Depression is ruining my life.

Sikk..... it doesn’t matter how good you have it. The biochemistry and brain weasels can get to you. Bipolar is rough, but now you KNOW that you’ve got a brain imbalance and you can work with it. Just like you would with living with diabetes.

I’ve got a good fit with my new therapist and it has been months since I’ve wanted to be dead. Yay!!!
I’ve got perimenopause going on, so I warn husband and son as my moods are on a pendulum (Duck! It’s a mood swing!)

Just...it’s okay to be f*cked up. It sounds like you’re making good progress. It’ll suck and there’ll be backsliding, but it’s possible to manage too.

(Hugs)

Noticing what you have in your life that’s good is excellent. Being grateful is excellent. Don’t use that as a tool to beta yourself up with. Brain imbalances are real and are tough. Hang in there!

MathGoddess wrote:

Just...it’s okay to be f*cked up.

Everything you said was so good, if it was possible to like it more than once, I would. However, this right here is the permission we all need to hear sometimes and I just...thank you.

Thank you for stopping by and chiming in, Sikk. Please don't feel that we are just tolerating you. You are so welcome here and I'm glad you felt you could safely share with us.

sikk wrote:

There is hardly a day that goes by where suicide, drugs or some other form of escape doesn't run through my head. I'm now on a cocktail of drugs; Cymbalta, Lamotragine, Qietapine. I've been on and off 3 or 5 other various drugs as well. Psychiatrist is even talking about the possibility of hospitalisation and ECT.
...
Rhetoric question. How can I be so lucky and at the same time so unlucky? Why am so f*cked up? Penance for my other luck?

Hopefully your doctors will be able to figure out a combination of meds that will help you to feel more “normal”. The sooner the better. Just work with them. Sometimes you have to try a few different prescriptions before you land on one that really helps. It’s better to be on psych meds that actually help than to be masking your pain with party drugs.
...
I don’t believe in karma. There is no cosmic give and take. You aren’t suffering with mental health issues as a penance for having a good life. “Catholic Guilt” is an easy mental trap to fall into. You’ve done plenty of work to build the good life that you have. And now you are facing your mental heath issues head on. Good for you! Keep on fighting the good fight.

MathGoddess wrote:

Sikk..... it doesn’t matter how good you have it. The biochemistry and brain weasels can get to you. Bipolar is rough, but now you KNOW that you’ve got a brain imbalance and you can work with it. Just like you would with living with diabetes.

Noticing what you have in your life that’s good is excellent. Being grateful is excellent. Don’t use that as a tool to beta yourself up with. Brain imbalances are real and are tough. Hang in there!

And to put these things together: you wouldn't wonder why you have diabetes even though your life is otherwise good (at least it would be less common to wonder that).

I found it really helpful to stop thinking of the brain as some mythical place and think of it as an organ. And to think of my anxiety and depression as a disease. If I feel a sentiment about a mental illness that doesn't make sense about illness of another sort ("Cancer is a choice"), then I know to reexamine that sentiment.

I thought this was appropriate for the thread.

Thanks guys, it helps to hear the positive reinforcement. I've had a horrible few days since I posted this, but I'm coming out of the fog.

Despite my apparent Catholic Guilt, I was raised a Protestant, and am now a rabid atheist skeptic. Beats me where that came from. I believe you get from the world what you take from it.

I've been on the drug carousel for a couple years now, I'm getting tired of it. I haven't lost hope yet though.

I'm very aware that my brain is an organ that needs tending like any other. It's just so hard to put that at the front of your mind when you are looking for a way out. Last time I spoke to my counsellor she asked me how I was and "despondent" was my reply. Thankfully I am in a better place now.

Once again, you guys really help pull a guy past the black days. I appreciate this thread so much.

sikk wrote:

Despite my apparent Catholic Guilt, I was raised a Protestant, and am now a rabid atheist skeptic. Beats me where that came from. I believe you get from the world what you take from it.

Haha. Yeah. Same here. Our lizard brains are probably hard wired to make erroneous connections like that and to think we see certain patterns where there aren’t any. An evolutionary version of erring on the side of caution?

sikk wrote:

Once again, you guys really help pull a guy past the black days. I appreciate this thread so much.

+1 times a million

New 3-digit Emergency Suicide Prevention line receives unanimous vote by FCC.

