Anxiety -- How do you deal?

If you want to work in public schools and education and some other types of state jobs, they require criminal background checks, questionnaires about health and if you've committed any felonies, etc. and also health forms signed by a doctor to confirm that you have no physical or mental issues that could interfere with job requirements, or any communicable diseases such as tuberculosis, and may require you to submit the test results.

bekkilyn wrote:

It's just so frustrating ALL the time. Even on days I feel completely fine, it's an illusion because the very next day could wake up in a complete panic even though absolutely nothing about my life situation between the two days has changed.

I understand this, yeah. You ever get the feeling when everything is great and you should be enjoying something and then it just pops into your head "hey this moment is fleeting and pretty soon you'll lose all of this and be sad and lonely again"? And then you cant enjoy whatever you were trying to enjoy?

Re: getting a diagnosis: I thought this would make me feel better. It didn't, mostly because I felt like an imposter like some other people in this thread have mentioned. Not sure how to get past that.

Oh man, I'd forgotten about this thread. So, updates:

About five months ago, I'd managed to convince myself that I was on the ASD spectrum, mainly due to challenges I had with social interaction. I went to a psychiatrist who specialized in it for a diagnosis, pretty sure that he'd confirm my self-assessment. Instead, he gave me an official diagnosis of social anxiety disorder, co-morbid with my already diagnosed ADHD, and recommended a different set of medicines for me (at the time I was on Adderall for the ADHD, which was helping it, but exacerbating the anxiety). I weaned off of the Adderall and started on Strattera, which had many, many, positive side effects - I was suddenly not suffering from severe gouts of intestinal acid, and could drink coffee again without heart palpitations and chest pain. The Strattera had the added side bonus of tamping down the worst of the anxiety symptoms.

I'm now several months into therapy with the same psychiatrist, doing primarily CBT, with a bit of DBT. I'd say that my life has improved immensely, both from the medicine, and the perspectives that CBT has given me on my symptoms and their causes.

bekkilyn wrote:

If you want to work in public schools and education and some other types of state jobs, they require criminal background checks, questionnaires about health and if you've committed any felonies, etc. and also health forms signed by a doctor to confirm that you have no physical or mental issues that could interfere with job requirements, or any communicable diseases such as tuberculosis, and may require you to submit the test results.

Ah. Got it. Still it seems like they would accommodate you as opposed to outright denying you the job if the diagnosis was only anxiety. Strange.

A lot of the job applications I was seeing had a voluntary self-identification section that said it was only used to assist the employer with demographics. It generally listed everything from autism to high blood pressure to diabetes to depression and all the things in between. To me it read like a list of conditions they didn't want to have to pay extra insurance on it, so I wasn't touching it.

So I'd like to post an update since other people are doing updates. I'll spoiler it for length and for dark, possibly triggery stuff in there about self-harm and the possible risks of a specific medication . If someone does read it and thinks this isn't the thread for this please let me know. I've been reluctant to talk about it anywhere for fear of making someone afraid of getting help. But my journey has been difficult and mostly something I've felt like I couldn't talk about very specifically. I hope I can here, but I would understand if it's better kept to myself.

Here goes.

Spoiler:

As Garion said on page one, Klonopin takes years to get off of. I'm on year 3 of the process.

In late 2014 I was completely off of it and thought I was home free and then 2 weeks later I had searing pain across my entire body (amongst other symptoms) and I was suicidal really quick. I lost 25 pounds in 6 days and I thought I was dying. I didn't know what was happening. I'm lucky I survived. My wife worked from home for 2 weeks and stayed with me while I talked to doctors and tried to figure out what was happening to me. I've since learned that the side effects from discontinuing benzodiazepines can be really extreme, mostly physical side effects for some people. It's all individual. I went back on a small dose (5mg) of Valium and stabilized and moved on with my life.

After that I discovered BenzoBuddies and some Facebook forums. I found whole communities of people trying to safely discontinue this type of medication or trying to use other treatments that seemed safer for them. Feeling stable and fairly empowered we moved to Australia last year and I continued to taper off that Valium dose very gradually while there.

