THE TOTALLY OFFICIAL AND HEAVILY RESEARCHED AND NOT JUST BASICALLY MADE UP ON THE SPOT YEARLY AWARDS
Meh, why not.
MVP: It’s Tom Brady. Whether or not you hate him, it’s Tom Brady. He’s #1 in Football Outsider’s DYAR and DVOA ranking. He throws a TD on 5.5% of his passes, and his INT% is a patently ridiculous 1.5%. He’s got crackpot ideas about health and is trying to shill a stupid health and workout program that rises to potential criminal levels of fraud and he whines when he’s hit and everybody is sick of him but he’s the best QB in the game, and the best QB in the history of the league. I don’t even know how this could be an arguable point.
Offensive Player of the Year: Let’s face it; MVP is the “Best QB of the Year Unless Something Amazing Happens” award, and OPOY is the best WR/MVP/maybe TE if Gronk stays healthy award. It’s just how it goes. So, the best non-QB this year is Antonio Brown, who runs away with this. Fun stat; Jarvis Landry leads the league with 103 receptions, and Brown is second with 101. Landry is averaging an exciting 8.7 yards per catch, which is a number so low even Art Monk would laugh at it (OK, to be fair, Art Monk averaged a respectable 13.5 yards/catch in his career) . Antonio Brown is averaging 15.2, and his yards/game of 109.5 is a patently ridiculous 17.6 more yards/game than DeAndre Hopkins 91.9 (though, to be fair, Hopkins has basically been catching balls from buckets of moldy cheese all year). Antonio Brown does all this while being 5’10”, 180 pounds, and playing outside. He’s ridiculous.
Defensive Player of the Year: Aaron Donald of the Rams. As an interior lineman, 11 sacks, 5 forced fumbles, and constant wrecking of offensive lines.
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Stupid Kareem Hunt couldn’t keep it up, unlike the rest of the Chiefs offense (heyoooooo), so, (insert heavy sigh here), it’s Alvin Kamara of the Saints. Because having had to watch Drew Brees with a fast RB who can both run and catch is something I’ve never had to witness before.
Defensive Rookie of the Year: DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT. Marshon Lattimore. Of the Saints. How is it my least favorite team in the league winds up with the two best rookies? Lattimore has been phenomenal from week one, and will be depressing me for years to come.
Coach of the Year: Sean McVay, of the Rams. Taking that eternally awful and underwhelming team and spinning them into an offensive near juggernaut is mind-boggling. Jared Goff was one of the singly-worst rookie QBs ever last year, and now he’s an excellent young player. The Rams turned cast-offs like Robert Woods into threats, got production out of a healthy Sammy Watkins, revitalized Todd Gurley, and put together a real offensive line. I would have bet huge sums of money against the Rams winning six games this year. I also would have bet against the Jets winning a game, Case Keenum being a viable QB, and Jacksonville winning double-digit games, so I am clearly knowledgeable enough about football that I should be running this thread.
Most Disappointing Team of the Year: Is there anyone who doesn’t think this is the Bucs? This isn’t just my homerism; I wasn’t expecting playoffs for Tampa this year, regardless of how common that prediction was, but some decent play and a .500 or so record was a reasonable expectation. Instead, they’re 4-11, half the offense is injured, and CHRIS CONTE STILL HAS A JOB. While I think the Giants have a solid case for this, Tampa “wins”. While the offense has improved and Jameis Winston has been better in all sorts of ways that involve playing and not anything off the field (FYI HE’S A MORON), the pass rush and secondary have been utter garbage. It’s OK; it’s not like the NFL is a pass-focused league and those things are at all important.
I literally laughed out loud when James Harrison signed with the Patriots, and the fact his former teammates are bashing him for signing with a good team is idiotic. Hey, Maurkice Pouncey and friends, try bashing your own team for cutting your franchise’s all-time sack leader at the end of the season. Harrison signing with the Patriots makes perfect sense for him.
Jameis Winston ran onto the field after it was ruled he fumbled at the end of the game, and basically knocked over somebody trying to stop him. To add to the fun, Desean Jackson’s wrecked car was found with pot in it. So, basically, situation normal in Tampa.
Nick Foles looked good in his first action after the Wentz injury. This past Sunday was not his first action. The Eagles are screwed.
The Vikings shut out the Packers in Lambeau on Sunday, the second time the Packers have been shut out this year at home. Brett Hundley is bad at the football.
Speaking of bad at the football, Joe Flacco wins the Official GWJ NFL Thread 2017 award. Flacco’s YPA of 5.9 is the third-worst in the league, behind DeShonze Kizer and Brett Hundley (the worst), and all are far behind Tom Brady’s 8.1. Flacco “wins” just because of how up and down he’s been and how he’s dragging down a really good defense; Flacco’s YPA has been 5.02 or lower in six different games, and the team only won one of those. And it was against the Texans, so it doesn’t count anyways.
Houston Texans at Indianapolis Colts: The Colts have arguably had the best QB on the field in only three prior games this year; against the Browns, the Beathard 49ers, and Savage Texans (SUCH A BETTER TEAM NAME, GUYS). The Colts have, not coincidentally, won three games this year. This is game #4 when Jacoby Brissett is likely the best QB on either team; that statement is not a compliment to anyone.
Cleveland Browns at Pittsburgh Steelers: Sure, it’s theoretically a gimme. The Steelers are locked into at-worst the #2 seed and, if they win and the Patriots lose to the Jets, they move up to #1. Pittsburgh therefore has a reason to actually try to win this game, at least for a while, and, let’s face it, the Browns are 0-15 for a reason. Well, lots of reasons. A huge, massive, almost endless and incredibly-sad list of reasons. That being said, this is their last opportunity to avoid being placed into history as a shining light of athletic incompetence, and I expect the Cleveland Browns players to play their hardest and do their utmost to get that one, single win. I mean, it won’t matter and they’re going to get stomped, but at least they’ll try. It seemed appropriate to commemorate the Browns in the header pic this week.
San Francisco 49ers at Los Angeles Rams: The Rams are apparently sitting Jared Goff, Todd Gurley, and Aaron Donald. The 49ers late-season campaign has basically been a giant marketing campaign for free agents who just want to stare at Jimmy G’s dreamy face. Only one team cares here.
Jacksonville Jaguars at Tennessee Titans: The Titans more or less need to win to get in, but Mariota is in the midst of a really disappointing year, the running game has been off, and the Titans have lost three straight. Jacksonville has nothing to play for and will likely rest a bunch of starters, and they’ll still win, because Tennessee just doesn’t seem to care.
Carolina Panthers at Atlanta Falcons: This is simple; the Falcons win at home in week 17, they make the playoffs. My personal and not at all petty and childish hope is they build up a multi-touchdown lead, and wind up losing the game when Matt Ryan literally craps himself and the ball slips out of his slimy hands and bounds into the end zone, where Julius Peppers recovers for a TD. And then vomits, because poop and all.
A reminder; your two lowest weeks will be dropped, and that is not calculated here. So, you’ll have to wait a few days for your final standings and see how much Legion won by this year. These are the things that happen when Certis chooses to skip the football thread. Thanks a lot, Wentz.
Week 16 Results
Rat Boy: 3-2
Season to Date
Rat Boy: 44-36