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This has just gotten out of hand. I realize people have got sick for a fe bad tomatos, and there is a problem, but for the love of gawd, this has been blown out of proportion. More people die from rabies from hamster bites at Petco's than are dying from tainted tomatos.

My tale of woe has gone to defcon five in a few short days.

I went to a Mexican restaurant the other night. I ordered the usual and chips came out with dinner, no salsa. I ask the waitress, if we can get some salsa. I had innocently assumed this was a slight oversight, and would be easily retified. Clearly it must be a violation of some international law to not have salsa with your chips at a mexican restaurant. I mean, they could lose their Zagat rating for such a travesty.

She looks at me and points at a piece of paper near the front door. Being lazy, I ask what it says. She replies something along the lines of "...due to the epidemic of tainted tomatoes, we no longer serve salsa..."

I think to myself, you're f*cking kidding me. Whatever, I'll live. But mine dining experience has now been compromised. The potential long term psychological effect of this is a large unknown, but I think I'll make it.

Yesterday I went to an Italian restaurant with some friends, my favorite type of food is Free and Someone Else's is paying.

I ordered Lasagna. It shows up 15 minutes later, but there is very little sauce with the lasagna. This isnt a show stopper or severe enough that I need to get the ak-47 out and bust some caps or anything. I ask the waiter, can I get some extra sauce on the lasagna, its a little dry. He replies "...well we have to conserve our tomatos sauce / paste because our supplier is no longer selling them due to the salmonella outbreak with the tomato crop..." Holy f*ck, not again.

Sweet mother of jebus, this is just stupid.

Today for lunch I go to Subway. Im hungry, their food is marginal, but its close to where I work and calories are required to keep this clean living adonis like physique of mine.

I order the Tuna sandwhich, because its only killing dolphins which I figure is better than getting avian bird flu from anything like chicken or turkey, and certainly I dont want any thing like roast beef because of that whole mad cow thing. So I opt for the most humane of all options, dead dolphins mixed in with tuna (dont get me started on mercury poisining).

The girl making the sandwich asks what I want on it. Well clearly if you have read the above you can see I will soon be crushed again.

I say, a little lettuce, some bell peppers, a couple of tomatos and... She cuts me off and points to another piece of paper on the counter, that guess what it says "...due to FDA warnings we no longer serve tomatos with any sandwiches..."

You have simply got to be kidding me, did some alien force fly over all the tomatos in the US and infect them with some weapon of mass tomato destruction. WTF people, WTF...

I have this sneaky feeling this salmonella outbreak hasnt effected every type of tomato grown, every crop in the US, and everything that has been shipped for the past month, but clearly I am wrong.

The lack of tomatos in my daily routine has gotten out of control and needs to be stopped.

Pull the troops from Iraq for no other reason than to guard our precious tomato crops and escort them safely back to my salsa, marinara sauce and subway, and do it now.