Beer is the answer you seek.

You could take the absent father approach, just get your stuff and move out without a word to make her the wiser. Seems to work for them.

(You said no need to be serious, I in no way really advocate this as she may very well find you and stomp on your adams apple)

Is your name on the lease or is her's?

First ask her, "If I was going to walk out on you tomorrow, would you feel suicidal or, alternately, homicidal?" Then get the painkillers out of the medicine cabinet or take the butcher knife out of the kitchen, depending on which answer she gives.

fixed.

I don't know your relationship or the people involved, but a strategy I wish I had been wise enough to use in the past would be to involve her in the decision. No, she can't be involved to the point of keeping a dead relationship going, but as much as possible try to have the breakup be something you both do, try to avoid making it something that happens to her. Easier said than done in many situations, but I look back to the way an ex of mine broke off a 5 year relationship that had ended up with two burned out depressed people sharing a house but not a life. I'm grateful for her direct approach.

She just came to me one night and asked directly "Why are we even together anymore?" I tried to answer, but frankly, I had nothing. I mean, I loved her or at least remembered loving her, but I sure as hell wasn't happy and wasn't confident that she still loved me. Somehow being asked to explain why we should keep things going made all the reasons to split up clear to me. I'm embarrassed to say that I've never come close to breaking up with someone with as much class and grace as that.

Anyway, I don't have much in the way of practical tips of how to make it happen, but the more you can involve her in the dissolution, the better it will be in the long run.

Having gone through exactly what you're going through right now, I'm not going to sugarcoat it, at least in my experience. You are going to hurt her, there's no denying it so make sure you understand that going in. There might be some things that will lessen the pain, but ending a long relationship will have lasting effects on both you.

Advice? I'm not really sure I can give you any. Tell the truth, be open, and no matter what her response try and be level-headed.

Jerk method:
Sleep with her hot friend.
Upside: You don't have to worry about having the talk, she's likely to dump you instead. Plus, you get the joy of the hot friend.
Downside: You'd be a royal douche.

Nice Guy Method:
The band-aid approach. Just take deep breaths, stay away from any alternative substances so you're both dead sober, sit down and explain it's an unhealthy relationship and time to end it.
Upside: It's the right thing to do. You get good, healthy closure, you may even salvage a lasting friendship out of it.
Downside: Holy sh*t is it tough. I mean you gotta be able to stick to your guns and not give in when the crying and the pleading phase hits.

ThatGuy42 Method:*
Get completely tore-up, fall-down drunk together and unload everything in one big ugly fracas.
Upside: DRUNK! Plus, the potential that while under the influence a lot additional truths come out that can really help lend understanding to the situation.
Downside: Hangover and potential that those additional truths can lead to bodily harm.

*Yes, this really happened to me. Years ago before I met my wife I was in some very bad relationships. Including one relationship where we both hated each other and neither of us would end it. Finally we were so fall-down, tore-up drunk that all of the truths of our feelings came flooding out. In the morning we were both hung over and I had a pencil sticking out of my arm, but we had seen the light, broken up and have been friends ever since. Since then I have been a big proponent of honesty regardless of the idea of protecting someone's feelings.

Edited for typos.

Band-aid approach is the one. Yes it hurts, might even result in screams. The only way it works is to not equivocate. Do it, stick to it and a year from now, everyone is happier, no matter how impossible that seems at the time.

I have a friend who is chronically in your situation. He gets involved with a girl, they fall in love with him, and he can't work up the cojones to break it off. Months go by and they move in. Then he's miserable for months/years and deludes himself that he isn't miserable. Eventually I get him drunk and convince him that he's unhappy. You're already at that point, so we can skip that step. The way he finally works up the resolve to have the breakup speech is he does something irreversible yet non-confrontational...he secretly signs another lease elsewhere and schedules a moving company to come get his stuff. Then he panics and worries every day after that, but he knows he has to tell her before the movers come, so he finally does.

Now he owns a place, so that new lease option is no longer available, and he's been with the same dead-end girl for almost 3 years now. If you're still renting and absolutely can't work up the courage, you might give this method a try.

These threads really bring out the best in GWJ.

...

I think you need some Barenaked Ladies Lyrics.

Change the locks.

Seriously, though. Lawyer advice: Take all valuables that might be in dispute (particularly pets!!) to a location that she has no knowledge of or ability to find before you put the bullet in her.

You could wait until you'll need a divorce and maybe even pay for a few kids.....
Think of it like having a tooth ache. Seeing the dentist will hurt a little, but it'll prevent an abscess that could be life threatening later.

Have you thought about laying it on the line in the form of a mild ultimatum. Or counseling? I am a hopeless romantic. But, If you are truly convinced that it has to be done and that no amount of work will salvage the relationship, then waiting will always make it worse. Best thing is do it suddenly, with no backing away, and no discussion.

Eww, you made me read CAD. I feel dirty. MINDBLEACH, STAT!

*ahem*

QFT. E Hunnie, being the awesome sensitive counterpart to Mr Insenstive Grammar Nazi(wordy, for those playing at home!) nails it. So, since she did so well, back to silly.

That's so awesome, and so true. Just need Elysium to confirm what we already know from the sig

Finger -> Butt

I stayed in a relationship for 5.5 years, when really it was over after 2. I couldn't bring myself to call it off because we had all the same friends, furniture, and pets and we didn't *hate* each other. It just sounded like so much work to do something about it.

Finally, after moving 3000 miles with him to a new state (and narrowly avoiding becoming common-law married!) after 6 months of things being the same as they always were before the move, I came to realize that we didn't have to scream and yell or hit each other to not be right for each other. Just not wanting to be with that person was a good enough reason to end it. What a revelation.

It's funny, it took me 3 years to realize this, but once I did I needed OUT. Right away. Within a week, I secured a temporary living arrangement with a friend, and did a mental tally on what furniture was mine, how to split up the pets, etc. so that I had all my answers before telling him I was leaving. Once it was done, band-aid style, I only went back for my things. I can't imagine trying to live under the same roof for even one day after that.

As for motivation? Well, within a week later my husband and I started seeing each other. Yeah. I made the right decision.