writing down some of it for a while, was a big eye opener. And even small changes in that habit made a huge difference.

Apologies is advance for being obsessed with Brene Browns work.

Brene suggests having a rumble journal, where you write about issues that you’re rumbling with. She also suggests making a SFD (sh*tty first draft) when writing in your rumble journal. The idea of a SFD is that you get all of the things you’re feeling down on paper as soon as you can. It’s not supposed to be pretty and it’s not for anyone else but yourself. In your SFD you’re allowed to be extremely critical of yourself. Let all of those basal fight or flight feelings come out.

After a few hours or a few days, (when you’re no longer in a swirling emotional sh*t storm), you should review what you’ve written and attempt to recontextualize into a more constructive type of self talk.

I did this for the first time a few days ago, and it really helped me.

Normally I am fine with birthdays. I don't really celebrate because I don't really have any attachment to them. If someone wants to do something I am happy to make a small get together tops.

Now this year is a perfectly placed one. I already lack energy and Mondays/Tuesdays are usually the worst days of the week for that. Then there is the pandemic. I don't have the energy to sound happy.

I am not sure if my meds are messing with me today but it feels like someone may be going on a joy ride through my brain today.

Let's hope everyone texts or emails.

On a happy note the Animal Crossing birthday thing is very cute.

Hey, Stealthpizza, Happy Birthday. Just do you, buddy. If you don't want to talk to anyone on your birthday, feel no guilt about turning off your phone, or specifically not answering if it rings. Just try and find one positive thing that makes you happy today and reward yourself with that. You deserve happiness. We all do.

Except for that asshole who let his dog take a big sh*t on my lawn at some point last night or this morning and didn't pick it up. f*ck that guy.

One thing that has been helping me this year is a calendar of daily affirmations. Earlier in the year, the publisher Hay House had a sale going on and if you bought something like $20 of stuff, they would throw in a free 365 calendar (one of those where you tear off a new page each day) and it has an affirmation written on it for that day. Well there had been some things I had wanted to buy and was waiting for the sale, so I got those and also the free calendar, and I just have the calendar next to where I usually sit to play games and just having that happy, positive statement there visible, and new one each day, has actually been helpful.

There are also decks of affirmation cards that are available where you draw one each day or whenever you need something positive, and since they are cards, they can just be used over and over.

They aren't going to cure anything necessarily, but can be helpful in moving our thoughts in a better direction.

Except for that asshole who let his dog take a big sh*t on my lawn at some point last night or this morning and didn't pick it up. f*ck that guy.

It was me.
Sorry

fangblackbone wrote:
Except for that asshole who let his dog take a big sh*t on my lawn at some point last night or this morning and didn't pick it up. f*ck that guy.

It was me.
Sorry :(

And it wasn’t a dog... :barf:

I'm not doing so good. I had a back injury then I lifted some stuff and made it worse. It's all my fault. I don't know if I'm going to need surgery or not. I did this to myself

I'm dreading going back to work on Monday. If I'm not fit for work, how will I pay rent. I'll never qualify for disability and I dunno that I can handle living in a share house again. It's all pretty bleak.

Crap! That sucks!

Are you sure that you won’t qualify for disability?

Hello all. I don't know if I have depression but I suspect I do. I've thought for the last decade that I have seasonal affective disorder as I often feel extra bleak coming out of winter and waiting for spring (I'm in the pacific northwest). There's more to it than that, but there's a wall of text incoming below, so in the nominal spirit of brevity I'm glossing over prior years.

We've all been experiencing 2020 together. It's been overwhelming.
I vascillate between grateful and guilty about having a job while so many others have lost theirs.

Whatever coping systems I have are not up to the demands of this moment. I think anxiety is playing a bigger role than depression at the moment.

Spoiler:

Pre-Covid, my mother had a heart attack (and survived, thankfully, but it is still a big scare). My wife lost her job this spring, not due to covid, but due to the greed of people in charge who ran a school into the ground. I have a toddler and another child on the way in a few months. Despite how silly it seems in this list of personal events, Kobe Bryant's sudden death affected me profoundly and unexpectedly. Celebrity deaths don't normally rock me, but Kobe's did. And last summer I left a job and co-workers that loved to take a job that is closer to home, trading a bad commute for a short one, and a new job with more flexibility and importantly, better for me to be present with my family. But the work is less interesting and the office is significantly less social.

And since George Floyd was casually and coldly murdered by a police officer, in front of a crowd that was recording him while imploring him to show the slightest shred of humanity (not even decency) - it's been even more overwhelming trying to confront the enormity of how deeply ingrained systemic racism is in this country, and not knowing what I can do to improve it. Along with that is trying to grapple with the understanding that I've been the beneficiary of a system rigged in my favor, or at least not actively rigged against me because of the color of my skin, which is functionally the same thing.

