Dealing with Divorce Catch-All

Hi everybody. I’m sad to say that it will probably be my turn in here shortly. I’ve been Married 15 years, we have 3 kids. I’ve got a longer post in the works.

Och. So sorry you have to join us, Toddland. Hang in there. That first post is rough, but for me, cathartic and helped the healing start.

Sorry, Toddland. This is a tough place to be, but we're here for you!

Sorry to hear, Toddland. I got a lot of help from the great folks, here. Just having a place to vent is helpful, like Dakuna said.

I'm not joining you all here (mine was long ago now), but my brother-in-law is. They've been married six or seven years, and have a little girl who is 4. He says they just can't live together, and it's uncontested, and that they're both committed to being co-parents. He's getting ready to move out.

He's 16 years younger than my ex, and we were a big part of raising him. And even though I divorced his brother, my kids didn't divorce their uncles/grammas/etc on that side of the family, so we've all worked to keep a relationship over the years. In many respects, I get along better with my monster-in-law now than I ever did when I was married. So even though I am not actually related to him, I'm in sort of a big sister/aunt sort of role.

I'm not close with her, but we're not in any conflict I'm aware of. She and I have always been very different people, and since I have a service dog who has to stay with me and she's horribly allergic to dogs it was always easier to stay apart.

All I've done at this point is talk to him about it once, and I did make it plain to him that I'd be glad to be there for either one of them, and for his little girl. She has a lot of family in the area, and I don't expect her to ever ask me for anything, but I wanted to let him know that I'm not going to be getting all angry or anything, and I do wish her the best.

Is there more I should be doing? Or should I just stay quiet and just be available when asked? I was hoping you guys could give me some pointers on how to support him through this.

I think you're doing as much as you can and it's appropriate to continue doing so.

Sorry, had to edit as my fat thumb hit the post button. Again.

It seems quite "amicable" in comparison to other separations. Main thing is to ensure the girl is seeing and spending quality time with both parents. She'll be too young to either understand what separation involves and too young to have strategies to cope with it. That's where you might be able to make a difference in guiding her father as to how he can assist the girl with adjustment. He should probably do some counselling on how to coparent a child during separation and your experience will help in this regard.

Hey so I don’t think I ever posted here but I got divorced in March 2017 and this thread got me through some really dark times. I still check it on occasion when I need to feel like I am not alone. Just wanted to say I appreciate the empathy and thoughtfulness and honesty people show to others here.

Seth wrote:

Hey so I don’t think I ever posted here but I got divorced in March 2017 and this thread got me through some really dark times. I still check it on occasion when I need to feel like I am not alone. Just wanted to say I appreciate the empathy and thoughtfulness and honesty people show to others here.

Definitely second this. I did a little bit of posting when I knew everything was over. Went back to lurking afterward, but not feeling completely alone can help keep you out of the abyss.

1000 times the above. The last few months have been really hard for me, and though my day has brightened (we are seeing a couples therapist, she's acknowledged and fighting her addiction, etc), I still ensure I read this every time that "favorite" star is filled in on my home page. I've been a semi-lurker for almost 12 years (where does the time GO!), but GWJ and the community we have here is what keeps me coming back.

When the thread is dormant for a while, then I see activity.. I have to ask myself if I'm ready to read it or if I should put it off. I do read every post here, fully and thoughtfully.

My marriage failed four years ago this December, and it still hurts. I've been having dreams about my ex, bad ones, the kind you wake up crying from. I haven't talked to her in a month, so I don't really know why this is happening now.

Dakuna wrote:

When the thread is dormant for a while, then I see activity.. I have to ask myself if I'm ready to read it or if I should put it off. I do read every post here, fully and thoughtfully.

My marriage failed four years ago this December, and it still hurts. I've been having dreams about my ex, bad ones, the kind you wake up crying from. I haven't talked to her in a month, so I don't really know why this is happening now.

I've had no contact for over 7 years with my ex and every once in a while I get a dream about her. Brain is funny that way. There had to be some feelings at some point otherwise you'd never gotten together in the first place. I think it is perfectly normal for anyone who ever cared about someone else. Doesn't make it easy though. I know I wake up a little weirded out by it, but it passes.

I occasionally have dreams about the girlfriend I broke up with in 2001.

Dakuna wrote:

When the thread is dormant for a while, then I see activity.. I have to ask myself if I'm ready to read it or if I should put it off. I do read every post here, fully and thoughtfully.

This is me too. I try to keep up with new messages, but this thread requires a thoughtful response and I can't always devote the time it deserves. So I put it off til later, but as we know later becomes even later.
This is a necessary and painful thread to revisit, and I think there are many of us who are giving silent support, even if we can't always voice it.

Jonman wrote:

I occasionally have dreams about the girlfriend I broke up with in 2001.