No, this isn't live yet, just available for public comment, so hit up the FCC and let them know how you feel:
https://www.fcc.gov/ecfs/search/fili...

IMAGE(https://i.imgur.com/vgDf9Tj.jpg)

farley3k wrote:

New 3-digit Emergency Suicide Prevention line receives unanimous vote by FCC.

No, this isn't live yet, just available for public comment, so hit up the FCC and let them know how you feel:
https://www.fcc.gov/ecfs/search/fili...

IMAGE(https://i.imgur.com/vgDf9Tj.jpg)

I hope they accurately predict how many people to hire. Being put on hold by a recording is not be what a person in a crisis needs to hear. Or worse, a busy signal.

There's a lot of stuff going on in my house...

  • My therapist for the last 10+ years is retiring at the end of the year. I'm so happy for her, but also sad because I'm losing someone who has helped me more than I can ever describe (without writing something akin to the length of a World Book or Britannica encyclopedia set).
  • I've been working on getting my son's gender marker and name changed to match his gender expression
  • I'm also looking to get us all into family counseling, because we need to talk more

Anyway, I've known or been working on all of these for about 3 months. All of them take time & energy, but probably the first time, I didn't hesitate in prioritizing connecting with a new therapist for me. The other two will be there in January, but I have to take care of me before I continue with the rest.

So why the post? I've seen more than a few posts on here where people feel guilty telling others that they can't give more of themselves. The hard truth that you probably already know is that unless you take care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else.

The first rule in a rescue situation is not to make more victims. You can feel bad that you have less to give than people expect, but it is not selfish to prevent injury to yourself. We all have emotional energy and the levels ebb and flow, but you do not need to drain yourself dry before saying "enough, I need someone to care for me." Even if the person caring for you is you! Much love to you all!

RedJen wrote:
  • I've been working on getting my son's gender marker and name changed to match his gender expression

You are the best.

Is this what brain weasels feels like? I think this is what brain weasels would feel like.

(Don't worry, I am not in any danger to myself at all, that is not something I would ever conceive of doing, but I needed to get this out so I could get some sleep tonight)

Spoiler:

My brain just absorbed a whole bunch of sh*t today, and I am not in a good place right now.

I feel like a useless failure.

My dad has cancer and might die, and I can't do anything about that.

My mother just got out of surgery this week, and I can't do anything about that.

Phoenix has been f*cking me over since November, and I can't do anything about that. Since november, I haven't been getting paid by Phoenix. I am supposed to get paid next week (on the 24th), but it is only my regular pay, not the pay they owe me. The best estimate for my backpay because of Phoenix is at least a year. But, because of Phoenix, my credit cards (that I had managed to make some room on for the tickets) are now almost maxed out. I have one credit card with $1000 room on it, and $400 in the bank. Our plan to surprise the girls with a trip to Europe? f*cked, and I can't do anything about that.

I feel like I have failed you as a husband, my mother as her son, and Emilie and Sofia as a father.

My mother just got out of the hospital from surgery, and my finances are sh*tty enough that I cannot even go see her for a day or two.

I saw a woman tell her husband she loved him, and I realized that somehow, somewhere, I failed you. Whatever it was, I apologize. I am sorry I f*cked up your 40th birthday party. I'm sorry that I am not a good enough husband for you to want to say I love you to regularly. I am sorry that I am not a good enough husband for you to want to give kisses and hugs to. I am sorry I am not good enough in bed for you. I'm sorry.

This christmas is a failure.

I feel like a failure.

I’m really sorry to hear that, MB. Hang in there, buddy. ((hugs))

mudbunny wrote:

Is this what brain weasels feels like? I think this is what brain weasels would feel like.

(Don't worry, I am not in any danger to myself at all, that is not something I would ever conceive of doing, but I needed to get this out so I could get some sleep tonight)

Spoiler:

My brain just absorbed a whole bunch of sh*t today, and I am not in a good place right now.

I feel like a useless failure.

My dad has cancer and might die, and I can't do anything about that.

My mother just got out of surgery this week, and I can't do anything about that.

