Dealing with Divorce Catch-All

JeffreyLSmith wrote:

If you get to a point where you want to move on, such as finding someone special, don't wait for her to do the right thing. Get the divorce yourself.

I agree, but I say go ahead and get the license replaced yourself now. Just get it over with so you can move on. I may be off base in your particular situation, but some people get a sick satisfaction out of dragging out things just to cause anxiety.

Running Man wrote:
JeffreyLSmith wrote:

If you get to a point where you want to move on, such as finding someone special, don't wait for her to do the right thing. Get the divorce yourself.

I agree, but I say go ahead and get the license replaced yourself now. Just get it over with so you can move on. I may be off base in your particular situation, but some people get a sick satisfaction out of dragging out things just to cause anxiety.

I honestly think she's using it as leverage on her boyfriend, who is super intimidated by me because of how she talks about me, plus she likes using my work health benefits, which stops if/when we get divorced. I mean, I could cut that off anytime anyway, but then she would do the same to me so, meh.

I'm handling it pretty well because I don't have any need to be legally divorced yet. If I meet mrs right that will change in a big hurry.

My opinion is get it done before you get to a situation where it HAS to be done quickly because most likely when you really need it to get done it will drag on!

karmajay wrote:

My opinion is get it done before you get to a situation where it HAS to be done quickly because most likely when you really need it to get done it will drag on!

Completely agree and this is coming from someone in a pretty much identical situation and stage of things. Yes, you don't want to feel like the bad guy by ending her medical insurance etc but sooner she sorts out how she is going to deal with that the better. I was all ready to push the divorce through and then she got pregnant with the new boyfriend … and it was just another 'oh god, I can't cut her loose now with no medical support during a pregnancy' … go ahead and get the divorce sorted, before things snowball like they have repeatedly for me.

ShynDarkly wrote:
karmajay wrote:

My opinion is get it done before you get to a situation where it HAS to be done quickly because most likely when you really need it to get done it will drag on!

Completely agree and this is coming from someone in a pretty much identical situation and stage of things. Yes, you don't want to feel like the bad guy by ending her medical insurance etc but sooner she sorts out how she is going to deal with that the better. I was all ready to push the divorce through and then she got pregnant with the new boyfriend … and it was just another 'oh god, I can't cut her loose now with no medical support during a pregnancy' … go ahead and get the divorce sorted, before things snowball like they have repeatedly for me.

Wow, I hadn't considered that eventuality. Much better to cut the strings now, while there aren't medical emergencies.

Well, it has been two years almost since we decided to divorce. Literally nothing has changed. Except that I found out that the separation paperwork was never filed so many years ago.
Just back from a 5.5 month deployment. Took two months off work. Going to read up on everything again.
And after new year's eve, it's all about filling out that paperwork. Living and working here in the Netherlands and my future ex with my two daughters in Canada, it's far from ideal. But she claims she wants it done as well...so will see. I hope to be divorced this coming year. That would be the best for everyone.

Dude, please, for both of your sakes do the paperwork.

You guys are still legally financially tied together, and you're tangled up in any stupidity she does until you get that legal separation in place. As someone who had to pay off mid-six figures of his debt because of making this mistake even though he didn't mean to do it, the people collecting bills from him and the IRS sure did. It took me more than 10 years to get out from under that.

momgamer wrote:

Dude, please, for both of your sakes do the paperwork.

You guys are still legally financially tied together, and you're tangled up in any stupidity she does until you get that legal separation in place. As someone who had to pay off mid-six figures of his debt because of making this mistake even though he didn't mean to do it, the people collecting bills from him and the IRS sure did. It took me more than 10 years to get out from under that.

We did the legal separation papers, it's just the divorce itself we havne't done.

I hear all of you though.

momgamer wrote:

Dude, please, for both of your sakes do the paperwork.

You guys are still legally financially tied together, and you're tangled up in any stupidity she does until you get that legal separation in place. As someone who had to pay off mid-six figures of his debt because of making this mistake even though he didn't mean to do it, the people collecting bills from him and the IRS sure did. It took me more than 10 years to get out from under that.

Totally hear you

Hello all, well, looks like I'm back in the thick of it. After a good year of having a true 50/50 custody schedule, with full alternating weekends, the ex decided last Friday that she needs to have our son every Friday night through Sunday afternoon for Shabbat observance (Judaism religious thing, sundown Friday through sundown Saturday). The alternating weekend schedule we've been doing was not submitted to the court - it was just a verbal and written agreement between us. We were going to submit the change to the court to make it official along with other adjustments last January, but she refused after I wouldn't add anything about bed and screen times. That saga is a couple pages back in this thread probably by now.

