Dealing with Divorce Catch-All

Well said, and thanks again everyone. It's tempting to think back about how much easier -and cheaper- this could have all been handled if both parties were behaving rationally, but as the saying goes, there's no point in crying over spilled milk. All we can do is move forward.

I had lunch with another nice lady today, and as part of a conscious effort to step out of my comfort zone we're going out dancing later in the week. Aside from Dance Central I haven't done that at all this century, so the thought of dancing in public is somewhat terrifying.

Running Man wrote:

Well said, and thanks again everyone. It's tempting to think back about how much easier -and cheaper- this could have all been handled if both parties were behaving rationally, but as the saying goes, there's no point in crying over spilled milk. All we can do is move forward.

I had lunch with another nice lady today, and as part of a conscious effort to step out of my comfort zone we're going out dancing later in the week. Aside from Dance Central I haven't done that at all this century, so the thought of dancing in public is somewhat terrifying.

Public dancing... you are a way stronger man than I. Good for you. Seems like you got a good sense of yourself and are exploring the great unknown again. Good luck to you, because everyone deserves a little bit of happiness.

Running Man, it's good to hear you are through the war! I usually post a lot in this thread, but work had me traveling last week and this week has been crazy busy so I'm just reading all this now. It sucks you had to go through so much during those divorce proceedings - having to deal with made-up charges and going all the way to investigators just sounds so stressful, not to mention the huge expense.

I can definitely relate with the dropping of defense mechanisms when starting up dating again. You build up so much during the times with the ex that it takes some time to realize all people are not the same and you can actually be yourself again. Hell, I've been divorced for almost a decade and remarried now for almost two years and sometimes the old thoughts and feelings still come up. Part of it is still having to deal with the ex on an almost weekly basis, and part of it I think is the trauma of having been with such a toxic person.

Good luck to you with your re-entry to the dating world! Sounds like it's been nice so far, and I agree with tundra - you are a stronger man than I going out and dancing!

5th Time sending in financial paperwork to the future ex in Canada.
Lets see if it arrives and gets accepted this time

Gawd, I will just put my time line on January next year to be divorced.
That might be a bit too hopeful, but time will tell.

Sparhawk wrote:

5th Time sending in financial paperwork to the future ex in Canada.
Lets see if it arrives and gets accepted this time

Gawd, I will just put my time line on January next year to be divorced.
That might be a bit too hopeful, but time will tell.

I know the feeling.. about waiting on the divorce, that is. Waiting sucks.

Waiting periods for an overdue divorce can seem interminable. There should be quicker avenues to resolve these hopeless situations.

In contrast, my divorce is now all official with no real delays other than the time it took from the application to being ratified by the court. We had already done the hard part of finances etc. so it was very straightforward.

Good to hear, Bruce. I am hoping mine goes as smoothly. We are both working hard to keep acrimony to a minimum.

Running Man wrote:

Waiting periods for an overdue divorce can seem interminable. There should be quicker avenues to resolve these hopeless situations.

The best way, like with all dispute resolution, is where both parties are reasonable, well informed and properly advised. Unfortunately these situations are rarer than one might expect. I filed a case for a wife recently where the husband is contending his businesses were worth nothing. The husband texted her telling her she shouldn't have started a case and she was being unreasonable by not walking away with less than 50% of the estate and that it was premature to start a case when he thought they could settle it without court intervention.

I sympathize with Running Man's situation because parenting cases are bitter and expensive. The abuse issue cuts both ways though; yes, men frequently find themselves the victim of false accusations, but also, abused women find it enormously difficult to prove abuse when it usually happens within the confines of the family home where there is usually nobody to witness it except the parties or their children. Child witnesses are frequently discounted as unreliable from an evidentiary perspective. This is because parents often attempt to brainwash their children (judges know this).

Nobody to witness? I would beg to differ. Neighbors and cops are often aware about what’s going on and don’t do anything about it.
And if we’re going to play the numbers game, false accusations are maybe 2-3% of accusations.
Wanna know how many cases of domestic abuse are dropped for “lack of proof”? 95%.

I have no way to determine what percentage of claims are false, but 2-3% seems awfully low considering the potential gains from it. Then again, I'm biased.

(I don't post here much, but I read all of them. I always wish I had more to add than inadequate "good luck," etc.)

Running Man wrote:

I have no way to determine what percentage of claims are false, but 2-3% seems awfully low considering the potential gains from it. Then again, I'm biased.

