Depression is ruining my life.

Maq wrote:
Mermaidpirate wrote:
DiscoDriveby wrote:

Okay, so I have someone considering a leave of absence due to depression who is coming to talk with me later this week. What could your boss have said to make it easier for you? Aside from plainly giving the information she needs about the leave/HR process and working out options with her, do you have any advice for ways I can make this a more positive conversation for her?

I would also be clear about how far the reason for her absence will be kept confidential, who has to be informed and who won't etc.

Also this. You should also ask her, however, if she's comfortable with anyone knowing. I've found it invaluable not to hide my condition from my colleagues. I laugh about it as often as possible so they know it's okay to laugh too.

Example: We were discussing some good company social activities and I mentioned we should try Artemis Bridge Simulator. Everyone looked it up and thought it was a great idea. One colleague said "See? We should make you the morale officer". To which I replied "Yes. Great idea. Make the Clinical Depressive the morale officer. I thought you had a masters degree".

Thanks all!

Since our situation is a bit unique (she's a grad student in my department and I'm their student services staff contact -- sadly I'm nobody's boss ) she'll know that she's protected by student confidentiality rules which is nice, but I can mention that I only have to notify the graduate school of her reasons -- not the other faculty in our department (her advisors already know). What's sad about that is that I have a lot of students receiving accommodations for depression and I'm not sure they know that one another are struggling, which would be nice (though of course I can't tell any of them that, just that they're not alone).

I imagine it would be really hard to make it well known because of the stigma attached, but as you say Maq perhaps helpful to be able to fully share (and joke about) that part of who you are.

Maq wrote:

I just want to remind myself of a few things cos I'm struggling today.

I'm getting better.

But it doesn't mean there isn't a struggle. Hang tight, keep at it, etc.

I always find the first steps to be the hardest, but sometimes keeping at things can be much tougher when it takes longer than we'd like.

Around 10 years of hard work now. Hard to notice on days like this that I've come that far.

Maq wrote:

Around 10 years of hard work now. Hard to notice on days like this that I've come that far.

Three/four years into my own enlightened battle (as opposed to un-enlightened self loathing and denial) and I can say you are one of my 'guiding lights' for inspiration, and what can be accomplished.

Add that as a very important (to me) plus one to this one in particular.

Maq wrote:

I used to feel there wasn't much point me being alive and that everyone would be better off without me. I don't feel that anymore.

I'm getting better.

Maq wrote:

I'm getting better.

There's the takeaway. Hang in there, chief. Rough days will pass. {{hugs}}

Maq wrote:

I'm getting better.

That's excellent. Glad to hear it. (((hugs)))

Kind of in a similar place myself lately, in that I have to remind myself that things are better than they were.

Maq wrote:

I just want to remind myself of a few things cos I'm struggling today.
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I'm getting better.

Awesome, inspirational post Maq. Thanks for sharing and hang in there. We're rooting for you!

clover wrote:

To me, depression is similar to alcoholism in the sense that you're never completely done with it... even when it's been years since you've gone there, it's still important to take care of yourself and keep up the mental housekeeping. Hungry Angry Lonely Tired, etc.

Had a weird bump in the road today. A simple response I posted in the self indulgent parent thread sent me on weird melancholic mental tangent, and I'm having trouble shrugging it off.

Surrounded by sunlight, but finding it hard not to see storm clouds. Oh well, I was due for a 'reality' check.

Ride it out, then get back on the 'happily distracted' train I guess.

I just want to remind myself of a few things cos I'm struggling today.

Things used to be really bad.

I would often have to walk out of work to sit behind the building to smoke a cigarette and cry. I don't do that anymore.

I would imbue the slightest thing on an internet forum with unbelievable import and go down a crazy rabbit-hole of second guessing, hatred and self-loathing. I don't do that anymore.

I used to assume that the way I felt was someone's fault: my boss, my colleagues, my friends, my wife. I'd take things out on them. I'd cut them out of my life like it would somehow cut the pain out of me. I don't do that anymore.

