Dealing with Divorce Catch-All

Gaming is still going to be my main hobby. And I suspect I will be doing a fair bit of it this weekend/next week while I'm off once I'm moved in. But I am looking at some other things. I kind of want to get back into making comic strips... will require buying some supplies, but would be fun. I don't know that I would try to put them online like I did in high school, but I might make some game related ones and post them here.

If you are looking into making comic strips, why not let me be your [Not so] Secret Santa this year. Throw your shopping list my way (art supplies, or digitizer pad) via PM. Seriously.

We will forward to Demos's comic strips thread. You are on the hook now, man.

SallyNasty wrote:

On a serious note, exercise and health are going to be better solace right now than booze and video games.

On the exact same serious note, I think there's a good place for large quantities of all 4 in the post-divorce-recovery-routine.

Jonman wrote:
SallyNasty wrote:

On a serious note, exercise and health are going to be better solace right now than booze and video games.

On the exact same serious note, I think there's a good place for large quantities of all 4 in the post-divorce-recovery-routine.

All things in moderation, even moderation.

Dude, I'm sorry to hear about this. One of my friends here in Cincy is in a very similar situation, having just moved back in with his mother a couple of months ago after an attempt at reconciliation with his wife fell apart. It's definitely rough, but hang in there.

PM me if there's anything I can do to help, even if it's just grabbing a beer and letting you vent.

I'm sorry, Demos. No advice here that hasn't been said already, just another PM/gaming buddy if you need one.

It concerns me you've not mentioned anything about finding a lawyer yet. I would again encourage you in the strongest way possible to seek the advice of a lawyer before moving out of the house. You might consider it her house since it's been in her family, but if you leave that house and the furnace dies tomorrow, then you are on the hook for half that furnace. And if you move out of the house, your ex may be able to keep you out of it - so anything you leave will be hers, at least for a while.

Protect yourself! Ask your friends for a lawyer recommendation and find a lawyer as quickly as possible.

I would just say, to mirror cheeba, you need to protect yourself. In Missouri I know that property is shared, regardless of where it came from. You might be entitled to more than you think/liable for less. Keep it cool, be a gentleman, but don't get taken advantage of in your vulnerable state.

So sorry Demo, that's one of the sh*ttiest situations I could possibly imagine, except for kids being involved. I've never had to go through it, but getting a lawyer definitely sounds like sensible advice.

Just know that we're all rooting for you, mate.

It seems that everybody around me is either getting separated and divorced. It breaks my heart and I have nothing but the deepest sympathies for you, amigo. One of my best friends is just going through this now so when I saw the thread I came to look for things I could do that might help him get through it a bit better.

Cheers and blessings on you and your road, good friend. We'll toast one to you tonight.

Benticore

Well this is day 2. Ohio has dissolution procedures in place. We have to be separated for at least 30 days to go to court to have it approved by a judge. She requested ghose papers... but my mom knows an attorney she hired for my jncle during his divorce about 2 years ago now. I'll definitely have him on hand to review the papers and such before I sign anything.

This was literally last night that this whole process started. So yeah... not much has happened as of yet. I have made sure I have a place to live. But yeah... things are progressing. Next week will be hard. But... by the end of the day Monday, I will have my half of the savings money I didn't know we had. I will be back with my mom... where she is equal parts horrified, shocked, and, I think, a little excited to take care of her son.

And honestly, with her gone to her birthday party... I have cried like 3 times over the course of writing this post. I just... I have to get out of this house... once I have done that... then I can deal with everything.

Thank you all so much for all your support. I really do appreciate it.

As to some of the offers, Gorilla that is way too nice. I will think about that. I hadn't really thought about what I need... but I will think that through. As to all the offers to talk... I actually don't know how to Skype lol. But I suspect I will be on IRC when I get to my Mom's house Monday afternoon.

NSMike bought me Skyrim on Steam, that makes him super awesome.

It mightbhave gotten all kinds of dusty here.

All I can say is that it's going to be a long, miserable, rough ride for a while Demos. Nothing makes it better. Just don't get wrapped up in using anything to escape for too long. And don't try to force yourself into dating again too soon. I did both of those things and they messed me up again.

Everyone's different, but yeah... what you're going through? It's one of those really damn hard things to drag yourself through and come out the other side whole again. But you can do it.

I agree with everyone else that keeping yourself busy is good. When I went through my divorce a few years back, I spent a lot of time focusing on work as it was extremely busy then. In hindsight I'm not sure it was the best decision but it helped me get through it.

