My Aunt Died and I Don't Know How To Feel

Back in the Fall we found out my Aunt had cancer. She was the youngest of six. I didn't really follow on what was going on with her, but for some reason, as cynical as I am about other people, my natural reaction to these sorts of issues is "That sucks, but things will turn out alright".

Last week the doctors tried their final treatment and failed. They sent my Aunt home with nothing more to do for her. She was deteriorating. The doctors said she had two weeks left, so I still went to PAX East. We were going to visit her this Saturday.

It should be noted that things still didn't seem real to me. I wanted to be sad, angry, frustrated, and yet I couldn't be. Well, sort of. I was sad, but not distraught. Yet I was quickly distracted, be it by work, PAX or other things. It's like it didn't feel real, or somehow I still felt as if things might turn out okay. When I tried to pray, I couldn't find the words. How do you pray when someone is about to die? That God miraculously heal them? That's not how it works. Or maybe I don't have the appropriate faith to "walk on water", so to speak, and make it happen. So instead I prayed that her husband and sons be prepared for the worst.

Some time at work today I wondered what I'd do if she died before I got to see her. Well, she did. She died today, and yet when I heard the news...well, I don't know what I felt. I wasn't surprised. The best way to describe my thoughts was that I felt inconvenienced that I couldn't see her one last time.

Everyone is upset. At least, everyone is showing it more than I am. I don't really know how to show it. It's like it never happened, or as if it happened to some character in a story. Maybe it just needs time to sink in, I don't know. All I can think is how much I cried when I found out the neighbor's dog died when I was a kid, yet felt the same when my grandfather died not too long after. I wasn't even 10 when he died. I used to chalk it up to being a kid and that I just didn't understand (yet I cried when a damn dog died!), and yet now...

I loved and still love my Aunt. I was her ring bearer at her wedding. I remember visiting her house when she lived in Jersey, and her dog Tipper. I remember when she had just had her first son, and she'd let me over once in a while to help watch the baby. I remember coming back from College and finding her to be one of the few people I could talk to without feeling patronized (and truthfully, nothing changed after I graduated).

So why don't I feel distraught? Why don't I feel angry? I'm more upset that I don't feel angry or something. I'm not apathetic, but...this isn't a healthy reaction, is it?

I didn't know where else to write this, or speak it. I can't speak to my mom because she'll just tell my Dad, and I don't want to bother him about this. His youngest sister just died, after all. Maybe my sister, but she's upset too. My brother is overly dramatic about everything, so I am not at all surprised at how he's taking it.

I love my Aunt. I believe she is in Heaven, learning all the answers to questions we never asked, witnessing the dinosaurs and how they died, learning the creation of the universe and getting to know my God. But I should still be angry about this, at the very least for her husband and sons, shouldn't I?

You're in shock. Just let it be. You will feel what you will feel. If anyone has the temerity to imply that you should be feeling worse, knee them in the balls.

Whatever reaction that comes naturally is the healthy one, in my opinion. Grieving happens in its own time and in its own way for everyone.

If there's any advice I can give, it would be this: Try to be more accepting of yourself and your feelings, whatever they are. Since your own feelings aren't something you have a need to focus on, you can consider this time as a gift when you can be there for the people around you who need someone. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of overanalyzing yourself and turning inward at a time when you're able to turn outward and make a big difference.

LarryC speaks the truth. It may hit you all at once. When my grandfather died, it was a week and a day before my brain dealt with the concept that he'll never talk to me again. 12:30 at night watching Farscape and suddenly I'm crying like a child. Be there for your loved ones and help out as best you can is my only advice.

So why don't I feel distraught? Why don't I feel angry? I'm more upset that I don't feel angry or something. I'm not apathetic, but...this isn't a healthy reaction, is it?

What good reason is there to be angry? You sound like someone that has faith, and while we can really never know exactly how we should pray in leading up to these situations, you will react differently than others when things that are beyond your control happen.

I've been in this situation before, and while you may wonder why you aren't cursing at the heavens, seeing your family members struggle gives you the chance to be strong for them.

I love my aunts, uncles, all my non-immediate family, but they aren't my siblings or my parents, and for those that don't have the calmness that you do right now - just support them.

