Van Helsing
Wednesday, May 5th, 2004 - 10:51am
Anyone actually going to shell out some cash and go see this on opening weekend?
I saw a TV ad promo for it last night. You know trouble is afoot when the marketing people can't even find reviews saying anything good about it. Where most movie promos spout off a list of choice "greatest movie evar" type quotes, this ad had only one or two items along the lines of "It's got monsters! Yay!" It was too funny.
And as much as Hugh Jackman ranks as sexiest hunk of man meat on the planet in my book (except for Sanjuro, of course), I'm not sure I have the guts and/or fortitude to subject myself to what looks to be an unprecedented assault on the senses.
Edit: cuz I apparently can't spell worth crap.
Ending has already been ruined for me. Stupid online games and people spouting off, then confirmed by my friend.
Also heard that it is smellier than goat cheese.
Sorry Hugh, we''ll just have to meet somewhere else, under better conditions.
This post sponsored by cheese.
Yeah, I think I''m out on this one. Frist time I saw the trailer I thought, ""Cool!"", but as I''ve seen it 1000 times since, the movie looks cheesy.
SPOILER:
This is what passes for the plot, as far as I can gather.
""Mystery man goes to romania, finds and beds hot local chick, they fight some monsters together, meet dracula,
dracula turns out to be the mystery man''s father/brother/cousin/bestfriend from school/whatever, and the big final fight scene orgy where both the hot chick and dracula dies.""
Que sequel.
Hey, haven''t I already seen this once this year? Hmmm, let me think.....ah, yes, HELLBOY!
I am all over this just so I can see modern depictions of some cool characters. My fiance is wanting to see it because of Hugh. We both win.
Xbox Live: Kooter06
I think I''ll just end up renting the last samurai this weekend
I have heard from many that it comes out this week and is good 
WOW: Bounce
Samurai is good but not as great as I was hoping. Definite rent though!
Xbox Live: Kooter06
During the first screening of the final cut a guy stood up and yelled ""This movie sucks nuts."" Then everybody else in the theater laughed.
http://movies.hsx.com/news/punt/
"All that time you waste dating and having sex could be better spent scouring the web for new game developer press releases." - Quintin_Stone
I think both mummy movies were fun and definitely felt I got my money''s worth. This should be the perfect movie for a weekend matinee.
Xbox Live: Kooter06
All the reviews I read of Van Helsing said that doing a home tracheotomy with a toenail clipper was more entertaining.
Morrolan wrote:
http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=17487
A positive review.
Some bad language so no youngins please...
I don't think I've ever said this sentence before, but man would I love to hump that butterfly.-- KrazyTaco
One phone call and you're melting like butter over my kettle pop. -- Edwin to Mex
2005 GWJFFL2 Champion
I''m starting to worry about you sanj. Do many of these?
There''s never actually been a bad review of a movie on aintitcool...
Reagan understood that the key to peace was never arms control. Security had nothing to do with the number of weapons, it had everything to do with the intention and power of those who possessed them. - Charles Krauthammer
Oh I disagree, they are all bad reviews. Whether or not they were postive on what they were reviewing, that''s a different story.
"Men like sex, thus boobies! Oogaba!" - dejanzie
"If ads put your sanity to the test
come on down to Rat Boy's nest!
light up a stogie, and soon you'll see
how rock can be commercial-free!
'I'd hit it!'" - HP Lovesauce
Really? oops...
I don't think I've ever said this sentence before, but man would I love to hump that butterfly.-- KrazyTaco
One phone call and you're melting like butter over my kettle pop. -- Edwin to Mex
2005 GWJFFL2 Champion
Where is that ultra-disturbing picture of Harry Knowles on his knees when you need it?
Xbox Live: hubbinsd
If you listen to the commentary on either Mummy flick, you will probably get the impression that Stephen Summers in damned cool. So I''ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Plus Hugh. Plus the guy who played ""Beni"" in the Mummy. And the guy who played the Duke in Moulin Rouge.
Okay so mostly plus all the monsters and weapons and stuff.
I find the older I get, the more I want popcorn movies, and not ""films"". Which is odd.
You gotta work with the tools you got.
Morrolan wrote:
San is way too classy to gloat about this comment but if I were him I''d be using it as my sig. In fact...
Certis beat me to it. - Elysium
And yet somehow the medical boards keep renewing his license.
"Men like sex, thus boobies! Oogaba!" - dejanzie
"If ads put your sanity to the test
come on down to Rat Boy's nest!
light up a stogie, and soon you'll see
how rock can be commercial-free!
