Fellow Child-free folk - Let's Chat: Do you feel it is risky being "out" these days?

It's coincidental that this thread got bumped; I had spent a few hours yesterday researching long-term sperm storage methods and costs ($500- $1000 a year, plus fees for initial tests and consultations, plus IVF costs if you'd like to use them), and the success rates of vasectomy reversals (80-90% within 3 years, dropping steadily thereafter; a $5000 procedure), among other things.

I'll be 29 soon, and I was thinking about my future. I find my current lack of control over something that could irrevocably change the course of my entire life a bit disturbing. Sure, there are the usual methods, but everything is a bit of a gamble.

There is also direct harvest then IVF. You still make sperm, it just never gets delivered. The cost of a reversal is also nuts. The doctor discussed that with my wife and I at the consult.

The bottom line is that getting a vasectomy with eyes on reversing it later is not a prudent choice. It is not so much a form of birth control as a cessation of the reproductive process. And frankly, until you are in a committed relationship, even with a vasectomy, you damn well better be using condoms until you and your partner are tested and shown STI free.

It is a great procedure for people who never want kids (me and my wife) or people done having kids-my friend Jon said he will likely get one after the second kid.

We actually have a couple vasectomy threads floating about the Everything Else area.

http://www.gamerswithjobs.com/node/1...

http://www.gamerswithjobs.com/node/4...

To reiterate, I am very happy to have gotten mine; I have known I had no interest in fatherhood since my teenage years. I met a woman who was of a similar mindset, and not long after our wedding, I was under the knife.

My wife and went from being a child-less couple to having an 8 y/o child almost overnight (go adoption). Being a parent is both painful and rewarding. Hopefully, in the long run and if you are lucky, it will be more rewarding than painful. But I wouldn't change a thing (well, nothing that winning the lottery couldn't fix).

But my wife and I really miss free time.

This was definitely more of a "exploratory research" than something I was looking to act on. I was disappointed though to learn of the expense and complex procedures required to leave a future option open. I know I do not want a child now, or for the foreseeable future, but "foreseeable" only extends out 3 to 5 years in my mind.
If I were to be purely rational, in the economic sense, my best course of action would be continued use of short-term preventative measures, with an abortion as an insurance policy should luck turn against me. This is a bit distasteful to me, and I feel like I'm running right into the "selfish" stereotype that childless folks deal with.

KingGorilla wrote:

IMAGE(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7432505088/hA92E9EEE/)

I am realizing that parents, and Prius/BMW owners seem to be cut of a similar cloth.

Maybe it's just my experience, I've seen far more parents who don't want to draw attention to their kids then ones who demand you pay attention to their little darlings.

jdzappa wrote:
KingGorilla wrote:

IMAGE(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7432505088/hA92E9EEE/)

I am realizing that parents, and Prius/BMW owners seem to be cut of a similar cloth.

Maybe it's just my experience, I've seen far more parents who don't want to draw attention to their kids then ones who demand you pay attention to their little darlings.

My experience is that Canadians are much more polite than that.

I find that grandparents are actually the worst culprits of that kind of behavior.

I don't hate pregnant women (or think they are smug), I just find this song funny.

I'm having a hard time juxtaposing my love and respect for all of my pregnant and recently pregnant friends with the fact that that video is 100% SPOT ON.

My wife and I are getting kind of sick that after people find out we have been married a few months, the next question is about when we will start having kids?

Do I tell my loving wife, that from now on I will just say, we are not going to have kids and I received a vasectomy? Or do I just start springing that on folks?

It is a good 50/50 split on whom knows about my surgery and whom my wife fibs to.

And I already vented this. But I genuinely find it appalling the number of women I have met in law school who will graduate, not enter practice, get married and have kids, maybe enter into practice 10 years on. Hidden text, while my Husband pays off my student loans.

KingGorilla wrote:

My wife and I are getting kind of sick that after people find out we have been married a few months, the next question is about when we will start having kids?

Do I tell my loving wife, that from now on I will just say, we are not going to have kids and I received a vasectomy? Or do I just start springing that on folks?

It is a good 50/50 split on whom knows about my surgery and whom my wife fibs to.

Been married 7 years, we have a few methods of dealing with this.

1) Wife looks down, holds my hand tightly. I whisper "God did not bless her with a fertile womb."
2) I clench my jaw and flare my nostrils. Wife says "Seth vowed to raise children like his grandfather: black eyed and silent."
3) "we're actually first cousins."

None of these are true, and the reactions are hilarious.

