NFL 2016: Week 8

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* This thread’s header image is the Blake Bortles POP figurine sent to me by Grumpicus. Thanks, Grump! You’re so much cooler than the rest of these assholes.

* NOTICE: Starting tomorrow, I’ll be out of town for a week and a half, the first business trip of the new football season. That means next week’s thread is someone else’s responsibility. Whomever that is, PM me your game pick choices ahead of time, and I’ll respond with the Week 8 results to paste into the new thread.

* The NFL has finally figured out what fantasy football has been missing: microtransactions.

* To understand why we’ve reached peak No Fun League, we turn to Roger Goodell’s former childhood babysitter, Janet Derby: "When I was in high school I frequently babysat for the U.S. Congressman next door who had five little boys. The toddler of particular interest to New England Patriots fans was Roger Goodell. Yes, that Roger Goodell. He was a sour child, rarely laughing or running around like his brothers. If I had only been prescient I would have taught him that it is a sign of weakness to be overly concerned with personal power."

* I trust I can count on all of you to help me make "sour child" a thing.

Pick ‘Ems

Washington “at” Cincinnati (at Twickenham): More London football that will no doubt be the kind of football that will win the hearts and minds of the British. Washington has climbed to 4-3 after an 0-2 start, and are actually owners of the 3rd ranked passing offense. Not that fantasy football players would notice, as the receiving yardage is split between 3 WRs in a way that brings to mind the old Gary Clark / Art Monk / Ricky Sanders trio. Cincinnati is right behind them with the 4th ranked passing offense, and the fact that Kirk Cousins and Andy Dalton are the architects of two of the league’s top passing attacks pretty much says what you need to know about how 2016 has been going. Dalton has of course basically thrown every pass possible to AJ Green, though Tyler Eifert is finally back in the action. I guess I’ll take Washington.

Detroit at Houston: Speaking of passing attacks, Jim Bob Cooter’s aerial assault heads to Houston, riding a 3 game win streak. Matt Stafford is playing some of his best football ever under Jim Bob Cooter’s guiding hand, with his pass attempts down but his efficiency way up. Houston, of course, has not had such luck, with Brock Osweiler leading the 30th ranked pass attack, starving DeAndre Hopkins to the point that fantasy owners wonder if Ryan Mallett could come back. Bill O’Brien and George Godsey are no Jim Bob Cooter. Cooter.

Arizona at Carolina: Carolina has been terrible, but the offensive ineptitude elite defensive struggle of the Arizona and Seattle game has inspired Vegas to favor Carolina in this game. Carolina has been able to move the ball despite their overall struggles, ranking in the top 10 in both passing and rushing, and 4th overall. But their turnovers - at least 2 per game since week 2 - have been brutal, as has their nonexistent secondary. Their run defense has been solid, 7th overall, which plays well into this matchup, as Arizona’s offense has largely run on the back of David Johnson. As bad as Arizona looked, I’m going with Fresno-born Carson Palmer and the Cardinals in what will probably be a less than aesthetically pleasing contest.

Philadelphia at Dallas: After a solid start, Philly’s passing offense has been on the wane, producing less than 150 net yards in each of the last two games, helping drop the group to 29th rank, and the entire offense to 28th overall. The defense, however, remains a destructive unit, ranked top 10 pretty much across the board, including takeaways (3rd) and time of possession (7th). Dallas, meanwhile, has the 3rd ranked offense, in large part due to their strangehold on 1st in rushing offense, which drives their #1 rank on time of possession. So it will be an interesting battle between Dallas’s ability to hold onto the ball and put together long drives, and Philly’s ability to prevent opposing offenses from doing exactly that. A couple of big names could potentially return to each offense this week: Dez Bryant for the Cowboys, and Jason Peters for Philly, both of whom their respective offenses need back in a big way. I’ll take Dallas at home.

Minnesota at Chicago: Minnesota is licking their wounds after the pummeling the Philly defense put on them last week, and now they get a tune-up game against their division’s basement dweller. But wait! This is the week Jay Cutler returns to action. That has to get Chicago excited, right? Maybe not: Bears coach John Fox has reportedly told friends that he's “done” with Cutler after this season. They plan to trade or release Cutler in the offseason apparently. Although looking at their cap situation, they don’t necessarily have to wait until next season to do it. Unfortunately, with Hoyer now down for the count, moving Cutler and having only Matt Barkley on the QB depth chart seems unlikely. Which is a problem I can solve, because San Francisco could easily give them a 4th round pick plus a recently refurbished Christian Ponder for Cutler. How badly do you want him gone, Fox? Call Baalke, let’s make something happen. Cutler may suck but he’s at least a full can of Spam.