It might sound silly but my cats made a big difference. I had to care for them, and the simple mundane routine of feeding them, cleaning the litter, etc. gave me something to focus on. I found forcing myself into regular routines was important, otherwise it would've been easy to fall into unhealthy routines. Exercise, work, caring for pets, home projects... those are good excuses to keep yourself focused on a schedule. I stayed in the house and my wife left, so I had a week where I couldn't bring myself to sleep on the bed in the bedroom, I slept on the couch downstairs. But the simple routine of dealing with pets kept me focused no matter how little sleep I got that night.

While it's extremely difficult, I would highly encourage you to look at this as a positive experience for yourself. While my ex initiated the actual events that resulted in our divorce, we were both responsible for us getting to that point and I think that's not uncommon. Once everything started my goal was to come out of the divorce a better person than I was going into it. Therapy can certainly help with that and I encourage you to seek out help, but also just talking with good friends and focusing my spare thoughts on positives instead of negatives was really crucial for me. I worked hard to identify my own weaknesses and failures as a husband so I could avoid those going forward.

Good news is that I recently got engaged to an amazing woman and I'm looking forward to a long, happy life together with her. Who knows if that'll be the end result but I can tell going into this relationship that it feels much different and much better than the first time around. As much as my divorce was painful, it helped me grow and mature into the person I am today, and I think I'm a better person than I was before.

So I guess what I'm saying is that as much as it sucks, not only will you be able to come out the other side okay, you can come out a better person no matter what the situation was going into it. But you have to take that initiative because nobody is going to do it for you

Got a little gift waiting for you on Steam to go along with Skyrim, so look for a friend request from me so I can deliver it.

Let me reiterate the advice to retain a lawyer, sooner rather than later. The comment about not knowing about savings is terrifying (as a lawyer). You need full disclosure on all financial issues and an expert legal opinion before you even think about getting divorced. Once the divorce is done, it's done.

Also, don't hire any lawyer that says you only need one lawyer to handle the divorce. Get one that is going to represent you. If your wife doesn't want to get one, that's up to her, but you need one. I've seen too many people get screwed thinking that a lawyer that was representing their spouse would explain things or protect them.

It may take longer, and it may cost more, but it's worth it. What's the hurry? You aren't going to get re-married anytime soon, so protect yourself. Forget about what your wife wants. This is what you need.

Simpilot, done! Gotta love the Steam app.

The savings account was for our house taxes, basically. As noted, the house is really her grandmother's. We went to the bank today and got a full record of the account. As the taxes are for a period I lived in the house, those went untouched. I actually got a call from my mother's attorney (she actually used him for my uncle's recent divorce as well, and got him off light on alimony for her completely initiating the divorce), and he informed me of a digital format for our dissolution which would speed up the process so that I can become un-liable for her, her debts, etc... pretty quickly... and shouldn't (without alimony or kids or such) even require a court date. Just some notorized forms. He also used a bigger term for un-liable... while I can't even remember the correct negative suffix for that. But, I will be bring them to him before anything is signed for review, just to be on the safe side.

It would seem, thanks to some relatively good packing by me that I will be out of this house by tomorrow. Gotta wake up early to get my Christmas ornaments, throw the rest of my clothes into a trashbag or two, then take most of my stuff to my mom's before we get a uhaul and get the bigger stuff.

Real estate taxes are usually pre-paid, so if they aren't paid yet then they aren't for a time period you have lived in the house.

TheCounselor wrote:

Real estate taxes are usually pre-paid, so if they aren't paid yet then they aren't for a time period you have lived in the house.

Are they? Hmmm... I assumed they were like income taxes. Either way, the time for those to be paid is approaching, and I have no interest in creating a possible back taxes scenario for me to potentially be dragged into (nor any desire for her to be in that situation, truth be told)... and as noted, while it may mot be in my own best interest financially, I have no interest in screwing her or her grandmother financially and residentially... heh, the lawyer was a tad offput by that. Was a good chuckle for me.

Finding humor in small things again. That seems like a decent sign of some emotional progress.

Is it weird that I almost immediately wasn't able to cry in front of her when she told me? I cried with my mom on the phone telling me I was still loved and the best husband she had seen. I cried with her grandmother. I cried with the damn dogs (that I am definitely gonna miss, but know I couldn't take with me). I cried with some not-that-close friends at work. Her? Not so much.

Demosthenes wrote:
TheCounselor wrote:

Real estate taxes are usually pre-paid, so if they aren't paid yet then they aren't for a time period you have lived in the house.

