Autism thread

Glycerine, have you tried easing the haircut with things that are usually pleasant for him? Things usually go smoothly for us if I have a few cartoons on hand (and a stylist who know what she’s doing!). It’s more about finding what works for him and working with that...

Wow, E... I just loooove it when people can't follow a simple instruction:

"Don't do X, because Y" and then blissfully do X... I have no words.

I'm pretty sure all the texts and manuscripts that Lovecraft wrote about, that drove everyone mad, were written by these kinds of idiots - normal, intelligent people reading them go insane, in the attempt to comprehend...

Then they had the nerve to even ask you to pay for the "service"!!!

That sh*t breaks my f***ing brain.

I wouldn't have paid a dime. f*ck that. Don't want to listen to the customer? Guess you don't want to get paid.

Haircuts were bad in the beginning, but around age 3 or so Tristan went with it as long as we distracted him. We'd take him to a place that had cartoons on a TV right in front of him, and if I felt he was about to melt down, I'd pull out my phone which works a lot better for keeping him occupied. But the best is when my wife cuts his hair, it always goes a lot smoother than having a stranger do it.

Oddly enough, I'm the worst when it comes to haircuts at this point. Having someone touching me is super stressful, then toss on the vibrations, the falling hair, the itching, the noise, someone talking... I'm tensing up just thinking about it. It's too much for me, too much to process all at once, so I started just cutting my own hair about 10 years ago. I just buzz it over with a 1, so it's not particularly difficult, and then I can hop right into the shower.

Eleima wrote:

I am beyond livid right now.
...
As we’re preparing to leave, she tells me “you’re so brave! I couldn’t do what you. When I got a Down syndrome diagnosis when I was pregnant, I aborted”
Sooooo you think my kid shouldn’t have existed.........

And to add insult to injury, I had to pay full price for both haircuts.

Holy cow some people are idiots. At the very least I would try and get in touch with the manager, unless that would make you too angry having to deal with what happened again. It's amazing that she couldn't see what they're saying is so incredibly stupid.

My son has pretty mild autism. In kindergarten and first grade he had a really difficult time behaving in an expected way at school. He'd get way too close to kids and have big reactions to things that bothered him. He's always attended the standard classes, but he's also gotten really good help at school from their special ed department. He's in fifth grade now and has almost no behavior issues in school - he saves that for us at home

It does make it so he has a difficult time making friends, that's the hardest part. He's asked me why does person X want to be friends with this person and not himself. I think kids remember some of the things he did earlier in school and don't forget that he behaved differently.

Eleima wrote:

Glycerine, have you tried easing the haircut with things that are usually pleasant for him? Things usually go smoothly for us if I have a few cartoons on hand (and a stylist who know what she’s doing!). It’s more about finding what works for him and working with that...

Usually The Peanuts Movie on mom’s phone does the trick. The last couple times he was fine and didn’t really move much at all, but for some reason on this last one he wasn’t having it. My guess is it was something about the stylist he just did not like. My wife said she wasn’t the same person so I’m thinking that was a big part of it. One of his therapists offered to bring her clippers and give it a try, so next session we will see what happens.

Have you considered speaking with the management at the place you go regarding your experience? If that woman had just listened to you instead of insisting on doing things her way the outcome would have been very different. Makes you wonder how many other people she’s done the same thing to.

So we went to another hair dresser, the one who did my hair when I went to the opera the other week, and she was great. The parlor wasn’t too busy, and she has a nephew who’s autistic so she knew what to expect. He was fussy but things went reasonably well. One of the things the hairdresser told me to do was take a pic because she was appalled at how the other girl had botched the job. So yeah, I’ll be going back to complain to the owner, for sure.

My wife gives me 2 1/2 yr old son a haircut at home in the high chair, with the iPad on it. I have to kinda keep his arms down so that he doesn't get his fingers in the buzzer. Last week was our 4th time giving him a cut and he was actually really good! He was a little fussy and annoyed but didn't throw himself around like the first time.

We aren't sure if the brushing and is helping in regards to the haircut but we know from his therapists at school that it's working. He's got a sensory diet from his OT for brushing and joint compressions.

I also finished watching a Netflix Show called Mind Hunter that takes place in the 70's. One of the main characters has a son that is obviously a nonverbal autistic boy and they are struggling to figure out how to help him and are not sure whats going on. I thought it was a really interesting side story and shows how Autism is getting more and more into the public spotlight. The more people are at least aware and more understanding, the better we all are.

No one want's to have a child with ASD but I am happy that my son was born in an age where there are many different ways to combat and approach it at all ages.

I was handing out candy last night dressed as Blue Demon (Mexican luchador) and could barely hear anything with the full head mask on. There was a group of kids that came by and I asked what each of them were. One girl (about 12) said something really fast and I couldn't make it out. So I asked her again and she said "vampire princess LIKE I SAID!" and then ran off.