I used to look forward to nothing more in the day than to be tired enough to be able to go to sleep and be swallowed by unfeeling unconsciousness. I don't feel that anymore.

I used to feel there wasn't much point me being alive and that everyone would be better off without me. I don't feel that anymore.

I'm getting better.

m0nk3yboy wrote:
clover wrote:

To me, depression is similar to alcoholism in the sense that you're never completely done with it... even when it's been years since you've gone there, it's still important to take care of yourself and keep up the mental housekeeping. Hungry Angry Lonely Tired, etc.

Had a weird bump in the road today. A simple response I posted in the self indulgent parent thread sent me on weird melancholic mental tangent, and I'm having trouble shrugging it off.

I find it useful to take the time to backtrack my train of thought in those situations so I can short-circuit it next time. Therapy helped a lot with that.

I had a bump this week as well.
My depression starts as paranoia, self loathing and then gets really HULK angry.
Had a really busy and productive week at work. One of my colleagues doesn't like me. We are at parallel levels of seniority and have to work side by side on various contracts. Communications from her side are at best direct, at worst snide and snippy.
During this really heavy week, a snippy email of hers really cut me to the bone and I lost my rag. If I take it home with me then that's my night torpedoed.
It's so difficult because the depression makes me an easy target, and inside there's this glimmer of self worth that is screaming at me all the platitudes that I need to listen to, and follow to climb back out of the pit.
Thanks to Maq and m0nk3yboy for sharing. It helps to recognise again that this is a condition. It does get better. I have to keep fighting.

Maq wrote:
m0nk3yboy wrote:
clover wrote:

To me, depression is similar to alcoholism in the sense that you're never completely done with it... even when it's been years since you've gone there, it's still important to take care of yourself and keep up the mental housekeeping. Hungry Angry Lonely Tired, etc.

Had a weird bump in the road today. A simple response I posted in the self indulgent parent thread sent me on weird melancholic mental tangent, and I'm having trouble shrugging it off.

I find it useful to take the time to backtrack my train of thought in those situations so I can short-circuit it next time. Therapy helped a lot with that.

Tiredness I think was the root cause of the destabilisation, but also the realization that one day my children will be old enough to leave me, and right now, given that they are so much of my life, I was overcome with feelings of loss, abandonment, and fear.

Three of the Four Brain Weasel Riders of my own personal Depressionpocalypse...

pinkdino99 wrote:

It's so difficult because the depression makes me an easy target, and inside there's this glimmer of self worth that is screaming at me all the platitudes that I need to listen to, and follow to climb back out of the pit.

A good voice to listen too, and you're lucky to have it, for sure.

pinkdino99 wrote:

It helps to recognise again that this is a condition. It does get better. I have to keep fighting.

We've got your back, if you need it.

MechaSlinky wrote:

I also went to see a therapist who spent the entire time lecturing me.

Anyway, point is my girlfriend found this pretty funny comic/story that I think a lot of us can relate to.

Part 1: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca...
Part 2: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca...

Awesome posts/comics.

I had a shrink who lectured me. Shrink=psychiatrist=the guy who prescribes drugs. They aren't always the best therapists.

He asked what I did after coming home from the job I hated. I said I played World of Warcraft for 3-4 hours. (Cue necessary explanation of WoW.) He says, "Widdeo games are a children's t'ing." (Dark H.P. thought: "Hey, I'm not the guy with a shrine to an elephant in his office.") He suggests using that time to work a part-time job instead. (Dark H.P.: "I already have a full-time job—that's why I need to come to you.")

Shrink can frankly suck your balls. Useless. Find someone else.

Agreed. Find someone else.

Or he can stick to drug peddling and leave the therapy to the therapist.

