Random thought: one of my design clients does voice training and wants me to feature it more prominently as I put together her new materials.
Ok, so gender confusion is confusing. Duh.
I'm doubting that my case is simply being on the wrong side of the binary. Without getting too graphic... uh, one day I'll want a particular set of parts, and the next I'll want the other.
I know for a fact that the gender expectations put on men in this culture stress me out. I can't live up to them and I don't want to. Some of it is stupid stuff, like for the longest time I was super conscious about how I stood because a random girl in high school gym class gave me sh*t for standing with my weight on one foot, rather than legs spread and evenly weighted because the latter is more masculine. Or why I've kept my hair "masculine" because some random dude (also in high school) at a time when I kept my hair long, and well conditioned came up to me in the lunch room and asked me if I was a guy or a girl. Or keeping my nails really short because my ex wife (of all people) said something really transphobic (I forget the details) to me when I had happened not to have trimmed my nails in a while.
And honestly, while I feel like the "I want to be not a dude" or at least "I can't live up to the expectations of dudedom and don't want to" feelings are kind of always there just under the surface, the "I think I want to be a woman" feelings only seem to come up -- in recent memory anyway -- in times of intense stress. I don't know if that means that the stress has cracked open my defenses and my real feelings are exposed, or if they come up as a way to escape the stress. That's part of why I hesitated to post earlier: because I really don't know. I wish shape changing tech existed so I could just change when I wanted to, without it being a big deal.
In any case, I think I'm going to try on the label Genderqueer for size for a while. Which is really just a way of saying I need to learn to be comfortable with myself, and stop worrying about other people's labels for me. I want to experiment with clothing and hairstyles and such and find what works for me, regardless of whether it fits into the binary. Maybe this is a step towards trans, maybe not, but I think it's what I need to do for now, while I think about the rest.
Ok, so gender confusion is confusing. Duh.
I'm doubting that my case is simply being on the wrong side of the binary. Without getting too graphic... uh, one day I'll want a particular set of parts, and the next I'll want the other.
I know for a fact that the gender expectations put on men in this culture stress me out. I can't live up to them and I don't want to. Some of it is stupid stuff, like for the longest time I was super conscious about how I stood because a random girl in high school gym class gave me sh*t for standing with my weight on one foot, rather than legs spread and evenly weighted because the latter is more masculine. Or why I've kept my hair "masculine" because some random dude (also in high school) at a time when I kept my hair long, and well conditioned came up to me in the lunch room and asked me if I was a guy or a girl. Or keeping my nails really short because my ex wife (of all people) said something really transphobic (I forget the details) to me when I had happened not to have trimmed my nails in a while.
And honestly, while I feel like the "I want to be not a dude" or at least "I can't live up to the expectations of dudedom and don't want to" feelings are kind of always there just under the surface, the "I think I want to be a woman" feelings only seem to come up -- in recent memory anyway -- in times of intense stress. I don't know if that means that the stress has cracked open my defenses and my real feelings are exposed, or if they come up as a way to escape the stress. That's part of why I hesitated to post earlier: because I really don't know. I wish shape changing tech existed so I could just change when I wanted to, without it being a big deal.
In any case, I think I'm going to try on the label Genderqueer for size for a while. Which is really just a way of saying I need to learn to be comfortable with myself, and stop worrying about other people's labels for me. I want to experiment with clothing and hairstyles and such and find what works for me, regardless of whether it fits into the binary. Maybe this is a step towards trans, maybe not, but I think it's what I need to do for now, while I think about the rest.
Reading about your open exploration of yourself here is making me a bit giddy - I'm excited for you, I'm so happy that you're looking forward and just trying to find out about yourself. To hell with fitting perfectly into some little box that makes other people feel better about you!
Everything here is positive - even not knowing, and knowing that you don't know, seems like a step forward to me.
Anyway, just wanted to squee over this as a show of total support and encouragement.
Reading about your open exploration of yourself here is making me a bit giddy - I'm excited for you, I'm so happy that you're looking forward and just trying to find out about yourself. To hell with fitting perfectly into some little box that makes other people feel better about you!
Everything here is positive - even not knowing, and knowing that you don't know, seems like a step forward to me.
Anyway, just wanted to squee over this as a show of total support and encouragement. :D
Thanks!:D I know that actually changing my perspective so I'm not always thinking about that box will be a lot of work. Old habits are hard to break, especially if they are the result of 3 decade of trying to be someone you're not. Simply being mindful of the box will help though, and I'm hoping that coming out will help me stay that way.
Reading about your open exploration of yourself here is making me a bit giddy - I'm excited for you, I'm so happy that you're looking forward and just trying to find out about yourself. To hell with fitting perfectly into some little box that makes other people feel better about you!
Everything here is positive - even not knowing, and knowing that you don't know, seems like a step forward to me.
Anyway, just wanted to squee over this as a show of total support and encouragement. :D
+1!
I had to look up Gender Fluid vs Gender Queer. It appears, based on at least one site, that GF is a subset of GQ, which makes sense. GF is where I feel I fit right now. I fluctuate.
I mentioned that stress brings these feelings out. They are not pushing constantly at my thoughts now, and that may be because I feel free of my relationship, or because I've started allowing myself to express "girly" in some ways.
I've stopped worrying so much about how I stand, and I bought myself a plushie to sleep with. Last night I went out for a drink and hot wings alone. I had on my leather jacket, and I felt strong and masculine, but I came home and snuggled into a pillow nest with my plushie for bed.