That's when her mom told her to come back and say it politely, which she did without objection and I laughed and told her I got it now. Her mom apologized and I told her it was okay and that I recognized the spectrum behavior. She thanked me for being understanding and went on.

Haircuts will be an ongoing struggle for us as well. It's not that our son is sensory averse to them. He just can't tolerate sitting still for very long and will try the grab the scissors and stuff.

Plus, my wife is picky about his haircut so she's always getting annoyed at the stylist.

So, I had the bright idea to try this out- the Flowbee AKA Suck Kut. Needless to say, this did not result in a good haircut and I figured I'd rather my wife be annoyed at someone else for botching his haircut instead of me. So that sucker wound up in the closet and eventually the trash.

In general for us here, things with our son are up and down, good days and bad days. But I fear the overall trend is that things are gradually getting tougher as he gets bigger and isn't developing skills at a fast enough rate to compensate.

My wife brought up the idea of switching my son to a different school district for middle school. He is in 5th grade now and middle school starts at 6th grade. My gut reaction is, "I like his current school district.", but I don't know what would be best for him.

Background...
My son was diagnosed by the school district as having mild / moderate autism in 4K (pre kindergarten). It was mostly exhibited by not knowing how to behave socially, having inappropriate reactions to things (not realizing when someone was hurt, yelling / crying over what is usually minor things, etc..). He still had big reactions and unexpected behavior through 2nd grade. The school district was great at giving him help. In 3rd grade he made a notable improvement, but still enough unexpected behavior so kids would find some of his reactions strange. In 4th and now in 5th grade he is doing great - still not always typical kid behavior, but much much better.

The problem is that kids aren't too interested in being friends with him and I think it is because they remember the things he used to do. He's been friends with a group of socially immature girls (not not autistic as far as I know) for the last several years, but they haven't been good friends to him. I think being friends with these girls, who always create a lot of drama within the group, has hurt his opportunity to make other friendships and develop socially himself. He doesn't think anyone likes him so he is reluctant to try and do things with anyone else. And now, even they don't want to play with him at recess (which I actually think is a good thing). We have been trying to encourage him to just participate in more group activities during recess - even if he isn't 'friends' with the other kids. Just be involved playing in the group.

Next year our plan is for my wife to do a 6 month sabbatical in Grenoble, France. We would return to the US in time for my son to start the 2nd half of middle school here (After going to an English school in Grenoble for the first half). My wife doesn't think he will be able to shake the reputation he has and kids will still avoid him in middle school. I think there will be 4 other elementary schools that will be going to this middle school. She thinks it is worth considering going to a neighboring middle school so he gets a fresh start.

Any advice? Has anyone been through a similar situation? I just want my son to not feel like no one likes him and get a good friend or two.

Thanks,
Rob

Has the subject been broached with him yet? Does he seem to have an opinion?

gewy wrote:

Has the subject been broached with him yet? Does he seem to have an opinion?

No, but he has sometimes said that he wishes we could move. I do think his current school district is better than the neighboring one.

Hard to say. My kids are in K and 2nd, so I've got some time before I get to where you are.

From my own experience, I grew up in an incredibly small school system. My graduating class was 149, which was funneled in from two elementary schools through one middle and high school. There were certainly outcasts that were seen as kind of weird, but if I remember right, most of those opinions were really formed during middle school, not elementary. I think most of us are pretty awkward in elementy.

I get that you want him in the best school, but if he can't focus on the work, it doesn't matter how good the school is. If it's that bad, I'd just move him. But I'd push him a little more to see if you can get a solid answer out of him. He's probably in a position where the new school offers new possibilities but he's afraid it'll just be the same, or possibly worse since he doesn't know anyone. It's easier to stick with the evil we know instead of the evil we fear.

I’m sorry, I don’t have much feedback for you, my kids are 6 and 3. But my personal experience is much similar to PurE’s. I was in a small school (a weird school, you could say, with almost exclusively UN and embassy brats). Those of us who didn’t move around pretty much did the entirety of our education together and it’s hard to shake opinions that have been made at an early stage. A change could be good for him, but it might also be hard to handle. I can’t say for sure which option would be be best, but I do hope you choose wisely. (Insert obligatory Last Crusade pic here ) Gravey might be on to something, he’s getting older so perhaps he could be involved in the process?

Maybe we will see how the rest of the year plays out and then talk to him about whether he would want to switch when we return from France in 2019. Thanks for the input all.

(typed out 3 different posts, and rejected them all I'm going to try again)

My wife woke up crying, a while back, upset over our son's difficulty in cultivating friendships. He's just turned 14 (in grade 9), and doesn't have anyone. He never talks about the other kids at school - I often wish I could GoPro his whole day to see what it's like, but I feel like he's just so alone... and it breaks my heart.