Phoenix has been f*cking me over since November, and I can't do anything about that. Since november, I haven't been getting paid by Phoenix. I am supposed to get paid next week (on the 24th), but it is only my regular pay, not the pay they owe me. The best estimate for my backpay because of Phoenix is at least a year. But, because of Phoenix, my credit cards (that I had managed to make some room on for the tickets) are now almost maxed out. I have one credit card with $1000 room on it, and $400 in the bank. Our plan to surprise the girls with a trip to Europe? f*cked, and I can't do anything about that.

I feel like I have failed you as a husband, my mother as her son, and Emilie and Sofia as a father.

My mother just got out of the hospital from surgery, and my finances are sh*tty enough that I cannot even go see her for a day or two.

I saw a woman tell her husband she loved him, and I realized that somehow, somewhere, I failed you. Whatever it was, I apologize. I am sorry I f*cked up your 40th birthday party. I'm sorry that I am not a good enough husband for you to want to say I love you to regularly. I am sorry that I am not a good enough husband for you to want to give kisses and hugs to. I am sorry I am not good enough in bed for you. I'm sorry.

This christmas is a failure.

I feel like a failure.

Everything you wrote is very reasonable and understandable.

When we experience very difficult events, we experience powerful emotions and our thoughts can reflect those emotions.

Communicating those thoughts is important. It provides us an outlet to express ourselves and it also gives others around us an opportunity to understand us a little bit better.

Don't hesitate to reach out for help (whatever that may mean or look like) and keep communicating.

I wrote a sizeable response. It became too wayward. I deleted.

*tries again*

It may sound insincere, or underserved, but you are doing great, MB. You shouldn't have to nor would you be expected to compensate for such unforseen complex circumstances. Nothing there is your fault. The blame, where there is blame, lays elsewhere. So long as the right people know that you care, and that you're trying, that will bring everyone through, together. You will rise again. Take solace in how you're navigating such stormy seas. That takes resolve.

Also, nothing is your burden to carry alone. It's difficult, especially as a man, to face financial hardship. Thinking you're coming up short. Thinking others, including your loved ones, will look at you with disappointment. That's a terribly harmful gender role placed on men where if we cannot deliver the utmost, as a resource gatherer, we're lesser than, weaker than, undeserving of, which leads to mental and emotional turmoil within our very existence. (Not to dismiss, nor diminish, the harmful gender roles placed on women as a care provider, and a home curator. That's a mighty emotional burden just the same.)

Communication is most definitely key. Unpack here, if you wish, to help get thoughts in order. Talk to those close to you. Don't go it alone. If not for your benefit then for theirs. We're no good to anyone should we suffer a breakdown.

Keep your head up. You got this.

charlemagne wrote:
RedJen wrote:
  • I've been working on getting my son's gender marker and name changed to match his gender expression

You are the best.

He's a teenager, my actual title is "The Ruiner"

RedJen wrote:

The first rule in a rescue situation is not to make more victims. You can feel bad that you have less to give than people expect, but it is not selfish to prevent injury to yourself. We all have emotional energy and the levels ebb and flow, but you do not need to drain yourself dry before saying "enough, I need someone to care for me." Even if the person caring for you is you! Much love to you all!

Truth. It's been an up-and-down year for me. Mental health wise I'm in a decent place, and I've had a few conversations about not having the bandwidth to take anyone else's emotional labor/debt on, to the point of asking to not be anyone's emergency contact.

Did go out on a down note though, and now I'm unemployed. Which unfortunately limits my mental health options now. My meds without insurance are $200 even with a discount/membership card (as opposed to $20-30). And I've stopped therapy for the first time in about 5 years, which I absolutely credit with how relatively stable I've been over that period of time.

Holidays are definitely not the ideal time to be looking for work, but I've got some savings and after an initial burst of energy (and optimism) applying places, now it's more like exercise and I have to just make sure to force myself to keep looking.

mudbunny wrote:

Is this what brain weasels feels like? I think this is what brain weasels would feel like.

Yes and yes. Brain weaselry can also be unique to the brain wearer. Mine present in a more "heffalumps and woozles", set to the most terrible music.

But glad you shared, much like many other things, better out than in.

I have finally made the difficult call to start looking into help. Since my dog died last year I have been in a spiral of depression. I know I had issues before that, but that event was what started the hard times. I have fought it, worked through it, self-medicated the sh*t out of myself, but what it all comes down to is that I can't find joy. Even though I can see and list the good things that are going on, I can't seem to find the happiness in them. I dread getting up and going to work. Then when the day is done I dread heading home.