KingGorilla wrote:

But I genuinely find it appalling the number of women I have met in law school who will graduate, not enter practice, get married and have kids, maybe enter into practice 10 years on. Hidden text, while my Husband pays off my student loans.

Why would you find that appalling?

KingGorilla wrote:

Do I tell my loving wife, that from now on I will just say, we are not going to have kids and I received a vasectomy? Or do I just start springing that on folks?

Tell them you saw how terrible/disappointing their kids turned out and that turned you off having kids. Plus they turned into tremendous bores after they squeezed out kids and you'd prefer not to do the same.

CheezePavilion wrote:
KingGorilla wrote:

But I genuinely find it appalling the number of women I have met in law school who will graduate, not enter practice, get married and have kids, maybe enter into practice 10 years on. Hidden text, while my Husband pays off my student loans.

Why would you find that appalling?

I think it is degrading to the profession to treat it as a back up hobby. And I think it demeans women and reinforces prejudices that young women will not be dependable in the work force while they are building families. I also know plenty of young women who have stated that they will not have kids until they are secure in their career, or they will balance out children with work-but they did not work hard and pay a ton of money to take time off. I spent most of my time at law school part time, at night, and there were plenty of mothers and fathers who waited until after they had kids to go back as well.

It is also a particular ignorance to think you can put a 10 year gap in career history expecting to just pick up with a job.

Seth wrote:
KingGorilla wrote:

My wife and I are getting kind of sick that after people find out we have been married a few months, the next question is about when we will start having kids?

Do I tell my loving wife, that from now on I will just say, we are not going to have kids and I received a vasectomy? Or do I just start springing that on folks?

It is a good 50/50 split on whom knows about my surgery and whom my wife fibs to.

Been married 7 years, we have a few methods of dealing with this.

1) Wife looks down, holds my hand tightly. I whisper "God did not bless her with a fertile womb."
2) I clench my jaw and flare my nostrils. Wife says "Seth vowed to raise children like his grandfather: black eyed and silent."
3) "we're actually first cousins."

None of these are true, and the reactions are hilarious.

"We can't have kids because my wife used to be a man."

Quintin_Stone wrote:
Seth wrote:
KingGorilla wrote:

My wife and I are getting kind of sick that after people find out we have been married a few months, the next question is about when we will start having kids?

Do I tell my loving wife, that from now on I will just say, we are not going to have kids and I received a vasectomy? Or do I just start springing that on folks?

It is a good 50/50 split on whom knows about my surgery and whom my wife fibs to.

Been married 7 years, we have a few methods of dealing with this.

1) Wife looks down, holds my hand tightly. I whisper "God did not bless her with a fertile womb."
2) I clench my jaw and flare my nostrils. Wife says "Seth vowed to raise children like his grandfather: black eyed and silent."
3) "we're actually first cousins."

None of these are true, and the reactions are hilarious.

"We can't have kids because my wife used to be a man."

or "I used to be a woman."

Those are pretty hilarious reasons to offer. My girlfriend and I should try that at some point.

One of the first conversations my girlfriend and I had when we started dating was whether or not we wanted kids. We met online and there were multiple other women I dated where that wasn't brought up early and though we were connecting otherwise, things went sour immediately when we found out that I didn't want kids and she did. Neither of us are particularly fond of children and our general way of operating is "We don't want kids, maybe that will change but if it doesn't, that's fine." I've been trying to rebuild my career after running a failed business and she just killed herself in school for years to become a Chartered Accountant. She's seeing a number of people she went to school with who just got their letters and are at the prime of starting their careers and many of them are stalling that to have kids. They're in their mid-20s and she can't understand why they're doing it that early and also why they would go through this schooling Hell, only to let their skills get stale so they can have kids right away. She's said she wants to be firmly entrenched in her career before the idea of kids is even broached and she's want the same, even if having kids was a definite part of her life plan. There's the additional little "wrinkle" that there's a 9 year age gap between my girlfriend and (I'm 34, she's 25), meaning that if she wanted to wait until her mid-30s, I'd be in my 40s then which makes things a little weirder.

I have to admit though, things are starting to feel weird for us. A lot of our friends either have new kids or are proclaiming rather loudly that they want them as soon as possible and as people who not only don't want kids but don't particularly care for them (though damn if Stylez's kid isn't the happiest, more adorable baby I've ever seen, for reals), this is a bit of an odd position to be in. My girlfriend and I are fairly introverted people and in truth, a lot of our time is spent at home doing our own things which we're fine with. But when a lot of people you know are big into having kids, it does cause us to I guess worry a bit. We don't resent these people or their choices (and thankfully, we haven't been subject to a lot of disdain for our choice either) but it does bum us out a bit to know that our choice will result in probably spending less time with a lot of people as their priorities shift.