Yeah, it's been 10 years since I've been with my ex-fiance, but I still have a dream about her around once a month. My wife and I've talked about it quite a bit as the same happens with her and her ex. I think it's a common thing honestly.

b12n11w00t wrote:
Jonman wrote:

I occasionally have dreams about the girlfriend I broke up with in 2001.

Yeah, it's been 10 years since I've been with my ex-fiance, but I still have a dream about her around once a month. My wife and I've talked about it quite a bit as the same happens with her and her ex. I think it's a common thing honestly.

Same here for me. It's been nine years since the separation and divorce and I still have dreams that include my ex every once in a while. They are usually awful and involve an argument and fighting. It sure doesn't help the morning go well after waking up. I wish we could tell our dreaming minds to keep some things off limits.

It's so awesome to hear that this thread has really helped people. It is truly great.

Its called grief...
It seems to me more a badge of honor in that you cared that deeply that it will never quite go away. I get them from a really terrible boss from 4 years ago, my mother passing 2 years ago, fear of losing my wife and puppy, fear of losing my job, fear of growing old, etc.

Your mind is both great at compartmentalizing and reminding you that you still have things you haven't fully addressed/digested yet.

Dakuna wrote:

When the thread is dormant for a while, then I see activity.. I have to ask myself if I'm ready to read it or if I should put it off. I do read every post here, fully and thoughtfully.

My marriage failed four years ago this December, and it still hurts. I've been having dreams about my ex, bad ones, the kind you wake up crying from. I haven't talked to her in a month, so I don't really know why this is happening now.

Been separated from my husband since 2005 with no contact and sometimes it still seems like the whole nightmare just happened yesterday. It's really worse than if he had died and I'll likely never fully get over it. (Not that I'd wish him dead or anything, but there would be closure and without the feeling of having a serious defect that makes me worthy of abandonment.)

I really appreciate the comments and the sharing. Ugh. Struggling not to just bail and leave work early though.

Dakuna wrote:

I really appreciate the comments and the sharing. Ugh. Struggling not to just bail and leave work early though.

This has been my week. Have been doing alright for a while, but now it is the slow season (just a month granted) and idle hands mean dwelling on thoughts that cut.

I made it! And even worked a little late. Hurray me!

A few of you mentioned dreams, and yes, it's been over three years now but she is in my dreams probably an average of twice a week. All kinds of situations some good and some bad, but well let's face it even the 'good' are bad when I wake up, dreams promising some kind of vague reconciliation which will never come in reality.

In the day-to-day we text maybe, oh two or three times a month, usually about the kids, but they are older so there's not usually much to discuss. We're cordial enough that I can ask about the details of some recipe she was good at, or now and then she'll send some creation of hers back with the kids, canned pickles, jam, etc.

Went shopping today with the kids and happened to run into her and her new husband. To me in the moment it was just a mild surprise, it had been well over a year since I've seen her in person, chatted for a minute then moved on. I felt no kind of pangs or weirdness, I've had enough time to process and accept the obvious stuff. But later I reflected on it and the body language and vibe was clear, she didn't look me in the eye, was clearly eager to move on from the encounter quickly. It hit on something still hanging on deep, some unconscious desire for me to still matter to her in some way I guess. And, it's just my interpretation anyway, maybe she was in a bad mood in general or who knows, but it really seemed that she is so over me that a chance encounter is just some unpleasant thing to avoid as quickly as possible. That, and the dreams, just made me realize there is still something deep inside hanging on to a phantom. I guess three years isn't much in the big picture, and even this too will pass in time.

Almost every interaction with my ex disappoints me in some way. I remain very frustrated with the way she is managing my youngest and there is always some surprise revelation of something preventable going wrong.

One of my buddies is going through this now. Wife cheated on him, one of his (grade school and below) kids isn't his, now dealing with divorce paperwork and alimony and all the other fun stuff that comes with the situation. Also very close knit family/community, so all the gossip that inevitably pops up.

I'm also, like others, just not sure what I can do. I'm a literal ocean away but we chat on the phone fairly regularly, so I'm just trying to keep his spirits up, give him an outlet to moan as much as he likes to someone who won't be talking to his family on the regular. I'll visit my parents for Thanksgiving so I'll end up taking him out to eat at least one of those days, probably see a movie and hang at the comic shop or something.

Right now I'm just trying to be supportive, I suppose. Still just a sh*tty situation, and I really feel for the kids in this whole thing.

bnpederson wrote:

One of my buddies is going through this now. Wife cheated on him, one of his (grade school and below) kids isn't his, now dealing with divorce paperwork and alimony and all the other fun stuff that comes with the situation. Also very close knit family/community, so all the gossip that inevitably pops up.

I'm also, like others, just not sure what I can do. I'm a literal ocean away but we chat on the phone fairly regularly, so I'm just trying to keep his spirits up, give him an outlet to moan as much as he likes to someone who won't be talking to his family on the regular. I'll visit my parents for Thanksgiving so I'll end up taking him out to eat at least one of those days, probably see a movie and hang at the comic shop or something.