But, here's where it's frustrating. I called to look for help, and the screener I talked to asked a ton of questions, which I answered honestly and truthfully. And once she was done asking questions she said "You may not like what I'm going to say, but before we can really get you to talk to a therapist, I think we need to get your substance abuse under control. I'm referring you to an addiction medicine specialist to get the ball rolling." So, effectively my efforts to self-medicate have hamstrung my ability to actually talk to someone to get help, and I now have to undue all the damage I've done to myself going down this rabbit hole before I can fix what's really wrong. In my current state, I literally can't help but feel like I failed to even get help for myself.

I know this is totally just my bad brain saying dumb things. I know I did the right thing to call for help. I even know that they're absolutely right, and I have to deal with my addiction issues and control my drinking and pot intake so that I can make progress. But man, it just feels sh*tty right now.

That does seems sh*tty, deferring therapy. Talking to a therapist could help with addiction issues as well. Not a doctor, but I've seen the benefit in talking to someone.

Good luck.

Hopefully the first step doesn't keep you out of therapy too long.

I'm proud of you for recognizing that you need help and taking the steps to get it. I just went through contacting new therapists after my short-term EAP arrangement was coming to a close, so I get how tough a process it can be. I'm sorry that the first thing you were met with looks like another wall, but I think you know that it's just the first rope they've dropped into the hole for you.

And I want to reiterate: I'm proud of you for taking this step.

You should call back and demand that you see a therapist as well as an addiction specialist. The worst they could say is no.

It’s my opinion that the medical insurance industry sweeps mental health patients under the rug. I don’t necessarily think it’s an evil plot, though it might be. It’s that they’re for profit corporations. Corporations try to cut costs any way they can. People suffering from mental health issues are way less likely to advocate for themselves than other patients. It’s easy for the corporate machine to push them aside, so it does, and in the process saves a little bit of money.

Disclaimers: I am not a doctor. I am not a therapist. I am not an addiction specialist.

The last time I was involved in addiction recovery and its intersection with mental health treatment (with a loved one), it was considered best practice to treat addiction prior to treating issues like depression. It's not because of insurance costs but because addiction can have a profound chemical effect on a person's moods and thought processes, and it can be difficult to untangle innate biochemical causes of depression or to isolate psychological trauma while addiction remains as a severe exacerbating factor. Basically, are you depressed because of your brain's chemistry, are you depressed because of emotional trauma, or are you depressed because you're addicted to alcohol and alcohol is a severe depressant? The thinking goes that it's best to treat the addiction first to rule it out as a contributing factor to the others. It's my understanding that there's clinical evidence to suggest that addiction significantly reduces the effectiveness of therapy.

That's how it was explained to me, in any case, by my loved one's treatment team. Of course there's always going to be a chicken and egg question of whether or not the addiction is a result of the depression and if the addiction can be adequately addressed without also addressing the depression. I totally understand that concern.

But it does sound like they're following common practice and that it may be the best path forward. Whatever you do, don't stop now. Treating the addiction is a good thing and a necessary step whenever it happens, and the addiction specialist will be able to get to the next steps.

You did a great thing. This is progress even if it isn't the progress you expected. Don't stop.

I can’t really add to what Clocky said other than to be another voice saying “You did a great thing. This is progress even if it isn't the progress you expected. Don't stop.“

I'd posit that seeing the addiction specialist IS "starting therapy", which you'll then follow up with a second professional for talk therapy at a later date.

ClockworkHouse wrote:

You did a great thing. This is progress even if it isn't the progress you expected. Don't stop.

100%. Very well put.

Well, that was a VERY hard appointment on Wednesday. I won't get too deep in the weeds, but the bottom line is I definitely feel worse, and I'm presented with hard choices that I'm not sure how to handle. I know I need to make changes and move forward in a better way. I know I can not remain going on with the same status quo. But what that change or next step looks like is something I just do not know yet.

I feel like I may well benefit from unpacking. Yet I'm torn between the desire to achieve a release towards hopeful realignment, and the dismissive distraction to stave off potential anguish.

I've written sizable pieces only to scrap them. I get pangs of sorrow, pangs of self-loathing, pangs of outrage. Mostly, though, everything is a struggle. Motivation is absent. I'm emotionally unavailable and mentally distant.