Hope that helps, and I will do my best to keep your family in my prayers.

Good catch, Grenn. If you're this numb right now, ccesarano, it suggests that you're going to crash pretty bad. Might want to stay with some relatives or have friends over for a few weeks.

No. You should be however you need to be. Right now, that's in a kind of numb state. Over time, other things will come, and you'll have to be patient with yourself when those things happen, too.

Just be careful with yourself and others when that happens. I remember when my Gramma died. I was an adult. We'd been taking care of her for four months. I was still in a state much like yours until we got to the funeral.

Right before it started, the pastor had a big prayer circle for the family, and we were all standing there oh so solemnly when my Grampa got a call on his cell. An extremely old friend of my Grammas (long in friendship and age) called and wanted him to send my uncle to pick her up. Problem is she'd forgotten in her own senile dementia that my uncle had lost his sight several years ago. So my Grampa (who was very slow from getting a crane dropped on his head at work the year before) was trying to explain to her in his very thick Texas drawl that this wasn't possible. All we hear, "Verna, he caint. No, he caint. Verna. He's blind!" I don't know why but we all broke up. I remember thinking very clearly that she would have thought it was funny as all heck and mourning again I couldn't share it with her.

After the funeral, it wasn't funny. I don't remember who it was, but somewhere around the 20th time hearing "she's in a better place now" I just snapped. I didn't care that she wasn't hurting anymore. It didn't matter to me if she was in Heaven or Nervana, or Gehenna or One With the All. She wasn't HERE. And she wasn't going to be here for the conceivable future. My ex saw my face and yanked me out of there before I said something unforgivable. I wish I could say that still, even 20 years later, doesn't make me angry enough to cry. But it does.

Short term answer is to talk to us, rather than your family, if you think it's going to hurt or upset them. They're all going to be feeling their own things and they will all change over time too.

Grenn wrote:

LarryC speaks the truth. It may hit you all at once. ... Be there for your loved ones and help out as best you can is my only advice.

A million times this. Grieving is a process that hits everyone differently. Just open yourself to your own feelings, and be okay with whatever hits, even if it doesn't hit for some time. And don't let anyone tell you any different. Until it hits you, continue to do all you can for those around you who need your support.

You're going to feel just whatever you need to feel at the time: anger, sadness, numbness, depression. Remember that grief hits you in different ways with different people. It's never the same, and yes, it's always hard.

Keep in mind that the feelings of grief you'll have just show how strong an influence your Aunt was in your live. That sting you feel means you had someone in your life you cared very much for. Don't forget that. Do you best to remember the good times.

So much good advice so far. All I can add is that I've had similar reactions to relatives and loved ones passing.

LarryC wrote:

You're in shock. Just let it be. You will feel what you will feel. If anyone has the temerity to imply that you should be feeling worse, knee them in the balls.

+1

Can't really predict it. I think it's a little harder to draw out the really powerful emotions when the outcome was basically known and could be acclimated to.

My grandmother contracted Hepatitis C from an open heart surgery in the 70's. Didn't find out for decades. She lingered for a long time, getting progressively worse. When the call came -- not much really. There was no surprise, just a little sadness that she was gone, and a little happiness that she wasn't miserable anymore.

That was like 15 years ago, and I don't think I've ever had any sort of grand emotional experience about it. I spent a lot of time with that woman growing up. I still feel like I ought to be more bothered by it.

So, again.

LarryC wrote:

You will feel what you will feel.

LouZiffer wrote:

Whatever reaction that comes naturally is the healthy one, in my opinion. Grieving happens in its own time and in its own way for everyone.

If there's any advice I can give, it would be this: Try to be more accepting of yourself and your feelings, whatever they are. Since your own feelings aren't something you have a need to focus on, you can consider this time as a gift when you can be there for the people around you who need someone. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of overanalyzing yourself and turning inward at a time when you're able to turn outward and make a big difference.

This is pure-fried-gold advice.

What LarryC said. We all have different ways of dealing with grief, and this is yours.

