Each year, I take the metaphorical equivalent of a leap into a sewer tank to find the unusual things that people flush down the toilet. Specifically, I unleash the uncertain hell of our search term database onto my innocent optic nerves, and peruse the often benign, occasionally creepy and constantly odd things about which people search on the internet, or at least that segment of those creepy, benign or odd things which lead here.

For five years now I have explored the lustful searches of the sticky minds that briefly touch our virgin servers with their sweaty hands, presumably right before ending up on Dateline's To Catch A Predator. I never cease to be amazed by the search terms which draw the most unusual netizens to our humble doors, and I offer this series partly as entertainment and partly as warning. Many of these people probably drive cars!

As always, there is nothing safe for work about the following.

It's tough to say at this point if the desire to see Samus Aran naked and having sex with men, women or aliens has finally surpassed the desire to see ever so slightly more of the ladies of DOA Beach Volleyball, but it's certainly neck and neck. Or, in this case, breast to breast, the very concept of which might actually qualify as slash fiction. Along with literally 100,000 search terms relating endless to the farming, questing, talent building and character creating of World of Warcraft, it's pretty clear that the only way Blizzard's mega-hit could be improved upon is if there were more naked night elves, which is also a very popular thing to search for apparently. I'm surprised no one has asked for art of a Samus/DOA/Night Elf three-way, though I'm probably only a quick visit to DeviantArt away from seeing exactly that. Considering the following, I shouldn't be terribly surprised at that site's popularity.

The Standards

As always we should start with the classic, the female breast. The obvious fixation of millions, nothing apparently so spurs men to Google as the chance for a quick look at what we lovingly term here at GWJ as Oogaba. One searcher wonders with the term boob varieties perhaps how many there are, and other searchers are here to answer with what is a surprisingly small sampling, including: huge soft boobs, gimungous breasts, beach tits, slimy boobs, boobies transformers, squeezy boob, supped up boobies, Syracuse boobs, boobs large soft, freaky nipples, giant virtual boobs, giant jelly boobs, girl boobs, boy's nipples, little boobs, giant terrifying boobs, protruding nipples boobs, eye impalement boobies, beer boobs, jew boobs, and my personal favorite, barbara bush nipple, though, honestly, after seeing that image you may want the eye impalement boobies.

Eventually, however, the breast searchers all become so many as to be inconsequential, and not really funny. People looking for breasts at best add amusing adjectives and at worst simply enter the magic word that delivers their mammalian splendor. As always it is the creative porn searchers that provide more mileage.

"Gay giant" eating man – While I suspect this is some kind of porn search, what I picture is a very well-groomed giant casually chewing on a man's severed arm while watching Queer As Folk.

A farm slave girl naked in the pig pen – Having worked on a farm, I assure you: pig pens are not sexy, no matter how naked the slave girl is.

Ass penisy – As an English major I'm interested in what qualities define the adjective penisy. And, does this person often use the word to describe things, as in "You know, the service at that restaurant was excellent, but the food was quite penisy."

What is the penalty for necrophilia in cyrodiil – Apparently Oblivion goes Hot Coffee in really disturbing ways.

Masturbating after lasik – Yeah, in-focus porn seems great now, but eventually you'll see something that will make you want to poke your eyes back out, like, say, Barbara Bush's nipple.

Erotic stories in zulu – Never before have glottal stops and tongue clicks been so sexy.

This desktop needs more boobs – I knew it was missing something. Boobs are like cheese, everything's better with them on it.

Ask Elysium

Mine is a superior intellect, or so I assume because people keep asking me questions that have nothing to do with gaming. People come to the internet for answers to questions, and while that question may often be where can I find porn and how fast can you get it to me, sometimes it's not. Here are a few examples of the latter, with helpful answers that can serve us all.

How long do I wait before I add more yeast – That really depends –
To Beer : Add a teaspoon every eighteen seconds for twelve hours.
To Bread : Wait three days and then dump a whole bag full in at once.
To Babies : Apply liberally to pacifier three times a day.

Why do husbands look at sleazy women online – Because they have a Y chromosome. Next.

What distance should I be hitting my golf clubs – I'm admittedly new to golf, but I think you're actually supposed to hit the golf balls

Where to go in Vegas to see tits and eat steak – Where can't you go?

Did the Mayans predict the climate change – Must we ascribe omniscience to the Mayans about everything? Honestly, someday when we finally have the flying cars we all so richly deserve, someone's going to come along and tell me the Mayans actually had flying cars in 600 BC. Though in this case, yeah, they totally saw it coming.

How often should my porn poop – You might consider going with never.

What is anal nitrate? – Anal Nitrate (AssH2NO3) is, like most nitrates, an acid, but trust me, you don't want to know what it's for.

Best Of

I've always wanted to do a Best Of version of Perverts. It would contain classics such as: Swirling Ass, Gangsta Way To Tie Your Shoes, Bearly Legal Hot Girls (a search term that appears year after year along with Nude Brett Favre) and Dear Penis Tap. But, since you can really just go back and enjoy the four previous articles on your own, I offer the Best Of searchers:

Wow what s the best job for undead – Wow! I don't know, maybe professional moaner, sandwich artist at Subway, Electronic Arts design lead or Entertainment Tonight anchor? (Yes, I know what they meant, but still"…)

Best Amish Rapper – Well, many go old school with MC Mennonite, but I think Buggy Jones has made a name for himself with the Pimpin' By Candlelight album.

Best Way To Go Threw Bioshock – Overhand

Best Buffy Episode – Once More With Feeling. Seriously, like you have to ask.

Best Commercial Europe Poop – I didn't even know there was poop commerce in Europe

Miscellaneous

Often the best searches simply defy category. They are random nuggets of strangeness wandering to us through the ether without context or sense. We must make of them what we will. Admittedly, occasionally I do know what they meant, but still, as a phrase standing alone these are strange statements indeed.

Las Vegas topless pancake house – Las Vegas: Making Everything Better by Adding Topless To It since 1957

Gay cavemen – It was more a Neanderthal thing, hence the extinction.

Story of man, monkey and gun in about 400-500 words – Once, there was a cowboy, and he was the fastest draw in the territories. Until, that is, the day that Mr. Bobo came to town"…

I'm elusive baby, so why don't you kill me – Go ahead, just try! I bet you can't do it.

Puritan foreplay – Two words: bible verses

Games make you smarter – You wouldn't say that if you read some of these search terms I'm sifting through.

Huh?

I like to end these articles with a nice final dose of extreme strangeness. If everything that's come before seems comprehensible and, dare I say reasonable, then perhaps you can explain exactly what these people want, because they are here and I'm afraid they might stay.

Chainsaw onesies – I smell a recall!

Pig hunting teenage Alabama – Oh Alabama, is there anything you won't hunt?

You must face the gazebo alone – We all have our white whale, or in this case adorable garden gazebo, and we must eventually face them alone. Bring a harpoon.

Punishment breaking Elysium – Whoa, wait! We're doing what now?

Mang I need some cheetos up ins penny – Dude, what?

As I do every year, I can only say to you all, Welcome Perverts. Don't sit on the nice furniture.

Previous perverts can be found in these spots:

The Original
Perverts Part 2
Perverts Part 3
Perverts Part 4