Right now I'm just trying to be supportive, I suppose. Still just a sh*tty situation, and I really feel for the kids in this whole thing.

Thing is, if he wants to see his biological child (or children) it will inevitably involve seeing the non-bioligical child. To treat them differently will only ruin the siblings' relationships and will harm them all. I understand the monetary issue around child support and biological children but yeah it's not appropriate to punish the children for something completely beyond their control and understanding. This is one of those situations where counselling will make a difference to him and the children's lives.

bnpederson wrote:

One of my buddies is going through this now. Wife cheated on him, one of his (grade school and below) kids isn't his, now dealing with divorce paperwork and alimony and all the other fun stuff that comes with the situation. Also very close knit family/community, so all the gossip that inevitably pops up.

I'm also, like others, just not sure what I can do. I'm a literal ocean away but we chat on the phone fairly regularly, so I'm just trying to keep his spirits up, give him an outlet to moan as much as he likes to someone who won't be talking to his family on the regular. I'll visit my parents for Thanksgiving so I'll end up taking him out to eat at least one of those days, probably see a movie and hang at the comic shop or something.

Right now I'm just trying to be supportive, I suppose. Still just a sh*tty situation, and I really feel for the kids in this whole thing.

This is great. When my husband abandoned me, all of our friends were actually his friends, and talking too much about it with my mother would make her upset, so I had no support from anyone. I had to make my own effort to meet new people and was able to get some support that way, but didn't feel comfortable completely opening up since I hadn't known them for long and didn't want to drive them away too.

This is one reason why I feel it is so important for each person to have their own network of friends and activities and yes, even a bank account, because you just don't know. I had let the "we" overshadow everything and then when the "we" was suddenly gone, it was entirely "me". (Fortunately, I had not let him talk me out of having my own bank account like he'd tried to do once. It had very little in it, but it was at least mine.)

Bfgp wrote:

Thing is, if he wants to see his biological child (or children) it will inevitably involve seeing the non-bioligical child. To treat them differently will only ruin the siblings' relationships and will harm them all. I understand the monetary issue around child support and biological children but yeah it's not appropriate to punish the children for something completely beyond their control and understanding. This is one of those situations where counselling will make a difference to him and the children's lives.

I may have read into it wrong, but my impression was that since the kid isn't biologically his, he might have a more difficult time seeing it, getting any custody, etc. rather than the view that he need only be concerned for his biological child. In any case, I agree with you.

Oh, he wants to keep the kid who isn't his, biologically speaking. He has the opportunity to get off the birth certificate and refuses to do so as he wants to continue being a part of their life as a parent, and is apparently going to have partial custody over both kids.

I mentioned it more as the level of, and long term nature of, the betrayal. His ex had been cheating on him for years, he just finally either clued into it or had enough. Currently he and his ex have drawn up an agreement to that effect and are going through a paralegal to get everything done, so it's not exactly a hostile relationship, though obviously there are trust issues regarding care for the children.

Also, this is within the last month, so its in the very, very early stages. As I said, at this point I'm commiserating and occasionally offering advice, not that I have much.

Hmm, whilst the birth certificate has your friend named as the father, it should be conclusive on his right as a parent of the child and thus secure some degree of time with the child. I'm not sure why the mother would ever remove his name since it will affect child support payments on her end. Perhaps to name the biological father at some future time? Regardless, most jurisdictions have family law rules that should address situations like his, and they tend to support ongoing involvement in a child's life. It gets more tricky if the mother repartners but the general principle remains that courts and child psychologists prefer arrangements where children have the support from those they are accustomed to receiving it from.

In any event, they're on the right track in keeping it out of court. Parenting cases never end well.

Checking in. Love you all.
Still sucks under the best possible circumstances. Appreciate everything you've posted so far. I find comfort in your words and the feeling of not being alone.

So my ex failed to complete our divorce proceedings because she lost the marriage license. This means I am not divorced, despite filing for divorce over two years ago. It also means we have to start the process all over again, if and when she gets the license replaced. Why do I have to keep begging the woman who left me to give me a divorce??

Sigh.

Yes, I know I could probably get the license replaced myself, file for uncontested divorce, and have it granted without her participation at all at this point, but.. she left. I want her to be the one to do most of the heavy lifting on this.

Amoebic, hope you continue to find comfort through the holidays. You're not alone.

Dakuna, man that sucks. You're taking it much better (at least the way you convey it here) than I would be. I'd feel like I was a hostage to her whims, or at least her carelessness. I'd be pissed.

I dated a woman years ago, who told me at first that she was divorced. Then I found out she was separated, awaiting finalization of the divorce. A few weeks later we found out her ex had actually not filed anything and told me I was dating a married woman. I felt bad for her. But I also knew I couldn't be in the middle of that situation. I ended the relationship soon afterwards.

If you get to a point where you want to move on, such as finding someone special, don't wait for her to do the right thing. Get the divorce yourself.