I'm getting a divorce and my 360 died.......
Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008 - 2:04am
For you guys that know me I won't be on for a while. My 360 is being fixed and my wife just walked out on me after being together 13 years..... I'm doing just fine but won't have the time to play games right now. She said she wanted kids at the beginning of the year and didn't like my answer of "we should wait one more year to pay bills off." I have a great job, no kids and I'm quit good looking if I do say so myself and I'm OK with moving on. It's just hurts to have your heart stomped into little pieces but life goes on...
The only source of knowledge is experience
Albert Einstein
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Condolences man, you sure you guys can't work it out? Seems like you're not too far apart on the kids thing.
Certis beat me to it. - Elysium
Well...........that kinda sucks.
*Legion* wrote:
I'm sorry to hear that, Brae.
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Not trying to stick my nose where it doesn't below but a friend of mine very wisely told me once that "There's never a good time to have a kid." I was terrified for the first year of my marriage of trying to raising a child with a heap of credit card bills, two car payments and a rented apartment. Then, in the second year we went ahead and started trying to have one even with the mountain of debt. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Having a kid, watching him grow & learn & interact with "Ma Ma" and "Da Da" is just incredible, even if I was absolutely terrified at the idea of becoming a father. Now I like to think I'm an old hat at it now and I can't wait to get home from work even if it means having to change a poopy diaper as soon as I take my coat off.
I'm sure there's some other details that haven't been disclosed but being together for 13 years is too special to just discard haphazardly. Just don't have a kid to fix something that's been broken for a long time. That won't be good for anyone. But if you & your wife both love each other, and you have the means to make it happen, maybe you should think it over or talk it over with a councilor.
Good luck to you.
EDIT - Also, just thinking it over but 13 years is a very long time for your wife, not that there should be a time limit to commence procreation. Her biological clock is probably really driving her to have a child right now though. It's actually pretty hard on women due to the constant peer pressure of friends & coworkers raising their own families and the stigma of becoming Old Maids. There's also health concerns as well. My CEO's wife is 42 years old and is pregnant with their 4th son in a couple months. It's definately a surprise baby as their other 3 children are ages 18, 12 and 8. She's had to endure a variety of invasive procedures due to a genetic marker test that showed possible chromosomal damage. Everything came up okay with additional testing but she talks about how worried she is to be a new mom again at her age when she expected her family to have mostly grown up already.
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Whoa whoa... What?
You have my condolences, Brae. That's just... wow.
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Best attitude ever.
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Ha, I remember breaking up with a girlfriend because I told her I wasn't planning on having kids anytime soon (like in 5 years or more). She married less than 6 months later, and got a kid about a year or two after that.
When women want kids, you can't stop them I guess.
But if you really wanted kids, I don't think "paying the bills" would stop you.
The man wears a bucket of KFC on his head. I wouldn't expect anything less. - Pred
I don't think your experiences count as the norm
.
McChuck wrote:
Of coarse there's always other things like she wanted a big tattoo on her upper back ( she watches LA LINK) and I didn't want her to do it. I wanted her to get it somewhere else so if we went out for a nice dinner she could ware a low cut dress and she was real pissed about that. The other reason I wanted to wait is I'm building a new power plant and have to work almost everyday until summer. She's a high maintenance girl and needs lots of attention that I couldn't give her. She said she was growing apart from me 2 months ago but I couldn't do anything about it. I spent all my extra time with her and bought her flowers every month. I did everything I could to show her I loved her but it wasn't enough I guess. We had great communication so it was really out of no where that she just wanted to leave and not work it out. I've taken care of her sense she was 17 so maybe she thinks the grass is greener on the other side.
So I'm taking all the bills ,paying off her new BMW and giving her the 2 pugs we have and also setting her up in an apartment. I want her to be happy so if it with someone else I'm OK with that. I'm a big boy and will find someone who loves me and appreciates me for the man I am now. It just sucks to be ran over like this....it feels like someone died and I have to morn the loss and try to move on.
I really appreciate all the comments guys. It does help to talk about it.
The only source of knowledge is experience
Albert Einstein
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I love making broad generalizations based on not enough information, so I'll just go ahead and say that I think your wife has not grown up at the same pace you did, and this turn of events was inevitable so that you could find someone closer to your inner age sooner rather than later.
Shelter 1-minute atmospheric teaser.
Be honest with yourself. You're always going to have debt, unless you win the lottery. You're always going to have to work, until long after she's too old to have kids. If you really want to have kids with her, then you should stop putting her off. If you don't, then I think you're taking the right course.
If you do want kids... why are you putting it off? There are some long-term issues that come with "waiting for the right time". She could go through an early menopause and lose the ability before she even has a chance to start. She'll have more potential complications the older she gets. The older you guys get, the harder it will be on you to raise them. At this point, you'd already be hitting 50 by the time the first kid graduates high school.
Anyway, good luck Brae.
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Really sorry to hear about that Braehole. I won't bother adding my two cents to the discussion as I'm not even married yet so I don't think I'm qualified. It sounds like you're being a really good guy to her in spite of the situation though and that's commendable. Hope to see you online again soon!
