Autism thread

doubtingthomas396 wrote:

People who criticize "helicopter parents" have no freaking clue what it's like to parent a bolter.

True words, DoubtingT. I'm a helicopter parent, no doubt about it. And I have to be.

Eleima wrote:
doubtingthomas396 wrote:

People who criticize "helicopter parents" have no freaking clue what it's like to parent a bolter.

True words, DoubtingT. I'm a helicopter parent, no doubt about it. And I have to be.

There's a difference between helicoptering an autistic toddler and helicoptering a NT teen.

Forget teenagers, that term is very often employed when referring to parents on a playground, parents that will hover close to their toddler or young child, as if they don't trust them not to trip and fall every five seconds. And surprise, surprise, it's derogatory! Because people just love being judgmental, most typically regarding situations they barely understand.

[derail] I always understood helicopter parenting to be more than just about hovering over bolters or webble wobbles at the playground. It implied a deeper 'hovering' over the child's every activity, not just out doors, but everything including academics and any and all freetime. A constant presence overhead.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helicop...

It gained wide currency when American college administrators began using it in the early 2000s as the Millennial Generation began reaching college age. Their baby-boomer[2] and Generation X parents in turn earned notoriety for practices such as calling their children each morning to wake them up for class and complaining to their professors about grades the children had received. Summer camp officials have also reported similar behavior from parents.[3]

[/derail]

Wow, I did not know that, Eleima. IMO, it's impossible to "helicopter parent" a child until she's old enough for school. When I think of the term, I think of the exact phenomenon that nel e nel quoted. That, and parents who try to negotiate salaries for their adult (NT) children.

NPR wrote:

Michigan State University surveyed more than 700 employers seeking to hire recent college graduates. Nearly one-third said parents had submitted resumes on their child's behalf, some without even informing the child. One-quarter reported hearing from parents urging the employer to hire their son or daughter for a position. Four percent of respondents reported that a parent actually showed up for the candidate's job interview.

Perhaps there's a cultural difference in play here? What the French consider "helicopter parenting" may be a lot broader than in the US.

TIL I have to stop considering myself a helicopter parent. Bruises, scrapes, boo-boos, and general failure are ahead for my kids. When Sabastian falls and hurts himself (in some very minor way), he starts crying and I typically tell him to suck it up because the pain's not going to last forever. But I'm typically right there in case they decide to bolt in front of a car or something. Guess I need to just consider myself normal.

I couldn't even imagine calling a teacher out unless they were being unfair about something. And going to a job interview? If I have to do that, they don't deserve the job.

I mentioned this last topic on here to my wife, and her response was, "Oh, Tristan tries to run all the time when you're not home. The dog goes nuts, and I catch him pretty quickly."

So if all else fails, get a yappy dog that loses his sh*t every time the door opens.

IMAGE(http://www.lansingcitypulse.com/lansing/imgs/media/howloween___1st_place___helicopter.jpg)

That, and chimes on the exit doors.

I should add that Alex has gotten out of the house, or away from us at various points. But the locks and safety precautions had stopped that, up until yesterday. He thinks nothing of running away from us, but on the other hand does listen pretty well to us when we're out.

I'm still shopping for new safety equipment. My husband and I have been teaching him his full name, our names, and our street address for a couple of months, but he wouldn't talk to the police officer at all yesterday. So some sort of ID bracelet should help. Can you microchip a child? Tempting.

We are pretty lucky, Owen isn't a runner or a flight risk. We are still going to register him with the police.

Pretty scary. Glad it worked out OK.

Luckily (I guess) my son hasn't even figured out a doorknob yet much less a lock, so we don't have to worry much about him escaping the house. I think the strategy I would use is deadbolts on all outside doors, with both sides requiring keys. Then I'd keep the keys up high somewhere that he couldn't reach.

Unfortunately, in public is a different story. My son has no interest or ability to follow us or any kind of directions. We have to be holding onto his hand firmly at all times or he'll run off. Even in fenced in areas we stay a few feet from him at all times. What's closer than a helicopter parent? That's us.

Anyway, you might want to look into this GPS tracking device here. It sounds pretty neat and provides updates to your phone. Might be expensive though. Autism Daddy did a review of it here.

sometimesdee wrote:

Wow, I did not know that, Eleima. IMO, it's impossible to "helicopter parent" a child until she's old enough for school. When I think of the term, I think of the exact phenomenon that nel e nel quoted. That, and parents who try to negotiate salaries for their adult (NT) children.

NPR wrote:

Michigan State University surveyed more than 700 employers seeking to hire recent college graduates. Nearly one-third said parents had submitted resumes on their child's behalf, some without even informing the child. One-quarter reported hearing from parents urging the employer to hire their son or daughter for a position. Four percent of respondents reported that a parent actually showed up for the candidate's job interview.

