Tell us your best dad jokes!

doubtingthomas396 wrote:

I hope nobody needles me about it , but I've been pining for some good Arbor Day jokes.

I tried, but it appears to have passed through like wind in the willows.

I don't think these puns are very poplar. Personally, olive them, but maybe yew ought to stop before others get sycamore.

Come on everyone, we're getting too rooted on this one theme. I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest we branch out into something new.

Where does a dog go when he loses his tail?

A retail store

tanstaafl wrote:

Come on everyone, we're getting too rooted on this one theme. I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest we branch out into something new.

I'm worried that this maple the community apart. We really should pear down these puns.

How many bad joke tellers does it take to ruin a - no... wait... that's not how it goes. Never mind.

If you've got a 5 year plan, it can be said that you have 2020 vision!

Spoiler:

Only works this year.

Serengeti wrote:

If you've got a 5 year plan, it can be said that you have 2020 vision!

Spoiler:

Only works this year.

Luckily there is still enough time for anyone that really likes this to make a baby by the end of the year if they don't already have one.

Yonder wrote:
Serengeti wrote:

If you've got a 5 year plan, it can be said that you have 2020 vision!

Spoiler:

Only works this year.

Luckily there is still enough time for anyone that really likes this to make a baby by the end of the year if they don't already have one.

Challenge accepted.

Get that tax write off in, before the cut-off.

Two executioners were at a bar after a hard weeks' work. They were debating the tradeoffs and advantages of their preferred methods and had nearly concluded that neither approach was superior, however one pointed out that by using the axe, it was far easier to get ahead.

The condemned man was asked whether he would prefer to be beheaded or burnt at the stake. He chose to burn.

When asked why, he replied "a hot stake is better than a cold chop."

(This joke is not one of mine. It comes courtesy of Curly Howard)

I made this one up myself:

What do you call a ninja with a light-saber?

Shinobi Wan Kenobi.

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

Spoiler:

A wooly jumper

(Courtesy of the excellent children's cartoon, Ben and Holly's Little Kingdom)

BunbyHeri wrote:

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

Spoiler:

A wooly jumper

(Courtesy of the excellent children's cartoon, Ben and Holly's Little Kingdom)

Hahahaha!

Me: Did you hear about that actress that got attacked and stabbed by her crazed stalker?!
Wife: What?! No! Which actress?
Me: Oh what's her name... Reese... um...Reese...
Wife: Witherspoon?
Me: No - with a knife.
Wife: ...

OldMud wrote:

Me: Did you hear about that actress that got attacked and stabbed by her crazed stalker?!
Wife: What?! No! Which actress?
Me: Oh what's her name... Reese... um...Reese...
Wife: Witherspoon?
Me: No - with a knife.
Wife: ...

Bahahaha

Heheheheh!

Citizen86 wrote:
OldMud wrote:

Me: Did you hear about that actress that got attacked and stabbed by her crazed stalker?!
Wife: What?! No! Which actress?
Me: Oh what's her name... Reese... um...Reese...
Wife: Witherspoon?
Me: No - with a knife.
Wife: ...

Bahahaha

Pulled this one on my wife once... She was not amused.

I still think it's hilarious.

manta173 wrote:
Citizen86 wrote:
OldMud wrote:

Me: Did you hear about that actress that got attacked and stabbed by her crazed stalker?!
Wife: What?! No! Which actress?
Me: Oh what's her name... Reese... um...Reese...
Wife: Witherspoon?
Me: No - with a knife.
Wife: ...

Bahahaha

Pulled this one on my wife once... She was not amused.

I still think it's hilarious.

Me too, but she didn't get it right away. *sigh*

What you do call that gulf of understanding between the joke you made and the person who doesn't get it?

A sar-chasm.

doubtingthomas396 wrote:

What you do call that gulf of understanding between the joke you made and the person who doesn't get it?

A sar-chasm.

well played... well played sir!

Citizen86 wrote:
manta173 wrote:
Citizen86 wrote:
OldMud wrote:

Me: Did you hear about that actress that got attacked and stabbed by her crazed stalker?!
Wife: What?! No! Which actress?
Me: Oh what's her name... Reese... um...Reese...
Wife: Witherspoon?
Me: No - with a knife.
Wife: ...

Bahahaha

Pulled this one on my wife once... She was not amused.

I still think it's hilarious.

Me too, but she didn't get it right away. *sigh*

I am using this one tonight! I expect eyeball rolling and withholding of sexy times...on second thought, maybe I will wait till tomorrow.

cartoonin99 wrote:
Citizen86 wrote:
manta173 wrote:
Citizen86 wrote:
OldMud wrote:

Me: Did you hear about that actress that got attacked and stabbed by her crazed stalker?!
Wife: What?! No! Which actress?
Me: Oh what's her name... Reese... um...Reese...
Wife: Witherspoon?
Me: No - with a knife.
Wife: ...

Bahahaha

Pulled this one on my wife once... She was not amused.

I still think it's hilarious.

Me too, but she didn't get it right away. *sigh*

I am using this one tonight! I expect eyeball rolling and withholding of sexy times...on second thought, maybe I will wait till tomorrow. ;)

No! Tonight! Sexy times can come later.

Spoiler:

Get it?

Booooo

danopian wrote:

Booooo

Now that's the reaction in looking for!

Why did the ghost have bandages?

It got a boo boo.

Why did the young pharaoh visit the tombs?

He liked to be near his mummy.

I hear Ra built a new temple. It has a gold alter, marble floors and beams of light.

Did you just turn my heckling into a pun? Shame on you, sir! Heckling is a serious sport!

IMAGE(http://i.imgur.com/i4x5g.gif)