\"It's time for a break?\" AHHHHH!

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OK... so I am totally freaked out and need some thoughts.

Tonight, after talking about some of the problems we had with our relationship, and things we felt like we needed to fix (like her not treating me like a friend anymore and more like her old boyfriend that she didn't like)... my girlfriend and I (mostly her) decided we should go on a break to save our long-term friendship (whether that be merely as friends or as lovers...).

And... I can't be more freaked out... I mean, I cherish our friendship... but I don't want to lose her either. She's the only girl who's ever looked at me like I was more than just a guy friend who's good to talk to when a girl is pissed at her boyfriend... she loved me for me... my gaming... my nerdiness... everything...

I know they say that if you love someone, you'll let them go... but no one ever really mentioned how freaky it feels to be the one letting go...

But... I don't feel entirely bad with this idea... there's a... hopefulness that everything will work out and our relationship will be better than ever... But that doesn't mean I'm not scared sh*tless... My friends tell me that we're inseparable, and while it may not feel like it now... we'll be back to normal in no time...

I just don't know... I'm gonna do everything I can to help along re-establishing our friendship... and I'm really hoping that our love can re-emerge from that... and I know that if it doesn't feel like that should happen... that I will step down and bow out of that arena gracefully...

But... I'm scared of doing that... because I really have no idea where I'll go from there...

Anyone else been in a similar situation? Or maybe some advice?

happy to catch you online - your references to buddhism have interested me, please read my post on your sooooodrunk thread first, and understand that where you will go from here is toward greater understanding, and eventually greater love...

Couple questions...

1) How old are you? Not that it makes really any difference but experience is a HUGE part in a relationship and how you deal with these types of things.
2) Your idea or her idea? If its yours just relax... if its HERS be prepared to see her with other guys... its a fact sorry.
3) Dont work to hard to get her back... if its meant to be its meant to be... if its not, your going to have to forget her (its tough and MAN I know it sux and how hard it is but your going to have to do it). If you work hard you''ll become obsessed and it will ruin your short term life AND any possible chance of getting back with her (again... speaking by experience).
4) DO OTHER THINGS... go with friends, embed yourself with games/school/sports etc etc. It will show her that you can survive w/out her AND (more importantly) it will show YOU that you can live w/out her.

Thats all I got for now

Goodluck bud... relationships are the hardest thing. Oh and Im sure our more experienced (or whatever :)) members will give a bunch of other advice (Mex, KTaco come to mind) but this is the best I can give you.

PAR

"SillyRabbit" wrote:

happy to catch you online - your references to buddhism have interested me, please read my post on your sooooodrunk thread first, and understand that where you will go from here is toward greater understanding, and eventually greater love...

Heh, I saw that actually... but I don''t really believe that such a goal is really attainable for me... I''m a fatalist... and I live with the fact that I will always have some earthly desires... and love and sex are them... I''ve spent too much time believing love is the most important thing in life to just give up on it... though if I had to... maybe I should look into finding a temple around here to spend a few months in.

EDIT: Oh wait, misread that... Yeah I guess a greater understanding of relationships (and hopefully a relationship with her) is where I''m headed no matter what... I''m just hoping for a certain outcome none the less.

Heh. Relax, n00b.

Let her go, and learn to be happy by yourself, not depending on someone else for your enlightment.

Well, I instigated a ""break"" with Karla earlier in our relationship for personal reasons but I later confessed that I was also seriously thinking about breaking up with her. That''s usually the reason for a ""break"" and it''s a nice way to ease the other person into ending the romantic relationship. That''s the bad news but the good news is after a week or so I called her up and we formed an even stronger bond than we had before.

Best thing you can do (in my book) is give each other some space and see how you feel after some time apart. No late night weepy discussions, no flowers, no notes under the door. Just let it go for a while.

Granted, I''m shallow, but you''ve got to start ''hitting it'' with other women as soon as possible.

Trust me it does dull the pain.

That''s what I did wrong. I instigated a ""break"" once myself, and kicked myself for a couple months since nothing really improved, at least for me, in the time we had a part. Oh well, that''s why I''m back at college now. Not for some damn MBA, but for the womenz!