As for the faith thing? I think you're fine on that end. There's no need to be angry about it; I'd actually recommend being happy for her, given that she's no longer in pain, or having to deal with everything that she was enduring. As for not knowing what to pray for, my advice there would be to pray for her husband and her children.

Thoughts and prayers with you and yours.

My niece died suddenly 18 months ago. Last week would have been her 3rd birthday, and it's still incredibly hard to deal with. I carry her picture in my wallet, and always will. I was numb for two days when we got the news, and stayed that way until we got to my brother-in-law's place (he's truly like a brother to me), and he ran up to me and collapsed into my arms and begun sobbing. That was the point my numbness broke, and we basically collapsed in heaving sobs for a while.

Numb is normal. It's how you're coping. Right now, it's probably "too big" for you to handle the reality of it, and reality will hit at some point, and then you'll feel it all and cope however you will. What you're going through is normal.

And momgamer, I know what you mean; some of my bitterest memories of that week are of my in-laws just not being able to handle the situation. During the visitation, my father-in-law and his wife sat in the back and talked to old friends (they'd moved away years ago), and my dingbat mother-in-law (who is a dingbat for many reasons unrelated to this) said verbatim "I can't handle this" and more or less disappeared for the week. We didn't want my brother-in-law and his wife to have to stand alone in the receiving line, so my wife and I stood with them, and small-town Iowa sweet little old lady after small-town Iowa sweet little old lady came up to my emotionally devastated family and told them how the death of their daughter meant "she was in a better place" and it was "all a part of God's plan", and I have never in my whole life felt so angry and frustrated at strangers. I know there's really nothing to say and it's said with good intentions, but it didn't help at the time.

Go to your family, and don't worry about upsetting your dad; he lost a sister, you lost an aunt. You need each other, and him being able to comfort you will help him. You need to go through it together.

You're not obliged to feel anything about anyone. If you feel something, you do. If you don't, you don't. Things will resolve themselves.

LouZiffer wrote:

Whatever reaction that comes naturally is the healthy one, in my opinion. Grieving happens in its own time and in its own way for everyone.

Just wanted to reiterate this.

Sorry for your loss.

When my grandfather died, I retreated to the funeral home bathroom after the service and tried to force myself to cry because everyone else was crying, so that must be the right thing to do. I spent most of the reception feeling guilty for not grieving enough. Many years and several funerals later, I've come to realize that I just don't cry much at funerals. My grieving process tends to be more introspective and spread out over a longer period of time. I don't collapse and bawl my eyes out, I just take a little time here and there over the following weeks to realize that the person who died is gone, and remember all the good times we shared together. Everyone reacts to death in their own way.

Everyone grieves in their own way and different deaths affect us in different ways. What muttonchop says pretty much resonates for me too. Personally I tend to feel quite numbed by the whole process, neither anger nor tears come. When my mother died a couple of years ago I cried a lot right then but an hour later my eyes were dry and I don't think I cried after, but my grief played out in quieter moments; sometimes turning over memories and other times turning over how I felt about the process and my reaction.

ccesarano wrote:

Everyone is upset. At least, everyone is showing it more than I am. I don't really know how to show it. It's like it never happened, or as if it happened to some character in a story. Maybe it just needs time to sink in, I don't know. All I can think is how much I cried when I found out the neighbor's dog died when I was a kid, yet felt the same when my grandfather died not too long after. I wasn't even 10 when he died. I used to chalk it up to being a kid and that I just didn't understand (yet I cried when a damn dog died!), and yet now...

You know, I cried more when my cat died in 2001 than I did when my grandmother died the following year. The cat was living with me and died very suddenly so the impact was quite a sharp shock. On the otherhand my grandmother had been ill for quite some time (cancer too) but when she passed she was very unwell and we'd all had a long time to prepare and make some peace with it; deeply sad as it was it just didn't pack that same "shock". My take home has always been that we shouldn't sweat our different reactions that happen at different times in our lives. That said if you are finding your own reaction to death a bit of a concern then go and talk to a grief counselor, they can be really good.

Have you considered talking to a priest about this? Your post makes me think that religion is a part of your life. I don't know how close you are to your parish priest (assuming your religion is catholic, apologies if not) but he might be able to talk o you, get you to accep that what you are feeling is, for you, perfectly normal.