I've literally bounced between work, bed, and these forums, for weeks on end. Escaping my thoughts where possible. Taking positivity from those who share moments of humanity at its best, and simple inclusive efforts that were unexpected. Conversely, inconsistency and negativity weigh heavy and linger on my mind.

I've had a rough time physically with debilitating joint pain, and retinal migraines, as well as digestive system issues. My wife is really struggling with self-esteem and loneliness. We had a traumatic experience with a miscarriage. Following difficult conversations, sleepless nights, silent days, tears, and confusion, surrounding the pregnancy. As we warmed to this change, and put plans in motion, it was suddenly no more. I know she is also unhappy with work and would like to start somewhere new. She also wants to reconnect with her sister who does not share in that desire.

We've had a few better days, at long last. Just spending time together and engaging in conversation. I've had her laughing again, which is great.

I'd rather not see a professional. I'd rather not return to medication. At least not at this time. I cannot answer as to the reasoning, other than wishing to control the pace and the partitioning of my journey.

I struggle with my consent and/or my experience being discarded, or overridden. I have friction with those in positions of power whom are often inconsiderate, and/or arrogant. I need to restock my tolerance, and my patience, and my humility, to better navigate such. The world turns as it does and I've realized I do not have as brass a neck, nor as loud a voice, any longer. I never had the acquiescence lemming gene. I can think too deeply. I can feel too much. I often forget others can make an honest mistake or succumb to bias with a judgement call. I can be stubborn and untrusting.

It feels like I have went all over the map here. I'm not sure of the coherence of this piece. I will post rather than delete, though.

RnR, it sounds like you're going through an awful lot right now. I'm sorry to hear you are struggling.

Some of what you shared resonated with me deeply (waning motivation, episodes of being emotionally unavailable, the feeling that others sometimes forget to consider the people in their surrounding as well as the idea that sometimes, they are considering those people but simply misjudged a situation) and others connected less to me personally but sound incredibly difficult. I don't have any sage advice, but know you and your family are in my thoughts. Take care.

RnR, remember, in the middle of your piece you describe the essence of forward motion. "We've had a few better days." We all get hit by sequential horrors every once in a weird while, but there is a baseline of resiliency that will slowly draw us back to what's normal. That's still going on for you and your wife, in the midst of everything, and it's a sign that things *will* get better with time. Trust that.

And work this together with your wife (as it sounds like you are doing). You are stronger together than you might realize. Help each other heal, and that strength that you get from having another person who understands will build the relationship even stronger.

Hang in there. You're not alone.

RnRClown wrote:

I'd rather not see a professional. I'd rather not return to medication. At least not at this time. I cannot answer as to the reasoning, other than wishing to control the pace and the partitioning of my journey.

If you've had a bad experience in the past with medication, the current stuff is a lot better than when stuff like Prozac was the go-to med.

Prozac is one of the reasons I held off medicating for so long. Even after I was having suicidal thoughts, and even when I started therapy, I avoided meds.

I was having a conversation with a friend who was baffled at my stance. "Why wouldn't you take something that would make your life better?" and that's what finally convinced me to try it again. And since we were at a bar, I didn't have a great defense that I wasn't essentially self-medicating anyway. With fairly, uh, inconsistent results.

And wow. I had no idea how much energy I put into baseline life. Like you said, work to bed to work and feeling exhausted. For me it was like any bad thing, any mistake, were all links in a chain I was carrying around that ran infinitely far behind me (and in front, expectation-wise). No defeat or failure occurred in a vacuum. Therapy and meds helped me view things within their own context and put some of that weight down.

It's still not magic, and finding the right dosage/balance of side effects is real, but overall drastically improved my quality of life.

I totally get having more nebulous feelings/reasons for avoiding therapy & meds, so if it's not the right fit or the right time, I understand. But wow, sometimes having weight lifted off, by any means, frees up the energy for other tasks.

If encouragement will help at all, I think you can enter therapy, and even try meds, and still be in control of your pace and partitioning. You decide when. You decide how long. You can even decide to start with lower dosages. You may not be pulling all the levers and knobs inside your head and body, but you're still in charge. Maybe think of it like delegating so you can focus on other things.