DSGamer Down Under (Australia) and back

Today was a rough day. It started with me running behind on the way to the apartment inspection and failing to get my usual breakfast. I didn't end up with lunch until about 3:30 after the movers had left. Not sure if that contributed to my day, but I was pretty anxious yet again and had other symptoms of my medication taper like the feeling of my hair standing on end, really sensitive skin (my clothes felt like sandpaper at times), extreme muscle tightness in my neck, leg twitching and the usual left foot pain.

Because of that I ended up spending some of the day worried that I shouldn't be here on my own. I'm still thinking about that right now. I wish I knew if this was going to pass. If it's not I should probably go back to Texas where I was staying with family.

The space with my in-laws really suited where I was at the time and they were a great fit for what I needed in this phase. Plus their home is nestled in some woods in the middle of a small town in East Texas. It was a great place to be and I think I should have spent more time there before my next move. One of the hardest things about all of this is my wife is my rock. She's a superstar. She gets this whole thing more than I can imagine most spouses getting it. And I feel much safer in her company. She'll be here in two weeks, but that's still two weeks of me being on my own.

Are you set up enough to Skype with your wife DS?

Just to get that connection going again and a regular, scheduled meet time to add regularity to a new environment/schedule.

Sorry to hear you had a bad one, DSG. Yesterday was one of my personal worst ever as well.

Stay strong, bro! Seek out people who support you.

Moving always adds stress and causes anxiety in everyone, I wouldn't sweat it and I bet it is better in a few days when the house is together and you settle in.

Maybe. I think I might go back to Texas. For me this goes beyond anxiety. Since it's tied into my psych medication withdrawal and how hard that is on my nervous system it turns into all kinds of scary physical symptoms. Insomnia, runaway nerve pain, muscle twitching, numb extremities and other things. I don't know if I want to or should be alone. And it's another 6 weeks before my wife is back for good. I think I jumped the gun on leaving Texas. I think I need to spend more time with my family.

It's funny you mention the moving, Leaping. I saw my new psychologist for the second time yesterday. She spent about 30 minutes going through all my moves to keep them straight. I've moved 4 times in the last 2 years including moving to another country. That's not counting couch / hotel surfing. She said, "Do you realize that for any normal person these are major life events that can trigger people?" I cried so hard. I've honestly tried hard to support my wife, knowing that she was supporting me in this whole thing, but when the doctor put it like that I just emptied emotionally and finally felt some empathy towards myself for enduring all this chaos.

In the middle of this I'm trying to learn how not to just push through everything, but how to be an actual full human being. To cook healthy meals for myself. To get exercise without going to extremes. Enjoy a video game or TV show without binging. To not feel like I have to buy everything or consume all content. To listen to other people. To not try to solve all problems. To take help if it's offered and not rush to do the "best" or most "perfect" thing. I need to learn how to be human again, I think. I need to relearn how to be a fallible, vulnerable human being by just sitting still for a while. I don't know if there's any other way through this. And I think the best place for me to do that might be with family.

Not that you need my approval, but from all you've said, I think it's a very good idea to go back and be with your family. It sounds like you know what's best, so I think you should go ahead and give yourself permission to make this change of plans and go where you feel safest.

Don't try to boil the ocean, DS. Each thing you're trying to change is inducing stress. It's okay to do some and put others off until you've made some progress. Triage and pick a few things that are most important to you, maybe, and give yourself some slack on the others. If you need family time, take it. The world is not going to stop because you took some time to feel better.

The fact that you've gone through all these moves and other changes and stresses, with the background anxiety and everything else, and you're still here... That means you're *stronger* than most people. Probably much stronger, and you should stop to be thankful for that every now and then. Don't lose track of the big picture in that regard. Once you get settled somewhere again, the tools you've developed will allow you to just ride easily over what to most people would be crushing stress.

It gets better.

Yeah if you think a few more weeks with family would help, go back. What do you have to lose! The house will wait for you.

I'm going back. My wife made a flight for me tomorrow. I guess we're going to look at this as a blip. There's some stuff in the apartment early and we'll come back when we come back together.

I guess as a side benefit I got to meet with my new therapist twice this week. She seems like she's going to be really good. I think I have a lot of work to do since this is the third time in 2 years where I felt like I was doing pretty okay and then ran aground quickly. I have some stuff to figure out.

But yeah, mostly I think I need to give myself time. These are huge transitions and I've made a lot of them in a short amount of time.

Robear wrote:

Don't try to boil the ocean, DS. Each thing you're trying to change is inducing stress. It's okay to do some and put others off until you've made some progress. Triage and pick a few things that are most important to you, maybe, and give yourself some slack on the others. If you need family time, take it. The world is not going to stop because you took some time to feel better.

That's where I finally landed. I've pushed so hard for so much of my life to try to outrun my parents' fate and in the process I've neglected opportunities to stop and deal with my mental health in a more substantial way. I've done well enough for someone built like me, but I just need to take a break and try to get well.

