Parenting Catch-all

It sounds annoying for sure, but having worked in university leadership/entrepreneurship this totally sounds like an entrepreneurial mindset to me. Think of an inventor. People have X and Y, but didn't think to use Z. Maybe? So suffer for like 16 more years and maybe he'll invent something cool and support you?

I would change the phrasing. Instead of "do you want" how about "We have a choice between pizza or spaghetti. Which do you think we should have?" Instead of making it about whatever random thing he decides he wants, make it about what's available and him choosing between those options.

This thread always makes me smile. You guys are all talking about potty training, and yesterday I got a text with a blurry picture of an engagement ring in it. My elder son finally decided to take the plunge.

momgamer wrote:

I would change the phrasing. Instead of "do you want" how about "We have a choice between pizza or spaghetti. Which do you think we should have?" Instead of making it about whatever random thing he decides he wants, make it about what's available and him choosing between those options.

This thread always makes me smile. You guys are all talking about potty training, and yesterday I got a text with a blurry picture of an engagement ring in it. My elder son finally decided to take the plunge.

Congrats!

Potty training, engagement ring, and plunge are three things I hope to never hear in close proximity again. At the moment the only plunges my daughter is taking is her hands, and one toy, into the toilet.

Roo wrote:

huh, we've had no "standing on stuff" phase.

What's not a phase, that I wish my son (aged 5) would stop, is this:

When presented with any choice A or B (even if that's "Do you want pizza or spaghetti?") he always asks for some C option that was not mentioned. Every freaking time. Starting to seriously get on my nerves, although I know that will only prolong this fun pastime of his.

Have any of ya'll had this one? Thoughts?

"Nope, A or B."
"C."
"Fine, you get A."

*boom*

Doesn't mean he won't complain about it. They stop asking for C eventually.

Chumpy, from the perspective of the teacher working with little ones, I would second the "change the phrasing."

As much as I'd like my 1st graders to be able to make whatever they want project wise, choices are limited by resources (yours by ingredients).

Maybe let them pick what to have one day out of the week?

MomGamer - Congrats!! You sound like an awesome future MIL!!

momgamer wrote:

This thread always makes me smile. You guys are all talking about potty training, and yesterday I got a text with a blurry picture of an engagement ring in it. My elder son finally decided to take the plunge.

Congrats!! As a dad of two girls, one a tween, I get cold sweats worrying about when they start dating and what will happen then. :E

Chumpy_McChump wrote:

"Nope, A or B."
"C."
"Fine, you get A."

*boom*

Doesn't mean he won't complain about it. They stop asking for C eventually. ;)

My kid has never responded properly when I give her a choice between two options like that if she has something else she really wants. It's *always* still C with her.

Does this tactic actually work for anybody?

gore wrote:
Chumpy_McChump wrote:

"Nope, A or B."
"C."
"Fine, you get A."

*boom*

Doesn't mean he won't complain about it. They stop asking for C eventually. ;)

My kid has never responded properly when I give her a choice between two options like that if she has something else she really wants. It's *always* still C with her.

Does this tactic actually work for anybody?

What ages are you talking about here. My 2.5 year old doesn't get this tactic at all, but maybe 3 or 4 she will. When does this start working (if it does)?

momgamer wrote:

I would change the phrasing. Instead of "do you want" how about "We have a choice between pizza or spaghetti. Which do you think we should have?" Instead of making it about whatever random thing he decides he wants, make it about what's available and him choosing between those options.

This thread always makes me smile. You guys are all talking about potty training, and yesterday I got a text with a blurry picture of an engagement ring in it. My elder son finally decided to take the plunge.

Usually, this isn't true as a group choice. For breakfast, there might be two kinds of cereal left in the house. And if I tell him, "All we have in the house is Cheerios and Golden Grahams" his sister can choose whatever she wants, and he will say, "I want Cookie Crisps" when we don't have any. I will say, "Sorry, buddy, look up here in the shelf, all that's left is Cheerios and Golden Grahams."

His response? "Go to the supermarket. I want Cookie Crisps."

Mind you, he likes all of them. And if Golden Grahams and Cookie Crisps are all we have left...he wants Cheerios.

I *would* like to reword this somehow so he doesn't take it as a challenge. I'm trying to involve him in the decision so he feels like he has a choice.