It's probably more a factor of your personal "sample-size"... Maybe you got to be one of the 'lucky' 2%. I'd bet that even the 2% is too high a number for false claims.

With actual luck, the facts do come out, and judges (et al) see enough of that to spot fakery.

/hug

I posted here a year or two ago about having hit my limit. Yet somehow, I've held on.

Until a few months ago.

I kept holding on because she told me, repeatedly, how very happy she is with me. How she doesn't know what she'd do without me.

Of course, she also tells me that she thinks men are disgusting, and that she's a strong woman who doesn't need anything from anyone.

At the end of the day, we've both agreed to throw in the towel.

Alas, it comes at a time when I'm also unemployed. Which has created a not-so-fun situation where I can't move out.

Upside: I have a new job, an amazing job that - a few years down the road, stands to make me the kind of money where I won't have to think twice about putting our kids in whatever college they want. But, it's starting slowly. Right now we are covering our bills and precious little else.

Life is upside down. I'm actually super-excited to finally be getting out. But we haven't had time (or finances) to sit and go over the dissolution paperwork and get it filed. I'm living in the attic for now. She sleeps on the living room couch. Both of us ignore our bedroom - in fact the bed has become a place we store "not yet folded" clothes.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting, except to get it off my chest and to be heard by others who've been there (to some degree). It's a weird feeling - to have nothing but possibilities ahead of me (both personal and career possibilities), yet to just be. . . . stuck. . . in such a quagmire.

The light is on at the end of the tunnel. I can SEE it. So very, very bright now. I've come round what MUST be the last bend. . . and yet, like chasing a rainbow - I can't seem to quite. get. there....

Mate, it takes time. Sounds like you're in a good place, but it'll change and flow as the days do. My advice would be to give yourself the time and don't expect everything to happen too fast. It's cliched at this point, but the phrase, it gets easier is cliched for a reason. It does. You've done the hardest part and ripped off the bandaid. Everything from here on out is just letting yourself heal and working out the best path forward for you and your Ex (not sure if kids involved, but if so, they allllllllways come first).

Surround yourself with amazing people (lots here that have helped me and others through the rough days) and also give yourself your down time to process everything.

That feeling of being stuck.... I'm still kinda there, I'm sure a lot of us are to varying degrees. But again, it gets easier. Try and do what you can to keep your progress up, but like I said, also be realistic and this will take longer than you originally think it will

Hmm... wrote a post, deleted it. Keep your eye on the light, wolfstar. It gets better, but 4 years in, I'm still not where I wish I was.

Good luck wolfstar! Blacksabre has some great advice there, and it's true, it does get better and easier over time. I want to add a small bit though, and it's to the part about kids always being first. I'm trying to think of how to phrase this without sounding like a terrible person... I think a better way to say it is always think about the kids in the decisions you make, but also make sure to think about yourself. Always putting the kids first can cause even more problems. I stayed with my ex far longer than I should have because I had always put our kid first - I thought it was better for him to have two parents in the same house, even if I was suffering by staying there. All it meant was that he saw us fighting and arguing and hating and stressing way more than he needed to, which was certainly worse than having two parents in different houses that are happier with far less visible conflict.

I personally don't think it's selfish to make sure you think about yourself in these situations as well as the kids. I'm probably in the minority here on that one, but I think it's important. I have learned over the years too often that if you don't make sure that you yourself are doing okay, you can't be there fully for your kids anyway. I hope nobody takes this the wrong way. In my own life I had always put everyone else first, and it took a lot of therapy and very hard times before I could start to think about myself and make sure I was doing okay. It's still hard to do.

wolfstar76 wrote:

It's a weird feeling - to have nothing but possibilities ahead of me (both personal and career possibilities), yet to just be. . . . stuck. . . in such a quagmire.

I definitely remember those times! Both the possibility and the struggle are real. Over time the possibilities get better and the quagmire gets easier to slog through. You can do it!

Well. It certainly got dusty in here...

I appreciate the kind words, all. I think the hardest part is simply the lack of ability to move forward due to my "barely surviving" income.

The second hardest part is seeing her be stressed out. Because it stresses me out in turn.

The main thing I'm focusing on right now is that we're keeping things focused on "getting through this". Neither of us is being contentious in how this is all going to turn out. We both want to make sure the kids have a roof over their heads, and that they can keep attending the Montessori School they've attended the last few years. She wants the house as she'll have the kids the bulk of the time, she's keeping her car, I'm keeping mine. We just have to sort the paperwork to make that all happen.