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And not to butt MY nose in where it doesn't belong...
But it sounds to me like if your wife is willing to just up and leave over "one more year," then the relationship wasn't exactly stable to begin with and you should probably wait to fix THAT before bringing children into the equation. I'm no psychiatrist but I'm wondering if she wanted kids to increase her committment to the marriage and therefore banish thoughts of doubt from her mind. That... doesn't work.
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Is your wife hitting her mid 30's next year? I don't expect you to answer, but the reason I ask is this:
At 35, the battery of tests that a pregnant mother receives go up automatically. Risk percentages over 30 for various potential ailments or conditions for both mother and developing baby, you can see them ratchet up with each additional year of age. I never felt like we had aged as a couple, until over the course of our obgyn visits I would see the doctors compare my wife's age(which equates to mine too) to the different risk percentages for various things pregnant parents don't want to worry about. This comparison of our ages against such risk charts was a regular part of visits, as doctors consult on why pregnant couples need or should strongly consider screening tests for certain things (i.e. downs etc) at particular stages of fetal development. It's like that for all pregnant parents, but the younger you are, the less concerns the doctors have on recommending some tests. The charts were a wakeup call that from a biological standpoint... we were getting older, even though we started the process at 30/31. Maybe some of her sudden immediacy concerns are that she feels her biological clock is ticking or that she wants to avoid the additional testing/worries that come with an age milestone. There is no denying that as you hit age milestones after your early 30's, the process gets slightly more complex and the potential concerns greater with each passing year.
Also, as you well know, getting pregnant isnt instantaneous nor automatic. If you are saying you would feel comfortable with a baby next year, that means that by March / April of this year, you could be working at it full steam ahead. This also means that you and your wife could be consulting with doctors as soon as February in order to plan for it. I.e. How long/ what type of contraceptives have you been on. Is there a window where it is best to let those work out of you/your wife's system. etc. Point being, you could give your wife a feeling of progress toward the goal as soon as next month and maybe this is all she needs to see you are moving towards making it happen.
Although it may seem to happen almost 'too' easily for some couples, the reality is that for a lot of couples, when they finally make the decision to grow their family, it may be the first time they are putting their reproductive systems to the test. It can take some time for it to happen or unforeseen reproductive obstacles can appear and these push out the planning windows beyond what was originally expected.
Anyways, I just kinda agreed with Certis' earlier post, it doesnt sound like your two timeframes are that far off from each other, and there are things you could start short term to make some progress toward those goals together.
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I'm going to go with probably.
Remember, only by treating everyone with dignity and respect can we maintain the element of surprise for that inevitable day when we wipe our enemies from the face of the Earth.
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I have not yet achieved a satisfactory level of caffeine to body weight ratio for this morning to be so detail oriented.
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Not always true. My wife has never really wanted them. So our decision to be barren and happy by choice was a pretty easy one. We talked it through, of course, but at the end of the day it just wasn't for us. The problem is that people do change their minds about their lives. Not about kids in our case, but about other things we "decided" on or decided to wait on. And we've had to be nimble and flexible over the years. So sometimes with kids it does kind of come out of the blue and it isn't the right timing for the other person.
That's neither here nor there, though. This sucks either way. Sorry, man.
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There's a lot of mixed signals in this portrayal. I'm heartbroken, I'm okay with her going. She's painted in a very unflattering light, but typically, these things are one sided when you hear only one side (go figure).
In the end, if he's already planning ahead, thinking about how he's got a lot to offer the next girl, already selling himself, and willing to let her be with some other guy (and finance it too!), I'd say he's better off moving on. Maybe he's as ready to see how thick the grass is on the other side, too?
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What a terrible and awful turn of events.
I'm so sorry to hear about your 360.
(j/k, man)
I was divorced in my late 20's and was a hell of a lot more broken up over it than you seem to be. Not to say that you aren't in pain over it, but more to the fact that you seem to have a very positive outlook on your future in spite of your problems in the present.
Man, if you could bottle that energy, you'd make a million!
On a side note, there's been some great conversation about the old Biological Clock. I'm currently in my late 30's and my wife is 35. We both want to have a child but keep putting it off because we're not "settled down" yet. We're planning a move to Minneapolis this Spring and hope to start trying then. Based on the posts above, there's great reason to maybe start trying now, but the only problem is that it may be tough for my wife to land a new job when she's interviewing in maternity wear!
HOLLY COW, my XBox died this last weekend also; No-Video, only Sound. Had to send it in -107 USD.
And my wife has also been acting strangely.
I blam it all on the last Microsoft Xbox Update, it has effected everthing!!!!!
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As a father to a 2.8 and a 4 year old I'll add my agreement to those who've said that there's never a good time to have kids. You're never ready. It's more about deciding this is something you want to do and figuring the rest out. That said, you also can't assume having a kid (or two in my case) will make a marriage better. It does for some and for those I've seen, it's just a wonderful thing. But like most things in life it's something of a crapshoot, particularly if there are other problems in the marriage already. I've done a lot of talking to people and reading over the last couple years and there's just no question that a lot of marriages just can't find an equilibrium after having kids. (I'm jealous of those that do.)
