A Letter to Insects Concerning Trespassing
Dear Nature's Hobos,
So, I was at the coffee shop the other day and I saw this huge guy who had, uh, what is that on my back? It feels like someone taped a OHMYMOTHERf*ckINGMONKEYRACECAR that's a wasp!
Get off me you little piece of sh*t. I'm not a big meaty perch. Nor am I a giant snack for you to take your aggression out on. Just go about your business and get the hell away from me.
That's right. Fly away you tiny bastard. Just keep on flying. But, not into my house.
No! No, you are not allowed in there! That is not for you, don't you dare AWWWWW damnit! Asshole!
I hate it when you fly into the house. You don't fly in like a bird does. A missile of terror that knows not where it goes but surely it is to freedom. You don't even fly in like a bat. A Tasmanian devil blur of fury and confusion, squeeking as if do gently say, "WHERE THE f*ck AM I WHERE THE f*ck AM I WHERE THE f*ck AM I!"
No, when you fly in, you stop right inside the door way and, for lack of a better term, case the joint. I can almost hear Curly's voice from the Three Stooges attached to your every action.
Aw, nice digs professor.
I'm not a professor, get out of my house.
Hey, brownies!
Get away from those!
Wooopwoopwoopwoop!
Asshole!
Look, this isn't your house. You can't live here, it makes people uncomfortable. The buzzing and your enormous stinger are kind of off putting and, get off the chair, and I just don't think it's going to work out. Do you see where I'm coming from? I'm just trying to make it so that everybody is, don't touch my headphones just get the f*ck off of them, just so that everybody is happy.
Why can't you be like your cousin out there building his own little home under the carport? I mean, granted, he is probably slightly retarded, what with building his home in on of the small wind chimes. I mean his house literally vibrates every time the wind blows. But, at least he is attempting to have a place of his own. He's trying. He's putting himself out there.
You, you just think you can move back in and that every thing is going to be handed to you on a silver GETTHEf*ckOUTOFMYHAIR! AAAHHHHH! sh*t!
ASS! HOLE!
OK. That's it. It's go time.
That's right; I got the squeegee on a stick. No soft broomstick straw for you, my friend. This is nice sturdy rubber coming right at you. They will speak of this battle in the tomes of your people, for you will be the quickest one of your kind ever to be dispatched by the hand of the mighty giant. Prepare to meet your tiny asshole maker, you tiny asshole.
What the? Get off the ceiling! That's some bullsh*t! Come back down here so I can smoosh you against the easily cleanable wall!
No, sir! No! We do NOT try to crawl into the heater vent! No, we do not! Time out you little sh*t! Time out! f*ck me! f*ck!
Oh, you may be cunning, but I'm big enough to turn the thermostat. Let's see how much crawling you do with a torrent of hell fire blasted against your crimson carapace! Ah HA HA! That's right! Feel the burn you flying mini-satan!
That's right, fly back down here so I can get a good major league swing at you! AGH! That's ok. I missed but that's ok. You're not going anywhere.
Damn, it's a little hot in here. No, matter, you will perish nonetheless.
After I throw up.
Jesus, is it like 300 hundred degrees in here. How come you're ok with that? Don't you feel that? I think I might need a ten minute break is that cool? I think we both deserve a little sit down and DOOOOONTTOUCHME DONTTOUCHME! GET OFF OF MY FACE OHBABYJESUS DON’T STING ME IN THE FACE!
Oh you bastard. Your legs feel like a tiny witch's bones! I won't be able to sleep for days.
Look, I don't want you in here; you probably want to leave too. I'll just stand back and open the doors, and you just head out whenever you're comfortable, OK? That's civil. A mutual agreement that we are both formidable opponents and that living in harmony is better than all this senseless violence and bloodshAAAAAHHHH STACY! STACY THERE'S A WASP IN MY SHIRT! I CAN FEEL HIM BUZZING AGAINST MY NIPPLE! STACY! STACY, HE'S GOING TO STAB MY TUMMY WITH HIS HUGE INSECT BUTT-KNIFE! CALL THE POLICE! STACY!