And believe me, I've tried variations on Chumpy's.

"Okay, let me know when you've decided. Between Cheerios and Golden Grahams."

"Okay, I'll just put both in the bowl."

"Okay, Cheerios it is."

"I'm sorry, that's all we have."

Any attempt at this kind of stuff, even just "Sorry, that's all there is..." gets his angry reaction of feeling like I'm messing with him. And it goes downhill from there.

His reaction is much better some days than others. Not giving him a choice and just putting something in a bowl...not a good plan.

Roo wrote:

huh, we've had no "standing on stuff" phase.

What's not a phase, that I wish my son (aged 5) would stop, is this:

When presented with any choice A or B (even if that's "Do you want pizza or spaghetti?") he always asks for some C option that was not mentioned. Every freaking time. Starting to seriously get on my nerves, although I know that will only prolong this fun pastime of his.

Have any of ya'll had this one? Thoughts?

Potential suggestion for the change of phrasing, instead of Do you want pizza or spaghetti?

Try. Which would you prefer / what do you like the best out of pizza or spaghetti?

It changes it from a closed question with a binary choice to a leaping off point for a discussion which can culminate with "so what you are saying is that between a and b you prefer a? Well it's your lucky day kiddo, we're having a for dinner! yay! Whoo! yeah!"

Roo wrote:
momgamer wrote:

I would change the phrasing. Instead of "do you want" how about "We have a choice between pizza or spaghetti. Which do you think we should have?" Instead of making it about whatever random thing he decides he wants, make it about what's available and him choosing between those options.

This thread always makes me smile. You guys are all talking about potty training, and yesterday I got a text with a blurry picture of an engagement ring in it. My elder son finally decided to take the plunge.

Usually, this isn't true as a group choice. For breakfast, there might be two kinds of cereal left in the house. And if I tell him, "All we have in the house is Cheerios and Golden Grahams" his sister can choose whatever she wants, and he will say, "I want Cookie Crisps" when we don't have any. I will say, "Sorry, buddy, look up here in the shelf, all that's left is Cheerios and Golden Grahams."

His response? "Go to the supermarket. I want Cookie Crisps."

Mind you, he likes all of them. And if Golden Grahams and Cookie Crisps are all we have left...he wants Cheerios.

I *would* like to reword this somehow so he doesn't take it as a challenge. I'm trying to involve him in the decision so he feels like he has a choice.

And believe me, I've tried variations on Chumpy's.

"Okay, let me know when you've decided. Between Cheerios and Golden Grahams."

"Okay, I'll just put both in the bowl."

"Okay, Cheerios it is."

"I'm sorry, that's all we have."

Any attempt at this kind of stuff, even just "Sorry, that's all there is..." gets his angry reaction of feeling like I'm messing with him. And it goes downhill from there.

His reaction is much better some days than others. Not giving him a choice and just putting something in a bowl...not a good plan.

I have found that a sympathetic response is sometimes enough to get a child off of their Option C and back to your available Options.

So the response is something like:

"Aw, I wish I could give you Cookie Crisps, but we don't have any right now."

That way you are acknowledging his feelings, and yours (presumably), but also recognizing the reality that is in front of you, that of Options A and B.

I do a similar thing, where I'll say " you really want cookie crisps" and then I'll say " I wish I could make cookie crisps just appear, like BANG now that lamp is cookie crisps" and get him out of the impasse by acknowledging him, and then making him laugh. Works a lot of the time, unless he's really exhausted.

jonnypolite wrote:

I do a similar thing, where I'll say " you really want cookie crisps" and then I'll say " I wish I could make cookie crisps just appear, like BANG now that lamp is cookie crisps" and get him out of the impasse by acknowledging him, and then making him laugh. Works a lot of the time, unless he's really exhausted.

A lot of days, I just don't have the energy for this. It's better now that my kids are older (they're 5 and 7), but there were plenty of times when it had to be MultiGrain Cheerios. Well, when we're out of those, you can either have what I'm offering, or have nothing.

Honestly, what seems to work best is giving my boys nothing if they aren't happy with the choices. They have tended to either decide they're happy without or to pick one of the available options.