'I'd hit it!'" - HP Lovesauce
I was all set to like this movie, then I saw the previews with the stupid spinning blades and the other weapons which are high-tech, but not. I had free tickets to see this yesterday, but I passed to go play some D&D with friends.
"Anakin, as embodied by [Hayden] Christensen, is the kind of needlessly moody kid you might see getting punched out in a Dairy Queen parking lot."
"”Paul Tatara on SW:Episode II
NUUUUUUURRRRDDDD!!!!
Being fangoriously devoured by a gelatinous monster.
Man, no matter how many times I see that I have to laugh.
Oh yeah, and I am nerd too. Been playing tabletop rpg''s for years, have collected comics for the past 20 years, am a cartoonist, and am 6''1"" tall, 235 lbs (I work out). So every time I meet someone who called me a nerd gets a beatin'' (I have issues.)
Sidenote: I am not really violent, I''m a lover not a fighter. But I do have issues.
Quintin_Stone wrote:
lunabean wrote:I didn''t notice that Slambie had written the ''except for Sanjuro'' part until Certis stuck it in his signature. w00t! I''ll send you an autographed poster, Slambie
.
Morrolan wrote:
Actually, he hears it so much he doesn''t even pay attention any more...
The world must know the awesome power of our gainfully employed fist! - Lord Xan
The unattainable is unknown at zombo.com!
Last Samurai is good. It''d be better if not for the rubbish ending.
"The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all."
My feelings exactly. The ending was crap, oh well.
Xbox Live: Kooter06
I have a habit of laughing at inopportune moments during movies
*SPOILER*
At the end of the climatic battle when the honourable samurai leader lies dead with tom cruise by his side, all the honourless scum that fought against him realise the error of their ways and bow in respect for the guy, who was until a few moments previously quite willing to kill them.
I laughed out loud when I imagined cruises character standing up and running off while they were all looking at the ground.
Well it would have been a better ending.
Between that and the LotR3 phallic imagery, I''ve pretty well been barred from going to the cinema with my friends.
Okay, well, just saw the movie.
The good:
It works as an action movie. Somehow.
Kate Beckinsale is cute. No news, of course.
The comic relief was okay. And the point that that role was played by the guy who was the noble Faramir in the LotR trilogy made it a bit funnier.
The bad:
And it still felt like a mess somehow. I happened to enjoy the Mummy movies, but VH is way more absurd most of the time. It doesn''t look really well composed. Some scenes are really stupid.
For instance, in the one moment Gabriel and Anna (I think that was the name...) talk normal and the very next moment they''re looking at each other like love birds. Now you''re going to say ""but hey! It''s like this in dozens of other movies!"" Agreed, however, in VH it really is even dumber.
And in some other scene they''re both talking (forgetable lines) and all of the sudden the movie switches to sentimental mode and has her talking about how she has never seen the sea in her life and that it must be beautiful. Absolutely didn''t fit into the scene, and I was like ""The hell...""
The movie is throwing CG-driven action scenes at you one after another. And basically after the second or third you stop caring and it doesn''t really impress you.
The accents. Okay, they''re in Romania most of the time. We got it. Wouldn''t have hurt the movie/atmosphere had they not let Beckinsale&Co. have accents.
The story: right, it''s an action movie, it''s a fantasy movie, but that doesn''t mean that one couldn''t try to maintain at least some coherence. (Again, I did like The Mummy.)
So, overall it''s like this: if you''re looking for a fun action movie you probably won''t feel like you''ve wasted your money. But I doubt you''ll remember this movie for long. Heck, like after 60 minutes into the movie I had a hard time remembering what exactly happened in the first 30 minutes.
Agreed. I wondered why they went to all the trouble to copy Kurosawa, but lost there nerve in the end?
Kurosawa would have killed everyone, even Cruise. Maybe the Hollywood execs didn''t have the balls.
BTW, on the subject of Cruise, anyone see the trailer for Collateral?
Best...Review Quote...Ever! (From Dark Horizons)
"Men like sex, thus boobies! Oogaba!" - dejanzie
"If ads put your sanity to the test
come on down to Rat Boy's nest!
light up a stogie, and soon you'll see
how rock can be commercial-free!
'I'd hit it!'" - HP Lovesauce
""NNNUUUUURRRRRDDDD!!!!"" es como se dice ""geek"" en espanol. Mex me digo que si'' (gimme a break its close to proper grammar: its been 16 years)
Being fangoriously devoured by a gelatinous monster.