When my great uncle died, I didn't feel much sorrow. He and his sister had been living together for years, because they used to take care of their double-amputee brother (WWII). The only moment when I truly felt sorrow was actually for his sister, when they handed her the flag from his casket.

You will likely grieve for her family, especially when you see them and how they are suffering. It may help you realize what you have lost, or it may not. Grief, for myself, has never been a straightforward emotion that manifests in the way I expect it. It usually comes when I see it in others. Other times, I find it hard to grieve at all, because the person I've lost did not go unexpectedly or early. You will find where your grief stands eventually. Don't go looking for it. It will find you. Then you can face it.

Thank you guys. I'm theorizing that I might be a combination of that numbness with, well, it just doesn't hit me the same.

My old man was just in here. I gave him a hug, he gave me the basic details, and... well, we didn't really say much. I have a feeling maybe he and I express our feelings similarly in regards to a lot of things. It would make sense.

What is really upsetting me is my grandmom and eldest Aunt are evidently trying to point the blame at her husband, as if he didn't do enough. My sister wants to point the blame at my grandmom for preparing some concoction that evidently blocks stuff like Vitamin C. I don't want people to be looking for scapegoats. That's just selfish and disrespectful.

My mind keeps going back to a few small details, a few small memories. I really do wish I had more time with her, but that's to be expected. It's such a shame to see her go.

But to say "God has a plan" is ridiculous. My other grandmom, on my mother's side, thinks maybe this is God trying to bring my Dad's family back together. They've basically been at civil war since his parents got divorced...fifteen years ago? Maybe my family really does need something like this to pull us together. When I think of my Aunt, I think of the one person from my Dad's family that didn't have the same stubborn pride issues the rest of us had.

I can't help but feel that the best of 'em is now gone.

Remember, everyone else is grieving too, and they will do it in their own way. Their way may be upsetting to you, but try not to take it personal. Your feelings are your own, and they are valid.

Life is full of things that we can't comprehend. For many of us, faith dictates that it's part of what God had intended for us or them. It may or may not sit well, but to them, it's likely a source of great comfort and I'm sure that's how they intended it.

I felt the same way when my grandfather passed away. It felt like an event, an occurrence. I do think about him often, but the emotional breakdown never came.

Ah, f'ing cancer.

It's unfortunate that it brings some of your family to conflict. Don't feel bad about feeling numb; the older you get (well, the more you encounter death, at least) the better understanding you'll have for how you grieve, and it'll be easier to accept your reaction. Don't feel guilty or that you're "not doing it right." That numbness can be a positive thing, too. It can give you the calm to be comforting, to direct your focus on sharing your love and support with your family.

Be present, loving, kind. Try not to get angry at the people who are lashing out and being childish, they're just being emotional.

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Take care.

ccesarano wrote:

What is really upsetting me is my grandmom and eldest Aunt are evidently trying to point the blame at her husband, as if he didn't do enough. My sister wants to point the blame at my grandmom for preparing some concoction that evidently blocks stuff like Vitamin C. I don't want people to be looking for scapegoats. That's just selfish and disrespectful.

I wouldn't sweat this too much right now, likelihood is that their grief has a lot of anger and they're just flailing around looking for someone/somewhere to vent it. Sure, taking it out on one another probably isn't the healthiest of things but they'll likely come round to a more sensible POV when the initial impact of grief wears off. That said, if they are still being obnoxious to one another about these things 8 months from now you might want to give them a prod towards some grief counseling.

My father died at home after many years of a combination of illnesses. The last three months he was in a coma with only rare waking moments and lots of suffering. When it finally happened sometime after midnight one night, after the initial mini-panic, there was nothing. When the police came and the coroner, I had a laugh with the cop - something I felt incredibly guilty about. Later, I helped the coroner carry him out. Afterwards, I shed a very few tears in bed - not for my own loss, but for his suffering. I was glad that it was finally over for him. It had been clear for half a year that nothing could be done anymore.
At the visitations, nothing. At the church service, I got a little choked up, but nothing more. When they put him in the ground, I choked back a momentary bout of tears, but that was it. The real breakdown never seemed to come - and here's the important part - just like the joke with the cop, I felt incredible guilt about this for years. I thought something was wrong with me. Did I not love him? Why couldn't I express the grief?