I don't feel bad about not including them in every choice, or "acknowledging their feelings" every time they decide to be recalcitrant about something very minor. I recognize that they're people and have their own thoughts and all that, but the world in general doesn't give a rat's ass about the way you feel about the bus schedule, or the speed limit, or how annoying that guy with the accordion is; I'm not going to pander to them to ridiculous degrees, because that's neither sustainable nor particularly helpful for either of us.

Hey gang,

I'm looking to get Olive a carrier-pack, for future hiking trips. Something like an Osprey Poco. Does anyone have some wisdom from experience to share on the subject? Better alternatives?

We had a Kelty that we loved. Things I'd look for: a spring loaded kickstand so you can take it off and put it right down on the ground without help, a removable sun shade, and for most/all of the pack space to be underneath the kid. If you get one of the larger packs with an additional compartment near the top, I wouldn't load it with more than some light jackets or whatever. That's really far back to carry any sort of load.

Edit: we may still have it. I believe it's a Pathfinder. I'll check when I'm back from vacation.

Chumpy, mine are 5 and 6.5.

I've got them into 'contributing to the shopping list' as option C.

I do the grocery shopping early Saturday morning, and ever Friday, for the last 6 months, I've been asking if there is 'anything you need when I go shopping tomorrow?'.

First few times, nothing. Little one runs out of Dora toothpaste on Tuesday. Did you tell me you needed it? Did you check? Good job I did this time, you were lucky. They now 'get it', that there is a process of acquisition, and the pantry isn't a magical food vortex that grants culinary wishes, no matter how much we all wish it was.

Slowly, but surely, when option 'c' gets requested now, and I remind them that we only have a choice of 'a' or 'b' I get told to get my iPad and put 'c' on the list for next week.

I'm doing some of my best parenting this week, meaning the kids are visiting the grandparents while mom and dad unwind a bit.

Mine are 8 year old twins (b/g) and it's great most of the time, but with no family in town it's nice to get a bit of time to take a breather.

My wife and I rarely get the kind of break you're talking about Wizard, as it's just not feasible given where our relatives live, and how able they are to take care of the kids. Once a year, we go away for a weekend for our anniversary.

But.

We have "date nights" almost every Friday, and go out for 3-5 hours. I find that when we miss date night, I am cranky/grumpy all the next week. Truly, it doesn't matter that much what we do on date night, or how much it costs. Having weekly time as a couple is priceless. Even if we spend half the time talking about the kids.

Prior to having date nights, we reached this point where my daughter was 4, and my son was 1, and the only conversation my wife and I would have for hours after work was, "Your turn!" Which is just so not the relationship we had before child #2.

Date Night. Not at all related to the movie. I highly recommend it.

We're trying to get something like that setup in my house as well, but we're really struggling to find a babysitter. We have no family within 3,000 miles, so we've only had a total of about 4 hours off in the last year (when family came to visit).

I've got you beat, our closest family is nearly 6,000 miles away (9000km).

Yeah, it's... Not fun. I don't even remember what a date night is, despite my best efforts to organize some (my husband's feedback was apathetic).

We too have the closest family thousands of miles away. So we're improvising.

We're going out for our second kid-free date night (in nearly 6 months) this Friday, which is our 10th wedding anniversary postponed from January, (when Mrs. Jonman was 8 months pregnant, and thus ineligible for martinis), otherwise known as Steakiversary. We have a very supportive circle of friends, including oddparents (godparents without the god part), who are largely also displaced from their families, and have communally bought into the notion of "chosen family", so that's an enormous boon. It doesn't hurt that we've lucked out in that Olive is easy-going and good-natured, so babysitting her seems to be a thing that our friends want to do, instead of feel obligated to. Probably the fact that we're among the first of our social circle to have a kid works in our favor too.

We're also pretty keen on the idea of "nights off", which is mostly something that fell out of us being polyamorous, but that I would heartily recommend for any set of parents. Give your partner some time off, have them go do what whatever it is that fulfills them while you wrangle the kids, then swap roles. Even if it's one night a month, it's some powerful voodoo.

My wife is pregnant with our first, she just entered the second trimester. She had stomach and vomiting issues 22 hours a day, every day until last Tuesday when it suddenly stopped and she hasn't had a stomach issue since, yay! It was agonizing because she couldn't sleep and never had stomach issues before pregnancy.