For the first 6 or so weeks of work from home (mid March through the end of April) I think I was managing. Maybe I had reserves built up or there is another reason, but I was able to cope with elevated anxiety in April.
In early May I kind of fell apart. Among all the other stress and anxiety, losing the structure of the office left me even more adrift.
I was "working from home" but for a solid week barely got anything done. That's never happened to me before. I've had days where I was not very productive, but never a string of them, and definitely never for a full week.

I talked with good friend about what was going on and pulled out of that rut, at least partially.
I was able to work in the office again, because I was completely unable to focus at home with a toddler running around. That helped, but only to a point. I have been able to work again, but only at maybe 40-50% of what I could normally do. I go into the office, but I have trouble waking up early. I arrive later than i used to, and I spend the first hour or two playing a mobile game, or on discord (getting in a small amount of socializing), or reading the news or flipping through forums. More than once I've gotten in a rut where I just cycle back and forth between those things because I can't get myself to focus on work. I'm physically putting in the hours at work but I'm not mentally there.

I think what caught my attention (belatedly) was having my daughter ask me how work was every night when I come home. She asks with sweet intentions, to mimic something her mom regularly asks. I immediately tense up and shut down. "I don't want to talk about work" is about the best I can manage. If I had been feeling joy (which is rare these days, but I do feel that way with my daughter) it quickly evaporates.
I don't want to be this person who can't talk to my own daughter about a regular and normal part of my life.

My boss has talked with me about my drop in productivity, which has lasted months now, but his tone has been reassuring. He's asked if there's anything they can do to help, and he offloaded some of my assignments.

I don't think I'm imminent danger of losing my job, but I am terrified it will happen anyways. When I'm feeling truly pessimistic I imagine it happening right around when the baby comes. So I need to figure out a better way to manage this anxiety. I'm suddenly the only source of income for my family and the only source of health insurance as well.

I have dropped more than a couple of deadlines. It hasn't been catastrophic, but I'm not keeping up with basic administrative tasks. My job is all mental and analytical. I sometimes wish it was more rote and physical, because I imagine that would be easier to manage. It's gotten to the point where I can barely check my work email because I know it's going to have time bombs in it waiting to blow up. And when it inevitably does I have co-workers emailing that they asked me about this X days ago and never got a response from me. That happened earlier today and triggered what I think must have been a panic attack.

I've thought for a few years that therapy, meditation, and/or mindfulness training would be useful. I think I'm at a point where it's past seeming useful and now seems necessary.

I recognize that I don't have the tools to cope on my own, so I talked to the same friend again and started looking through Psychology today for a therapist or counselor.

That presented a new challenge, one I hope you all might be able to help with. How do you sort through all the listings? How do you pick therapists to talk to? I've never tried therapy before.

They all seem to list the same credentials and the same handful of therapy "styles." I don't really know what I need, other than help.

Thank you for reading. Any guidance would be appreciated.

RawkGWJ wrote:

Crap! That sucks!

Are you sure that you won’t qualify for disability?

Yes, I know the criteria quite well for 'reasons'. I guess potentially two years or more from now I might if nothing changes. There's still unemployment benefits and they're infamously not that livable. Temporarily there's an extra $550pf for coronavirus, which is set to end in Sept.

Prime minister has already gone on about how high welfare is leading to people not filling jobs, despite the actual data contradicting him.

Things might turn out alright, the pain might improve and I might be ok to work. Hard not to keep imagining the worst though.

Zwickle, I just want to let you know I read your post and hear you. I was glad to see at the end that you’ve decided to pursue therapy. I think that’s a good idea and should help you sort through and cope with everything that’s going on. You’re not alone. It is a lot. And it’s okay to be struggling.

I can’t help with advice about finding someone. The times I have talked with someone professional I had limited options and don’t really have any tips. I’m sure others here can share some ideas though!

Mermaidpirate wrote:

Things might turn out alright, the pain might improve and I might be ok to work. Hard not to keep imagining the worst though.

I’ve had my own struggles with back injuries over the past 7 years, so I know how completely overwhelming that can be. I really hope you’re feeling better soon. Take care.

Zwickle, check your work insurance. A lot of them now have Employee Assistance Program or some other acronym. And you might get anywhere from 3-10 visits with a therapist to just talk, and they can evaluate whether you need more help and then recommend someone.

