Tell us your best dad jokes!

I told my wife about the WiiU that was sold out, but she didn't get it.

I used to have a friend to go camping with, but we were two in tents.

I try to buy all my food from places within ten miles of my house, because it's low-cal.

Why do melons have to wait so long to get married?

Because they cantaloupe. (Can't elope)

I have been using said jokes in this thread and texting my girls once a week with a few. Mind you, my girls are 20 and 23 years old.

Miner: Sir! We're mining too many useless orbs!

[Hitler strokes mustache.]

Hitler: So mine less.

[Grammar Nazi bursts through the door.]

Grammar Nazi: Mine FEWER!

Hitler: Yes?

Thirteenth wrote:

Miner: Sir! We're mining too many useless orbs!

[Hitler strokes mustache.]

Hitler: So mine less.

[Grammar Nazi bursts through the door.]

Grammar Nazi: Mine FEWER!

Hitler: Yes?

So many levels. I love it.

I remember being about 10 listening to some music with my dad and I asked, "Dad, what would you do if I was on the radio?"

His reply, "I'd tell you to get off, you're gonna break it."

-.-

Mowens1984 wrote:

I remember being about 10 listening to some music with my dad and I asked, "Dad, what would you do if I was on the radio?"

His reply, "I'd tell you to get off, you're gonna break it."

-.-

In a similar vein... my dad used to tell me when I sang as a child that he wished he could record me. "So you could listen to me later?" I would ask, and inevitably the answer was always "No, so we could turn you off!"

Why did the singing farmer give ipecac to his cow?

To make moo-sick

The gander really wanted goslings, but wasn't motivated.

He just needed a goose.

Why is leather armor best for sneaking?

It's made of hide.

Katy wrote:

Why is leather armor best for sneaking?

It's made of hide.

HA! Well done!

What kind of metal is armor that deliberately hurts you made of?

Irony.

What do you call it when Batman leaves church early?

Christian Bail!

... oh and I just thought of a variation:

What do you call it when Batman pays to be let out of jail?

same answer

My 5 year old was sitting on her foot for too long the other day, and it went numb...

"Daddy, I can't feel my foot"

"Why, did somebody steal your hands?"

Funny, to me, but then she woke us up several times in the night, having nightmares about people stealing different parts of her body.

Spoiler:

it was still totally worth it

doubtingthomas396 wrote:
Katy wrote:

Why is leather armor best for sneaking?

It's made of hide.

HA! Well done!

My son (14) found that one somewhere. I think we're starting to convince him that we're actually humorous.

m0nk3yboy wrote:

My 5 year old was sitting on her foot for too long the other day, and it went numb...

"Daddy, I can't feel my foot"

"Why, did somebody steal your hands?"

Funny, to me, but then she woke us up several times in the night, having nightmares about people stealing different parts of her body.

Spoiler:

it was still totally worth it

Just wait until she gets to the teeth-falling-out nightmares...

Robear wrote:

Just wait until she gets to the teeth-falling-out nightmares...

I used to have those, but as years went by I realized they lacked bite.

Shamelessly stolen from the picture thread, since they really belong here...

farley3k wrote:

IMAGE(http://i.imgur.com/xHt9Uya.jpg)

Here's a real life one:

My son complained that he was too tired.

I replied: "You're a motorcycle?"

My wife's groan of appreciation could be heard from across the house.

doubtingthomas396 wrote:

Here's a real life one:

My son complained that he was too tired.

I replied: "You're a motorcycle?"

My wife's groan of appreciation could be heard from across the house.

Do you guys want to tell him or should I?

Yonder wrote:
doubtingthomas396 wrote:

Here's a real life one:

My son complained that he was too tired.

I replied: "You're a motorcycle?"

My wife's groan of appreciation could be heard from across the house.

Do you guys want to tell him or should I?

Shhhh... Let him dream a while longer.

Archie Campbell on HeeHaw

Once apon a time, in a coreign fountry, there lived a geautiful birl and her name was Rindercella. Now, Rindercella lived with her mugly other and two sad bisters. Also in this same coreign fountry, there was a very prandsome hince.

Now this prandsome hince was going to have a bancy fall. And he invited the people from riles amound, especially the pich reople.
Now Rindercella's mugly other and her two sad blisters, they went out to buy some drancy fesses to wear to this bancy fall. But Rindercella couldn't go because all she had to wear were some old rirty dags.
So, finally the night of the bancy fall arrived and Rindercella couldn't go, so she just cat down and shried. And she was kitten there shrien, when all at once there appeared before her, her gairy mudfather. And he touched her with his wagic mand ... and there appeared before her, a cig boach and hix white sorses to take her to the bancy fall. But he said, "Now, Rindercella, you be sure and be home before nidmight, or I'll purn you into a tumpkin!"

When Rindercella arrived at the bancy fall, this prandsome hince met her at the door because he had been watchin' all this time behind a wooden hindow. And Rindercella and the prandsome hince nanced all dight. And they lell in fove. And all at once, the mid clock struck night. And Rindercella staced down the rairs, and just as she beached the rottom, she slopped her dripper!

So, the next day this prandsome hince went all over this coreign fountry looking for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper. Finally he came to Rindercella's house. Well, he tried it on her mugly other and it fidn't dit. Then he tried it on her two sigly usters and it fidn't dit. Then he tried it on Rindercella and it fid dit. It was exactly the sight rize!

So they got married and lived heverly after hapwards. Now, the storal of the mory is this: If you go to a bancy fall and you want to have a pransome hince loll in fove with you, don't forget to slop your dripper!

What kind of party do you throw for a horse that just got engaged?

A bridle shower.

Hah!

That reminds me if the story of a little boy that I read on a site for the parents of 2E kids. The teacher asked him to pass a cup, so he placed in on the floor and walked past it before sitting back down on the floor with the other kids.

She was not amused. If that were my child, I'd have taken him out for ice cream.

I would have gone with "Matt, Bill, Martin, Sue" etc...

As seen on Twitter:

Q: What is a Police Horse's favourite breakfast cereal?
A: Po-Po Clops