I guess what I think about giving up attachments (sort of what Certis did before he figured out that Karla was his lobster) is that you let go of ego associated with the attachment and it becomes about the love itself, or lack thereof. Not to be sad, but to have learned so much more about love from the experience...and like they say, if comes back, it''s yours! No guilt, no regrets!!

Full agreement with the ""learn to live with yourself"" camp. Regardless of how this realtionship turns out, you''ll never find real meaningful love with another person until you understand yourself. The bad news is that gaining that understanding requires the absence of a relationship.

I have to agree with ""learn to live with yourself"" camp. I just started learning that as I moved on to my second girlfriend (we broke up after a month but remain amazingly close friends). I''m also a firm believer of the ""love is the most important thing"" camp aswell. But look at it this way Demos, if you two do break-up be happy that you remain friends. My first girlfriend was the best friend that I ever had and now we can''t even talk to each other. Sit down and think if it really is for the better. Pray to Buddha or whatever. Or do what I do, play hockey. I''ve learned that hockey solves everything.

""love is the most important thing""

Hahahahahahaha! Umm oh wait you were serious....

"Zedian" wrote:
""love is the most important thing""

Hahahahahahaha! Umm oh wait you were serious.... ;)

Hardy har har... That said, I have a background that has shown me that people take money and careers far too seriously compared to their lives. I''ve watched people around me give up family lives for more money... and get divorced because of it... in some cases, I watched that person delve more and more into an entirely self-centered spiral where they''re still never happy... and I''ve seen others focus on family and love and come out happier than ever... It''s just what I feel is important. Nothing wrong with that.

Hardy har har... That said, I have a background that has shown me that people take money and careers far too seriously compared to their lives. I''ve watched people around me give up family lives for more money... and get divorced because of it... in some cases, I watched that person delve more and more into an entirely self-centered spiral where they''re still never happy... and I''ve seen others focus on family and love and come out happier than ever... It''s just what I feel is important. Nothing wrong with that.

I am seriously not making fun of your statement. I just would have phrased it as people are the most important. The joking comment I made was more about ""romantic love"".

"Demosthenes" wrote:
"Zedian" wrote:
""love is the most important thing""

Hahahahahahaha! Umm oh wait you were serious.... ;)

Hardy har har... That said, I have a background that has shown me that people take money and careers far too seriously compared to their lives. I''ve watched people around me give up family lives for more money... and get divorced because of it... in some cases, I watched that person delve more and more into an entirely self-centered spiral where they''re still never happy... and I''ve seen others focus on family and love and come out happier than ever... It''s just what I feel is important. Nothing wrong with that.

You are wise beyond your years demos. Took me until now (33) to figure that out.

Whenever I''ve gone through similar experiences I''ve tried to adopt a Zen attitude- what happens will happen, and time will reveal the way things ought to be. In the words of the great master Yun Men:

In walking, just walk.
In sitting, just sit.
Above all: Don''t wobble.

<insert gong crash here>

Class is dismissed.

I agree it takes 2 happy people to make a relationship.

Whatever you do don''t get crazy on her or you WILL lose your friendship.

Allow her the space and see where it leads.

Remember whatever happens, life will move on and you WILL meet someone else.

I don''t mean to be rude but I''ve used the ""break"" thing a lot of times in my younger days for various bs reasons but the real reason was always that I didn''t have the balls to tell the girl I simply couldn''t stand her anymore, I''ll just say this to you. Move on. She has. The sooner you forget about her the better you''ll be.

I went through something sort of similar. I would recommend:

1) Truly give her her space if she want it. DON''T push.
2) Think about WHY she wants time apart. Think about why she REALLY wants time apart and be prepared to face the reality. If it''s something you''re doing (for me it truly was, I was a dick) don''t try to defend your actions, instead try to empathize with her and understand how you make her feel. If it''s just that she doesn''t have the same feelings for you (anymore or ever), not too much you can do about it but you need to be able to accept it.

3) Assert your feelings matter-of-factly. A lot of folks will disagree with me here but I believe this is essential. Agree to whatever she feels she needs but tell her how you feel. this may seem to conflict with the giving her space thing. It doesn''t. Your feelings are still valid and you have a right to them The key is to let her know very plainly how you feel about her wihtout requiring anything of her and without being clingy or desperate.