Make your Week 8 picks now!

Week 7 Results
EvilDead: 5-0
Infyrnos: 4-1
UpToIsomorphism: 4-1
tboon: 4-1
oldmanscene24: 4-1
karmajay: 4-1
MoonDragon: 4-1
iaintgotnopants: 4-1
Running Man: 4-1
MilkmanDanimal: 4-1
Abu5217: 4-1
Certis: 4-1
*Legion*: 3-2
Torq: 3-2
cube: 3-2
Vector: 3-2
ballnchained: 3-2
onewild: 3-2
Zaque: 3-2
Kush15: 3-2
garion333: 3-2
jonfentyler: 3-2
Bighoppa: 3-2
TheGameGuru: 3-2
Rat Boy: 3-2
PorkSmoothie89: 3-2
Oddsmakers: 3-2
Minase: 2-3
Jayhawker: 2-3
Top_Shelf: 2-3
Bubs14: 2-3
LeapingGnome: 1-4

Season to Date
Certis: 24-11
IMAGE(https://media.giphy.com/media/f7xLumT0adtaE/giphy.gif)
ballnchained: 24-11
Abu5217: 24-11
Torq: 23-12
onewild: 23-12
Bubs14: 23-12
Bighoppa: 23-12
MoonDragon: 22-13
Jayhawker: 22-13
iaintgotnopants: 21-14
TheGameGuru: 21-14
jonfentyler: 21-14
*Legion*: 21-14
MilkmanDanimal: 21-14 <== oh sh*t now I'm tied with HIM?
UpToIsomorphism: 21-14
tboon: 20-15
PorkSmoothie89: 20-15
EvilDead: 20-15
garion333: 20-15
Oddsmakers: 20-15
Zaque: 19-16
Infyrnos: 19-16
Rat Boy: 19-16
oldmanscene24: 18-17
Kush15: 18-17
karmajay: 17-18
cube: 16-19
LeapingGnome: 15-20
Paleocon: 15-10
Top_Shelf: 14-16
Vector: 14-21
Minase: 13-17
Running Man: 11-4
Stele: 10-15
Jowner: 4-1
Gumbie: 3-2
Nomad: 2-3
Docjoe: 2-3

Bad Hombres, Sour Children, and Nasty Women - The Year 2016 in Review, by Rat Boy.

IMAGE(http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s149/MilkmanDanimal/Screenshot_20161027-124754.png)

It's the Archie Manning career arc.

Looking forward to the Brown's last reasonable chance to win a game this year!

*Legion* wrote:

Arizona at Carolina: Carolina has been terrible, but the offensive ineptitude elite defensive struggle of the Arizona and Seattle game has inspired Vegas to favor Carolina in this game. Carolina has been able to move the ball despite their overall struggles, ranking in the top 10 in both passing and rushing, and 4th overall. But their turnovers - at least 2 per game since week 2 - have been brutal, as has their nonexistent secondary. Their run defense has been solid, 7th overall, which plays well into this matchup, as Arizona’s offense has largely run on the back of David Johnson. As bad as Arizona looked, I’m going with Fresno-born Carson Palmer and the Cardinals in what will probably be a less than aesthetically pleasing contest.

Two ways this game is going to go:

Carolina wins by 50. Ever since the Jake Delhomme game, the Panthers have Arizona's

-or-

We put on our rose-colored Eric Dickerson goggles and look back at last week's 6-6 Hawks-Cards game with fondness at its brutal beauty and artistic mastery.

Also, I wouldn't watch this game unless you're a fan. Even then, I've got to paint the porch Sunday, so I'll drag the radio outside. The Panthers radio crew is the best when they're losing.

Man, stop having Texans games in the picks! I would be top now if I hadn't kept picking them everytime they come up (can't bet against your own team even if I did pick them at random out of a hat)

Damn, I had my worst week of the season and only fell back into tied for second? Hooray for "guessing", although many of last week's games were decided by comfortable margins, which didn't do me any favors with those tight point spreads (grumblegrumbleOaklandgrumblegrumble).

P.S. - Is that a young David Cross in that WTF gif? I swear, looks a hell of a lot like him.

It is indeed David Cross from a Mr Show episode. Must watch TV.

This picking American football games is easy. Question, Why is the field so small?

To better smash people together.