In August of this year it happened again. Extreme pain everywhere and I was suicidal again. I didn't sleep for 10 days. I lost almost 30 pounds in the first 6 days. Once again my dutiful wife stayed home with me and I documented everything I ate, every medicine or herb I took, etc. as I tried to stabilize. Eventually I stabilized.

This is why I left Australia and returned to the US. I didn't think it was safe for me to be in Australia where I had to pay cash for all medical treatments as opposed to being on standard insurance in the US. I was really worried about getting into that state again in Australia and being stuck. So I got stable and flew home in early October.

I've been here for a couple of weeks now staying with family while my wife finishes her posting. I mostly feel okay. A little pain in my left foot (in my 3 years of discontinuing benzodiazepines I've learned it's the pain that comes first and goes first for whatever reason) and sometimes my muscles ache or twitches. But otherwise I feel okay. I sleep okay. I'm managing.

In a week I fly back to Portland to setup our apartment and hopefully start work. I've been applying / interviewing since I returned. I've somehow learned to live in this state over the course of the past 3 years. This state where at any moment my body could go haywire. It's just how things are. I work with therapists when I can. Australia was a bit difficult in that regard because of cultural differences and cost, so I'm excited to be back in the US and I feel like I've found an excellent therapist in Portland. I'm curious about the promise of medical marijuana and in Oregon under the guidance of my doctor I may try it to see if it helps.

In the meantime I'm still holding at 2mg of valium. I'm feeling pretty good, but I've obviously been chastened by everything that's happened in the last 2 years. I'm taking this super seriously and trying to do everything possible (exercise, diet, etc.) to both manage my anxiety and manage it without this medication.

I feel like a combination of diet, exercise, therapy, coping skills and an adjunct medication (Propranolol) have put me in a place where I can discontinue the valium. It's just really really difficult. The anxiety is general something I feel I can manage or work around. I still have anxiety, but I know how to handle it these days, which is part of where my perspective comes from. I've wrestled with it for most of my life and I know what to do when I have a break through panic attack or a low level of anxiety. And, more importantly, I manage the stimulus in my life day to day so I avoid getting too amped up.

My video game life is fairly sedate. I play stuff on handhelds and I don't play many action games. I don't watch movies that are intense right now. I just keep it all low key and it's going okay right now. It's not the life I would have chosen, but I still have a good life. Just punctuated by these extremes where I need my wife to save me.

I first realized what I had over a decade ago (I was in my *40s*). I had a procedure that put a camera down into my throat and stomach to see what was causing pain. (Don't drink soda or anything acid after two hours before sleeping, and elevate the head. Easy to fix.) They gave me a benzodiazepine to keep me calm. It calmed me down shockingly, like the immediate aftermath of an orgasm, but that feeling went on for ten days. Not bliss, mind you, just... calm. Relaxed. Mellow. Tolerant. Easy-going.

This was unique in my life.

Long story short, after convincing my doctor I was not drug-seeking, I saw a psychiatrist. One appointment full of questions, and two weeks later I started Lexapro. Didn't work for me, so we tried Prozac. That worked *really* well, I use below minimal dose, which lessens the side effects.

I was in talk therapy for a few months, then just regular follow-ups. Now I don't even need those.

Here's the point. If you've never had a diagnosis, you don't really understand how bad your situation is, and you're putting yourself through unnecessary pain. If it is anxiety, it can be easy to fix, to get it to where it's a tolerable part of your life that doesn't come out unless you're already under extreme stress, and even then it's mild.

If you think you have anxiety, talk to a psychiatrist. You don't have to take a next step. You can do all sorts of therapies, drug and non-drug, but you don't have to. You don't have to tell him your darkest secrets or listen to theories about your mother, it's no longer 1955. Just... figure out what is going on with your brain and learn your options. I had fantastic results with one of the oldest SSRIs whose side effects are well-known and mild. Maybe for you it's CBT or exercise or whatever.

But I guarantee that if you have debilitating anxiety like I did, you literally will have no idea how much worse it's made your life until the treatment takes hold. And you'll be kicking yourself for not figuring it out sooner. Anxiety stresses your body even more than your mind. It accelerates heart issues, it can put your body on a permanent adrenaline rush which in turn damages all sorts of things. It's physically unhealthy.