She made this decision when I said "no" to her telling me she was going to take my days and have our son for Christmas and New Year's. I have him every Monday and Tuesday, so it was working out nicely for me. That was enough to set her off. Her replies to my refusal were actually pretty incredible ("I will lay down my life before I let him...", "...those pagan christian rituals..."). So I met my lawyer right away and we are going to submit the changes to the court either today or tomorrow, along with a filing for contempt for taking days that are not rightfully hers. Hopefully the court sees it my way. We'll see. It's just really stressful and annoying having to deal with this all of a sudden. Not what I was hoping to think about for the holidays and the end of 2018.

Sorry, d4m0. That sucks, especially this time of year. You're doing the right thing, but that doesn't make it sting any less. Hope the court sees it your way and expedites so it doesn't drag out.

He asked for a divorce. We have been distant for months. After his brief affair I thought I could forgive and moved on, and we would rebuild together. But I rebuilt secret walls instead, hid my hurt, harbored resentment. I grew cold and distant and hard. Threw myself into work, avoided home and therefore him.

Throughout the years we've both weaved in and out of our own deep depressions. Moving through each other's spaces like shadows. That takes a toll.

During this time my endometriosis worsened and my dysphoria peaked, took me to the emergency room, to the specialists, to the wait list. My body hurt and ached, bled weeks on end. Brief respites before another repeat. My gender quest put on hold in the face of increasingly intense, traumatic, dysphoria-inducing periods.

Even when I wasn't too achey and bleeding, I withdrew from touch, dreaded intimacy, avoided contact. There are parts of my body I can’t even cope with right now. I don't know if or when I will be able to recover from that. That too, takes a toll.

A decade is a long time for people to change. We changed so much we became different people. I don't think either of us want to fight for it anymore. He's done. I think he's moved on.

It's been two weeks since “We need to talk,” and I've accepted the finality of it.

We were starting to talk a little bit more again. Went out to dinner. I was just starting to feel the twinge of something recoverable. False hopes, grasping at straws.

A month prior I put in my notice at an incredibly toxic workplace without another job lined up, and I did it with his support. I thought I was going to go through the surgery with his care and support. I thought I was going to find work by now. My current job ends in January. My boss took pity and gave me one shift a week in the new year. My spouse says I can keep living here and we can keep on with the roommate routine until I can get myself a steady enough job and go through surgery recovery. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to go months like this.

I need a new job. A new apartment. A new life. In that order. After 10 years, nearly a quarter of my life.

I’m incredibly sad for what we lost. I wish I had appreciated him more. I wish I’d felt something other than nothingness and sadness and loss.

I feel like we failed. I feel like a failure and a fool. I know we are neither of those things, but it doesn't stop feeling that way.

Keep your chin up. You're not alone.

Much of your situation is unique, but your feelings of sadness, regret and failure are present to varying degrees for most of us. You wonder how you're supposed to manage it, but you will. At first the new will feel stale and tasteless, but you will go on and things will improve.

It sounds like you're dealing with more than your fair share of complications along with the relationship changes, but you're in good company and there's a lot of good quality support here.

I'm so sorry Amoebic. It sounds like there is so much going on and so much in your mind. Everything you're feeling is completely valid, and over time you will figure it out and begin to move forward. The feeling of failure is such a difficult one. In my own experience over the years, it still comes and goes, but the sting doesn't remain as bad. These times will make you stronger and more resilient, as painful as it is living through it. We are all here for you, for anything you need.

Sorry Amoebic, hang in there bud

Amoebic, thank you for sharing, and we're all with you.

Thank you, everyone. Your support means a lot. It's everything to me. You are my family.

A thing I'm actually pissed at is the timing. Like... Seriously, Christmas? Now was a good time? Thanks for ruining Christmases for a while. Nice icing on the cake. Could have brought it up sooner, or waited for it to pass, but I guess not.

Amoebic wrote:

Thank you, everyone. Your support means a lot. It's everything to me. You are my family.

A thing I'm actually pissed at is the timing. Like... Seriously, Christmas? You though now was a good time? Thanks. Thanks for ruining Christmases forever. Nice little icing on the cake, there. Could have brought it up sooner, or waited for it to pass, but I guess not.