This requires that you KNOW how you really feel.

4) Accept that you will live without her and practice doing so. Nothing new here, everybody has touched on this.

Going back to just friends will be REALLY hard. It will mainly serve to keep one of you attainable for the other. Sure, it COULD work outside of Must-See-TV but it isn''t terribly likely. Now you''ll hear everyone''s stories about how this actually worked for them. The fools are playing right into my hands!

Fletcher1138 said (sorry, still figuring out how to post here):
""The bad news is that gaining that understanding requires the absence of a relationship""
^That''s not necessarily true.

"Mex" wrote:

Heh. Relax, n00b.

Let her go, and learn to be happy by yourself, not depending on someone else for your enlightment.

Words of wisdom that apply to everyone.

"Eezy_Bordone" wrote:

Granted, I''m shallow, but you''ve got to start ''hitting it'' with other women as soon as possible.

Trust me it does dull the pain.

I''m going to echo this sentiment for the sake of humor.. ''The best way to get over someone is to get under someone''

But seriously.. One thing that I believe is that taking a break is more about self discovery and working on your own personal needs..not about anyone else... Sure.. this will make you a better potential mate, but a break probably isn''t about the both of you but rather each of you individually.. If that makes sense.

Take advantage of your time instead of trying to figure out how to hang on to something that may or may not exist exactly as you want or remember it.. Figure out what you want and let her figure out what she wants.. Even married people have this luxury (and responsibility) Hopefully you''ll meet somewhere in the middle.

And if not then there''s about 3 billion other women out there that you haven''t met and a lot of them are twins

"Gio_Clark" wrote:

I''m going to echo this sentiment for the sake of humor.. ''The best way to get over someone is to get under someone''

...

And if not then there''s about 3 billion other women out there that you haven''t met and a lot of them are twins :)

There''s also the method where in you could post any movies you''ve made of having sex with her to uselessjunk.com.

I''m not sure it''s possible for people to be ""friends"" once they''ve been partners. I mean, I''m capable of being in a room with some of my exes, and as a rule everyone would get out alive, but it''s not like I''m going to invite one to dinner at the house.

(Of course, I am a cruel and vindictive creature when angered, and my people hold grudges for generations...so ya know, your mileage may vary.)

But seriously, once you''ve been intimate with someone, part of your brain will always stake a claim on that person. It''s hard to see them with someone else, it''s uncomfortable when you''re with someone else and you run into them, future partners of you both will always keep an eye on them because they discovered territory first, and there''s a flag somewhere with their name on it in the folds of your grey matter. It''s quite possible to be social acquaintances, but very rare to remain ""friends"".

That said, ""time off"" doesn''t necessarily mean ""the end"". Sometimes it really does mean, ""time to consider what''s the best possible outcome and how can I get there"".

If, gods forbid, Duck and I were having issues, I would much prefer a cooling off and reevaluation period than to jump into a decision made rashly or emotionally. So, I believe that ""time off"" can be a valid, non destructive decision.

... I feel your pain.
I''ve gone through the same thing a couple times with different chicks, and I will tell you with 90% certainty: The only reason a girl will ask for a break, is so that she can hang with another guy without being inhibited by being ''in a relationship.'' The ''break'' is like the get out of jail free card. The only reason a woman will leave a sure-thing relationship with an obviously devoted guy is if the stud down the road looks like a sweeter ride. She will feel things out with the other guy for the duration of the break. Depending on the terms and conditions of the break she may become intimate with this guy without feeling guilty.

Advice: Build a wall around your heart. Inside this wall build a playground with pretty delusions and ideals. Give the wall a great big window. Every now and again force your heart to stare out of the window ""Clockwork Orange"" style. Then return to your ideals and delusions... Until one day, while staring out at the world you see someone staring back. Then the pain begins.

Real Advice: Life goes on. With or without her. She is a thinking being with her own motivations and drives. Maybe her heart is already behind a wall. If it seems that you are hurt more by this than her then she is probably already frolicking in her own little walled off playground.

If you are worth it, she''ll be back. Now you have to decide if SHE is worth it. This may be the first break, whatever her motivation for this was. Consider, when will be the next break?