He's such a sweet, and funny kid, but I'm sure his outbursts and his "weirdness" (all the other inappropriate un-funny things he thinks are funny) pushes many (if not all) of his peers away.

(I can't get through a whole sentence without crying )

Video games are his obsession - Skyrim, Fallout, and (at #1) Minecraft. When he gets time on my PC he goes straight for XCOM2. He would lose entire days, playing games, if we didn't interrupt him. Even so, there are days where he will approach us and tell us that he's lonely, we try to do something together, but I never feel like "we" are enough.

I have more, but that's all for now... I need an emotional break.

I have those similar feelings Wink, and it is difficult because there isn't a lot I feel I can do. I've been thinking of having my son join a group outside of school, like the Boy Scouts, to get a fresh start with a new group of kids. I'm just not crazy about the Boy Scouts so I've been hesitant.

I've been wondering if it would help my son and maybe others with autism, if he just flat out told some people - "I have autism and sometimes I do things that you might not understand and seem different or weird to you. I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable or hurt your feelings - it's just how I am and I hope you can accept that." Something along those lines.

Most kids aren't bad kids, and may make a better effort at being accepting if they know someone is having some difficulties.

One thing that I try to remember is that I think it will get better with age. First, my son has gotten better and better and controlling his unexpected behaviors when with peers. Also, as he gets older I'd hope people are more accepting.

In any case, know that your not alone in trying to deal with these things Wink. I know that doesn't make the problems you're trying to deal with any easier.

Wink and Robc: Have you looked into or made use of social skills training groups in your area? They're available starting at kindergarten (sometimes younger) and go on into adulthood. The challenges will never go away, but having a known framework and the tools to deal with them can make a huge difference to many kids on the spectrum.

It might also be useful to look into PRT if you haven't already. I'm highly critical of some of the language surrounding it (people who say it's used to "cure autism") but it also helps to equip people on the spectrum with what they need to interface with social situations and come out successful.

I started the post above earlier this morning while working, and have done some more thinking in the meantime.

One thing I would be careful of as a parent of an ASD kid is thinking too much about how I'd feel in their situation. Stuff that bothers you may not bother them, and vice-versa. This is true of any child, but especially these kids. Going too deep in that direction can overshadow what they're really feeling and who they are. That's such an easy thing to do out of love, yet it doesn't help.

Instead, do everything you can to provide them with what they need to communicate their inner self with you and others. Keep communication open and honest. Model behaviors like talking about your own personal feelings and the things which you find challenging. Do your own soul searching in front of them. I've learned an incredible amount about myself from having a daughter on the spectrum, and she continues to be with me on that journey. Now she's 16, attending college classes in person, and befriending adults. She's seen me unpack my inner stuff to deal with it so much that it's natural for her to do the same without any shame around people she knows.

Also - I'm with you on the honesty part, robc. "Be shamelessly who you are." is a mantra with all of my kids. People can deal with a known quantity better than a mystery. Being on the spectrum is a piece, but there's a lot more uniqueness beyond that. Nurture it all. Celebrate the universe that is this person. It includes that piece, and that's okay. We need all kinds in this world.

LouZiffer wrote:

Wink and Robc: Have you looked into or made use of social skills training groups in your area?
...
It might also be useful to look into PRT if you haven't already.

My son has been getting social skills training through the school district starting in 4K. That is probably responsible for a lot of the progress he has made since then. Through 2nd grade, he always had a teacher assistant in his classes with him. At first they sat with him, but them they took a more background roll. He stopped needing one in 3rd grade.

Also, while he has been in the standard classes, he would meet with a special ed teacher to do social training - going over how to communicate his feelings, reading other peoples' feelings, social situations, etc... This used to happen every day, but with the improvement he has made, he doesn't meet as frequently anymore. We are so happy with the progress he has made and thankful that our school district has provided such good services.

I've never heard of PRT. I'll have to ask if that has been incorporated into what the school does. We have been taking most of our direction from them since they have had great success helping him.

LouZiffer wrote:

One thing I would be careful of as a parent of an ASD kid is thinking too much about how I'd feel in their situation. Stuff that bothers you may not bother them, and vice-versa. This is true of any child, but especially these kids. Going too deep in that direction can overshadow what they're really feeling and who they are. That's such an easy thing to do out of love, yet it doesn't help.

Instead, do everything you can to provide them with what they need to communicate their inner self with you and others. Keep communication open and honest. Model behaviors like talking about your own personal feelings and the things which you find challenging. Do your own soul searching in front of them. I've learned an incredible amount about myself from having a daughter on the spectrum, and she continues to be with me on that journey. Now she's 16, attending college classes in person, and befriending adults. She's seen me unpack my inner stuff to deal with it so much that it's natural for her to do the same without any shame around people she knows.

