Too Long; Didn't Play: Save Jesus

Sponsored By: Prozac

Time Salvating: three minutes, sixteen seconds.

Kings Review

It's a good thing God mellowed after having a kid, because somebody would be righteously smited over this otherwise.

Psalms Review

And so it was that The Writer was the beneficiary of extreme generosity on behalf of The Community. And The Community said unto him, “Go forth, or possibly even third, and write ye reviews of yon games.”

But the writer looked upon the bounty laid before him, and wept. “Oh, what am I to do?” He cried. “Your generosity is too great, and I am overwhelmed. How can I possibly write this many reviews?”

And The Community smiled, and replied, “Just take your time. No rush.”

That is when The Writer knew. “Time!” Said he. “Time is the key to all!”

And so The Writer began to play each game, one hour in its turn. Give or take, that is, depending upon whether he wanted to play that much, for it is written that no iPhone-port shall command more time than a decently problematic bowel movement. (Lavatory 4:27)

And at the end of each hour, The Writer was inspired to write, and was filled with joy. He shared his writings with The Community, who took them kindly and said, “This’ll do.”

Until one day The Writer was presented a dilemma: a game that featured controversial subject matter and was an iPhone port. He was filled with trepidation as he surveyed the choice before him. Would he write a blandly informative review, detailing mechanics and graphics and assessing an arbitrary number to something called “tilt?” Or would he be bold, and attempt to find humor in the premise and execution of the game?

This choice is one that writers of all stripes must face at some point in their lives, and is no less difficult for being so clichéd. So The Writer sat, looking at the iPad he occasionally wrote with, and pondered. He pondered what was the right thing to do, he pondered what the costs of making the wrong choice would be. Mainly he pondered whether he had enough bottle caps to build a nuclear power plant, or if he should just build and upgrade a standard one.

Inspiration struck him: He would be bold and, hopefully, funny. For, to The Writer, there is no greater sin than to be dull, and a thousand words about an iPhone puzzle game would be nothing if not dull.

So he wrote, assured in his heart that even if the review bombed, he would likely be given a chance next week, and anyway what's life without a few risks?

But what of the game? Well, as it turned out, with all the garment-rending and teeth-gnashing, the Writer forgot to review it.

Such are the vicissitudes of the comedy reviewer.

Thus ends our homily. Please turn to page forty-seven in your hymnal, “A Mighty Boulder Rocks Our Lord.”

Will The Writer turn the other mouse-click?

It's an iOS port of a physics-based puzzle game. I would be hard-pressed to spend more time with it even if the premise of redirecting boulders to kill Roman soldiers in an effort to Save Jesus Christ didn't make me vaguely uncomfortable.

So no, I'm pretty much washing my hands of this game.

Aw geez. I did not just write that, did I? Well, it’s etched in stone now…

Ok, I’m just going to stop.

Is it the Dark Souls of vaguely blasphemous iPhone ports?

Sometimes it seems like this sort of game is designed to be infuriatingly difficult. While I didn't progress far enough into the game to hit that particular wall, I am utterly convinced that it's in there. However, since all physics-based iOS ports are infuriatingly difficult, to be the Dark Souls of its genre it needs to impress me with its malicious disregard for the player’s time. In that light, I'm going to give Save Jesus three Johns out of sixteen.

Comments

I ... uh, ummm, ah ... I ... can't even ....

This is a good review.

I came to this article expecting to be vaguely offended.

I left this article vaguely amused, instead.

Well done!

In case you're a heathen, like me:

John 3:16 wrote:

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life

If I delete this app from my iPhone tomorrow, will it automatically upload to my iPhone on Sunday?

DT wrote:

So no, I'm pretty much washing my hands of this game.

You almost made it all the way to the end!

bhchrist wrote:

If I delete this app from my iPhone tomorrow, will it automatically upload to my iPhone on Sunday?

Bravo.

I was going to post something about how it would be ironic if this game were put on sale this weekend. Turns out, it is on sale for 30 pieces of silver (or $0.49 anyway) until April 24.

WolverineJon wrote:

I came to this article expecting to be vaguely offended.

I left this article vaguely amused, instead.

Well done!

I think you had it right the first time. I can see what he's going for here, but it's mostly just offensive.

MrMetonymy wrote:
WolverineJon wrote:

I came to this article expecting to be vaguely offended.

I left this article vaguely amused, instead.

Well done!

I think you had it right the first time. I can see what he's going for here, but it's mostly just offensive.

I'm curious to hear more about this. What about DT's writing put you off, or was it just that he wrote about this game at all? We can take this to PM if you prefer.

wordsmythe wrote:
MrMetonymy wrote:
WolverineJon wrote:

I came to this article expecting to be vaguely offended.

I left this article vaguely amused, instead.

Well done!

I think you had it right the first time. I can see what he's going for here, but it's mostly just offensive.

I'm curious to hear more about this. What about DT's writing put you off, or was it just that he wrote about this game at all? We can take this to PM if you prefer.

We can move this to PM if you want, but I'm fine with clarifying it here.

I don't have anything against DT personally, but I honestly dislike everything he's ever done on the site or on the podcast, which almost certainly colors my perception on this piece. That sounds harsh, but his style just isn't for me. I'm glad he's found an outlet for his creativity, but I'm not his audience.

As far as the article itself, I think it's tone deaf and poorly timed. A good chunk of this is surely on me, too, because even if I'm far from the best or most observant Catholic out there, posting this just before the holiday felt particularly off-putting.

Again, maybe this is just me projecting, but the modern tendency to mock religion, especially in the typically lefty circles I usually run in (and which I'm usually happy to see reflected on this site), occasionally rubs me the wrong way. Half-baked jokes in this article, like "(Lavatory 4:27)," exacerbate this and, to make things worse, just fall flat. To his credit, DT acknowledges that he's taking a risk with this subject matter, but even if I appreciate that sentiment it still doesn't make up for handling it poorly.

TL;DR: I thought this article tackles a game that was in poor taste to begin with weak jokes and bad timing, which only accentuates the things I was predisposed to dislike about it in the first place.

I hope this clarifies, Wordsmythe. And DT, despite my preferences and my comments above, I hope you keep making content that makes you happy and keeps you fulfilled. Even if I'm not your audience, there are certainly people here who enjoy your work, so keep it up.

Oh my gosh, you've outdone yourself, DoubtingT. I also played this game, and I can safely say that this review is a gazillon times better than the game itself.

First of all, MrMetomyny, I want to thank you for your honesty.

I was inspired by an old Rowan Atkinson skit which, in retrospect, probably wasn't the best model for inoffensive humor anyway.

I had no intention of offending or mocking anyone. Sometimes comedy writing is dangerous like that, and sometimes a joke can be taken too far.

doubtingthomas396 wrote:

First of all, MrMetomyny, I want to thank you for your honesty.

I was inspired by an old Rowan Atkinson skit which, in retrospect, probably wasn't the best model for inoffensive humor anyway.

I had no intention of offending or mocking anyone. Sometimes comedy writing is dangerous like that, and sometimes a joke can be taken too far.

I enjoyed the writing quite a bit, but then I have always enjoyed co-opting a period writing style to a non-traditional topic, especially if used for comedic ends. I also wildly enjoyed Christopher Moore's Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal, which many interpreted as an attack on religion yet I felt it was in many ways quite the opposite. This may preclude me from the mythical general consensus, but your tone felt measured and thoughtful and struck the right chords for my tastes.