Today has been the worst day in about 30 years and that is saying something. My youngest daughter had a son about 8 months ago. Her boyfriend is literally the definition of the word bum. He has never held a regular job more than a week. Regardless, I have loved my grandson. Monday, my daughter calls me at 7:00 in the morning and announces they are getting married Friday (today). Of course I question what is the hurry, etc. She knows my position on him as we have had many discussions. If having a son doesn't wake up the integrity and responsibility in you, nothing will. He just wants to smoke weed, play video games all night and sleep all day. He lives with her and my ex-wife of course. Long ago I let them know they could not ask for money from me since they were willing to have a perfectly able-bodied young man not contributing anything at all. About 2 weeks ago, she asked for money for groceries, I invited her and the baby over for dinner. But no money changed hands. I will not support this kid and his smoking habit (he smokes both regular cigarettes like a chimney and weed which she admits to.)

Anyway, she was looking for nothing less than a blanket acceptance from me as far as the wedding goes. I could not give it. She said if I didn't not only approve, but apologize to him, then I was not invited to the wedding and my grandson would be a whole lot older the next time I saw him.I told her I could not sacrifice what I know is right and in her best interest because of my love for her as my daughter, even if it were at great cost to me. She walked out.

True to her word, the ceremony was today. She has vowed to never talk to me again I have heard from my other older daughter. My youngest is incredibly stubborn and holds a grudge a very long time. I believe she means her words.

When my girls were younger, I used to dream about their wedding days and walking them down the aisles. I prayed for the young men that would steal their hearts. I knew it would be a happy day as well as a sad day. I never fathomed this kind of total heartbreak. The sun is shining outside, but I would swear it was pouring down rain. I just want to take my pain meds, crawl into bed all weekend and pull the covers over my head.

f*ck me

That's rough man. I hope I never have to go through that with my kids, but the fact that she's blackmailing you with her love and your grandkid, I don't see what else you can really do. Pretty sh*tty of her, really.

Well that is unfortunate. No common ground can be found? Remember there is a difference between lazy and evil. You don't have to sleep with the guy. Sounds like this guy makes your daughter happy, maybe you can focus on that. Maybe instead of saying your guy wont amount to anything say your guy could be doing much much more if he applied himself more. If your daughter is as unreasonable as you make her sound they will be broken up sooner or later. Swallow some pride and wait for things to work themselves out for your daughter and grandchild sake. Or are things so far gone that isn't possible?

What I read in your post is that you invited your daughter and grandchild over for dinner but not the husband. You said he is basically a lazy bum that doesn't do anything. That doesn't sound bad enough to not invite him over with your daughter and creating ill will. Does he hit her, does he steal crap, does he have anger management problems? If he doesn't she could be doing far far worse than a lazy bum.

I'm not saying she is right and you are wrong, it is just that your chosen coarse doesn't seem to have gain you anything. Even if she breaks up with the guy it doesn't sound like she is the type to say "Dad you were right all along". She might even blame you for the added stress.

Well whatever you do I hope it works out.

H.P.: I agree with the others - that shrink ain't worth your time and money. And to tell you the truth, I don't trust psychiatrists with the sorts of things I will tell my therapist.

Coolbeans: I'm really sorry. I think that your refusal to give your daughter any money under the current circumstances is very reasonable, frankly. From what you've said, why should you apologize? She's also hurting the child with this manipulation.

Here's something I saw by Andrew Solomon, who wrote The Noonday Demon:

I don’t think love can cure someone’s depression, but I think that it helps give people the sense that if they can only get better, there is something of value on the other side of suffering. The sense of being loved is very central and very crucial to recovery, and so is the experience of loving others.

The people who are resilient are often those who know they are well-loved. Such people have more to lean on than do people who are more socially isolated.

So this is why I'm glad this thread is here.

Hear, hear.

There was a time in my life when I had no reason to live for myself. I only stopped myself from doing the unthinkable because I felt the obligation to live for people who loved me. It was the harder thing to do, but it was right, so that's what I did. In my mind, I thought that it wouldn't be fair to subject them to all that suffering just because I hated life.

Jeez Coolbeans, so sorry to hear about that. I'm not a parent and my advice isn't worth much but I think you did the right thing. I hope your kid comes around soon.