And you don't have to suffer with it. It's *easy* to talk to a psychiatrist. Get a reference from a good GP, they will know someone they like and trust - doctors socialize together. Make an appointment, keep it, and then see where you want to go. But don't just suffer through it.

Thanks for the responses. Now that I've finally made myself get some mental health help, it's a bit of a bummer that I have to wait another month. But I've had this EFAP program at work for 8 years and never taken advantage of it, so what's a little bit longer. I suppose I could talk to my GP about options but he's new-to-me, and usually on vacation when I try to make an appointment, so I'll try the counselor first and see where I land.

Glad to hear some of you are doing really well!

IMAGE(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/ca/78/d7/ca78d77f85e67fa8709f038bdd1e51e7.jpg)

Gravey wrote:

EFAP program

(commencing immature giggling)

Tanglebones wrote:
Gravey wrote:

EFAP program

(commencing immature giggling)

I asked if it could not be extended to my immediate family so I could use a better acronym, but they refused.

Maybe ifap instead? No? Uh... ufap? wiifap?

...I got nothing...

I giggle everytime I see CBT.

Leaving my in-laws and off to my brother and sister in law's place for a week. Get to see my nephews and niece then back to Portland. I'll be there for 2 weeks on my own which scares me a little. Hopefully I have a job by then to keep me busy until my wife arrives.

On the upside I get to start seeing my therapist and I get to try CBD to see if it helps with the nerve pain and anxiety.

Good luck DSGamer!

Robear wrote:

Good luck DSGamer!

Thanks. I think this was a triggering event for me because yesterday was hard. Today is hard. Being an expat on the kind of visa we were on meant no access to healthcare without paying cash. So I think in the net coming home was the right choice. But the thought of being on my own again (not with family or my wife) has finally sunk in completely. And for all the things I missed about America I really loved the feeling (false or not) that Aussies look after each other and someone would at least get me help ify health turned.

Feeling vulnerable right now just thinking about it.

Maybe get in touch with the local GWJers as a safety net? We are a community, after all.

Yes, follow Robear's advice and also keep talking to us here (I don't mean this thread specifically, but any and all of the threads you normally participate in) so we don't have to worry, or we can reach out long distance and get help if anything goes wrong. I know if I was local to you I would want to be there for you!

Robear wrote:

Maybe get in touch with the local GWJers as a safety net? We are a community, after all.

I don't even know how to reach out and ask that. Or what I'd even be asking. Part of having anxiety, I suppose.

SillyRabbit wrote:

Yes, follow Robear's advice and also keep talking to us here (I don't mean this thread specifically, but any and all of the threads you normally participate in) so we don't have to worry, or we can reach out long distance and get help if anything goes wrong. I know if I was local to you I would want to be there for you!

I will keep talking here. I leave for Oregon tomorrow. I have family there, so there's that. And I promised my wife and my family here in Texas that if I wasn't feeling okay I'd come back to Texas with them at the very least.

I'm glad that useless, trolling advice was deleted. *sigh*

The next couple of days definitely have a "pray for me" or "send good vibes" kind of a feel to me. I got heaps of calls for job interviews and now my next 3 days are stacked. 3 job interviews, grabbing the keys to the flat and settling in there. All with my wife on holiday in Thailand (she's still in AUS).

I think I'll be fine, but this is the first time on my own since all of this started.

If it gets hairy anxiety-wise I'll definitely post here. I won't turn this thread into a personal thread, though.
I already have one of those
I should use until I'm settled.

I know that listicles aren't popular on GWJ, but here's one that actually has a lot of good advice:

https://themighty.com/2016/10/tips-f...

First three tips:

1. You do not have to be at rock bottom or have something horrible happen to you to receive help.

Mental illness affects many people for different reasons and how you feel doesn’t always have to have an accompanied explanation. In fact, you don’t even need to have a diagnosed mental illness to justify wanting to talk to someone or needing help. Remaining silent is how mental illnesses fester and turn into something unmanageable. Life is hard. Everyone needs help. Heck, even therapists have therapists.