KingGorilla wrote:
CheezePavilion wrote:
KingGorilla wrote:

But I genuinely find it appalling the number of women I have met in law school who will graduate, not enter practice, get married and have kids, maybe enter into practice 10 years on. Hidden text, while my Husband pays off my student loans.

Why would you find that appalling?

I think it is degrading to the profession to treat it as a back up hobby.

On the other hand it's kind of presumptuous to assume they're treating it as a hobby as opposed to what they want to do with their lives after their done being mothers.

And I think it demeans women and reinforces prejudices that young women will not be dependable in the work force while they are building families. I also know plenty of young women who have stated that they will not have kids until they are secure in their career, or they will balance out children with work-but they did not work hard and pay a ton of money to take time off. I spent most of my time at law school part time, at night, and there were plenty of mothers and fathers who waited until after they had kids to go back as well.

No, I don't think it demeans them, and once you get into making major life choices like this around other people's prejudices, I think we're into 'blaming the victim' territory.

It is also a particular ignorance to think you can put a 10 year gap in career history expecting to just pick up with a job.

Well, then that's their loss. And actually, the legal profession's gain: we've got a massive glut of law school graduates as it is. We could use some 'deadheading' until the market for lawyers picks up.

Nevin73 wrote:
Quintin_Stone wrote:
Seth wrote:
KingGorilla wrote:

My wife and I are getting kind of sick that after people find out we have been married a few months, the next question is about when we will start having kids?

Do I tell my loving wife, that from now on I will just say, we are not going to have kids and I received a vasectomy? Or do I just start springing that on folks?

It is a good 50/50 split on whom knows about my surgery and whom my wife fibs to.

Been married 7 years, we have a few methods of dealing with this.

1) Wife looks down, holds my hand tightly. I whisper "God did not bless her with a fertile womb."
2) I clench my jaw and flare my nostrils. Wife says "Seth vowed to raise children like his grandfather: black eyed and silent."
3) "we're actually first cousins."

None of these are true, and the reactions are hilarious.

"We can't have kids because my wife used to be a man."

or "I used to be a woman."

I just love when co-workers are coo'ing about what their kids did this weekend - like run around the yard naked and piss on [my coworker's] leg when he went to drag the kid back inside.

Then I just reply with "cool - yet another reason to not have children and love my cats even more." I don't think any of my cats have ever pissed on my leg...

http://www.penny-arcade.com/2013/06/24

I'm just going to leave this here. Then walk away slowly.

Eh. No different from any other life changing event that really does not change people-cancer, car accidents, etc.

I never really felt like Heavy Rain was ham handed in the father-son relationship.

I'm confused. What relevance does that article have here?

Dadsplaining?

That's an accurate way to put it, I guess, but I don't think this particular instance is all that egregious. It would be if his claim was that only parents could possibly have any understanding to that kind of emotional connection.

Sounds to me like one of those backhanded compliments, where because he's a dad he's not as capable of being as 'sophisticated' as he once was.

CheezePavilion wrote:

Sounds to me like one of those backhanded compliments, where because he's a dad he's not as capable of being as 'sophisticated' as he once was.

Ya. He's now far deeper and has more reflexive protective instincts than he ever could have possessed before.

It's easy when you're young and want to sound awesome to say kids in stories are cheap and manipulative, before you realize stories are all about manipulation.

clover wrote:
CheezePavilion wrote:

Sounds to me like one of those backhanded compliments, where because he's a dad he's not as capable of being as 'sophisticated' as he once was.

Ya. He's now far deeper and has more reflexive protective instincts than he ever could have possessed before.

We are talking about the "dickwolves" guy, right?

edosan wrote:
clover wrote:
CheezePavilion wrote:

Sounds to me like one of those backhanded compliments, where because he's a dad he's not as capable of being as 'sophisticated' as he once was.

Ya. He's now far deeper and has more reflexive protective instincts than he ever could have possessed before.

We are talking about the "dickwolves" guy, right?

I need a "droll" emoji, I guess.

Wembley wrote:

I'm confused. What relevance does that article have here?

Apparently a father saying that some games these days have more of an impact on him because his fatherhood has provided developers an additional button to push is somehow saying bad things about childless couples.