Perhaps there's a cultural difference in play here? What the French consider "helicopter parenting" may be a lot broader than in the US.

Actually, I don't even know if there's a French equivalent to "helicopter parenting", this is just my weird brain and its slice of American culture. Thanks for correcting me, Dee and Nel, I guess I had an approximate understanding of the term.
Showing up at a job interview and negotiating salary? That's insane, who does that?... (yes, I know, the obvious answer is "helicopter parents")

Eleima wrote:
sometimesdee wrote:

Wow, I did not know that, Eleima. IMO, it's impossible to "helicopter parent" a child until she's old enough for school. When I think of the term, I think of the exact phenomenon that nel e nel quoted. That, and parents who try to negotiate salaries for their adult (NT) children.

NPR wrote:

Michigan State University surveyed more than 700 employers seeking to hire recent college graduates. Nearly one-third said parents had submitted resumes on their child's behalf, some without even informing the child. One-quarter reported hearing from parents urging the employer to hire their son or daughter for a position. Four percent of respondents reported that a parent actually showed up for the candidate's job interview.

Perhaps there's a cultural difference in play here? What the French consider "helicopter parenting" may be a lot broader than in the US.

Actually, I don't even know if there's a French equivalent to "helicopter parenting", this is just my weird brain and its slice of American culture. Thanks for correcting me, Dee and Nel, I guess I had an approximate understanding of the term.
Showing up at a job interview and negotiating salary? That's insane, who does that?... (yes, I know, the obvious answer is "helicopter parents")

I've never heard the term applied to anything but parents of kids under 12.

It looks like Alex will be placed in the general kindergarten classroom with pull out extra support. That makes me very happy. I talked to a few parents at the Collaborative Autism Team meeting this evening, and their children are in similar situations. I'm glad they're around, just as I am glad we all have this forum. I'll also be involved in some planning for some initiatives in the school district and the university (obviously for two very different age groups). I am energized about possibilities of helping my son and others, and it feels good. At the same time, there are worries about just how independent my son may be able to be. We shall see.

It looks like my daughter is doing more sensory seeking (pushing hard on me and other adults, as well as trying to (yuck) lick my cheek) and twirling. We'll see how it goes. She is such a happy girl in general, and the therapy is helping her progress, at the pace she is ready for, of course.

Really bad day today. My son punched me in the ears with both fists when I was carrying him upstairs for bath time. Not 30 minutes later he punched my wife in the nose and she started crying.

He wasn't mad at us. He loves baths. He doesn't always like being carried but he raised his arms up for my wife to pick him up. He just hits everything. It's one of the main ways he interacts with the world and the last 2+ years of trying all kinds of behavioral, sensory and even dietary intervention hasn't really helped.

So we've now reached the point that we're going to start trying medications. I really hate it. He's only four years old. Somewhere in the back of my mind I've always had this judgmental attitude that parents who give their kids psychiatric medications at this age are just looking for the easy way out, but here we are... Serves me right I guess.

At the last psychologist appointment she noted how hyper and disruptive our son was and suggested we should try medication since it will be very hard for him to learn anything the way he is now. And just to clarify, we are not talking about academic learning but basic life skills like feeding self and using a toilet.

I was very worried about using medication with my son. I guess the fear was that he would be a drugged zombie. I couldn't have been more wrong - the stuff he's taking haven't changed him at all, they just "knock off the peaks." It keeps him "more" in the middle, reducing his extremes.

A pediatrician that cares and is involved should be able to find the right med, and dose. (Right after I typed that, I fear that my anecdotal evidence will not necessarily match anyone else's.)

For the record, he's (11, in grade 6) on Concerta (a time-released Ritalin), and Rispiridone (spelling?) helps him with his "meltdowns" (fewer "Hulk smash!" moments).

So, I wouldn't advise anyone to rule out medication. We are slaves to our own brain-chemistry, you can't always just "choose to be/act different," sometimes we need help.

Not autism related, but my wife and I have recently come to the realization that Sabastian will very likely require medication. He's so smart, but definitely has ADHD. And given his birth, and the fact that it was so traumatic it's now used as a case study at USUHS, I'd say we still came out on the unbelievably miraculously good end of outcomes for him. I think any time a resident gets PTSD from your kid's birth, a bit of medication to stabilize him isn't too shabby, and nothing will probably dope him up as much as all the seizure medications he was on for the first 6 months of his life.

