Tell us your best dad jokes!

When is the best time to buy a boat?

When it's on sail.

WizKid wrote:

Where do jokes come from?

A Dad Joke meets a Yo Momma joke and then they knock knock.

Who's there?

Customer at a car dealership asking about the trunk.
Customer: Cargo space?
Salesman: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager asks to see the salesman in their office.

Be careful about feeding crows. If too many gather in one place, there will be a murder.

Hrdina wrote:
WizKid wrote:

Where do jokes come from?

A Dad Joke meets a Yo Momma joke and then they knock knock.

Who's there?

Europe

Nomad wrote:
Hrdina wrote:
WizKid wrote:

Where do jokes come from?

A Dad Joke meets a Yo Momma joke and then they knock knock.

Who's there?

Europe

Europe who?

no, ur a poo.

The Avengers should rent out advertising space on the Hulk. After all, he's just a big banner.

tanstaafl wrote:

The Avengers should rent out advertising space on the Hulk. After all, he's just a big banner.

I laughed tho hard that I wath able to pick up Mjolnir.

Spoiler:

That ith to thay, I laughed until I wath thor

The voice of Kratos from God of War does dad jokes...

How many crewmembers of the starship Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven

While transporting a Federation ambassador to an important conference, a light bulb in engineering burns out. Scotty complains that he can't see to tend his engines with the lights out, so Kirk diverts course to the planet Alpha Gamma Delta Hydra Epsilon IV to find a replacement. The ambassador complains but Kirk overrules him and continues to the planet.

Once at the planet, Kirk, Spock, McCoy and two red-shirted security officers beam down to the planet. After wandering around a rocky canyon for a bit they find a native temple dedicated to the god Watt and filled with light bulbs. They start to collect some of the bulbs but are surprised by several of the natives. There is a fight, the two security officers are killed and the others are taken prisoner.

Meanwhile, in orbit, Sulu detects a Klingon warship approaching the planet. Unable to raise the landing party and unwilling to risk the ambassador, Scotty orders the Enterprise to leave orbit.

On the planet, Kirk, Spock and McCoy are brought before the village priest who orders the three to be executed for defiling the temple. However, before the order can be carried out, the village chieftain arrives and stops the execution. The priest and the chief argue, with the priest arguing that the three are somehow responsible for the disease affecting the chief's daughter. In the end it is decided that Kirk and the others will be locked in a hut overnight and executed in the morning.

Back on the Enterprise the ambassador argues with Scotty, demanding to be taken directly to the conference. When Scotty refuses he invokes a little-known Federation regulation which allows him to take control of the Enterprise. He orders the ship to head directly to his destination at maximum speed, refusing to change his order even when it is pointed out that the course will take them directly through the Romulan Neutral Zone. With no choice, Sulu sets course for the conference.

That evening, on the planet, the chief's daughter visits the prisoners to beg for her life. Kirk convinces her of their innocence and McCoy is able to examine her. He learns that she is suffering from Rigellian Fever; a disease which should be unknown on this planet. Kirk asks for her help and, as she has fallen in love with him, she agrees. Spock uses his Vulcan Nerve Pinch on the guard and they escape. The chief's daughter tells them that their equipment has been taken to the priest's hut and leads them there.

By this time the Enterprise has entered the Neutral Zone and is surprised by several Romulan Birds of Prey. The ambassador panics and first orders the Enterprise to attack the Romulans then orders a self-destruct. Scotty relieves him of command and comes up with a scheme involving the transporter, the deflector dish and some gasses vented from the engines to convince the Romulans that the Enterprise is about to explode. The Romulans back off and Sulu is able to perform a high-speed evasive maneuver that gets them away from the Romulans and out of the Neutral Zone. The Enterprise heads back to the planet.

Kirk, Spock, McCoy and the chief's daughter reach the priest's hut and start searching it. To their surprise they not only find their equipment but also find a communicator of Klingon design. Additionally, they find several crates of plants that McCoy recognizes as having great medicinal value. Kirk realizes that the Klingons are supporting the priest against the chief in exchange for rights to the medicinal plants.