In my case, my wife and I were doing fine up to the point of having our second child and then things have really just shot straight to all hell since then. (Disclaimer: I'm not blaming my kids for our marital problems. They're absolutely the best thing that's happened to me.) I don't know if having kids just exposed problems we had before or if what we're going through now is a result of how our priorities have changed since becoming parents. The big thing for me is, since having kids, I've really ceased to matter much to my wife anymore. Oh she wants me around, though I think it's mostly to make her world easier at this point. (I do just about everything around the house.) But her interest in me on most any level is just flat out gone. I knew when we had kids that my rank in my wife's priorities would dip. (And vice-versa.) You're always going to be less of a priority to your spouse than your kids are. That's just the way it is, especially during that first year when mom has so much more to deal with. But our kids aren't infants anymore and all parental duties are now fairly evenly split. But for my wife, it's still like I no longer rank at all and that's a hard way to go through life. I'll just say if you have that moment when you realize that your 4-year old daughter is pretty much not only your best friend, but probably also the most emotionally supportive person in your life... well, it doesn't speak well for the state of your marriage. It's amazing to me how she keeps me hanging in there.
This is also not to say that I handle everything as well as I should. I don't. I have my flaws as both a father and husband. We all do. To me, it's about the effort you put in. And there's no question that I'm putting in every effort to both improve myself and get us to a place where we can both be happy, whereas my wife's efforts have been sorely lacking. Unfortunately for me, what is probably her worst flaw is her inability to confront and deal with problems. It's like my problems with our marriage make me a problem for her and since she pretty much ignores any problem that's not easily solved, I tend to be ignored... a lot. I hope this doesn't sound snarky, Braehole, but I can't tell you how much I'd give for our issues to be about things like a back tattoo. (Though, your wife does sound more than a little selfish, based on your post. That's something I can sympathize with.) For us, I think we're going to try the counseling route a second time. The last thing I want is to be a part time dad, but right now I just can't imagine finishing out this year feeling the way I have the last two.
Anyway, my apologies if that's too much digression. My point is just that if your marriage really rests on the "kid" issue and you love each other and want children, then don't put it off just because you're not sure how it'll all work. You'll figure that out. And if the problems you do have are largely superficial, having kids would probably put them in a better perspective. However, if there are some deep-seeded issues already, having kids without resolving them will probably makes them worse and I can tell you from experience that contemplating divorce is a whole lot more scary once kids are a part of the picture.
Whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck!
---Todd
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Damn it people, stop talking like real people with foibles as well as positive traits. Don't you know you're all supposed to be faceless entities putting up content to entertain me?
Remember, only by treating everyone with dignity and respect can we maintain the element of surprise for that inevitable day when we wipe our enemies from the face of the Earth.
For clarification, "bnpederson" is pronounced "Brian."
Sorry to hear, Brae. Keep your chin up, everything happens for a reason.
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Brae, I am sorry to hear the news. I think you have a good head on your shoulders, even if you did try to sell us a 360 that was painted with racing stripes. I wish you the best of luck.
In Ultima Online I used to poison hams and leave them on the ground in cities for people to pick up and eat. I can't believe how many people thought street ham was a good thing to eat. -Elliottx
Oogaba.
Seriously, Brae, I wish the best for you and I hope things work out for the best, whatever the best is.
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Sorry to hear that Brae and Ubrakto.
I am newly married (less than 1 year) and am hitting 30 this year. And man, my biological clock is ticking like crazy. My husband wants to wait a little but longer, which I completely understand, but I also worry about getting older and having reproductive issues when the time does come.
I hope everything works out for you Brae. Keep that positive attitude going.
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What the f*ck, STOP.
No, wait, you're paying for your new BMW.
Dude, you're better off single, seriously. You're going to go through a long depression period, maybe some therapy will help, but you'll be ok in the end because high maintenance girls are crap. Did she work too? Help with the bills?
Anyway, if you're feeling bad or confused about her leaving, don't make any life-changing decisions right now, because if you want to please her you'll go "yeah, yeah, let's have kids, that'll fix everything". Having a kid won't fix your relationship, and there's a lot of women out there.
Edit: Ok, just curious, but - deep down, do you feel this is a bad thing for the future, or do you feel relieved?
The man wears a bucket of KFC on his head. I wouldn't expect anything less. - Pred
So is this a "my 360 died" or a "my wife left me" thread? I'm confused and I can't decide which to console/congratulate you on.
In any case, I've been in the one situation, not so much in the other. Although I was the one doing the walking out, so maybe I haven't. OK so this isn't going well at all.
What I mean to say is: Sorry man. Chin up and all that. It doesn't sound like you're too terribly broken up over this, but on the off chance that's self protective bravado, I can assure you life does goes on. As long as you can live with yourself and not go crazy, you'll most likely find someone else who can do the same.
Don't be saucy with me, Bernaise. - Count DeMonet
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