The fact that the pre-christmas season is the number one time for breakups really is totally unfair. If you really are done with your relationship though, what's the right step? Hold off and break up later, so your ex feels like you were lying the through christmas the whole time? Wait a few more months so it doesn't taint christmas at all?

I'm not knocking your pain or comments, Amoebic, I'm being as sincere as I can. How you're feeling is entirely valid. This is a really weird one though, I think, at least in my mind.

Amoebic wrote:

I feel like we failed. I feel like a failure and a fool. I know we are neither of those things, but it doesn't stop feeling that way.

You didn't, you're not, and the healing will come, give it time; this time of the year especially is a pain and seems to double down on all that stuff. Thankyou for sharing, and if there's anything we can do, and if you ever need an unfiltered vent … feel free.

Dakuna wrote:

The fact that the pre-christmas season is the number one time for breakups really is totally unfair.

It is unfair, but in a weird way, understandable? Like, it's the family-est time of the year, makes sense that that extra stress causes the cracks to grow.

forget I said it. Sorry it's "weird" to you that you felt the need to call me out on it though.

Sorry, sorry. Shouldn't post while upset.

Amoebic wrote:

forget I said it. Sorry it's "weird" to you that you felt the need to call me out on it though.

Poor choice of words on my part, and certainly wasn't calling you out on anything.

Dakuna wrote:
Amoebic wrote:

Thank you, everyone. Your support means a lot. It's everything to me. You are my family.

A thing I'm actually pissed at is the timing. Like... Seriously, Christmas? You though now was a good time? Thanks. Thanks for ruining Christmases forever. Nice little icing on the cake, there. Could have brought it up sooner, or waited for it to pass, but I guess not.

The fact that the pre-christmas season is the number one time for breakups really is totally unfair. If you really are done with your relationship though, what's the right step? Hold off and break up later, so your ex feels like you were lying the through christmas the whole time? Wait a few more months so it doesn't taint christmas at all?

I'm not knocking your pain or comments, Amoebic, I'm being as sincere as I can. How you're feeling is entirely valid. This is a really weird one though, I think, at least in my mind.

Sorry it's "weird." to you enough to call it out. No, obviously not fake it through the holidays, don't ascribe that kind of immature nonsense to me, please.

More that this has been a slow and steady decline in the works for months. Things were rough and sh*t for a long time and the fact that Ive been thinking we'd at least try therapy or something first. But no, full stop no effort on trying to fix it. If that's how he's been feeling for months he should have spoken up sooner.

But if I say that, someone around here is probably going to be critical about making assumptions on should'ves or could'ves, so rest assured I am already aware of the the context and would appreciate people getting weirdly critical about the minor details of my emotional dumping elsewhere.

Even if my husband had come back rather than abandoning me after being unfaithful, I doubt very much the trust would have ever returned without him making a very long-term effort by his *own* initiative at rebuilding it, and that may even be iffy. I don't even know that such a thing is really possible because there would likely always be that doubt in one's mind. Sure, I would have forgiven him, but forgiveness is not the same thing as trust. Once trust is gone, it seems like it would take a real miracle to regain it.

I'm not calling you out. Please don't think that. I feel the same way. It's just one of those things that kind of sucks no matter what

EDIT: My ex ended our 10 year marriage in mid-December too.

Bekkilyn, I don't think trust can ever really be gained again after it's broken. That's how I feel about it anyway.

Amoebic, sorry to hear. Hope you get a speedy recovery and work your way through it all. If you ever need a place to just blurt it all out, you're in the right one. Utilise friends and family as much as you can and are willing to do. Talk it out and give yourself the time it takes to work your way through it. It's a tough place to be, but it does get better. Just takes a bit of time.

Ah ah ah, I'm so sorry! It read to me like you were kind of defending it, almost? Your focus on that sticking point makes more sense now. I'm sorry I got defensive.

<3

So sorry to hear you're battling endometriosis, Amoebic, it must magnify the suffering. We're here if you just need us to quietly hear you out or if you're seeking advice. Money problems complicate a lot of things. Hopefully your work prospects get better and you can gain your independence early in the new year.

Amoebic wrote:

Ah ah ah, I'm so sorry! It read to me like you were kind of defending it, almost? Your focus on that sticking point makes more sense now. I'm sorry I got defensive.

<3

I don't blame you! I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, and maybe it makes me sound like an apologist for it. I try to rationalize things so they hurt me less.

Your reaction is entirely reasonable.