Tell us your best dad jokes!

What did the buffalo's father say when he left for college?

Spoiler:

Bye son.

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention botox and no one raises an eyebrow.

Why did the cabbage break the speed limit on the way to the grocery store?

Spoiler:

To get ahead of lettuce.

so...my D&D character Lilliana has just acquired "Tasha's Hideous Laughter", so i hope you realise I shall be mining this thread for 'verbal component' material

Savage...

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pyxistyx wrote:

so...my D&D character Lilliana has just acquired "Tasha's Hideous Laughter", so i hope you realise I shall be mining this thread for 'verbal component' material

Like, woah! A sonnet to this thread and a condemnation all in one! Hmm, this will pale in comparison, but let us proceed with a bad sounds-like D&D joke:

(story voice) I was browsing the "Random thing you loathe right now" thread and, in a moment of poor judgement, I responded to a fellow poster saying "Your gripe is so menial and off topic!" Annoyed, the poster turned their keyboard to me and typed "Oh, and I suppose your gripe is more relevant?" With earnest declaration I pointed to the thread's name and declared, "I do!" followed by "The spider queen!"

ba-dum-tssshhhh

And of course there is a D&D Dad Jokes subreddit

Why didn’t the bard make a deal with the fiend to get himself a harp?

There were strings attached

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As seen on FB:

Today's performance of Hamilton was canceled in Chicago due to the polar blast.

Once again Brrrrr kills Hamilton.

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Just got hit in the head with a bottle of Omega-3 vitamins. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

They should make a sushi roll that's squid, with every other fish in the bar wrapped around it.
They’d call it Calamari Damacy.

A fitness center that I drive past on my commute must have a dad or two working there.

Last month they had a sign out front that said “The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.”

This month it’s “becoming a vegan would be a big missed steak.”

So, I just had to do a captcha to post this. I've been here for 11 years, donate and am using the same singular computer that I access this site from exclusively for the last year and a half and I get asked to confirm I'm not a bot? You, good sirs, shall be the first to go when we rise up in the robot revolution!

Evidently posting twitter quotes is something a bot does. Certainly, one would never expect a human to share social media.

mrtomaytohead wrote:

Evidently posting twitter quotes is something a bot does. Certainly, one would never expect a human to share social media.
:lol:

It's the script tag in the embed code Twitter generates. If you remove that, you shouldn't get hit by a captcha.

mrtomaytohead wrote:

Evidently posting twitter quotes is something a bot does. Certainly, one would never expect a human to share social media.
:lol:

My experience with social media suggests that there aren’t any humans on it, so this doesn’t surprise me.

I hate when people ask me what I'll be doing in one year. Come on, I don't have 2020 vision. It's really only relevant for 2019, but still.

Dr.Incurable wrote:

I hate when people ask me what I'll be doing in one year. Come on, I don't have 2020 vision. It's really only relevant for 2019, but still.

"Still answering stupid questions, most likely."

Did you know some alligators can grow up to 14 feet?! But must only have 4.

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I'm on my phone, so i read that entire thing seeing the word "necklace" instead of "necktie", and "children" instead of "chicken". Made for some pretty unusual imagery.

Who’s the coolest person in the hospital?
The ultrasound guy.
Who’s the coolest person when the ultrasound guy isn’t there?
The hip replacement woman.

Two people in the library: Have you read Marx? Yes, its the wicker chair.

When my dad turned 50 he started walking five miles every day. I've no idea where is now.

Edit for bad spelling.

A programmer's wife asked him to go to the market. "Get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get a dozen."
He returned with 12 loaves of bread.

Q: what does a snake wear to the beach?
A: a pythong!

That reminds me of another egg related joke told by our local vicar: A vicar looked under the bed one day and found a shoe box. Peeping inside he saw two eggs and £80. He asked his wife what was going on and she said, "Every time you give a bad sermon I put an egg in that box."
"What's the £80 for?" He asked
"Whenever I get a dozen eggs I sell them."