Parallax Abstraction wrote:

Jeez Coolbeans, so sorry to hear about that. I'm not a parent and my advice isn't worth much but I think you did the right thing. I hope your kid comes around soon. :(

+1

*Edited for accuracy because I can't help myself

Big hugs Coolbeans. I can't begin to imagine how that feels.

Respect for standing by what you think is best for your daughter and grandchild, even if it hurts this much.

Maq wrote:

Respect for standing by what you think is best for your daughter and grandchild, even if it hurts this much.

That is a really hard road you're on. I wish you all the strength you need. Given my recent trigger being so closely tied to the future of me and my own daughters, I can't offer much more than a +1 without feeling my own grip starting to slip.

(((((((hugs)))))))

Coolbeans, total respect for you for standing by your guns.
I'd imagine it would have been heartbreaking, if not doubly so, to see your daughter and her fiancée take you for a fool and have you finance his life of leisure.
Make sure to keep up the hope, and efforts for the restitution of your relationship.
Deep down there will always be regret on her side that her stubbornness forced your hand. Love is felt, and even though there is anger now, you will always be her parent.
I can't imagine much wedding bliss if he can't even get off the sofa.
I hope you can find the strength to fight through this difficult time.

Part of trying to bring balance to my existence with brain weasels is finding motivation to do things. A meaning or purpose in life. I don't think I've had one that I can apply to my whole life, but I have found little goals here and there in my life to get me through pieces and sections or months or years at a time. I have been getting more and more into practical pistol shooting competition over the last few years but this past few months has seen me diving feet first into it and I think I've found my next opening in the clouds to keep the brain weasels away.

Next year in March (my birthday!), the 2015 IDPA World Championship will be in near my hometown in Caguas, PR. I want to be there to not only represent my new home of Seattle and Washington, but to be able to compete with my fellow Boricuas. 300 of the best shooters from over 50 nations around the world will be in my home competing for massive prize table. I want to be there. To go back home, to put closure to a bad part of my life when I was living there, to represent my new home who has taken such good care of me, and to be with others like me which I really miss because of the demographics here. Christ, I already feel emotional about it.

I can't tell you how long it's been since I've felt I have a purpose besides being a wage slave and capitalist drone. So I know what I am going to do for the next year. It's good enough to cry for.

Edwin wrote:

So I know what I am going to do for the next year. It's good enough to cry for.

Amen to that! Nice one Edwin!

I have a question for the group, as I'm conflicted by the answers.

I have a form to fill out for the Department of Health, regarding my youngest, now in Kindy.

There are two forms, one mandatory (eye sight checks, hearing, growth development, the usual), then another, purely voluntary.

The voluntary one is to try and capture a snapshot of the child's home environment. "If you choose to provide this information, it will enable the Community Health Nurse to understand more about the issues that can potentially affect your child's health and well being"

The question that I am stumbling over is this...

In the last twelve months, has your child been affected by any of the following events

One of the items listed is "serious illness of parent(s) (including mental illness)"

Now, how serious is serious? I know my wife will say 'don't write anything', but I'm torn between 'was my clinical depression serious to be considered serious (no need for hospitalization, or officially sanctioned suicide prevention)' and 'if you say nothing, then you are part of the stigmatizing of the condition brigade'. Be loud, be proud...

I am sure my moodiness and quick temper has affected both my kids. It can't be helped, I'm only human. But, and I don't know why, but there is a 'but' in there somewhere.

I don't care if people's perception of me is altered, I really don't, I just don't want my health issues to be on a Governmental Registry as a black mark for them.

It would be so much easier if I had a missing leg or something equally as visible.

Oh well. Back to the form.

I'd be very hesitant to put that info on a form, unless the info is meant to be anonymous.

I would say don't say anything, but I'm inherently suspicious of government. Anger is human. Everyone gets angry. The thing children need to learn from you is how to grow and deal with it. If they're your kids, they might have inherited the short fuse, so who better to teach them how to deal with it than someone who also has a short fuse?

The only real catch there is you have to learn how to deal with it while they're watching you. Tough gig.