She had a prenatal check up today and the doctor says everything is healthy. My concern now is how healthy the baby will be after birth. This is because I was very unhealthy as a child. I had five surgeries in the first week of my life. I am also adopted and have no family history to go on. Thankfully her family history is full of healthy children.

mrwynd wrote:

My wife is pregnant with our first, she just entered the second trimester. She had stomach and vomiting issues 22 hours a day, every day until last Tuesday when it suddenly stopped and she hasn't had a stomach issue since, yay! It was agonizing because she couldn't sleep and never had stomach issues before pregnancy.

She had a prenatal check up today and the doctor says everything is healthy. My concern now is how healthy the baby will be after birth. This is because I was very unhealthy as a child. I had five surgeries in the first week of my life. I am also adopted and have no family history to go on. Thankfully her family history is full of healthy children.

'gratz!

Jonman wrote:

We're also pretty keen on the idea of "nights off", which is mostly something that fell out of us being polyamorous, but that I would heartily recommend for any set of parents. Give your partner some time off, have them go do what whatever it is that fulfills them while you wrangle the kids, then swap roles. Even if it's one night a month, it's some powerful voodoo.

We do exactly this, more or less as often as we can.

Our daughter is still a pretty rough sleeper so that's our biggest problem with finding a babysitter for nights out. We need someone who can handle getting her back to sleep and most of our friends, while supportive, can't really handle that.

SixteenBlue wrote:
Jonman wrote:

We're also pretty keen on the idea of "nights off", which is mostly something that fell out of us being polyamorous, but that I would heartily recommend for any set of parents. Give your partner some time off, have them go do what whatever it is that fulfills them while you wrangle the kids, then swap roles. Even if it's one night a month, it's some powerful voodoo.

We do exactly this, more or less as often as we can.

Our daughter is still a pretty rough sleeper so that's our biggest problem with finding a babysitter for nights out. We need someone who can handle getting her back to sleep and most of our friends, while supportive, can't really handle that.

I fear that this is in my future. So far, I've issued willing volunteers with a pair of disposable ear-plugs and an encouragement to use them while they snuggle a screaming baby back to sleep.

Jonman wrote:

We too have the closest family thousands of miles away. So we're improvising.

We're going out for our second kid-free date night (in nearly 6 months) this Friday, which is our 10th wedding anniversary postponed from January, (when Mrs. Jonman was 8 months pregnant, and thus ineligible for martinis), otherwise known as Steakiversary. We have a very supportive circle of friends, including oddparents (godparents without the god part), who are largely also displaced from their families, and have communally bought into the notion of "chosen family", so that's an enormous boon. It doesn't hurt that we've lucked out in that Olive is easy-going and good-natured, so babysitting her seems to be a thing that our friends want to do, instead of feel obligated to. Probably the fact that we're among the first of our social circle to have a kid works in our favor too.

We're also pretty keen on the idea of "nights off", which is mostly something that fell out of us being polyamorous, but that I would heartily recommend for any set of parents. Give your partner some time off, have them go do what whatever it is that fulfills them while you wrangle the kids, then swap roles. Even if it's one night a month, it's some powerful voodoo.

We just moved here to Seattle and it's that "chosen family" we left behind in Wisconsin that we miss the most. As parents of a toddler, it's tough to get back in the social scene and meet new friends and it's going to take years to get back to the level we had before.

Fortunately, our day care does monthly sleepovers and our family and old friends visit often so we still get out. We're also big on the "nights off" concept as well. Movies, shows, drinks with coworkers. Breaks up the routine and gets you out with other adults.

Side questions - where's Steakiversary? I also miss my old favorite steakhouse, The Tornado in Madison, Wisconsin.

Trashie wrote:

Side questions - where's Steakiversary? I also miss my old favorite steakhouse, The Tornado in Madison, Wisconsin.

The Metropolitan Grill.

It's pricey, but the steak will make you weep.

MrWynd, congratulations! I'm sure if your prenatal care indicates healthy, your little one will be just fine!

It's hard not to worry through your first. Lord, do I know. Second time around, meh! No worries at all - then, we've had no cause for concern.

Do your best not to stress. Stress can cause problems for your wife and your baby. Take it visit to visit and trust that all will be well. Good luck and again, congratulations!