Sincerely,
Chiggie Von Richthofen
SONOFABUTTNUGGETMONKEYf*ckINGDONKEYBALLSOFARABIA!
Every couple of years or so, yellow jackets build an underground burrow in my front lawn. A fact I'll then stumble upon while mowing said lawn. Ever have a giant lawn mower rumble over your house? Of course not, that's just ridiculous. You'd have to have either a tiny house or a really huge lawn mower. But I'm sure you can imagine how annoying that'd be. Well, yellow jackets bite and sting when they get annoyed. Very irritable members of the wasp family.
Then of course there's the time I disturbed a nest while removing a dead Christmas tree from the backyard and tossing it into the "natural area". If you think 1 wasp is bad, try having 6+ crawling all over you. Did you know those f*ckers actually chew as well as sting?
I feel your pain.
Fedaykin98 wrote:
wordsmythe wrote:
This made my day, thanks!
My wife's family is from Arkansas, and they have some monster insects down there. The tick is the state bird of Arkansas. I don't go to visit often.
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If they sprayed venom in your eyes I think they'd have the douchebag award down pat for the animal kingdom.
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The old wasp nest outside my office window has a new tenant and he's been busy renovating. Good thing my windows don't open.
Fedaykin98 wrote:
wordsmythe wrote:
Be glad you didn't meet this thing. For reference, those are 2 inch blinds it is sitting on.
I'm told that this is a cicada wasp and that it won't sting, but it is still pretty scary to find one flying around your house.
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Holy Crap! You're right, it won't sting, because I'd be busting out the 12 gauge for that beast!
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"I might have gotten away with it if it wasn't for a damningly tenacious clinger." - Crouton on a childhood excrement escapade
Being allergic to these insects of terror (bees, wasps & yellow jackets), I've come to the conclusion that of the set, only the bees are neutral. The wasps are out to get you and will at any time they are able.
I was always told not to bother them and they'd leave you alone. This was BAD advice. I had a wasp LAND_ON_MY_FACE between my upper lip & nose, then proceed to sting me. To make matters worse, I had to pull it off my face! A quick trip to the hospital, since my face is swelling and funny how you need your mouth and/or nose to breathe...
AAGGGHHHHHH, my skin is crawling just thinking about it. I hate them, they hate me, we have a mutual destruction pact on file.
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I loathe most insects. The Asian Giant Hornet is the best reason not to move to Japan i've ever heard.
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Has anyone seen the video on Discovery channel of the hornets invading the bees nest? Something like 4 wasps destroy thousands of bees by biting their heads off.
I'm like a flashing lightning and a rolling thunder, I'm like a stepping razor
LOL. Fantastic writing!
It does appear to match the photo on Wikipedia.
Now I feel a little bad because it's quite possible it was a nest of cicada killer wasps that I nerve gassed and not hornets like I thought. They'd nested in a big cardboard box long left outside that we needed to put get rid of.
Still. I don't feel that bad.
Fedaykin98 wrote:
wordsmythe wrote:
Sorry, question ...
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Raid Wasp & Hornet killer, my friend. One light spritz of that stuff will make them fall dead within seconds. Also works on large spiders, although it takes a bit longer.
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About ten years ago, I also had the misfortune of pushing a lawnmower over a wasp's nest. When I felt the first sting, on my ankle, I assumed it was just part of a branch that shot out from underneath the mower. When I felt the second one I glanced down expecting to see all sorts of little wood/branch bits by my foot. Instead it was a bunch of winged black and yellow demon-spawn flying around my foot. This was the point where I proceeded to jump about 10' and run indoors screaming like a 10-year at a Hannah Montana concert.
About a half-hour later I went into the garage, grabbed the lawn mower gas can, and proceeded to give that buried nest the Swampy pest control treatment.
LiquidMantis wrote:
It's in reference to interaction with humans. Unless you're a cicada in disguise, Chiggie, you're safe.
Fedaykin98 wrote:
wordsmythe wrote:
It's all starting to make sense...
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Are you now as paranoid mowing as I am? Any little thing that touches me while I'm mowing, I practically freak out.