Robear wrote:

The fact that you've gone through all these moves and other changes and stresses, with the background anxiety and everything else, and you're still here... That means you're *stronger* than most people. Probably much stronger, and you should stop to be thankful for that every now and then. Don't lose track of the big picture in that regard. Once you get settled somewhere again, the tools you've developed will allow you to just ride easily over what to most people would be crushing stress.

It gets better. :-)

Thanks. I'll try to see it that way.

DSGamer wrote:
Robear wrote:

Don't try to boil the ocean, DS. Each thing you're trying to change is inducing stress. It's okay to do some and put others off until you've made some progress. Triage and pick a few things that are most important to you, maybe, and give yourself some slack on the others. If you need family time, take it. The world is not going to stop because you took some time to feel better.

That's where I finally landed. I've pushed so hard for so much of my life to try to outrun my parents' fate and in the process I've neglected opportunities to stop and deal with my mental health in a more substantial way. I've done well enough for someone built like me, but I just need to take a break and try to get well.

I'm glad for you that this is where you've come down. I don't have depression or anxiety and what you've been through the last few years has been stressing me out. If I was going through it I'd be a wreck.

Eat the elephant slowly. And you're doing great.

MrDeVil909 wrote:

I'm glad for you that this is where you've come down. I don't have depression or anxiety and what you've been through the last few years has been stressing me out. If I was going through it I'd be a wreck.

Eat the elephant slowly. And you're doing great.

I am kind of a wreck right now. There have been times where I've wondered if I'll get through this. If I should check myself into in inpatient facility. If I'll work again. This has been the hardest thing I've ever done, to make so many big transitions in this state.

I think I should go back to Australia. Talk me out of this. Why shouldn't I?

It seems they weren't really equipped to help with your medical issues.

We still have Cory Bernardi, Pauline Hanson and David Leyonhjelm. The One Nation party gained 3 plus seats, I forget. Sorry to shatter the dream.

That aside, Australia felt like a kinder society. Maybe it was just the words and the tone and I didn't read the undercurrents well enough, but it felt like a kinder society.

Still in Texas with family. I'm pretty stable and just trying to enjoy my time with family and play out the string until I return to Oregon. The last 3 weeks have been a complete sh*t show. I didn't honestly think Trump would win and I wasn't prepared for how it would affect me. I've taken steps to get through it. Stuff like reducing my exposure to media, spending more time taking a break from social networks, etc. It's helped some, but I still feel like I'm mostly just surviving for now. I need to get out in nature more and get away from people.

I somehow missed the November 9-10th discussion. Good luck, DSG!

Going home today. 1 week until my wife returns from Australia. I feel okay. I'm not nervous like last time I attempted to return home. I'm mostly ready to move forward and eager to get settled and figure out where I go, health wise, once I get there.

Good luck! Get the place all fancified for your wife's welcome home.

I hope you find home to be a comforting, welcoming place!

Things have gone pretty well since getting home. We mostly moved in, I put up Christmas light and we're enjoying being back together. I have no clue what to do with myself right now. We can't afford for me to not be working. But I'm kind of scared to take a job because I don't know how my brain and my nervous system will respond. I restart therapy on Tuesday. Hopefully she can help answer some of those questions. I need a path forward. I feel stuck.

DSGamer wrote:

Things have gone pretty well since getting home. We mostly moved in, I put up Christmas light and we're enjoying being back together. I have no clue what to do with myself right now. We can't afford for me to not be working. But I'm kind of scared to take a job because I don't know how my brain and my nervous system will respond. I restart therapy on Tuesday. Hopefully she can help answer some of those questions. I need a path forward. I feel stuck.

Can you do "something else"?

I came off a pretty epic downward spiral 5-6 years ago. I'd been a graphic designer for over 25 years, and I was becoming the stay-at-home parent, with a view to do that part time/freelance from home.

It all got too difficult, the medication I was on was numbing my brain to the point of disconnection, and we were getting into a bad place financially.

I eventually applied to be a "night filler" at my local supermarket (Woolies), just grunt work, refilling shelves, and it did me a world of good.

Constant physical labor, 5 hours a night, it kept me healthy (I lost 10Kg in the first 2 months), and gave me the freedom to be where my kids needed me during the day.

4 years on, I'm still plugging away at it, and I really don't miss the pressure to be creative "on the clock". I've also found I can funnel that energy into things around the house, ways I engage with the kids, and lots of other stuff (volunteering during the day, stuff like that).

m0nk3yboy that's pretty close to where I'm leaning. I love being able to do things for my kids, and I wish I meant that in merely altruistic terms but it's selfishly so much easier to be enamored with even carting my boys to and from school than going to my work desk. I'm hoping by this time next year I've made some kind of change, either in the workplace or lack thereof.

ETA: Crap, sorry for slight thread-jack. DSGamer, what m0nk3yboy said.

America doesn't pay the same way Australia does. If the wages were better I'd absolutely consider something like that. I'm still considering something like that. I want to try and keep my career, even if just briefly until I figure out a better plan. But that's definitely under consideration either way. I have to survive. Above all else I have to survive.