2. Do not procrastinate getting help.

Yes, it is possible to recover from a mental illness on your own, but it is extremely unlikely. It usually doesn’t get better without help. Please reach out before things continue to get worse.

3. If the first person you reach out to doesn’t give you the response you want or need, don’t give up.

Friends and family can be a great support system, but you have to remember they are not professionally trained. I would encourage you to speak with a professional as they will be able to provide you with the tools and resources needed to begin your recovery.

I've been managing my anxiety better lately, a result of my meditation habit as well as increased exercise, more what I was used to before children. I remember mentioning to my therapist a couple of years ago how I felt after increasing my dosage of citalopram, "it feels like my brain is working so slowly" She responded, "That's how fast your mind should be working, actually."

Good luck, DSGamer. You're a stalwart on this and the depression threads, and so many of us are thrilled to be here to support you.

DS, if it were me, I'd post in Everything Else that I was going to spend time in an area and looking to get in touch with local GWJers who would be willing to help with adjusting to the area. That would give you both a bit of a local support group for things like apartment hunting or service providers for stuff like plumbing and food, but it would also give you an idea of who you are comfortable with getting into closer contact with, people you might have already spoken with here.

Anyway, good luck and stay in touch. You'll get through this.

Robear wrote:

DS, if it were me, I'd post in Everything Else that I was going to spend time in an area and looking to get in touch with local GWJers who would be willing to help with adjusting to the area. That would give you both a bit of a local support group for things like apartment hunting or service providers for stuff like plumbing and food, but it would also give you an idea of who you are comfortable with getting into closer contact with, people you might have already spoken with here.

Anyway, good luck and stay in touch. You'll get through this.

Thanks. I posted more on this in my Australia thread, which I'm using as my holding place for thoughts on the process of moving (and then moving back). I would love your thoughts.

This all became really overwhelming for me this week, culminating in the realization that moving like this is so stressful and I'm not dealing with it well. I'm a couple bad days away from ending up checking myself in somewhere. I basically cried most of yesterday. I feel so broken on a fundamental level. As an organism, not just emotionally. I think I need to go back and stay with my family until my wife is home.

concentric wrote:

2. Do not procrastinate getting help.

Yes, it is possible to recover from a mental illness on your own, but it is extremely unlikely. It usually doesn’t get better without help. Please reach out before things continue to get worse.

This is my biggest takeaway right now. I was alone and isolated the last year. Seeing a therapist cost at least $300 per session, no insurance. I'm trying to take this good advice right now and talk to people.

concentric wrote:

I remember mentioning to my therapist a couple of years ago how I felt after increasing my dosage of citalopram, "it feels like my brain is working so slowly" She responded, "That's how fast your mind should be working, actually."

I believe this to be true. I've experienced the same thing before.

concentric wrote:

Good luck, DSGamer. You're a stalwart on this and the depression threads, and so many of us are thrilled to be here to support you.

Thanks. I really appreciate this more than you can imagine.

Anxiety? How do I deal? Why, eating everything, of course! Just hoovering up as much as I can.

Right there with you Amoebic. I've been doing great on my diet until Tuesday when I began eating everything in sight. I just decided this morning that I need to call my doc to see about her calling in a script for Xanax. I felt like I was spiralling out of control all day yesterday while having to keep a calm professional demeanor at work. I can't keep doing that while this week's events are still so raw.

I've been eating everything too and woke up this morning very near to a panic attack. I feel like nearly all the slow gains I've made this year are gone and I'm right back at the beginning again.

Yeah, me too. But we've been through this before, and things will change, and we'll get by somehow. Try not to let stuff that's completely out of your control dictate your feelings, that's a real crusher.

Yeah, I've tried the logical approach but that's not helping at the moment. Really hoping my doc calls that rx in today because I think I need that chemical reaction to break the feedback loop in my head.

I think I'm going to try CBD when I'm back in Oregon. I've been in a terrible loop the past 2 days. Profoundly depressed and also anxious of the future. I already had a high baseline level of anxiety, so this isn't good.