I've stopped worrying so much about how I stand, and I bought myself a plushie to sleep with. Last night I went out for a drink and hot wings alone. I had on my leather jacket, and I felt strong and masculine, but I came home and snuggled into a pillow nest with my plushie for bed.
There's something deeply empowering about this paragraph. I hope we can all eff the haters and be who we are with pride and confidence. (And respect for others. Sorry, Hitler.)
That's putting it mildly. This is clearly a case in which the children's best interest was definitely not upheld. I'm just seething right now.
I disagree with the article, though, I actually think it is discriminatory for the grandparents to be hateful to their son-in-law. But obviously, yes, they're right, the courts have no right to rule in their favor. It's just wrong. Especially when you know how many very, very bad parents there are out there. Just makes me so angry, especially since I've seen the fallout of this in the ER.
On a happier note, I've been lurking a while, and just wanted to echo Mimble's "squee over this as a show of total support and encouragement" towards GardenNinja. It can't be easy, but you're moving forward, right?
Last week, a court removed the twins from their home and gave custody to the grandparents.
Wait... WHAT?! WHAT THE FLYING F*CK?!
Without any demonstrable harm to the children... they just took them away from their parents and gave them to their grandparents (who I'd be willing to bet being older, are going to have something of a harder time handling the two concurrent terrible-two's)?!
*brain ragequits*
As usual, some of the comments are infuriating, too. #18 bugged me for a number of reasons.
Time for reality check. Whensomeone makes the decision to transitiona woman goes outside, the chance oflosing employmentbeing raped should always be taken into account.
I say Yay to Hypatian, for teaching me awesome things this year.
I say Yay to Hypatian, for teaching me awesome things this year. :D
Hyp, Hyp, Hooray!
Demosthenes wrote:I say Yay to Hypatian, for teaching me awesome things this year. :D
Hyp, Hyp, Hooray!
Indeed! Thanks, Hyp - I've learned a lot from reading your posts here and the articles you've linked to.
+1 I'm definitely not the most knowledgeable out there, but I'm willing to learn and you've offered great opportunities for that, opportunities which I would have have been unable to take advantage of otherwise.
Unlurking to jump on the positivity train. A big (belated) hi5 to Hyp, Clocky, Garden and all the trans* GWJers. Thanks for helping us understand; I hope we can make the lives of trans* people better because of it.
Going to make a post. It will re-hash some things I said in here before.
As I continue my regimen of injecting testosterone as part of testosterone replacement therapy, one would think that I would feel more like a male. With all this testosterone surging through a person, one should feel like a male. But I don't. The more I take, the more I want to be a woman. Half of my thoughts throughout the day just seem to go towards this vision I have of myself as a girl. I imagine myself in all these scenarios. I have long, curly red hair with delicate features. I would dance, do ballet, and all these feminine things that I would love to do. I wouldn't be constantly trying to measure up to this male standard I cannot possibly reach. I would be able to become what I should have been all along. It is unfortunate because I do not work too well as a male. I did TRT because I thought it would let me become something I am not. If I couldn't be a woman, I could at least be a masculine man. Which might sound strange for someone that would have liked to have transitioned, but if you can't do the one thing you want, then you might as well try to do the thing you can as well as possible. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but it is what I have got. I can pass as a male even if I feel like a fraud. If I transitioned, I feel like I would be stuck in some kind of gender purgatory where I am neither male nor female and acceptable to no one, least of all myself. If I had known about transitioning when I was younger and had understood more about myself, it could have been a really strong possibility.
That's my rant, though. Take it for what you will if you happen to read it, good gamers with jobs. If you are transgendered and thinking about TRT and all that crap to cope with being a male, take it from me: don't do it. You won't be any happier. You'll just feel even further alienated.
Hey Zane,
I'm sorry that you're going through this - it's hard to come to terms with something you want to be that involved such a drastic change to who you appear to be. I don't want to tell you what to do, since I'm not in your situation and not sure if you're looking for advice or just wanted to vent.
Feel free to send me a PM if you want to commiserate.
Thanks for the replies.
I'm extremely hesitant, but I want to make this happen. I can't stand this person I've become. Heh...at least once I stop the TRT, I will have practically no testosterone to worry about.
ZaneRockfist, I'm going to be honest and say that there have been a couple of times when I've been confused and saddened by the way you've acted. I'm airing that out here because your honesty has helped me understand. Thanks for that.
Trying to be anyone other than yourself is no way to live your life, in my opinion. I'm glad to see you making the effort to get rid of the garbage and expectations which have had you at their mercy for so long, and uncovering the real person who has been buried underneath all that. Everyone deserves to pursue, know, and be their own genuine self. No one here could possibly lead you to where you belong, but what you've had to say tells me you're on the path.
I feel like I would be stuck in some kind of gender purgatory
From experience, that may not be something you need to have any fear of.
I can't stand this person I've become.
I look forward to the day you post that you finally love who you are.
Everything else feels like it was stated more eloquently by Hypatian.
There are seven billion of us, having experiences all across the spectrum of gender and expression and, honestly, everything else too. You're not as alone as you might fear. You are worthy of being yourself and being happy.
Thanks, good people. Appreciate all the kind words even though I have usually been very short on them in my time here with others.
I'm looking up online gender therapists because there aren't really any resources around here for that sort of stuff. Also, I really hate having to commute to places because I am lazy . If I make this happen, it is going to be weird handling work. It is a very physical, male-dominated field being that it is construction. And this is in an area that is filled with very religious, very provincial people. I'll have to pretend that I am sick as I go off TRT. Those people would kill a trans person.
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