Oddly enough, I don't see Tristan needing it much. He still has meltdowns and such, but he's doing pretty well in his new school. He's pronouncing words a little better, and his vocabulary is slowly picking up. So thankfully all the headache of getting transitioned towards school seems to be helping. Time will tell for him, but at the moment, he doesn't show any signs of really requiring that kind of therapy yet.

For years I really resisted any medication that wasn't some kind of direct bioreplacement. Great for other people, not my cup of tea, etc.

That being said, my life now has Before Adderall and After Adderall epochs, and a year of antidepressants before that was indispensable. There are a lot of people who misuse them and even mis/over-prescribe, but try to keep a cautiously open mind if a situation becomes unsustainable.

My son's been stressed out (what with his father going to the ER last week) and sick over the past few days. So no surprise that he's been crankier. He also has had a more difficult time responding to questions, and I notice he's been echoing my statements and questions a lot more. Have any of the rest of you seen similar things in your own children?

I found this link and thought it was helpful: http://realsocialskills.org/post/325.... I've had the germ of this realization in my mind for a few days and this articulated it really well.

So there’s this dynamic:
Autistic person: The door is open!
Other person: I *know* that. It’s hot in here.
Autistic person: The door is open!
Other person: I already explained to you that it’s hot in here!
Autistic person: The door is open!
Other person: Why do you have to repeat things all the time?!
Often when this happens, what’s really going on is that the autistic person is trying to communicate something, and they’re not being understood. The other person things that they are understanding and responding, and that the autistic person is just repeating the same thing over and over either for no reason or because they are being stubborn and inflexible and obnoxious and pushy.
When what’s really happening is that the autistic person is not being understood, and they are communicating using the words they have. There’s a NT social expectation that if people aren’t being understood, they should change their words and explain things differently. Sometimes autistic people aren’t capable of doing this without help.
So, if this is happening, assume it’s communication and try to figure out what’s being communicated. If you’re the one with more words, and you want the communication to happen in words, then you have to provide words that make communication possible. For example:
Other person: Do you want the door to be closed, or are you saying something else?
Autistic person: Something else
Other person: Do you want to show me something outside, or something else?
Autistic person: Something else
Other person: Are you worried about something that might happen, or something else?
Autistic person: Worried
Other person: Are you worried that something will come in, or that something will go out?
Autistic person: Baby
Other person: She’s in her crib, and the baby gate is up. Is that ok, or is there still a problem?
Autistic person: ok

That's an excellent point.

My wife found something like this a while back: the key is understanding the difference between can't and won't. Usually, people get frustrated with autistic-types because they see someone who outwardly looks ordinary and assume that whatever behaviors they witness are willful.

In reality, the autistic-type is just trying as best she can. Getting angry at her isn't going to help, and if anything will make her retreat further into behaviors we don't like.

I try to give my daughter a lot of positive feedback just for trying to communicate. It's not always easy, but I've watched how getting frustrated or punitive with her sends her back into herself. Making every interpersonal interaction a positive one will make her want to do it more, so I keep trying.

There was a great piece on Polygon regarding autism:
http://www.polygon.com/2015/3/31/831...
I'd use the BBC code but that crashed my phone twice already and I don't feel like typing this message a fourth time.
Has anyone else read it?
Be warned spoilers for Amy, Dreamfall Chapters and To the Moon.

Thanks for linking that article. I really enjoyed it. And I've had To the Moon for so long, and I think I must finally actually play it.

Due to Alex's wandering, we're having to think carefully about how he gets to school next year. He's close enough to walk, but I don't feel comfortable in him doing that without adult supervision. We will see if we can get a bus ride added to his IEP. It's very likely that the before and after school program, which would make it very easy for us to do transportation, would be too much for him.

I can imagine that letting him eat to and from school by himself would be utterly out of the question. I'd do the same in your place. Hope you manage to find options to remedy that.

As for To the Moon... I've been contemplating replaying it because it touched me so deeply the first time I played it and that was before Matt's diagnosis and my own. I can imagine it'll be even more poignant this time around. And it's fairly short so it's not too much to re-add it to the pile.

I meant to add this helpful resource:

http://nationalautismassociation.org...

It has things like: social stories, door alarms, an id tag. It is free to families that qualify.

Eleima wrote:

There was a great piece on Polygon regarding autism:
http://www.polygon.com/2015/3/31/831...
I'd use the BBC code but that crashed my phone twice already and I don't feel like typing this message a fourth time.
Has anyone else read it?
Be warned spoilers for Amy, Dreamfall Chapters and To the Moon.

One thing I can never seem to wrap my head around in articles like this. Seems like they often talk about the "damaging" representations of autism: "nonverbal, temperamental and violent". What does that say about my son, who has all of those traits? I guess my son is a damaging trope.

Anyway, an update about my son...