And that's . . . already proving to be an interesting experience. We're trying to do all this without an attorney because we frankly can't afford one. I know, I know. I worked for law firms for 15+ years. I know the alternate question is "can you REALLY afford not to have one?"

If we wanted to wait 6 - 12 months to do the paperwork, maybe we could. But that's not going to happen. The longer we wait on the paperwork, the more stressed out she gets.

I find myself wishing I could barter with an attorney to get things done. Since we're not being contentious, just having someone trade me a few hours of their time to make sure the paperwork is right and/or provide minimal guidance in "next steps" in trade for a few hours of computer consulting/repair would be the bomb.

But it is what it is.

I just wanted to send a hug to you and yours, and as if you have into pro bono legal services in your area? I did a google search on "pro bono divorce lawyers in cleveland ohio" and got several options to look further into.

If you can both agree on how to split stuff and agree on the shared custody and write it up then that eliminates a lot of need for a lawyer.

wolfstar76,

I'm an Aussie lawyer so I can't draft something that's going to readily satisfy your Court (US law is so different across states, let alone compared nationally to ours). I could probably help you come up with something which you can take to a local attorney to fine-tune. If your terms are pretty close to acceptable form in your local jurisdiction, the attorney can save some time (and your legal fees) by cutting and pasting the wording and tweak it as necessary to make the judges happy over there. PM me an outline of what the terms of settlement are (property and parenting) and I'll have a look.

You could also PM Recreational Villain, he might have a legal contact that could help you. Don't know if he's based in your state though.

When my ex and I drew up our separation agreement, we wrote out all the things we cared about, and specified what things fall into the don't care about category, and she took it to her lawyer to legalese it. It cost her around $1000, and I waived my right to have my own attorney examine it.

Still $1000 though.

Another option is to do what me and my ex did since we couldn't afford lawyers either, which was to go through a mediator. It'll still probably be around $500 I would think for a few hours of their time, but that would most likely be it. Since you guys seem to already agree on everything, it should be pretty quick. In my case, one we had things figured out, our mediator wrote up the official document for submitting to the court complete with legalese, and then we did the submission and court stuff ourselves to save money there too.

Well that answers that.

Kind of been wondering if I'm emotionally broken since my marriage failed. I've gotten excited and interested in someone else a couple times, but when things didn't work out, I was surprisingly not very hurt, and moved on without leaving much of myself behind.

I met someone, found out she is not looking for anything serious, and is moving out of province in August. I figured no big deal, that's fair, everyone is on the same page, let's just enjoy the ride. Turns out I find her incredible and that's really not possible for me. Cut ties (politely and respectfully) as soon as I realized what was happening, but I am floored by how upset I am. The speed of it is blowing my mind, I literally shared meatspace with her four times, and we barely texted.

Pro: I'm not dead inside! Con: Owww!

Oh man Dakuna, that sucks! That stuff hurts. I went through something very similar with one of the first women I met and got to know after my divorce. It was really hard to cut those ties. I'm glad to hear you're not dead inside though!

Hey folks it's been a while since I've posted in here. Well since my engagement fell through I've recovered big time. Still not dating I went on a few dates with a person but shes looking for something serious. Shes cool but we are just on different pages.

Are you using any dating sites, or did you ask her out the old fashioned way? I went with a couple different websites back in April.

Dating is so weird. I went from having zero prospects to trying to figure out how to juggle.

So far so good though.

Dakuna wrote:

Dating is so weird. I went from having zero prospects to trying to figure out how to juggle.

So far so good though.

Good on you. Hoping the tide turns for me. Although maybe a little more time alone wouldn't hurt.

Running Man wrote:

Are you using any dating sites, or did you ask her out the old fashioned way? I went with a couple different websites back in April.

I'm just using dating sites. Even though I'm about to delete a few of them. POF is trash event though that is where I met the person I went out with. Tinder can go. OkCupid seems cool i just don't use it enough

Beuks33 wrote:
Dakuna wrote:

Dating is so weird. I went from having zero prospects to trying to figure out how to juggle.

So far so good though.

Good on you. Hoping the tide turns for me. Although maybe a little more time alone wouldn't hurt.

I needed .. well, about 2 years it looks like. 3, maybe, depending how you look at it.

I just.. wasn't ready. At all. I flat out told people I would meet that I didn't want to be there. Kind of a bad way to start anything. Then one day.. I felt better. Different. Still took a while to get anywhere though.