Are they? Hmmm... I assumed they were like income taxes. Either way, the time for those to be paid is approaching, and I have no interest in creating a possible back taxes scenario for me to potentially be dragged into (nor any desire for her to be in that situation, truth be told)... and as noted, while it may mot be in my own best interest financially, I have no interest in screwing her or her grandmother financially and residentially... heh, the lawyer was a tad offput by that. Was a good chuckle for me.

It has nothing to do with screwing her. It has everything to do with protecting yourself.

I don't understand why you're in such a hurry. This is less than a week old. You'll always remember the day your marriage ended, but that date has no relation to the date you are legally divorced. You should do what you need to do to mentally move on, and let the process play out.

Financial disclosure is crucial. You both have to list assets and debts, then compare them. Joint credit cards and loans need to be discussed and resolved. If there are problems, even those neither of you knew about, it will be much better if you recognize and confront them now. You don't want to be turned down for a house in five years because she owes $5,000.00 on a joint credit card you forgot about because it was always "her" card. You also don't want a call from her about some financial issue down the road. You don't seem interested in it, and I'll bow out at this point, but I am strongly urging you to slow the legal process down. It's not going to matter if the divorce isn't finalized for six to eight months. But skipping that process is a mistake.

Sucks to hear this is happening and things are well under way.
As said here before, if it seems there is nothing to be saved, then get it over with quickly.
Especially before things turn ugly.
Concerning the soul/spirit/emotions and what not...it is going to be rough(er). sh*t
like Christmas will hit you like a ton of bricks. So there are ways out, gaming for the daily
'I don't want to think about this sh*t right now', and for long term....well, make plans.
Things you want to do, and never got to it etc. After a while you will be able to look
around a bit as well to see what other women are out there. And there are plenty
of them and am sure there is one you will like and have a great future with.

Really sucks to hear about this. My friend went through this about 2 years ago. I think one thing that helped was just keeping busy. Thankfully my wife was pretty understanding with me spending the evening with him for the next several days in a row or so.

Good luck and of course let me know if you want to play some games or something to take up some time.

Moving out today so I wil be going incommunicado for a while. I'll check in when I am home and at least somewhat unpacked.

Demosthenes wrote:
TheCounselor wrote:

Real estate taxes are usually pre-paid, so if they aren't paid yet then they aren't for a time period you have lived in the house.

Are they? Hmmm... I assumed they were like income taxes. Either way, the time for those to be paid is approaching, and I have no interest in creating a possible back taxes scenario for me to potentially be dragged into (nor any desire for her to be in that situation, truth be told)... and as noted, while it may mot be in my own best interest financially, I have no interest in screwing her or her grandmother financially and residentially... heh, the lawyer was a tad offput by that. Was a good chuckle for me.

If the house is not paid off, they (taxes) might be in a personal account rather than held in escrow by the mortgage company. Real estate property taxes are one of those things that are either super simple or weird and complex, so make sure you understand how they were being calculated/paid before moving on. If there is a tax part to the mortgage payment, then Counselor is right, those funds are for something else. If the house is paid off, then it could be anything, including the taxes.

Demosthenes wrote:

Simpilot, done! Gotta love the Steam app.

The savings account was for our house taxes, basically. As noted, the house is really her grandmother's. We went to the bank today and got a full record of the account. As the taxes are for a period I lived in the house, those went untouched. I actually got a call from my mother's attorney (she actually used him for my uncle's recent divorce as well, and got him off light on alimony for her completely initiating the divorce), and he informed me of a digital format for our dissolution which would speed up the process so that I can become un-liable for her, her debts, etc... pretty quickly... and shouldn't (without alimony or kids or such) even require a court date. Just some notorized forms. He also used a bigger term for un-liable... while I can't even remember the correct negative suffix for that. But, I will be bring them to him before anything is signed for review, just to be on the safe side.

It's important to understand that forms/decrees like this are for you to divest yourself from responsibility for things that have only her name on it. State community property laws get dark and twisty, and when you're married there's a non-zero chance any particular thing your spouse owned just in their name can become something you're responsible for, too. When it comes to actual joint financial responsibility, though (joint credit cards, car loans with both names, so on) things get a little worse. The divorce decree can state who becomes responsible for what liability, but the original loan application/documents stand. Even if the court decrees (for pure example) your wife is responsible for a car payment in both of your names, if she doesn't pay, you both suffer - collectors can still come for you, it can still hurt your credit.

If you guys have debts with both your names on them, make sure your divorce attorney takes the time to explain your possible options of getting your name off them very slowly, clearly, and carefully. In amicable splits, this is probably the biggest place stuff gets adversarial quickly.