I gotta stop writing, I''m digging up some bad demons here.

The only problem with a ""break"" is how easy they become once the first has happened.

I once took a break because I was feeling hemmed in and like I was unable to really do anything without her always questioning me. She cried, called me a ""bastard"" and stormed off.

We were back together in less than a month.

Eight months later, she takes a ""break"" which lasts about three months.

One night she calls, and by morning we''re back together. A week later, my turn to break . . .

Rinse and repeat for about a year. That was one rollercoaster ride I probably didn''t need, but like all amusement parks, it''s all about the rides--ain''t it?

"DuckiDeva" wrote:

That said, ""time off"" doesn''t necessarily mean ""the end"". Sometimes it really does mean, ""time to consider what''s the best possible outcome and how can I get there"".

Yes, but 95% of the time it''s really a secret code for ""I''m interested in having sex with people who aren''t you"" or ""I''m feeling stifled by you and I need to escape and never come back."" I''ve had it used on me, I''m ashamed to say I''ve used it myself, and I''ve seen it used on and by friends and acquaintances more times than I care to recall. It means: ""I want to break up with you but I don''t want to hurt your feelings.""

I''ve seen a very few exceptions, but they have all been in circumstances in which the relationship was under extreme duress from the outside: ""I''ve been drafted and I''m leaving for boot camp in two weeks, let''s take some ''time off''."" ""Our parents will both disown us if we get married, let''s take some ''time off''.""

Conflicts within the relationship are almost never resolved through neglect or absence--they are resolved through communication and compromise.

Oh, and ""let''s still be friends"" means that she wants to have you around as a backup in case things go badly with the guy she''s really interested in.

Podunk speaks the truth. He speaks of the essential nature of the clever stage II monkeys that we are.

It should be noted that the person requesting the break may not even be admitting the real reason to himself or herself. We tend to dress our base desires up in glorified notions of ""needing some space to think."" Often, in our unconscious minds, needing space to think means, ""Needing to get my legs pinned to my shoulders by that guy in my philosophy class.""

P.S. I also believe that the breakee should consider the above in deciding whether to ""fight"" for the breakor. Oftentimes there is still genuine sympathy on the part of the breakor, which can lead to a disgusting mixture of half-hearted off again on again inadvertent relationship teasing, all while the breakor is routinely having her legs pinned to her shoulders by that guy in her philosophy class.

"DuckiDeva" wrote:

I''m not sure it''s possible for people to be ""friends"" once they''ve been partners. I mean, I''m capable of being in a room with some of my exes, and as a rule everyone would get out alive, but it''s not like I''m going to invite one to dinner at the house.

I disagree. My best friend is a woman whom I had a nearly 2 year relationship with. The fact that we started as only friends for several years probably is the reason why it was able to work out. Having said that, I would agree that it is unusual to be able to continue a normal friendship with somebody once you''ve had an emotional attachment and sex with them.

When somebody asks for a break, its generally a sign that the relationship will be ending. Certis is the exception, not the rule. As somebody else said, if you truly love her, fight for her. If you believe in love as you say you do, this shouldn''t be too hard to do. If it wasn''t meant to be, you can at least move on without regrets. If you guys run in the same circle of friends, that could be a huge problem.

Good luck man.

"SlyFrog" wrote:

P.S. I also believe that the breakee should consider the above in deciding whether to ""fight"" for the breakor. Oftentimes there is still genuine sympathy on the part of the breakor, which can lead to a disgusting mixture of half-hearted off again on again inadvertent relationship teasing, all while the breakor is routinely having her legs pinned to her shoulders by that guy in her philosophy class.

Wow, Sly, did we date the same girl?

I''ve had luck with ""I''m just not attracted to you anymore.""

"Podunk" wrote:
"SlyFrog" wrote:

P.S. I also believe that the breakee should consider the above in deciding whether to ""fight"" for the breakor. Oftentimes there is still genuine sympathy on the part of the breakor, which can lead to a disgusting mixture of half-hearted off again on again inadvertent relationship teasing, all while the breakor is routinely having her legs pinned to her shoulders by that guy in her philosophy class.

Wow, Sly, did we date the same girl? :lol:

I wouldn''t exactly call that dating.

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