My mom tried to tell me that it could come at any time, even two years later (this had happened to her once). I had trouble believing her.

Just over two years later I was watching the movie Big Fish for the first time, and the similarities were in many ways uncanny - son visiting terminally ill father and had a French wife (I was in conversations multiple times a week with a French friend I had known for years. The pace of conversations had picked up significantly recently, and in conjunction with everything else in the movie, I wondered if this was a sign. It took a while to not pan out). The movie was made in Montgomery, AL where we lived when my father was dying, and was being filmed AT THE SAME TIME. In fact, the college scenes took place at a college about 1km away from the house I was living in when I watched the film. Many more elements of the film were also eerily similar, so when the final scene came of the son carrying the body....I finally totally lost it.

As everyone has said, no two people experience grief the same way. Let it come as it comes and don't feel bad if you don't seem to be feeling the way you're expected to feel. Sometimes, especially for people like me - who repress their emotions so regularly that they're often not even aware they're doing it anymore - the avalanche of feeling needs a strong trigger. In my case it was a film, for others it's getting a specific meal on a certain tablecloth, for others it's something completely different. If it never comes, it can mean that you've successfully processed it before the 'trigger' arrived.

Just never let yourself think that maybe you didn't love the person because you didn't feel/express the appropriate amount of grief. You already know how you felt about the person, and to blame yourself for not being "normal" (which doesn't exist anyway) - is a path to guilt and self-loathing, as I learned.

When my dad died, I don't remember crying until the funeral. That's when the finality of it all really hit me.

My dad was in a nursing home for mental issues, so he was in good health. I got a call one day in the morning that he fell out of bed and I should come to the hospital quick.

By the time I got there... my mom told me he just passed away.

Thinking back, it truly was when I we were bringing the coffin out of the church and they were singing one of his favorite songs that I started crying for real....

LarryC wrote:

You're in shock. Just let it be. You will feel what you will feel. If anyone has the temerity to imply that you should be feeling worse, knee them in the balls.

This is good advice. You should feel how you feel. If you aren't sure how you feel yet then that's fine too. You have enough to deal with without worrying about whether or not you're grieving correctly.

LobsterMobster wrote:
LarryC wrote:

You're in shock. Just let it be. You will feel what you will feel. If anyone has the temerity to imply that you should be feeling worse, knee them in the balls.

This is good advice. You should feel how you feel. If you aren't sure how you feel yet then that's fine too. You have enough to deal with without worrying about whether or not you're grieving correctly.

Also, ball-kneeing is a valid part of the grieving process.

Very sorry for your loss ccesarano. Sending good thoughts to you and your family.

Some very good insights and advice in this thread. Heed it and make sure you take time for yourself to respond to the event in your own way. Don't worry about what others say or think, but make sure you're there for the rest of your family if they need it. We're all here if you need people to talk to

muttonchop wrote:

Many years and several funerals later, I've come to realize that I just don't cry much at funerals. My grieving process tends to be more introspective and spread out over a longer period of time. I don't collapse and bawl my eyes out, I just take a little time here and there over the following weeks to realize that the person who died is gone, and remember all the good times we shared together. Everyone reacts to death in their own way.

I think this is how I usually respond to most funerals. Like PRG013, I usually cry at the end once it finally hits me but I'm not usually the one openly weeping through the whole ordeal.

NSMike wrote:

Don't go looking for it. It will find you. Then you can face it.

This so very much. I bawled my eyes out at the end of Big Fish when I watched it the for the first time last year because it brought back a lot of pent up grief over a double-whammy of my mom and grandmother dying nearly 5 years ago. I remember crying a bit at the end of their funerals and then soldiering on with life while my siblings had harder times coping with the losses. You will be very surprised at what triggers the grieving and when it comes, just roll with it.

Also, don't go out and watch Big Fish.

EDIT: Tannhausered by Aus? O_o