I'm so sorry, this totally sucks. I don't know how long you two were together, but I've heard the grieving period lasts twice as long as the relationship, so expect it to take a while. Finding someone to talk to is a great idea.

And now to move on to the second stage of grief... a relationship is a collaborative effort and relies on communication to be successful. It's never automatically easy and perfect forever. If she wasn't happy it was her responsibility to tell you. And to work towards fixing things. If instead she's just going to give you some lame excuse and walk away from it... f*ck her. Honestly. That kind of behavior is ridiculous.

Also, regardless of how you feel about her or anything else right now, as others have said, get a lawyer immediately. If nothing else, they'll help you keep on track and make good decisions regarding the practical aspects of the split, which is hard to do when you're grieving. No fault break ups are pretty straightforward. Take care of it quickly and move on.

TheCounselor wrote:

Real estate taxes are usually pre-paid, so if they aren't paid yet then they aren't for a time period you have lived in the house.

You need to check this; in every state I've worked with (Iowa, South Dakota, North Dakota, Minnesota, Illinois) real estate taxes are always "in arrears" - meaning the assessment and tax bill lags behind by 1 year. Since it doesn't sound like there was a lender taking extra each month with the loan payment for the escrow account, it would be my expectation that there would be taxes yet to be assessed for the time period where you lived in the home.

Iowa, as an example, runs July 1 to June 30. The assessments (bills) come out in August for the fiscal year that ended June 30. The 2 installments are then due Sept 1 and March 1, and delinquent 30 days after each due date. So, the tax bill I just got in August 2013 was for the tax period from July 1, 2012 to June 30, 2013. I have made the 1st installment payment, so my next installment is due March 1, 2014 and will be delinquent if not paid by April 1, 2014.

If I was to sell my house today, I would be responsible for that 2nd installment PLUS a pro-rata portion of the taxes, computed using July 1, 2013 to November 10, 2013 (total # of days) / 365 * [most recent assessment]. We use the most recent assessment because current fiscal year is not complete and the assessment for that fiscal year won't be sent out until August of 2014.

But this is Iowa - I don't know how Ohio does it.

so - TALK WITH YOUR LAWYER.

TheCounselor wrote:

Real estate taxes are usually pre-paid, so if they aren't paid yet then they aren't for a time period you have lived in the house.

It depends. Typically, property tax payments are bundled into the mortgage payment, but it doesn't have to be that way. My property tax payments, for example, are paid separately, twice a year. At the time I thought it would work out a bit better that way because it gave me a chance to earn interest on the savings. It's possible this varies from state to state though.

TheCounselor wrote:

Financial disclosure is crucial. You both have to list assets and debts, then compare them. Joint credit cards and loans need to be discussed and resolved. If there are problems, even those neither of you knew about, it will be much better if you recognize and confront them now. You don't want to be turned down for a house in five years because she owes $5,000.00 on a joint credit card you forgot about because it was always "her" card.

This. It was a different situation, but after my wife divorced her ex he deliberately screwed with finances to try and hurt her. He charged up joint cards, changed the billing address, and then didn't pay them, etc. I know this is an amicable split and so this sort of thing isn't likely, but my wife ended up on the verge of bankruptcy because of it and it took her years to sort out. Do yourself a favor and get professional representation to sort this out, and aim for an even split. Don't let her walk away with everything just because you want to be done with it already. You'll likely regret it later.

Didn't even realise this was going down when I PM'd you, just caught a few comments in Pheonix Rev's thread and wanted to reach out.

It all makes sense now.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

I'm so sorry, Demos. There is so much advice in here, and I have no personal experience to draw upon, so I just wish you the best in this.

((hugs))

I'm kindof coming to the culmination of a similar situation, but from the other end and over more than the last year. Young kids complicate the issue. I'm not really prepared to talk about my experience, but I'd like to wish you the best of luck with the difficulties ahead.

I liked Gazebo's point about coming out of the process a better person than when you went in. I hope that you can find that road out of the wood.

So, I discovered a weird thing to miss... and it's kind of got me a little down now for the day.

Texting with her throughout the day. I've been surrounded by people all day, but I feel kind of lonely now. My breaks were somewhat monotonous bleh periods today outside smoking with no one to talk to because I'm used to texting her, seeing how she's doing, etc... and getting responses back and such.

Seems like a little thing, but it feels like a huge thing right now.

That, and sex. Yeah, I really don't like going back into a life of chastity. That blows.