I think we've all had wasted days in this shift to WFH. It's different and difficult to focus. Sounds like your boss is understanding, so that's good.

Talking to someone is the first step to figuring out what is going on, so glad you are trying. Good luck.

Zwickle, you’ve worked through a lot in your mind. The journey you’re on will not have an end, but many stops along its path.

If I could go back, I’d start with a psychiatrist/therapist who would have medication as an option off the bat. Strategies from therapy, meditation, Buddhist books, all the things I tried (and do still use!!) - were unable to be REALLY put to use until I was formally diagnosed and treated with meds for ADHD/Depression/Anxiety 9 months ago.

If I can recommend an audiobook; “Ten Percent Happier” by Dan Harris - really sold me on the power of mindfulness through his story of overcoming all sorts of MindDemons.

It’s a long road, and now is a struggle to cope with, even medicated I have had some regression into poorer habits.

According to me, the best step to take now is to give permission to disconnect from news, and social media.

Leaving Twitter was probably the best decision I’ve made during the pandemic. And I thought I would miss it dreadfully!

Also, don’t feel bad about the work stuff. Not much is “normal”, “right,” or “just” now, and us empathetic people shoulder that heavily.

You ARE NOT working from home. You are/were at home, during multiple national crises, ATTEMPTING to get something resembling work done.

Things might turn out alright, the pain might improve and I might be ok to work. Hard not to keep imagining the worst though.

I am going through a weird and painful bit with my shoulder, neck and arm. I just found a moderately comfortable position after 3 days. Advil seems to work at loosening things up but it does not dull the pain at all. Doan's seemed to work on my lower back and nothing else.

For me, when it gets this bad, I use Salonpas patches. I have them on now and we will see if they help or they just numb my shoulder.

For my back, I get a lot of mileage from the yoga child's pose. In fact, often times it has cracked my back if I breath in deeply for a few minutes. (which tends to get things back in order) You also have to stretch out your arms in the pose as far as you can without pain to have it work.

I hope things work out for you.

I think I still have some underlying depression/anxiety even though I don't feel that way at all. Reason being that I just have a really difficult time being motivated for things like cleaning, even though ordinarily I don't mind cleaning and even find it to be relaxing. So even though I don't live in a hoarder type house, it's still always messy and even dirty in places, and even though I desperately want to just clean it all up, I just don't. I also don't think it's laziness. I think there is some sort of mental blockage in my mind that I haven't entirely overcome.

So what I've been doing (and it's worked successfully for me before) is to just do *something* on those days. It's not the whole house. It's not even a room, but it's *something*. Sometimes that motivates me to do more and sometimes not, but the *something* still happened.

Today, I just polished a huge, brass tabletop that was heavily tarnished (not perfect, but there is a shine back to it at least) so that I can get it back on its stand, which will now motivate me to clean the floor and surrounding area before setting the stand back up, and then put the tabletop fountain I had on it back on it. (Previously, everything has been scattered on the floor of various rooms waiting for me to get to it.) Then when it's set up, it will be at least one non-chaotic area of the room and it will have a nice, soothing fountain on it and I will be less stressed.

But the reason for all the above isn't so much to get advice, but to give it for however many pennies it's worth.

For those of you who are having productivity problems due to depression, COVID-19, physical issues, etc., just make a goal to do *something* within your capacity to do,.You may still not get to top level productivty, and in the more severe cases, it may even be something like the equivalent of dusting a tabletop, but that small something could end up being motivating for more. When you feel better, it will be much easier, but when we aren't feeling good, then we need to be kind and compassionate to ourselves.

And breathe deeply, do something physical, and drink water.

Zoso1701 wrote:

If I can recommend an audiobook; “Ten Percent Happier” by Dan Harris - really sold me on the power of mindfulness through his story of overcoming all sorts of MindDemons.

Came here to say this as well. I read the book at the same time I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder and found what he said and learned quite valuable. Hang in there, friend!

Zoso1701 wrote:

You ARE NOT working from home. You are/were at home, during multiple national crises, ATTEMPTING to get something resembling work done.

Came here to post this. Reading something similar (same point, different wording) several weeks ago really helped me put my work/feelings/productivity into context.

Zwickle, I'm so glad you shared what you're going through. A lot of times just sitting down and writing it all down can really help to get a load off your shoulders.

To bekkilyn's point about doing *something*, I want to stress that this applies to your mental health, too. Even if it's just a few minutes of deep breathing/meditation, if we can all do something that can raise our spirits even a little bit, that can make a big impact in our day to day. I've found that actually leaving the house, and going for a walk around the block while listening to music guilt free is one of the best coping skills I've acquired.