And I still haven't had time to watch a single game this year, but I read those nfl.com analyses like a champ. I'm the Cleveland Browns moneyball of GWJ NFL Pick'Em*.

*I'll eventually crater like usual.

This has to be the game that stops the Gus Bus. The coaching and discipline of this team is terrible. Young talent being wasted.

Looks like the Gus Bus is having about as much traction as Mike Pence's plane.

That was the single worst play I've ever just seen... Jacksonville should cut half the defense on the spot.

So, in an effort to sell American Football to the Brits we send the team with the racist nickname.

That's... smart.

Good news, Jacksonville is down 24 so Bortles is all set to really turn it on.

MilkmanDanimal wrote:

Good news, Jacksonville is down 24 so Bortles is all set to really turn it on.

It still won't happen until the 4th quarter, that's the problem.

Also, why are any of you watching this? Besides Gumbie and me, nobody should be.

*Legion* wrote:
MilkmanDanimal wrote:

Good news, Jacksonville is down 24 so Bortles is all set to really turn it on.

It still won't happen until the 4th quarter, that's the problem.

Also, why are any of you watching this? Besides Gumbie and me, nobody should be.

Cuz I prefer to clear out my DVR after dinner.

Also, if no one will volunteer to help out next week, I'll do it.

*Legion* wrote:
MilkmanDanimal wrote:

Good news, Jacksonville is down 24 so Bortles is all set to really turn it on.

It still won't happen until the 4th quarter, that's the problem.

"The" problem? There's only one?

MilkmanDanimal wrote:
*Legion* wrote:
MilkmanDanimal wrote:

Good news, Jacksonville is down 24 so Bortles is all set to really turn it on.

It still won't happen until the 4th quarter, that's the problem.

"The" problem? There's only one?

Not being able to football is a single problem.

Formerly popular band Smash Mouth rushes to the defense of Trent Baalke. Still waiting to hear from Linkin Park and Staind.

The NFL is withholding judgment til Fred Durst weighs in.

I'm sure the Canadian NFL fanbase eagerly awaits the opinions of Nickelback and Sum41.

So the Titans may have smashed the Jaguars, but the Kings beat the Predators tonight. So it's even, right Gumbie?

.... Gumbie?

Where the f*ck is Gumbie?

IMAGE(http://i.imgur.com/NTcCoEw.jpg)

Abu5217 wrote:

So, in an effort to sell American Football to the Brits we send the team with the racist nickname.

That's... smart.

Brexit Britain, we're all about the racism these days

Man, to pour salt in the wounds of everyone who watched last night's game, well, even before kickoff it was slated to be one of the worst Primetime games of all time:

IMAGE(http://i0.wp.com/espnfivethirtyeight.files.wordpress.com/2016/10/paine-bad-nfl-primetime.png?quality=90&strip=all&w=575&ssl=1)

You might be surprised to learn that not only is tonight’s game not the worst prime-time game ever, it’s not even the second-worst Titans-Jaguars game to ever grace prime-time television. (Nos. 1 and 2 in the all-time dumpster dive were the 2014 and 2015 versions of Tennessee-Jacksonville, respectively.) Why does this horrible matchup keep coming up every year? Every team has to play at least one Thursday Night game, and these teams have consistently been each other’s designated partner in awful primetime football (presumably to keep them from individually polluting other matchups).

Ouch. The Gus Bradley/Blake Bortles Jags are the reason ratings are down. None of the other things matter, it's all this.

Hey, here's a thought; maybe fewer Jacksonville-Tennessee games in primetime?

I actually found that game vaguely entertaining, just because it's always kinds of fun to watch one team destroy another. It's when both teams are sucking that it's really hard to watch.

Next Thursday is Bucs-Falcons, a game that's actually for the division lead.

MilkmanDanimal wrote:

Next Thursday is Bucs-Falcons, a game that's actually for the division lead.

Meanwhile, at the other end of the NFC South, remember how the Panthers cut Bene Benwikere, one of their starting corners, two days before a game?

Rather than using Benwikere's old locker for, oh, I don't know, another cornerback, one of the Panthers players used it to set up an art gallery.

Enix wrote:
MilkmanDanimal wrote:

Next Thursday is Bucs-Falcons, a game that's actually for the division lead.

Meanwhile, at the other end of the NFC South, remember how the Panthers cut Bene Benwikere, one of their starting corners, two days before a game?

Rather than using Benwikere's old locker for, oh, I don't know, another cornerback, one of the Panthers players used it to set up an art gallery.

To be fair, that painting would probably do a better job covering Julio Jones than Benwikere did.

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