He is now sleeping consistently through the night, about 9-10 hours. Still takes clonidine to go to sleep, but it's really going great. This is HUGE. Lack of good sleep was really taking a toll. Granted, we probably still don't get enough sleep, but that's our own fault.

On the bad side, as I had anticipated... it seems like every other aspect of our lives with him is just getting slowly and steadily harder. My wife and I are feeling pretty worn down and defeated these days. I'm just so jealous of people who can take every little thing for granted. Seriously, just getting our child from point A to point B within the house is a physical and sometimes mental struggle. Meal times, changing diapers, going out in public is obviously even harder, but at least we can still manage... for now.

gewy wrote:
Eleima wrote:

There was a great piece on Polygon regarding autism:
http://www.polygon.com/2015/3/31/831...
I'd use the BBC code but that crashed my phone twice already and I don't feel like typing this message a fourth time.
Has anyone else read it?
Be warned spoilers for Amy, Dreamfall Chapters and To the Moon.

One thing I can never seem to wrap my head around in articles like this. Seems like they often talk about the "damaging" representations of autism: "nonverbal, temperamental and violent". What does that say about my son, who has all of those traits? I guess my son is a damaging trope.

Anyway, an update about my son...

He is now sleeping consistently through the night, about 9-10 hours. Still takes clonidine to go to sleep, but it's really going great. This is HUGE. Lack of good sleep was really taking a toll. Granted, we probably still don't get enough sleep, but that's our own fault.

On the bad side, as I had anticipated... it seems like every other aspect of our lives with him is just getting slowly and steadily harder. My wife and I are feeling pretty worn down and defeated these days. I'm just so jealous of people who can take every little thing for granted. Seriously, just getting our child from point A to point B within the house is a physical and sometimes mental struggle. Meal times, changing diapers, going out in public is obviously even harder, but at least we can still manage... for now.

That's a huge step Gewy. It's amazing what sleep can do, which is the reason Owen still sleeps in our bed at age 4. We get a good night sleep, and so does he.

I jinxed it. He was up at 3 am last night.

I continue to worry about my son. He'll be two in a couple of weeks. He's a sweet, energetic kid, but when he's not happy, watch out! He recognizes most uppercase letters, and a bunch of lower case ones as well, even uncommon ones like "q." But I worry because while he does know quite a few words, he doesn't seem to come up with much on his own. Most of his speech is really just repetition. I'll ask him, "do you want juice or water," and he'll say "wagee." When I immediately flip the question, he'll also flip the answer; asking him if he wants water or juice will get me the reply of "juice." He'll often get upset if I give him either, because what he really wanted was milk, which he'll pronounce "buck," which is the same word he uses for "book." We even emphasize the "m," and do the touch cues like the early intervention teacher says, but he'll go "mmmm buck," while signing for "milk."

I guess I'm just worried that he's not entirely unscathed, and that I did pass some autism traits to him after all. It doesn't help that

Spoiler:

there might be another Absurd on the way

. While I like to say I'm a proponent of neurodiversity, I feel kinda guilty for passing on my genes, because I've been trained to see autism as a drain on resources and society, etc., even though I'd never think that about anyone not me or my progeny.

The language aspect is typically the most noticeable trait with Tristan. He calls his brother (Sabastian) "Banyan", and there are a few other words he just doesn't get quite right. He definitely replaces W for R in most words, and he doesn't use S very well. I think the worst Tristanism we have is when he picks up a stick... "LOOK! DICK! LOOK DADDY, I HAVE A DICK!"

It gets really hard to keep a straight face sometimes.

This is mainly in response to Sometimesdee's concerns but also applies to most everyone here. I really think your kids who are behind in language development, but still seeing SOME development and progress... I really think your kids will do OK in the long run. It may be a struggle, and they may need a lot more support than most, but they'll get there and find their place in society eventually.

Of course it's easy and self-serving for me to say this from my perspective. I mean, if there's no hope for your kids, what possible hope is there for mine?

At this point, I really can't imagine a future where I hear my son speak... Even a word. It may happen, but after the last couple of years, I am so pessimistic. Honestly, this wouldn't bother me too much if I had some idea that he would pick up some kind of alternate communication strategy, but right now, that's not looking too good either.

Latest speech therapy note mentioned our son's gotten very good at isolating his index finger while pointing? Yay, I guess, but really, is that the best that can be said about his progress in speech therapy after almost 3 years? Ugh... We'll never get there.

You know, frak it, gewy. I get it, my kid and I are "not like your child." I'm starting to think that you really meant this to be, for lack of a better term, the "non-verbal 'low-functioning' autism thread." Sorry that it took me a while to read between the lines; we Aspies are famous for being deficient in that area.