Also - I'm with you on the honesty part, robc. "Be shamelessly who you are." is a mantra with all of my kids. People can deal with a known quantity better than a mystery. Being on the spectrum is a piece, but there's a lot more uniqueness beyond that. Nurture it all. Celebrate the universe that is this person. It includes that piece, and that's okay. We need all kinds in this world.

Thanks for the advice and sharing your situation. I'm glad to hear that your daughter is dealing with the challenges that being on the spectrum can bring!

I wouldn't be concerned about the friends so much if my son wasn't concerned about it. He wants to have friends and doesn't understand why those he views as being 'mean' have more friends than he does. He has tended to take minor offenses very personally. He has a hard time ignoring things many kids ignore and he has told the teacher or bus driver on kids more times than their behavior has probably warranted. This doesn't help making friends - even with kids who aren't the ones he has told on. This is an area is has improved upon but we are still working with him.

It bothers him, too. I've given him the biggest hugs, while he's cried. I'm not a lot of help on the friends front, either - probably why it bothers me, too. I remember my own feelings of loneliness, and struggles in forming friendships. Even now, I like to think that I'm relatively well-liked, but I don't feel like I have "actual" friends... eh, now I feel like I'm being maudlin, and woe-is-me - not really my intent, and I don't want to say "Oh, I'm fine" but I kind of am. Or, at least, it doesn't bother me very often. (I'm, also not blind to the fact that I'm very open here, I'll call Goodjers "friends" without having met a single one of you, but am pretty terrified of ever actually meeting any of you face-to-face...)

I'm just gonna shut up, now. I have started looking into local ASD youth social groups, we'll see how it goes. I want better for him, not just my not-so-great social-teachings.

Honestly... Adolescence just plain sucks, particularly when you're on the spectrum. You get bullied, you get ostracized. And sometimes, you're just happier sticking your nose in a book off in a corner at a recess. You make one or two friends, eventually, but mostly, you're happier playing video games and reading or writing. I'm speaking for personal experience here, and it's definitely nothing set in stone. But I really feel for the you guys, but hang in there. It will get better.
It got better for me after high school, in college. And I learned, I got older, wiser, less naive, more cautious. I know how to distinguish friend from foe from hypocrite-you-should-not-trust-but-need-to-pretend-you-do (most of the time, at any rate).
Local ASD youth groups would definitely be a great resource, I'm guessing, but I couldn't say for sure, since I never had access to one. Don't force it though, sometimes all you need is just curling up in your happy space while you wait for the storm to pass.

Hang in there, gang. Hugs to all those who want them.

We just had an IEP meeting about my son. He's met his IEP goals for the school year already! We're writing new goals for him, and have decided to fade support later this fall and see how things go. Good news - he has grown so much.

He has friends and plays/talks with them regularly, but often spends recess on his own, we learned at the conference. The school principal, who has a special ed background, said what I'm reading above: that being on his own is what he is choosing, and that that's OK. The recharge time, actually, is something I need pretty regularly as well.

Thanks for your comments and advice Eleima. I figure it will get better as he gets older, but it seems like such a long time from now. Once he gets to middle school there will also be more options to find clubs and activities to get together with kids who share interests. At least at home my wife and I spend time with him to play and talk. I started driving him to school so he didn't have to endure the bus ride. This gives us a chance for some pre-school ping pong.

My son needed a pep talk yesterday before school to help him get past the girls who no longer want to play with him. And as for them I say good riddance because they were not good friends to him. We talked about some of his options - he wants to play with other kids but is afraid of rejection.

He can play a game like tetherball or scatterball (dodgeball) where anyone can just join in. There is another boy who is on the spectrum (also fairly mild) who frequently just sits by himself that he invite to climb on the equipment or just talk to. There is a boy with more severe autism that likes to play ball who is always happy to have a playmate. He has more trouble going to groups of classmates who are already playing together, but there are people who are generally nice.

I also reminded him to say things like good game, or nice shot when playing games with others. He doesn't do those things naturally. Participating in those group games and showing he is kind may be a good way to build a friendship over time.

from my brother's facebook feed.

It’s never a dull moment in the [name redacted] household.

[name redacted]’s teacher called me from school to inform me that he went outside and swallowed a 4-5 inch live snake. They called poison control but he seems to be fine.

Live report tomorrow morning from the bathroom.

O_O yikes

I believe snake venom is only dangerous if it reaches the blood stream, which doesn't happen in the stomach. So he should be fine, except he now has snake venom powers.

Pretty sure I'd notice if I got bit from inside my stomach by a venomous snake.

I'm sorry, but swallowing a snake is pretty badass... gross, but badass. Maybe he could go on to doing Vegas shows