The priest and his followers suddenly arrive and find Kirk and the others. The priest orders his guard to attack Kirk. They fight and, despite a rough start, Kirk is eventually able to defeat the guard (though he does lose his shirt during the fight). The priest is about to kill Kirk himself when the chief suddenly arrives, having been brought there by his daughter. Since his daughter has been cured by McCoy he now believes Kirk and the others. He initially orders the priest to be executed but Kirk is able to convince him that the priest will change his ways now that his deception has been revealed.

In gratitude, the chief gives Kirk and the others all the light bulbs they can carry. Kirk contacts the Enterprise, which has by now returned to orbit, and requests that the landing party be beamed up. As Scotty prepares to do so, the ambassador pulls him to one side and apologizes for his actions. He and Scotty agree to say nothing about what happened.

The ambassador beams down to the planet and is able to sign a treaty between the Federation and the natives for access to the medicinal plants. In the meantime, Scotty is able to install one of the new light bulbs in engineering. There is a tense moment when the bulb is turned on as it is feared that the alien bulb may not work with the Enterprise's systems but after a few seconds engineering is again lit.

On the bridge, Spock asks if they have not violated the Prime Directive by interfering with the natives. Kirk says they have not, as no one should be ruled by light bulbs. McCoy quips that they helped the natives see the light. Spock looks confused but everyone else laughs and the Enterprise warps off to resume its five year mission...

I feel like I’ve seen that episode... more than once.

I'm going to open a store where we sell nothing but egg beaters. It's going to be called "Whisky Business"

That reminds me of my food truck that sells a different kind of meat every day. You know, pork on Mondays, lamb on Tuesdays, etc.

"The Meat of the Moment."

I heard of a food truck that only served breakfast named “Fried Eggs, I’m In Love.”

There’s also a smoke shop and e-cig supply store near me (in southeastern MA) named Vape Cod.

Edit:

Also, my dad always used to say he wanted to open a garden supply store called there Marquis De Sod.

My favorite (real, not made up) food truck name is one in Tucson called Planet of the Crepes.

Also, they have really good crepes.

I once saw a Chinese restaurant in a strip mall called "The Fiendish Wok of Fu Manchu". I regret not stopping in.

Alz wrote:

I'm going to open a store where we sell nothing but egg beaters. It's going to be called "Whisky Business"

Pretty sure that’s a bar...

sometimesdee wrote:
Alz wrote:

I'm going to open a store where we sell nothing but egg beaters. It's going to be called "Whisky Business"

Pretty sure that’s a bar...

I’m sure you’re right, but I can’t think of what song.

sometimesdee wrote:

The voice of Kratos from God of War does dad jokes...

Teal'c of War

doubtingthomas396 wrote:
sometimesdee wrote:
Alz wrote:

I'm going to open a store where we sell nothing but egg beaters. It's going to be called "Whisky Business"

Pretty sure that’s a bar...

I’m sure you’re right, but I can’t think of what song.

Porque no los dos?

I accidentally ate some Scrabble tiles last night. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

I thought my Alphabits were haunted ... all they said was "Ooooo..." ... then I realized I was having Cheerios.

I think it makes sense for me to post here; As a father-of-three, I have all the necessary koalafications.

I have to stop dropping things. It's really getting out of hand!

Imagine if the US switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

there would be mass confusion!

At the doc office for the one week checkup.
Nurse: "And did she get her Hep-B?"
Me: "I hope we got a Hep-B baby!"
Nurse:...
Wife:...
Me: "I have two now! I'm allowed!"

I got a new dog, and it turns out her previous owners taught her to bring them red wine on command. She's a Bordeaux Collie

tanstaafl wrote:

I got a new dog, and it turns out her previous owners taught her to bring them red wine on command. She's a Bordeaux Collie

That would make her a Cabernet retriever.

I'm pretty sure that it was a Chien Blanc