DSGamer wrote:

America doesn't pay the same way Australia does. If the wages were better I'd absolutely consider something like that. I'm still considering something like that. I want to try and keep my career, even if just briefly until I figure out a better plan. But that's definitely under consideration either way. I have to survive. Above all else I have to survive.

At 43, I'm on the same pay rate as the 20 year olds Woolies employs. I don't clear $400 a week, but it covers our groceries for the week ($300-350), with some change left over to go towards the bills. My wife covers the bulk of the income (mortgage, utilities, insurance), and thank fully that allows the ends to meet as they need to.

I had to curb my spending, and we have a fairly tight budget, but we are making it work. We've just had to recalibrate a few of our expectations on what we "can" do, and what we "want" to do.

Surviving is good. Keep fighting the good fight my friend

So the day after I last posted in this thread my mom passed away. I've been dealing with that ever since. Both the emotional side and the crisis of trying to secure my dad's future. At this point I don't know what to do with myself, though. My dad will be up here in Oregon with us soon. His finances are relatively straightened out, I think. Now I need to figure out what I want to do. I haven't been able to even think about my career or my future for a long time now. Ever since my mom passed it's been one rolling crisis. Now I finally have a moment to catch my breath and I have no idea where to start.

I tried a job interview last week and I completely bombed it. Afterwords I just sobbed. I don't know how I come back from all of this. Moving back from a foreign country, my health problems, my mom's death and all this time off. I'm crazy rusty. When I'm in a job interview and someone asks me what my favorite programming blogs are I want to punch them in the nuts. I've been calling hospitals and Social Security offices on my dad's behalf. I haven't had the chance to think about programming for months now.

I don't know where to start or what to do. I'm so lost.

Very sorry to hear about your mom, DSG. Hang in there. That plus taking care of your dad would be tough for anyone. My wife has to manage all of her mom's affairs, and it's super draining for her.

On the interview front, practice, even if it's by yourself.

Good luck!

I was talking to Fed the last couple of days about the Hurricane and it reminded me that I should thank everyone for their messages and support as I navigated the abrupt end of my short, but fun stint in Australia. I've literally been operating, for almost a year, in survival mode. I would frequently find myself quoting Dory from "Finding Dory". "Just Keep Swimming".

Anyway, I've finally reached a point where I'm not just surviving and I figured it was worth an update. It was a little over a year ago that things went south for me. I'm not even sure what you'd call it. I guess it would be a nervous breakdown. It wasn't mental, though. It was completely physical. It was literally my nervous system freaking out. I still can't believe it happened. It's only because I experienced it that I believe it. Excruciating nerve pain, anxiety through the roof, 10 straight days of insomnia, rapid weight loss and other things.

An online friend of mine with the same medical condition, just a couple weeks earlier, decided he couldn't continue. I would often wonder why I was continuing given the pain. I didn't see a future. I just kept swimming because what else was I going to do.

So a final update, I guess. At least in this thread. After working through getting my dad settled in Portland and seeing to my mom's affairs, I started looking for a job. I found a good job and I've been there since March. I'm on contract, but there's a good chance they make me permanent soon.

We didn't know whether I'd even be able to work. So this was a blessing, but not one we could count on. So we setup a savings account and all my checks were deposited there. After a couple of months I still felt fine and we realized it might be possible to buy a home. That wasn't the plan. The plan was just to survive. But hey, why not. So we kept saving and eventually we had a down payment.

Because my nervous system was shot, our main requirements were literally finding a house that was quiet and peaceful. We just wanted to put ourselves in a position to bolster my nervous system and hopefully avoid any future breakdowns.

We found a beautiful split level house in June. Quiet, barely any through traffic, surrounded by trees. It has a great kitchen, more than enough space for us and separate living and entertainment rooms. If we want to watch TV we nestle down in our cave. The rest of the time we exist upstairs and enjoy the quiet. I love our house and I'm starting to feel at home now.

IMAGE(https://ssl.cdn-redfin.com/photo/84/mbpaddedwide/388/genMid.17123388_0.jpg)

During all this our last 3 cats passed. We lost my mom and the rest of our cats (which we'd left behind in the US as they were too old to travel) in the span of 6 months. We'll always miss Opus, Sonnet and Katie, but the house started to feel a bit empty. So we went to a shelter last week and found this little one. We named her Sydney.

IMAGE(https://u11236522.dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/11236522/Photo%20Aug%2027%2C%2010%2010%2052%20PM.jpg?raw=1)

IMAGE(https://u11236522.dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/11236522/Photo%20Aug%2029%2C%2010%2016%2051%20PM.jpg?raw=1)

So that's where I am now. I go to a good job every day. We have a beautiful home that's starting to feel a little more like home and we have some companionship. A year ago this life would have seemed completely impossible.

Thanks to everyone who rooted for me to keep moving forward and to figure it out. It really helped to have some hope that life could get better. You were right.

Glad you're back on track! It's a long, rough ride back, but it's possible! Changed, but possible!

f*ckin ay