Fedaykin98 wrote:
wordsmythe wrote:
Yeah, thank god for the bar that springs up and stops the lawnmower. I probably wouldn't have feet today.
Thing is, when I can see the bug touch me, I'm calm a collected. It's being sprung on that makes me do the back scratch dance.
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Been there too. Several years ago I did the same thing while cutting the grass. Unfortunately I was wearing long pants at the time and at least two of them got up my pants leg! My wife was quite amused over me running into the house screaming while frantically trying to pull my pants off. (They were on my upper leg and still heading upwards.
A few years later while hiking someone in our group accidentally stabbed a hiking pole into a nest while climbing a slope. I think we had around 20 stings among the group before we got clear.
Yeah, I'm sure that is what it was. That picture was taken in our sunroom and just outside, at the edge of the patio, was one of those little burrows that the Wiki article shows as the ones the females make. This is probably a male that was waiting for the female to leave its burrow.
Still, whether it stings or not, it is not something you want to meet unexpectedly inside your house.
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I saw that, and it was phenomenal! I believe the staggering numbers were 30 Giant Hornets to 30000 bees.
Chiggie, fantastic writing man.
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Oh dear lord! Bees!
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Oh, yeah. Big time. My head is almost on a swivel, when I mow the lawn now. Plus it takes me a lot longer to finish, since I tend to watch very carefully where the lawnmower is going.
LiquidMantis wrote:
I find it helps to push really fast and take a swig (or five) of liquid courage. It's worse when I'm wearing shorts due to it being as hot as the surface of the sun.
Fedaykin98 wrote:
wordsmythe wrote:
I love how, after reading this very thread, a freakin ant had the nerve to crawl under my keyboard. Bastard.
I had an "incident" a few weeks ago where my house was suddenly invaded by flies. The screens on my doors and windows aren't the best but I've lived here for over a year without a problem. One day, there was a fly in my living room. Killed it. Then there was another. Killed it. Suddenly, my home was overrun with flies. For every fly I killed, 2 more showed up.
They were crawling into my house through the windows. I went outside and actually watched them do this. I would wake up and find living and dead flies in my bedroom. I applied duct tape to all of my windows and this did absolutely nothing to stop them. I got desperate and pulled out the great equalizer, my vacuum cleaner. They were attracted to this 5 ft paper lamp so I always had it on. Whenever one landed there, it was sucked into oblivion. I did this for about 4 days as I waited for maintenance to replace my screens. Even that spider I found on the patio door... On any other day, that spider would've been dead. But at that moment, I didn't care at all. I saw the work the spider had been doing and decided that the enemy of my enemy is my friend. It knew something I did not. It created its web at an entry point. So I left it there to do it's f*ckin job.
After my screens were replaced, the problem was solved. I haven't seen a fly since. To this day, I have no idea why they were so interested in my apartment. My home is clean, garbage is taken out daily, etc... But they were coming in here as if my apartment was some kind of fly utopia.
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Some for the mower, and some for Quintin.
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Do they make ethanol mowers? Need to get me one!
Fedaykin98 wrote:
wordsmythe wrote:
I picture a lawn half mowed in lazy circles, a neighbor wondering why there is urine all over his car, and you laying passed out in a hornet's nest.
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When I was a 5 year old kid I had been watching Wide World of Sports with my Dad. They showed a boxer training in the gym with a speed bag. My 5 year old brain went, "I can do that too. We have something just like that bag hanging from the tree outside." One punch and 13 wasp stings later I decided that was not much fun.
I was lucky my family doctor lived across the street and 2 doors down from us.
I still cringe when I see one of those flying demons.
I am intrigued by what you say, and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
EDIT: And Chiggie's newsletter too.
LiquidMantis wrote:
Great. Now I'm gonna be paranoid every time I go out to mow the lawn. Thanks, a@#holes.
Great post, Chiggie!
---Todd
The Nut and the Feisty Weasel: A place where a deranged Ohio State Buckeye and a rabid Michigan Wolverine fan come together... and air grievances.
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